A new study out of Australia finds that people high in psychopathic traits did poorly when asked to identify common odors. Read:
Psychopaths have poor sense of smell, study finds, on CBSNews.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
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How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists
Shane: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5q2tZa1gp8Q
Was it Spoon who posted all these great videos and artikles? Shane check out Spoon, she got many great and insightfull posts.
Skylar: Mhm, yes it is.
The lack of fear is interesting. I’ve been struggling with angst for many years, but when everything fell apart last year I discovered I lacked fear. I suddenly took risks I never would have done before and in a sence it felt liberating, but in the other hand I needed it to feel alive.I had it mentally, but I couldn’t feel it. Now as things have been calmer and my head is clearer, I do feel somewhat fear again. I do feel fear in situations that can cause me harm, like falling of the horse or a car accident. I no longer have angst, only some few minor things, but not in the scale as it used to be.
And I have always been able to smell a rat, If I just could have believed in my self…
The spath I dated in 2008 had no problem with his sense of smell. The first time we met, he kept trying to get near me because I “smelled so good”. He did the same thing the day he stalked me at the expo. He kept getting close trying to smell my hair.
Sunflower, I’m very impressed with your insight. I remember the day several years ago that I realized I had some narcissistic traits like my mother. It was very freeing to see this element of my “shadow”. It’s not just that the spath is SO bad and we were SO good as to why we hooked up with them. We are all complex as human beings. We have positive and not-so-positive traits and traits that are “hooks” for others with complementary traits. For us normals, however, if we can identify things that don’t work for us, we can change them. It’s good to be realistic about ourselves, accepting our strengths and weaknesses rather than to feel as though we are bad, screwed up, etc. Sounds like you are arriving at a realistic view of yourself, your patterns, and motivations. Good for you.
My observation of a lot of people who have been traumatized by spaths is that their opinions of themselves tend to be much lower than they should be and they fail to see their positive traits. This is understandable after you’ve been torn down for a long time. Recovery is not only realizing you’re a good person and have great qualities, but also seeing your weaknesses and the unconstructive behaviors – especially the unconcious ones – that keep attracting the things you don’t want into your life. The more parts of yourself – good and bad – that you can accept, the more you can become a creator of the life you actually want, rather than a victim of circumstances and repetitive patterns. When you can see, love, and accept all parts of yourself, you start to become whole again.
Thank you startgazer for your kind words. I agree, we need to accept our own destructive qualities as well. The hard part is to not blame your self when you understand what you have done to others. As much as we’d like to hear we’re perfect, we must realize we’re not. We are humans and humans makes mistakes. I think another key is to forgive thy self, because it’s the hardest part. Not necessarily just forgiving others.
Ya know, After having been slimed last week-end, I’ve been reading up on triangulation and narcissistic abuse, and I realized something….for me, these people have an energy around them that I can feel get inside of me…really. I know it sounds strange, but it’s like a chemical combustion…a very real physical force feild. I FEEL it physically, and it’s a feeling that is very hard to describe. I think it’s something like the feeling little kids describe as, “yucky,’ when something bad has happened to them, but they don’t have the adult insight and/or language skills to describe it.
It just feels bad.
SIL has a way of slamming me off guard. He attacks when I least expect an attack, and I am instantly sucked into a vortex of energy….it’s really something, how I am physically affected…shaking, sick tto my stomache, dizzy….adrenaline pumping…fight or flight? Swirling, instantaeous search for self defence…angry, confused, intimidated…all at the same time.
I am the perfect conduit for this narcissistic energy, because I am the negative charge….truly…..this combustion doesn’t happen with other people, only between me a a narcissist.
I rale against domination, and abandonment, they rail against not being worshipped and powerful….and there’s something in the air I can smell when I’m around them.
It isn’t a good combination, and I try to avoid them, and just focus my attention on becoming independant, and taking care of myself.
Life is pretty good, today.
Kim, The entire descriptin of the reactions you have is exactly what the Cluster B’s provoke in others. That is good that you try to avoid them because I think it is truly the only way to avoid being triggered by them, and in turn, continuing about the healing process in a successful way. So glad life is good for you, today! I hope each day keeps getting better and better. : )
Kim,
That’s a great description of slime. And it turns out slime is actually shame that they are trying to put on you, but you are rejecting it. Instead, your response is outrage, which is appropriate because you have no reason to feel ashamed.
I think that the dynamic is this: Spaths are overwhelmed with shame for whatever reason. They also, like you, react with anger and outrage and all the things you described, confusion, feeling intimidated, etc… The spath’s response to his feelings is to project them onto you so that YOU will feel what he feels. When you react by showing that you are feeling slimed, by being angry, confused and intimidated, that is when he knows he has won. Then the spath no longer feels bad. He has kicked his dog and now his dog feels bad and spath feel better.
The key is to not react to a spath’s rages with any self defense. The key is to laugh, smile, change the subject. This is the emotional equivalent of dodging a bullet. Do not accept the slime. Don’t let the slime touch you at all.
My ex-spath use to rage at waitresses and baristas. He came home one day and told me proudly how he had made the girl at the espresso stand cry by just yelling at her. Apparently she deserved it because she touched the lid of his coffee cup with perfume on her hands and ruined his coffee. He said he hates perfume.
Yes, Skylar, I do agree, it’s shame they are projecting…for some reason I trigger that shame in narcissists, and they dump it all on me….then I carry it around for a while. The scenario goes a little like this:
Daughter was irresponsible about setting up child-care, and as usual, did not communicate with me about it until the last minute and assumed I be there to pick up the slack.
I have been pretty much ousted by him, and rarely deal with him at all….unless he wants something from me.
I have been very dependant on her in the past, and she has done one hell of a lot for me. I am extremely sensitive about that, and probably a little ashamed.
I have been working very hard at becoming independant, while still maintaining a “new” kind of relationship with my daughter.
All these things contribute to my resenting his entitled attitude that his week-end get away was so much more important than anything or anyone else involved in the scenario. And then to make that power-play by going strasight in for the throat…(shame-core)…..but it was all triggered by my assigning shame to him….that he should be ashamed to be heaping this on my daughter, while she is out of town and powerless to do anything about it, and why the hell can’t he stay home, where he belongs and take care of HIS family obligations…..he then disowns hios shame and attacks me where I am the most vulnerable….Feeling ashamed for asking so much, and then not doing this ONE LITTLE THING, not for him, mind you, for her….It seems that she always escapes the shame game, she is always the good and selfless one, and he and I are always in this shame dumping, musical chairs game, where we accuse the other one of letting her down.
I have been trying to decide what tact to take. Whether I should have this conversation with my daughter, or just show her through less involvement. This stuff has everything to do with the fact that I’ve been dependant on other people for most of my life……it’s how they can continue to abuse me (trauma bond) and it’s really time to start establishing boundries, and developing self-esteem and self-reliance, and self-confidence…in a really big way.
I really don’t want to seem ungrateful, but, I refuse to be abused anymore, and I dont want to pass around the shit-turd either.
I know all about gray rock, but when you are being slammed out of nowhere, it is so hard not to react, especially when everything in you is in fight or flight mode. Sheesh.
Kim,
You said, “I don’t want to seem ungrateful.”
let us not forget that you DID raise her, so it isn’t as though you’ve never done anything for her. You also left her dad while she was young, to your credit, so she didn’t have to deal with that abuse.
So leaving the abuser out of it, concentrate on what you WANT to do. Not on what you feel obligated to do. Out of love for your daughter and your grand kids, you want to support her. On the other hand, never do anything you don’t want to do no matter how others may try to obligate you. Your SIL called you an ungrateful bitch because he knows this obligation is your trigger. Furthermore, while you were living with them, you took on many responsibilities, so you owe them nothing.
I think that when you love someone, you don’t keep score about who did what for whom. You just do because you want to. and you don’t if you don’t want to, but that doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It might just mean that you don’t feel it is appropriate at the moment or convenient or whatever. Because if you do something for someone and keep score or feel resentment about doing it, then it negates the “gift” of what you did.
In this situation with your daughter, I don’t think the answer is boundaries around your actions, but rather boundaries on your emotions. Gray rock needs to become not just something you show, but something you are.
For example, if you decide not to babysit because your SIL is abusive, but yet you feel guilty about it, then you haven’t established any boundary at all. Your son in law isn’t trying to make you do things for him, his REAL goal is your emotions and your acquiesing to babysit is just one way he has evidence that he has succeeded. Another way, is when you REFUSE to babysit, he still has evidence that he succeeded. Heads you lose, Tails he wins. The only way for you to win is to ignore the coin toss and just do what YOU want to do because you want to do it.
I know it’s unreal to believe that a person could be feeding on your emotions. It’s easier to believe that he wants power and control over you so that you will be subservient, but that is only the surface cover he presents. His real goal is JUST YOUR EMOTIONS. So you know what I always say: DON’T GIVE HIM ANY.
In this case, I would propose the “switch the typewriter keys” strategy to confound the spath. This means, whatever button he pushes, be prepared to respond in some random unexpected way. laughter is usually a good one.
You also said, “…but when you are slammed out of nowhere, it’s hard not to react.”
But Kim you weren’t slammed out of nowhere, he does this all the time. Expect it. I submit to you that when he isn NOT being abusive, he is only setting you up for the “slam out of nowhere.” KNOW what he is. KNOW what to expect. Don’t let cog diss fog your perceptions. When he is being civil, it’s an act. He’s always looking to feed off you.
Thanks, Skylar. I will work on being gray rock!! Excellant advise. If I can’t always be gray rock, I will sure as hell fake it tell I make it. (((HUGS)))))