Psychopath’s noses don’t work

I’ve been wondering about that the last days. What becomes of us children of psychopaths? Some becomes spath as well, other’s don’t. Those of us who don’t still inherited some traits or dealing mechanisms from the spath parent, but what are they? The importance of healing and processes shows it has two sides to it. Not only look at the “Survivor” side of it, but also our dark secrets that are well hidden away from our selves. Children learn from their parents. My mother is a great pity player and has always worked for her, and as a young child I did the same, I thought it was a way to make new friends. To the outside world I looked manipulative. At home I was never allowed to have any feelings – I would be punished if I showed anything at all- and as the years passed by, I grew cold and distant – not in contact with my emotions made me look like a person made of stone, but nobody ever saw the crying within the four walls of the bedroom. There was never any time to show emotions either as my mother kept me busy with her ongoing drama. I had to be the strong one so I could carry her until my body couldn’t take it anymore and shut down, but to the outside world I looked like nothing could ever affect me.

Now as I am grown, got my not so lovely experiences with several spath relationships, I can see, in an absurd way, how those individuals connected with me on that particularly plan. I can also see how normal people didn’t want to connect with me as well.

I have a very strange feeling that my last one tried to make me become very much alike him self, when he discovered I was not quite like him (first he somehow assumed that his world was normal to me,as if I could have been his accomplice and he had strategies on how he would train me, rough me up because I was so mentally “weak”), he got furious – and I was in shock of how he didn’t have the same view on love or caring for other people as I did. I tend to ADJUST to people, not to manipulate, it has been a mechanism for me to survive. “Oh are you angry? What can I do to help the anger go away? If I become what you want you will not punish me with your anger”. I will adjust my self to a person so I can escape the punishment, abandonment or whatever it is that’s bothering people and so on.
Spath on the other hand use the same strategy, but only to hook a person and get what they want by manipulation. They are driven out of ego, I was driven of fear. Point is, same strategy, but from a different angle, both side’s not healthy. To begin with, when I first started reading about the subject of psychopath, I misinterpreted this trait in me as mirroring, comparing it to the strategy of spaths and my self blaming really set in. To the outside world it looks the same.

These realizations was not one of the good ones at all.I truly believed I was the crazy one. It worried me sick and it really gave me a punch in the stomach – But having said that, I have never cheated, lied or done anything close to what Spaths do. It helped talking to my therapists about it, they’ve said they’d had not seen any traits in me, only the ptsd. It made me relax and calm down. Thank God. the blame has shifted there as well.

I understood this after listening to John Bradshaw, that I view my world with my inner child’s eyes. Now, as I am aware of it, I’ve stopped to “pity” my self infront of others, taking more responsebility for my state of emotions and thinking. I try to find out, who am I and keep my self to ME no matter what others say or think about me. If someone thinks I’m too directly, then fine, that’s how I AM and proud to! If someone like my neighbour or a friend has a bad day that’s got nothing to do with me, but takes it out on me, well, fine not my problem or anger to deal with. They can take responsibility for their own emotions and put it where it belongs, I am not their personal garbage can. My inner child would former immediately jump and think in such a situation: “Oh my god I’m bad aren’t I? What did I do wrong? It’s all my fault and I feel so bad. I feel bad so its my feeling, I will fix it somehow -before it feels even worse. If you are okay, I’m okay.” Now I know it isn’t, they aren’t my emotions at all to cope with.

I’ve learned from a very young age that my parents feelings and problems we’re mine, so for a long time I though that all emotions are mine who ever it belonged to. Now I see how I willingly took the blame and responsebility in my relationships with my boyfriends. For some time, I saw this pattern as psychopathic trait, since I couldn’t distinguish my self from others. I struggled for a year and a half worrying thinking about it, but now I see I was trained to be the can. Spaths just love giving away their shit to others and I guess my mother trained me well. Still the angels must have watched over me -something in me was intact, cause I knew from a very young age that this wasn’t right, my mother was ill.

I do not differ from what we all agree on, “When we grow up in a “dysfunctional” home we tend to think that is what is “normal” behavior”.and we learn to put up with dysfunctional and abusive behaivor in others, to accept it as “normal.” I’m just saying as a child I learned som destructive skills I am now letting go off.