As I was trying to come up with an idea for this week’s blog post, my husband, Terry, made a suggestion: “Why don’t you write about Psycho Squirrel?”
Last fall, we started tossing peanuts in the shells to squirrels in our backyard. We were captivated by the show they put on as they acrobatically chased each other along the fence and through the tree branches. Plus, we liked being nice to our furry neighbors.
Most of the squirrels picked up the peanuts and scurried away, burying them to eat in the winter. A couple of squirrels, however, were smart. They learned that humans meant food, and every time they saw us, bounded over to the ground below our back deck. They’d sit on their hind legs, twitch their tails, and look up at us expectantly. Of course, they were rewarded with peanuts.
Aw, aren’t they cute?
Well, they started getting brave, and crept up the steps of the deck. We opened the back door, which led into the kitchen, and tossed out a peanut. The squirrels scurried away with the peanuts, buried them, and came back for more. So then we squatted down low, cracked open the full-length glass storm door, and held the peanuts at their nose height. They were skittish at first, but soon began taking the peanuts right from our fingers.
They’d sit on the deck, hold the peanut to their mouths and roll it, as if looking for a place to bite the shell. Sometimes they ate the peanuts, and sometimes they ran away, buried them, and came back for more. If we weren’t right at the door, we could hear them tapping on the glass with their tiny claws.
Aren’t they cute?
We ended up with three “pet squirrels—”one day they all kept coming to the door like a tag team. Eventually, if they saw us, they’d leap through the trees to the ground below the deck and then run up the steps. When they saw us walking up the driveway, they followed. We started keeping a small ceramic bowl filled with peanuts on the counter next to the back door, so they’d be handy when our squirrel buddies showed up. We imagined that they really appreciated us when 18 inches of snow blanketed the ground and all their peanuts from the fall were hidden.
A few weeks ago, spring finally arrived, and we exchanged the glass in the storm door for a screen. We hadn’t seen the squirrels in awhile, but one showed up. She looked well fed, but still remembered how to beg for a handout.
I opened the screen door, held a peanut low for her, and she took it. She came back several times; I fed her about five peanuts. Then I had to go back to work. I closed the screen door, but the main back door was open to let the warm breeze into the house.
A couple of hours later I walked back into the kitchen and stopped short. The screen by the door handle was shredded—someone had broken into the house! Then I noticed the ceramic bowl was empty, there were broken peanut shells all over the floor, and a small yellow puddle on the counter.
The squirrel had chewed through the screen, eaten all the peanuts, and left. I couldn’t believe it. I shut the main back door—wood with glass panes at the top—so she couldn’t come back in. But she had learned well, and a little while later I caught her trying to climb through the hole in the screen again.
That was it. Now it was No Contact with the squirrel.
Terry took the screen out so it could be repaired. The squirrel didn’t know this, so when she next saw me in the kitchen, she leaped at the door, expecting to cling to the screen. Instead, she slammed into the regular door with its glass panes. With nothing to hold on to, she slid to the deck.
We stayed on the No Contact program, even though the squirrel kept following us around the yard and begging. No more handouts, no more bowl of peanuts on the counter by the door. In fact, since we couldn’t really tell the squirrels apart, none got fed. One overly aggressive squirrel had ruined it for everyone.
After a couple of weeks, hoping the pushy squirrel had forgotten that she had been sponging off of us, we replaced the screen, which had cost $25 to fix. It was fine for awhile, but the other day, I walked into the kitchen to find holes in the screen next to the door handle. She didn’t forget. But at least there were no peanuts on the counter, so the squirrel didn’t come in.
Now the screen needs to be repaired again. “That squirrel owes me $50 for the two screens,” Terry complained.
We don’t think the squirrel is going to pay. In fact, it’s probably going to cost us even more, because now Terry has decided we should invest in pet-proof screens.
Sigh. And it all started because the squirrels were so cute and we wanted to be friendly.
Breckgirl – wow, long time no see! I have an idea about your dinners with spath ex. Always meet at a restaurant or outdoors in a park for a picnic – and change your locks.
I love the parallels between squirrels and spaths! Priceless! One of the first things I thought of when reading this was how, when I run in a park near my house, the squirrels, who’ve been fed by park visitors, literally jump out at me on the path. They block my way, as if demanding to be fed, and I’m forced to go off the path to get around them. I’ve actually screamed and jumped aside, as it can be pretty scary when they seem to come so aggressively out of nowhere.
Near:
One of the ways my ex has tried to worm his way back into my life has been to ask me to go out to eat with him and our daughter, for her benefit of course in being able to have a “family” meal. Each time I fell for it (last time was a year ago), it started with an innocent meal, progressed to him pushing for us to be together more for “family” time, and culminated with verbal abuse as he accused me of leading him on. Never again!
Annie:
I hope you get the article published on the blog, as it sounds very pertinent to my situation. I’m gathering info on anything I can do to try to protect my daughter from being further manipulated by her spath dad.
one/joy – thank you for your concern and no worries – my children’s father is NOT a spath The spath in my life was the man I dated after our divorce and he is a violent criminal at this point – has been in and out of jail and the psych ward for his craziness-thinks he is God or a King at various times – obviously not like that when we met but what I couldn’t see was he was on his way there…) – my ex-hubby is a very passive aggressive person and emotionally limited – avoidant relationship style. So we co-parent fairly amicably – of course I have to bend over quite a bit to keep things harmonious for my kids but they have gotten to an age where they get it and they would rather have limited contact with him and live with me most of the time – they wish for full time but don’t want to hurt Daddy’s feelings. I have discussed with them how he seems to have no difficulty hurting theirs and they need to put theirs first – seeing as they are 9 and 11 and he is 56.
In fact I just finished a book on the three basic styles of relationship – avoidant, secure and anxious attachments and it blew me away. The book is called Attached by Levine and Heller – http://www.attachedthebook.com/ It is clear that the N/S/P’s and other disordered people are avoidant (although you can be an avoidant and not be an N/S/P) – this book reassures those of us who have been involved with avoidant relaters that truthfully 50-60% are secure relaters and the rest are anxious types or avoidants – even if you started out as a secure a relationship with a Spath can or probably will make you into an anxious type. As I read the book I was sitting next to my ex-h in a car as we drove our oldest daughter to her first week of sleep away camp. It was a long ride and I was reading the book and came upon a section the described the nightmare my marriage was as I sat next to him. Unbelievable experience and sense of loss of 15 years of my life due to the cycle that develops between avoidant and anxious. They talk about how it changes your brain and personality to be involved with them.
Here is the good news ladies – I am dating someone who is a secure relater for truthfully the first time in my life. My fears and doubts about being involved with anyone at all have diminished as I have learned to watch for the red flags etc – but even more this book helped me to see clearly the behavior my boyfriend engages in so very naturally – the clear communication, the supportive words and actions when he senses I am anxious – and none of it is an effort fr him but comes out of a natural way of being – being loving and kind. I wish for you all the same sorts of relationships with loving secure people. I hope I am raising my children to be the same.
You guys! I got jumped by a gang of Squirrels during a visit to Walmart. Somebody call the police! Five people died, hundreds maimed, and a few were mimed!! Mimes are scary! Nah, just kidding, except for the mime part. ^_^
Mustcahio: Ah, this all sounds familiar. We went through that as well. We went out with him for Easter to eat and then he made plans to go out in the future and even on other holidays like 4th of July and Christmas! It’s like he is trying to mark his territory and reserve his place so nobody else can move in on it. He didn’t say my mom was making a move on him, though. He sure did love that “family time” though! @......._@.......
Good for you that you said never again! That’s what WE need to do. He’s too boring to make dinner conversation with anyway. He can’t, actually. He is too empty, I guess, or maybe we don’t have anything in common. You know, since I’m not into his activities. 😛
Annie: I hope your article is published here too. Your posts are great, so this must be even better. ^_^
breckgirl: That book sounds AWESOME! Can you give me some bullet points on what makes the avoidant attachment? Nothing too long, if you don’t want to, but I’m very interested in that.
Good job on a healthy relationship! Most people don’t even understand how toxic past relationships really are until they are in a healthy one again. ^_^
Fun article Donna, I have to buy safflower seed for my birdfeeders. The squirrills dont like safflower seeds but if I put regular sunflower mix the squirrills will empty my bird feeders in a few hours, sometime scratching most of the seed on the ground..
My Xspath BF was happy with a peanut butter sandwich, he preferred that over a five course gourmet meal…he lived on peanut butter and rootbeer….
Near-
I’ll do my best. Essentially all people long for companionship – as you know in prison solitary confinement is considered the worst punishment.
The authors split people into types based on one of three styles of attaching to others. This comes out of research watching infants and their mothers etc.
There are “Secures” who are genuinely loving and not thrown off balance by the other person and are emotionally attuned.
There are the Anxious – who are loving and wonderful when in an unactivated state but when a perceived threat appears they basically become activated and over focus etc….
There are the Avoidant – they basically activate the anxious constantly as they seek relationship and then seek to escape and the cycle of attaching to an anxious person and then activating that person’s fear of loss and the anxious person then further activating the avoiders fear of being smothered – well you get it…
Secures can handle an attachment with another secure (best)
Secure and an Anxious – the effect of a Secure attach style on an Anxious attach style is phenomenal – calms them and allows them to enjoy their lives… (yay for me being in this situation and thank you honey even though you aren’t reading this)…
Avoidant style -> avoidants and anxious styles often end up together – and have difficulty breaking up. The Avoidant – like all people / styles often wants to be in relationship – but once in the relationship experiences great discomfort – feels trapped / smothered etc… And their reaction which is to distance themselves emotionally and or physically.
I will give you a personal example from my current relationship – my bf lives about 600 miles from me so phone and text is important daily. At one point early on he had asked why I rarely called as I did not call him except to return his calls. He wondered why and I explained that I did not want to bother him and he teased that yes he might just see my call and laugh as it rolled into voicemail. He was truly joking but he had hit on my secret fear of not being responded to – I then explained he could be sure I would not call as the thought of him laughing as he watched a call from me go to vm caused me upset and so I was not anymore inspired to call him now than before he had asked. My anxiety over an unanswered call made me choose not to call at all in order to avoid that as I know myself well enough to know that if a call was not returned in a relatively reasonable amount of time I would become nervous about the state of the relationship. I had been treated badly before and want at all costs to avoid feeling that pain again. I wish this was not true of me but it is and so I avoid putting myself in a position where I will suffer that anxiety.
My bf actually usually answers my calls and I have gitten more comfortable making them. He is a busy attorney. Today I called him and got his voicemail – left a message saying I was just calling to hear his voice and would talk to him later. I was okay as I know him well enough now (and he has made me feel secure enough) that it would take an extended period of time (a full day) before I would experience any concern. Later in the day I called again as I wanted to suggest something about an upcoming vacation. He did not answer this time either. A few minutes later while I was on the phone with a client I missed his return call. He left me a message saying he saw he had missed some calls and that he was having a crazy busy day but he loved me and missed me and he would call me at the end of the day “and oh by the way I love you”… He is a “Secure attacher” and he knowing that I might be upset at a 2nd unanswered call interrupted his business to let me know what was going on and to reassure me of his love for me. This may sound small to some of you but knowing that he cares about my feelings is huge for me. It is at age 46 a new experience for me as I have never been involved in an intimate relationship and certainly no one in my family of origin cared about my feelings. It was all about them always and I grew very good at putting aside my wants and needs to such a degree I often have difficulty even knowing what they are….
Near I don’t know if I answered your question. I do highly recommend the book as it explained so much to me about relationships – other than the one I had with the S’path but also shed light there as well. And I hope it will help me to teach my two precious daughters as well….
hens, ewwww, yuck, that’s a red flag.
seriously, it is, because it’s what little kids eat.
Have you ever seen a toddler going through a stage when he gets really finicky and then will only eat one thing for about a month? Spaths do that too.
My spath ate mostly cheerios during these times. Boxes and boxes of them. And canned peaches too.
I think that the infantile aspect of them includes their taste buds in many cases. They prefer the foods that little kids like, sweet stuff and not much variety.
Their palates are not very complex. Not that my spath didn’t like me to take him to fancy restaurants, but I think the point of that was just because he was taking from me and being waited on. In truth, he just would rather eat cheerios and sit around on the couch naked except for his teeshirt, sans diaper.
breckgirl:
I am definitely the anxious type unless I do feel very secure in the relationship. The X spath was an avoidant as I can see all spaths being.
So funny you talked about your BF asking you why you didn’t call. My X spath asked me that at the very beginning of our relationship. That is just not me; I don’t call men even when I am in a relationship. I am just not the initiator much on that end. It drives me crazy though because it’s one of the things I think about when I ruminate. I keep wondering…why did he ask me that? He liked me that much that he WANTED me to call? Of course that is not it, but he made me feel that way. Obviously just another manipulation OR…he is so used to women falling all over him and the OW in triangulation was calling and texting him non stop…he probably wondered why I wasn’t doing the same! HA!! But I love that…it really did show him that I was different and not like the other bimbos running after him. But he dumped me, too…disappeared…went back to his wife. But you know what?? I felt OK about that. That is his wife and that’s where he is supposed to be. It felt better than him being single and dumping me if that makes sense to anyone.
spathinator:
Great observation about food and the spaths.
Louise, yes my S’path asked the same. I’m just not one to do that unless I feel super comfortable…