By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Most of you know I have spent a good portion of my life training animals of various kinds dogs for obedience and to work livestock, horses, donkeys and cattle (oxen).
When we train animals, we “condition” them to do X and they receive Y reward. Ivan Pavlov, a Russian physiologist, conditioned dogs to expect to be fed by ringing a bell every time they got fed. Eventually when a bell was rung, even though there was no food in sight, the animals expected to be fed, and their bodies reacted by making them “slobber” at the mouth, just as they would if food were present.
B.F. Skinner, and American psychologist, observed that animals who had intermittent rewards, rather than continual rewards, would continue a behavior longer than animals who got rewarded every time they did an act. For example, a rat that pushed a lever and got a grain of food every time, would quickly stop pushing it if the food didn’t com. But a rat that sometimes got a food pellet when he pushed the lever would continue to pound on the lever for a very long time, or even never stop pushing it, even though he did not get a food pellet.
In humans, this “intermittent” rewards works in a slot machine, or in gambling games, because every once in a while you get rewarded. Therefore, you keep hoping that next time will be THE TIME.
Psychopaths and intermittent rewards
You may ask what this training technique has to do with psychopaths. Well, just as Las Vegas was built on intermittent rewards for gamblers, relationships with psychopaths are built on the intermittent rewards they give us.
At the first part of the relationship, the psychopath “love bombs” us by giving us the good things we enjoy compliments, doing things for us, great sex. WOW! We think we have found nirvana. Just as a dog I am beginning to train gets a treat every time he “sits,” then only sometimes when he “sits,” the psychopath only gives us the “loving” some of the time. Also, just as I eventually no longer give the dog a food treat any time he “sits,” and the most he will get is a “good dog” verbal compliment, or a scolding if he doesn’t sit fast enough, the psychopath quits giving us treats and gives us “scoldings.”
We have been conditioned by the psychopath to be and do what they want, because we still desire that initial “love bombing,” and we dread the “scolding” they will give us if we don’t “jump” when they say “frog.” We keep on hoping against hope that we will be able to please them again. We do whatever we can to keep the scoldings to a minimum and get them to reward us with “love” again.
Running for bread
It doesn’t make any kind of difference if the animal we are training is a dog, a parrot, a donkey, an steer, a horse ”¦ the conditioning works the same. Intermittent rewards cause the desired behavior to continue. If we give continual rewards every time they perform the behavior, it wouldn’t take long for the behavior to be extinguished when we stopped rewarding it.
My mammoth jack donkeys, Fat Ass and Hairy Ass, haven’t had a piece of bread (their preferred treat) in a year or more. But any time I go to the hangar and open the freezer, they come running up to the fence on the never dying hope that I will get bread out of the freezer and give them a piece. They are totally “conditioned” to that treat, and they know that the opening and closing of the freezer is what always preceded them getting a slice of bread.
The psychopath we have had relationships with know what “rings our chimes,” what makes us happy and what makes us sad, or what makes us angry. It is like a panel of buttons on the front of our chest. They know just the exact words to say, or the thing to do, that will press our “buttons” and get the reaction they want from us.
No Contact is the answer
No Contact keeps those buttons covered. That is why it works.
Psychopaths know that in the past, if they pressed “button A,” you would do B. So they will keep on trying because IT ALWAYS WORKED IN THE PAST. They just know if they keep doing it, it will EVENTUALLY work again. So they will press it harder and faster and longer. Just like some old lady sitting at a slot machine, plugging in quarters, she just “knows” that the very next quarter will get her a reward. Just like my donkeys running up to the fence when I open the freezer, they still hope to get a slice of bread, a reward.
Expect when you go No Contact that the psychopath will up the ante and will work harder and longer to get a reaction. If it takes 30 times for them to eventually get a reaction, THEY LEARN THAT it takes 30 TIMES TO GET A REACTION. If next time it takes 40 times, they learn that they must work a bit harder to get a reaction, so they keep on and on and never stop.
So hang in there. Once you make up your mind to go NO CONTACT, then STAY no contact, because if you give them ANY reward of ANY kind, even a well deserved “cussing,” it is still a reward. It is ATTENTION, and even negative attention is attention. Not being noticed at all is the worst punishment they can have.
If you are required by law to have contact with them, like if you share children, do it only by e-mail, so that you have a record of it. Discuss ONLY the children. Do not respond to any nasty comments they make. Refuse to discuss the other person with your children, and Gray Rock them entirely. NO emotional responses at all. If possible, get someone else to pick up and drop off the kids, so you do not have to see him/her. Or do it in a public place, a police department parking lot if necessary.
We can stop them only by not responding. So when your ex is trying to push your buttons, just think about Joyce’s donkeys Fat Ass and Hairy Ass running up to the fence for a slice of bread. Visualize your psychopath with long ears, standing there trying to get a reaction from you, and then DON’T GIVE IT. Take control and refuse to allow the psychopath to make you respond to his/her button pushing!
God bless.
Dupey, I wasn’t bashing you!
I was simply putting things in perspective, but I see you figured it out on your own.
I’m glad that you’re moving, too.
Sky, Dupey and anyone that may care ~
You may be interested in reading the Feb. 6 article written by Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide: Bill Ronan
Mr. Ronan links and suggests we read an article published by WAVE an organization that is AGAINST the passage of VAWA. There is an article written by a former family court magistrate who’s comments made my skin crawl.
Dupey, I immediately thought of you and several others. This magistrate is of the opinion that orders of protection should allow stalkers such freedoms as texting, sending flowers and much more.
I was and still am outraged that this Professional Resource Guide sponsored by LF would contain something that could possibly be of great harm to many of it’s readers.
For expressing my opinion I was called a trouble maker.
((Milo))
Spaths can use even the most beneficent things for evil. We know they use and pervert the bible all the time. So of course they can use DV laws.
My own brother did that to me. For the fun of it.
And didn’t your daughter accuse you of beating her up?
That’s what they do so that we become afraid to stand up to them. They want to leave us feeling helpless.
I hope that the VAWA does pass, but I’m sure that the spaths will find a way around it. Oh, I know…this bill had protections for illegal immigrants removed, so the spaths will simply focus on abusing illegal immigrants. If anyone complains, the spaths can say that “they had it coming, for being here.”
And when the spaths aren’t doing that, they will be joining police forces so that they can arrest the victims when the spaths call them and pretend to be victimized.
These kinds of tactics are what they’ve been doing for centuries to prove that good is bad, bad is good and as my spath sister says, “it’s okay to be evil.”
Skylar, you are absolutely right that stalkers of all kinds can use the most beneficent things for evil….leaving a rose on your door, just to let you know they have BEEN THERE, and the emails saying how much they love you.
Dupey, sugar, I’m not sure where you are moving or if you will be buying or renting etc. but see if there is any way you can have the place in the name of an LLC (look up how to form one iin your state) and have your utilities in that name too, so that hopefully he will not be able to google you and find where you are.
Good luck! and really STAY SAFE!!! If you break NC this time I will BOINK you a good one with the cyber iron skillet!
skylar: no worries…IT WAS A GOOD BASH!!!! xxoo
You TRULY slammed me in the melon before Ox could
with her frying pan. hahahaha Really DID set me straight
and I am grateful to you, very much. I was lost in the land
of OZ there for a while… PPATH induced.
Ox….she wanted to get her cyber skillet on my bean before
I made that BIG HUGE MISTAKE of believing more BULLCARP.
Hm: MiLo: I read your post and that quite amazes me.
I am sorry that you were labeled a ‘trouble maker’. I do
certainly know that is not the case.
One thing about carp: they are only the words and not all
TRUTH. I am sorry. I wish I knew what to say but I
do agree with your point. The lack of understanding
in our ‘male society’ is quite appalling.
But of course, remember, Dear,
WOMEN haven’t had the right to vote FOR VERY LONG….
we are moving forward, if ever so slowly in equality with our male counterparts.
Oh yes, I can’t tell you how many LOVELY “gifts” I have
received over the years. I usually find someone to re-gift
them to so I DON’T have them staring me in the face all
the time! Everything else goes into the PPATH box…that box
stays BURIED in the garage. Right along with all my logs;
all my notes; evidence, etc. So, how’s that?
HE IS NOT TERRORIZING ME BY SENDING ME FLOWERS
LIKE HE LAUGHED ABOUT WHEN HE DID IT TO HIS EX WIFE.
His words: “How do you report receiving roses to the police?
Wouldn’t you look like a COMPLETE ass doing something like
that???” I told him that he should perhaps consult an attorney
before continuing to do these kinds of things because considering
he THREATENS people with their lives, his actions, most of them,
could be construe as being DOMESTIC TERRORISM.
He knows I know what he is.
He knows I am stronger than he is and he hates it.
That’s good. Because there is NOTHING he can do about it.
THIS IS MY LIFE.
I haven’t uttered a peep to him in almost ten months
now and I don’t intend on it. His ‘gifts’ don’t impress
me ENOUGH that I want to waste my breath, telling
him, once again, TO STOP STALKING ME!
Thanks, Ox, for your LLC suggestion – I have been tossing
it over – we’ll see. Still have a ways to go yet to be ready.
BELIEVE I am winning this battle and that “IT” is SURELY
going to lose in the long run.
Love you guys…
Thanks for being here for me today…
Dupey
Yes: I can see that the ‘gifts’ are lures…
I am ‘nice’, and in HIS PEABRAIN, he would think
that “I” would think it was from him because it has
been like that in the past…
And in HIS PEABRAIN: I will dial him up or send him
an email and just LONG to hear what “IT” has to say….
before, in the past, I believed his pleas of change and
care and concern and I let him close enough to almost
MURDER me…worked before, why not again?
Only thing is: it’s never going to happen again.
AND: if he comes near me, he will be arrested;
piece of paper or not. I bet he was quite surprised
to see “NO TRESPASSING. TRESPASSERS SUBJECT TO
ARREST” signs on my property now and it MEANS what it says.
And, “I” hold the alarm buzzer. lol I WIN!
Yah, right.
I have fallen for THAT lying & love bombing, enough….
BULLCARP: all of it. Predator.
You guys are ABSOLUTELY CORRECT…………..
NO FEEDING THE PPATH. Nothing.
THEY DO NOT CHANGE.
I AM CONVINCED.
We can hope all we want,
they just never change.
Time to wipe the slate clean and move forward…
He never leaves a note because he doesn’t want ANY
‘implication’, you see – HOWEVER, what he doesn’t
realize, IN HIS PEABRAIN IS: he has already substantiated himself a threat.
There is OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE against him.
Not just in my realm, either.
He is a ‘wanted’ person and HE BETTER KNOCK IT OFF:
I WILL BE HIS THIRD STRIKE and I will be MORE THAN
HAPPY TO DO IT. THAT is why he wants me
dead….ahahahaha HE IS A MORON.
Night everyone…
time for meds and zzzzzzz ….
Thanks again.
Dupey
Dupey, he’s nothing more than a bug – a bug with poison, but a bug, still-and-yet. Let the authorities know what’s happening and look forward to changes. GOOD changes, Dupey. POSITIVE changes.
Brightest protective blessings
Dupey, I’m extremely sorry to read in your posts of the stress you are under due to this stalker. It must be incredibly frustrating. Just wanted to send you a ”stay strong and stay safe” message of support. Take care of yourself x
Dupey, what if you didn’t touch the little gifts and just let them pile up on the steps? Gray rock him by gray rocking his little presents?
Today is my Birthday. I suppose I’ve gotten the best gift ever.It has been 2 weeks since I found out he was attempting/ succeeding in meeting with skanks online. Our explosive relationships lasted 18 miserable months. I told him I was done. He accused me of not trusting him, and saying you always accuse me of screwing girls in every state. The truck driver who once told me he could cheat and I would never find out. He underestimated me. He’s not very intelligent. Not very attractive, kinda gross actually. I was desperate and vulnerable when I latched onto him. He’s very irresponsible, even though he was very punctual about our rent, and his truck payment. He has nothing else. He seemed to LOVE me..sometimes. His outbursts were scary, his selfishness was childish. He was thoughtful..sometimes. Extremely cheap, most of the time. His apologies got more insincere. His “friends” are all losers/ druggies/former druggies. They scam each other. I was his closest relationship. He moved his belongings out..last fit of rage got physical. He was arrested, and informed to stay away. I didn’t press charges, just want him gone. He changed his #, as if I would EVER call him again. I found an envelope with I’d’s, ss #’s..I just put it back.. in fear of something bigger than I could comprehend. I still am in a state of shock..hurt..pain..numb. I’ve been left to pick up the pieces, part time job, little girl ( not his..thank God) rent on my own..I can’t afford… the list goes on. No remorse, no apologies…I suppose I’m to blame…lol in his eyes. Wow, how did I get so lucky??? No contact from him…some people are terrorized after the escape… maybe hes afraid to go to jail..He’s awaiting a court date..so maybe that’s how I am blessed not to have heard a word ??? Still unsure if he’s actually a sociopath..and if I’m in the clear of him for good?!?