By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Most of you know I have spent a good portion of my life training animals of various kinds dogs for obedience and to work livestock, horses, donkeys and cattle (oxen).
When we train animals, we “condition” them to do X and they receive Y reward. Ivan Pavlov, a Russian physiologist, conditioned dogs to expect to be fed by ringing a bell every time they got fed. Eventually when a bell was rung, even though there was no food in sight, the animals expected to be fed, and their bodies reacted by making them “slobber” at the mouth, just as they would if food were present.
B.F. Skinner, and American psychologist, observed that animals who had intermittent rewards, rather than continual rewards, would continue a behavior longer than animals who got rewarded every time they did an act. For example, a rat that pushed a lever and got a grain of food every time, would quickly stop pushing it if the food didn’t com. But a rat that sometimes got a food pellet when he pushed the lever would continue to pound on the lever for a very long time, or even never stop pushing it, even though he did not get a food pellet.
In humans, this “intermittent” rewards works in a slot machine, or in gambling games, because every once in a while you get rewarded. Therefore, you keep hoping that next time will be THE TIME.
Psychopaths and intermittent rewards
You may ask what this training technique has to do with psychopaths. Well, just as Las Vegas was built on intermittent rewards for gamblers, relationships with psychopaths are built on the intermittent rewards they give us.
At the first part of the relationship, the psychopath “love bombs” us by giving us the good things we enjoy compliments, doing things for us, great sex. WOW! We think we have found nirvana. Just as a dog I am beginning to train gets a treat every time he “sits,” then only sometimes when he “sits,” the psychopath only gives us the “loving” some of the time. Also, just as I eventually no longer give the dog a food treat any time he “sits,” and the most he will get is a “good dog” verbal compliment, or a scolding if he doesn’t sit fast enough, the psychopath quits giving us treats and gives us “scoldings.”
We have been conditioned by the psychopath to be and do what they want, because we still desire that initial “love bombing,” and we dread the “scolding” they will give us if we don’t “jump” when they say “frog.” We keep on hoping against hope that we will be able to please them again. We do whatever we can to keep the scoldings to a minimum and get them to reward us with “love” again.
Running for bread
It doesn’t make any kind of difference if the animal we are training is a dog, a parrot, a donkey, an steer, a horse ”¦ the conditioning works the same. Intermittent rewards cause the desired behavior to continue. If we give continual rewards every time they perform the behavior, it wouldn’t take long for the behavior to be extinguished when we stopped rewarding it.
My mammoth jack donkeys, Fat Ass and Hairy Ass, haven’t had a piece of bread (their preferred treat) in a year or more. But any time I go to the hangar and open the freezer, they come running up to the fence on the never dying hope that I will get bread out of the freezer and give them a piece. They are totally “conditioned” to that treat, and they know that the opening and closing of the freezer is what always preceded them getting a slice of bread.
The psychopath we have had relationships with know what “rings our chimes,” what makes us happy and what makes us sad, or what makes us angry. It is like a panel of buttons on the front of our chest. They know just the exact words to say, or the thing to do, that will press our “buttons” and get the reaction they want from us.
No Contact is the answer
No Contact keeps those buttons covered. That is why it works.
Psychopaths know that in the past, if they pressed “button A,” you would do B. So they will keep on trying because IT ALWAYS WORKED IN THE PAST. They just know if they keep doing it, it will EVENTUALLY work again. So they will press it harder and faster and longer. Just like some old lady sitting at a slot machine, plugging in quarters, she just “knows” that the very next quarter will get her a reward. Just like my donkeys running up to the fence when I open the freezer, they still hope to get a slice of bread, a reward.
Expect when you go No Contact that the psychopath will up the ante and will work harder and longer to get a reaction. If it takes 30 times for them to eventually get a reaction, THEY LEARN THAT it takes 30 TIMES TO GET A REACTION. If next time it takes 40 times, they learn that they must work a bit harder to get a reaction, so they keep on and on and never stop.
So hang in there. Once you make up your mind to go NO CONTACT, then STAY no contact, because if you give them ANY reward of ANY kind, even a well deserved “cussing,” it is still a reward. It is ATTENTION, and even negative attention is attention. Not being noticed at all is the worst punishment they can have.
If you are required by law to have contact with them, like if you share children, do it only by e-mail, so that you have a record of it. Discuss ONLY the children. Do not respond to any nasty comments they make. Refuse to discuss the other person with your children, and Gray Rock them entirely. NO emotional responses at all. If possible, get someone else to pick up and drop off the kids, so you do not have to see him/her. Or do it in a public place, a police department parking lot if necessary.
We can stop them only by not responding. So when your ex is trying to push your buttons, just think about Joyce’s donkeys Fat Ass and Hairy Ass running up to the fence for a slice of bread. Visualize your psychopath with long ears, standing there trying to get a reaction from you, and then DON’T GIVE IT. Take control and refuse to allow the psychopath to make you respond to his/her button pushing!
God bless.
Ox Drover
Thanks strongawoman for that link, very good article and I will go back to that site and read some other articles as well.
The Gift of Fear is a great book too, and helps us to remember to LISTEN to our environments. Sometimes the fear over comes me, but I try not to live in terror, but to live with reasonable caution.
Louise
strongawoman:
Yes! I have learned the gut is everything! I have always had a very strong intuition, but I have not always used it most unfortunately. Now, I do. It is our best guidance I think. Even if rarely it turns out to be wrong, it’s better to be safe than sorry.
Thanks for your wishes with my mum. It will always be a struggle until she gets to where she knows nothing and then it will only be sad. She is getting really confused. She has been calling me A LOT as you have probably read in my posts and she called today thinking I was driving home today…again. I just got back exactly one week ago. She asks everyday when I am coming home. I just keep telling her soon…in a few weeks, etc. I have to do that to keep my sanity. I will go back of course, but because I don’t know exactly when, it’s hard to tell her…she just doesn’t comprehend anything. Thanks for the support. It is really hard to deal with and I am finding out more and more that friends just don’t get it. I don’t have any friends whose mum’s are like this so they just don’t understand…they can’t as they have not experienced it. I find a little judging from them sometimes and THAT is very hurtful, but I have learned to live with that, too. I have to do what is best for me, not for everyone else. I’ve been through enough in my life. It’s time to take care of me. 🙂
I hope you are well, strongawoman.
strongawoman
Oxy, as a teacher I know we try to teach social skills but it’s not enough …..if only I had known about spaths and listening to red flags years ago! My dear old dad used to say prevention is better than cure. Yes, I do believe i had to experience what I went through in a way. I just want to prevent someone else experiencing it. How do we teach our children to be wary without scaring them?
strongawoman
Louise,
“I have always had a very strong intuition, but I have not always used it most unfortunately.”
Gosh yes. When I first clapped eyes on the spath I felt something sinister but ignored the feeling. Sigh.
I am so sorry you are experiencing a lack of support amongst your friends. It can be very isolating. I was listening to a radio prog recently on the BBC re alzheimers/dementia and how it is better to just agree or when your loved one asks you for the umpteenth time when is dinner ready…..and they ate it half an hour ago!…..you simply reply soon darling!
I am well, thank you for asking.
EDIT ADD: It is indeed time to take care of you
Ox Drover
Strongawoman, that is an excellent question, but unfortunately too many schools and parents teach the kids that life should be or is fair, when exactly the opposite is true. We teach our kids that “there is good in every one” when that is truly false. We teach our kids that “it takes two to fight” when we know that is not true as well.
I think we should tell our children the truth as they get old enough to comprehend it.
With my cattle, the cows are tame and are not afraid. When they have a calf and I walk among them, I see the calves watching the cows and how they react to me without fear, and the calves will sometimes come up to me and sniff me to see what strange thing I am, but mom is not afraid, if I had cows that WERE afraid and would run from me, the calves would as well, so even animals teach their babies by example and so should we, as well as talking to them and explaining things.
These kids who are bullied at school and go on to kill themselves from shame have not been shown that “life is not fair” but we must find a way to “accept it” without being harmed.
When I was in second grade (age 6) I was bullied and beaten every day and diid not tell anyone until she finally broke my jaw and it became apparent I was injured. My teacher and my parents told me what a terrible home life this little girl had and that is why she hurt me, they never once told me I had a right to be angry at her. I remember the shame I had every day when she beat me up. At least after she broke my jaw the beatings stopped.
blossom4th
strongawoman,
thanks for the link you posted above-just from looking at the name of the site,it was hard to determine what it’s about!But I bookmarked it after doing some reading,so that I can go back and read more articles.
As for that last question you posed,”How do we teach our children to be wary without scaring them?”I’m going to venture to answer,even though you asked Oxy.I’m sure you’ll get a great answer from her!
I did it without filling them them in on all the gory details.Just help them see the need for caution(such as not talking to strangers,or setting certain boundaries or restrictions) and letting them know they can always feel safe with mommy and that the only secrets should be “happy secrets”.
strongawoman
Thank you Blossom. The need for caution, I like that.
Ox, I got bullied too. He followed me and my sister home taunting us and throwing stones. One day I managed to run into my house and alert my Dad. He quickly ran outside and shouted at this boy. When I met him the next day the bully called my Dad weak and mocked him. I punched him square on the cheekbone. 20 minutes later my teacher found me in the yard playing and I was punished…..slapped and called a bully. It was worth it. He never bothered us again.
fixerupper
Ox Drover wrote:
“….
The Gift of Fear is a great book too, and helps us to remember to LISTEN to our environments…..”
Louise wrote:
“Yes! I have learned the gut is everything! I have always had a very strong intuition, but I have not always used it most unfortunately. Now, I do. It is our best guidance I think. Even if rarely it turns out to be wrong, it’s better to be safe than sorry.”
AMEN!
And the sociopath goes STRAIGHT to work to disable our ability to act on our gut feelings and instead, to DOUBT our gut and instincts. It’s like a virus disarming our immune system…or like enemy soldiers sneaking behind the lines to sabotage our defenses.
What an awful feeling it gives me. I was just outside looking up and saying to myself, AGAIN- ‘Was it real- ever? Was any part of it ever real?’ And it’s been SEVEN months!
Truthspeak
Fixerupper, it just takes time, that’s all. Time. You’re doing GREAT!
Brightest blessings
Louise
fixerupper:
Don’t worry…it’s been almost three years and I still ask myself sometimes if it was real. Please realize it is not like it used to be…the ruminating. Geez, at seven months I was still a raving lunatic so give yourself TIME. Time is really all it takes and No Contact and eventually, it will leave your system.