As I was trying to come up with an idea for this week’s blog post, my husband, Terry, made a suggestion: “Why don’t you write about Psycho Squirrel?”
Last fall, we started tossing peanuts in the shells to squirrels in our backyard. We were captivated by the show they put on as they acrobatically chased each other along the fence and through the tree branches. Plus, we liked being nice to our furry neighbors.
Most of the squirrels picked up the peanuts and scurried away, burying them to eat in the winter. A couple of squirrels, however, were smart. They learned that humans meant food, and every time they saw us, bounded over to the ground below our back deck. They’d sit on their hind legs, twitch their tails, and look up at us expectantly. Of course, they were rewarded with peanuts.
Aw, aren’t they cute?
Well, they started getting brave, and crept up the steps of the deck. We opened the back door, which led into the kitchen, and tossed out a peanut. The squirrels scurried away with the peanuts, buried them, and came back for more. So then we squatted down low, cracked open the full-length glass storm door, and held the peanuts at their nose height. They were skittish at first, but soon began taking the peanuts right from our fingers.
They’d sit on the deck, hold the peanut to their mouths and roll it, as if looking for a place to bite the shell. Sometimes they ate the peanuts, and sometimes they ran away, buried them, and came back for more. If we weren’t right at the door, we could hear them tapping on the glass with their tiny claws.
Aren’t they cute?
We ended up with three “pet squirrels—”one day they all kept coming to the door like a tag team. Eventually, if they saw us, they’d leap through the trees to the ground below the deck and then run up the steps. When they saw us walking up the driveway, they followed. We started keeping a small ceramic bowl filled with peanuts on the counter next to the back door, so they’d be handy when our squirrel buddies showed up. We imagined that they really appreciated us when 18 inches of snow blanketed the ground and all their peanuts from the fall were hidden.
A few weeks ago, spring finally arrived, and we exchanged the glass in the storm door for a screen. We hadn’t seen the squirrels in awhile, but one showed up. She looked well fed, but still remembered how to beg for a handout.
I opened the screen door, held a peanut low for her, and she took it. She came back several times; I fed her about five peanuts. Then I had to go back to work. I closed the screen door, but the main back door was open to let the warm breeze into the house.
A couple of hours later I walked back into the kitchen and stopped short. The screen by the door handle was shredded—someone had broken into the house! Then I noticed the ceramic bowl was empty, there were broken peanut shells all over the floor, and a small yellow puddle on the counter.
The squirrel had chewed through the screen, eaten all the peanuts, and left. I couldn’t believe it. I shut the main back door—wood with glass panes at the top—so she couldn’t come back in. But she had learned well, and a little while later I caught her trying to climb through the hole in the screen again.
That was it. Now it was No Contact with the squirrel.
Terry took the screen out so it could be repaired. The squirrel didn’t know this, so when she next saw me in the kitchen, she leaped at the door, expecting to cling to the screen. Instead, she slammed into the regular door with its glass panes. With nothing to hold on to, she slid to the deck.
We stayed on the No Contact program, even though the squirrel kept following us around the yard and begging. No more handouts, no more bowl of peanuts on the counter by the door. In fact, since we couldn’t really tell the squirrels apart, none got fed. One overly aggressive squirrel had ruined it for everyone.
After a couple of weeks, hoping the pushy squirrel had forgotten that she had been sponging off of us, we replaced the screen, which had cost $25 to fix. It was fine for awhile, but the other day, I walked into the kitchen to find holes in the screen next to the door handle. She didn’t forget. But at least there were no peanuts on the counter, so the squirrel didn’t come in.
Now the screen needs to be repaired again. “That squirrel owes me $50 for the two screens,” Terry complained.
We don’t think the squirrel is going to pay. In fact, it’s probably going to cost us even more, because now Terry has decided we should invest in pet-proof screens.
Sigh. And it all started because the squirrels were so cute and we wanted to be friendly.
Bluejay and Near,
There is a concept I’ve been thinking about lately in terms of teaching children how to protect themselves against future influence by manipulators &/or predators. I’ve termed it “immunization”.
My mother was a full-blown psychopath (sadistic bully type but well regarded by most people). And yet I believe that most people saw her, at least on some level, for who she really was but never said anything because it would have been like poking a hornet’s nest with a stick. The thing that did the most damage to me was that not only did NO-ONE ever say anything bad about her (they wouldn’t have dared), but no-one ever even spoke in general terms to me about the characteristics of a good person vs. a bad or unhealthy person. And yet if someone had just made the effort to explain to me that, in general, “these types” of behaviours are OK, but “those types” are not OK, it would have given me a basis to question her behaviour and immunize me against believing that it was my fault for somehow provoking her to constantly attack me. I wouldn’t have taken in the “you’re an unworthy person” message quite so deeply.
There are so many times where it’s just not possible to remove a child from being around an exploitatvie type of person, although we should try to do that whenever possible. But we also need to equip our children with self-defense that’s appropriate for their age and skill-level for those times we can’t. I’ve been thinking that there are probably all kinds of seemingly small yet significant ways to immunize a child against this kind of influence, in a way that doesn’t create unnecessary drama.
Not sure if any of this is appropriate to your situation, but thought I’d throw that thought out there.
Annie: Thanks for the link! It was very helpful for me, actually. I somehow missed that blog. I’ve read most things on here now, but there are some blogs I’ve missed. Thank you! ^_^
Yeah, I agree with little ways to make the children immune. That’s kind of what I was trying to say with the general signs thing. Of course, you put it in to a well thought out post instead of my random blurbs! ^_^
Annie—great idea bringing that article back up, it IS very appropriate to this discussion.
Bluejay and Near and Annie, I agree that kids need to be immunized from exposure to measles, mumps, chicken pox and PSYCHOPATHS! I think that concept is very VERY good!
We need to get Dr. Leedom in on this. I bett’ya she has got an answer. I am going to e mail her right now about this. I advise ALL parents who are co-parenting with a psychopath to get on her blog anyway.
Okay I just e mailed Liane about this question so maybe she will have some input, if not today maybe she can do an article about it. This is an IMPORTANT QUESTION and one that I think deserves some intense thought and not just a “one shot” answer. Of course a lot will depend on if the kid is visiting with the parent, living with the P parent, and the age of the child….lots of considerations.
Oxy,
I started a small blog on that topic (small things people can do to immunize children &/or help survivors) that I haven’t done anything with yet (it’s still in draft form). Would love your feedback if you’d be interested in taking a look. Bloggert has the address if you’re interested.
Edit: My goals are twofold:
1) to canvas survivors of severe child abuse to ask them if there were small things that people did (or they wished people did) that significantly helped them survive or deal with the abuse
2) to provide a list of ‘small things’ bystanders/witnesses of child abuse can do to help immunize a child that doesn’t put them at risk or draw them too far into situations they’d prefer to avoid. I want to make it easy for people to reach out to help in small ways, instead of making into a momentous effort that people just avoid.
Annie, you can forward it to me at oxdrover1946@gmail.com and I will take a look at it, or you can just send it to Donna and see if she’d like to publish it.
I like your “goals” and part of the problem I think is that “bystanders” don’t want to get involved in a situation where they think it might impact back on them for “tattling”‘
One of the concepts I tried to get across to kids in my care is that TATTLING (a no no) is coming and saying “Johnny called me a doo doo” and “TELLING” IS coming and saying “Johnny is playing with matches”
We don’t need to tattle but we do need to TELL!
Near, Annie, and Ox Drover,
I feel like I live my life, but I’m on alert (for bad things happening via the spath). My children are aware that I think that their dad is a spath (they’ve seen me reading books, going to this web site, etc.), getting REALLY familiar with the topic. My oldest boy has figured out that his father lies and steals (we believe he stole money out of his wallet last fall), also the spath is not a wiz with managing money. He has seen the sheriff come to our house (on more than one occasion) over various legal issues (eg. the spath owed taxes on his business, so the county was going after him, etc.). These encounters make me very anxious, taking a while to “shake it off,” feeling mentally stabilized again. The other two children adore their father, thinking that he’s a good man. I have to control my tongue when I talk about the spath, this I’ll admit. The spath is a financial nitwit (I really do hate namecalling, but this is a fact about this man). As far as my kids, they are the blessings in this ordeal, each one having a good personality, disposition. For me, I want to avoid, prevent my kids and myself from experiencing more embarrassing, traumatic experiences. I haven’t always kept my cool in the past when something has come to light that the spath has done. He’s a sneaky type of guy, doing things behind your back and when his actions are revealed, he has no shame or embarrassment, or he comes up with a b.s. story.
Annie,
Any parenting suggestions is always appreciated, keeping the “notes” in my mental file (referring back to them at appropriate times). Your blog sounds like it will be helpful to others who could use some guidance in dealing with spaths. The more help, the better. Finally, the spath is not a sadistic type of person – he loves to spend time with his kids, going to ball games, scouting events, school activities, etc. He really has been a hands-on dad (from the time they were babies until the present), having told me that he doesn’t want to be like how his own father was, an uninvolved dad who didn’t know how to parent.
Donna – you have your haha on today!
This thread has prompted me to comment. I don’t have any kids, but my X spath has two and I am so afraid that they are going to be just like him. Especially his son. I pray for them all the time and hope that their mother will have good influence over them. I don’t know her, but everything points to her being a good person. The kids are at very critical ages in their development.