By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Most of you know I have spent a good portion of my life training animals of various kinds dogs for obedience and to work livestock, horses, donkeys and cattle (oxen).
When we train animals, we “condition” them to do X and they receive Y reward. Ivan Pavlov, a Russian physiologist, conditioned dogs to expect to be fed by ringing a bell every time they got fed. Eventually when a bell was rung, even though there was no food in sight, the animals expected to be fed, and their bodies reacted by making them “slobber” at the mouth, just as they would if food were present.
B.F. Skinner, and American psychologist, observed that animals who had intermittent rewards, rather than continual rewards, would continue a behavior longer than animals who got rewarded every time they did an act. For example, a rat that pushed a lever and got a grain of food every time, would quickly stop pushing it if the food didn’t com. But a rat that sometimes got a food pellet when he pushed the lever would continue to pound on the lever for a very long time, or even never stop pushing it, even though he did not get a food pellet.
In humans, this “intermittent” rewards works in a slot machine, or in gambling games, because every once in a while you get rewarded. Therefore, you keep hoping that next time will be THE TIME.
Psychopaths and intermittent rewards
You may ask what this training technique has to do with psychopaths. Well, just as Las Vegas was built on intermittent rewards for gamblers, relationships with psychopaths are built on the intermittent rewards they give us.
At the first part of the relationship, the psychopath “love bombs” us by giving us the good things we enjoy compliments, doing things for us, great sex. WOW! We think we have found nirvana. Just as a dog I am beginning to train gets a treat every time he “sits,” then only sometimes when he “sits,” the psychopath only gives us the “loving” some of the time. Also, just as I eventually no longer give the dog a food treat any time he “sits,” and the most he will get is a “good dog” verbal compliment, or a scolding if he doesn’t sit fast enough, the psychopath quits giving us treats and gives us “scoldings.”
We have been conditioned by the psychopath to be and do what they want, because we still desire that initial “love bombing,” and we dread the “scolding” they will give us if we don’t “jump” when they say “frog.” We keep on hoping against hope that we will be able to please them again. We do whatever we can to keep the scoldings to a minimum and get them to reward us with “love” again.
Running for bread
It doesn’t make any kind of difference if the animal we are training is a dog, a parrot, a donkey, an steer, a horse ”¦ the conditioning works the same. Intermittent rewards cause the desired behavior to continue. If we give continual rewards every time they perform the behavior, it wouldn’t take long for the behavior to be extinguished when we stopped rewarding it.
My mammoth jack donkeys, Fat Ass and Hairy Ass, haven’t had a piece of bread (their preferred treat) in a year or more. But any time I go to the hangar and open the freezer, they come running up to the fence on the never dying hope that I will get bread out of the freezer and give them a piece. They are totally “conditioned” to that treat, and they know that the opening and closing of the freezer is what always preceded them getting a slice of bread.
The psychopath we have had relationships with know what “rings our chimes,” what makes us happy and what makes us sad, or what makes us angry. It is like a panel of buttons on the front of our chest. They know just the exact words to say, or the thing to do, that will press our “buttons” and get the reaction they want from us.
No Contact is the answer
No Contact keeps those buttons covered. That is why it works.
Psychopaths know that in the past, if they pressed “button A,” you would do B. So they will keep on trying because IT ALWAYS WORKED IN THE PAST. They just know if they keep doing it, it will EVENTUALLY work again. So they will press it harder and faster and longer. Just like some old lady sitting at a slot machine, plugging in quarters, she just “knows” that the very next quarter will get her a reward. Just like my donkeys running up to the fence when I open the freezer, they still hope to get a slice of bread, a reward.
Expect when you go No Contact that the psychopath will up the ante and will work harder and longer to get a reaction. If it takes 30 times for them to eventually get a reaction, THEY LEARN THAT it takes 30 TIMES TO GET A REACTION. If next time it takes 40 times, they learn that they must work a bit harder to get a reaction, so they keep on and on and never stop.
So hang in there. Once you make up your mind to go NO CONTACT, then STAY no contact, because if you give them ANY reward of ANY kind, even a well deserved “cussing,” it is still a reward. It is ATTENTION, and even negative attention is attention. Not being noticed at all is the worst punishment they can have.
If you are required by law to have contact with them, like if you share children, do it only by e-mail, so that you have a record of it. Discuss ONLY the children. Do not respond to any nasty comments they make. Refuse to discuss the other person with your children, and Gray Rock them entirely. NO emotional responses at all. If possible, get someone else to pick up and drop off the kids, so you do not have to see him/her. Or do it in a public place, a police department parking lot if necessary.
We can stop them only by not responding. So when your ex is trying to push your buttons, just think about Joyce’s donkeys Fat Ass and Hairy Ass running up to the fence for a slice of bread. Visualize your psychopath with long ears, standing there trying to get a reaction from you, and then DON’T GIVE IT. Take control and refuse to allow the psychopath to make you respond to his/her button pushing!
God bless.
sparky-
Going through this is a challenge for ALL of us.
I am not an expert but have recently experienced the first full-fledged encounter with a disordered person. I have had other relationships, including a marriage that did not feel right and had many problems – and that ended in divorce. But, I recognized the bad relationships for what they were and was able to extricate myself or, come to an understanding and an amicable ‘break’ before things got too bad. Some of my ex-gf’s are among the people that I value, respect and ‘love’ most even now.
My last ‘relationship’ spanned about 20 months. I was hooked. What I am learning is that relationships with sociopaths have clear signs and characteristics – right down to the script and choreography – which many on this blog can share with you. I am not totally innocent though – in the sense that I have faults but also a background, personality and blind spots that made me vulnerable and that the ex-gf recognized and, took advantage of.
At this point I am finding comfort and consolation
in the idea that we are human beings, each with feelings and a heart. The sociopathic ex’s do not have a heart or the ability to ‘feel’ the way we do.
The initial break is like an explosion at a distance – with a startling flash. Then comes the ‘BOOM’ and the shock wave. Or, imagine a big earthquake under the sea – that results in a tsunami. That is what it feels like to me each time ‘dawn breaks on (my) Marblehead.’ Each time I remember and recognize and ACCEPT the incidents of ABUSE that the ex-gf perpetrated it knocks me down. I remember how I let them slide or ignored or rationalized my way through them. I also committed offenses against my ex-gf – but I wonder why these things never got fully resolved – motsly I wonder why SHE never seemed to be able or willing to resolve them – or accept her role in causing bad things to happen. Anyway – getting ‘knocked over,’ well, It’s like the shockwave from a blast or ocean wave that sweeps over me – sometimes stunning me leaving me immobilized. It can happen at any time of the day or night. It has even caused me to wake up at night. Other events in my life have had similar effects – whenever trust has been violated. But an encounter with a sociopath is different.
And through it all that place in my heart for the ex-gf is still there. I pray for her and I have the most incredible romantic memories and images of her in my heart and mind. The kinds of memories that make me think – ‘Oh, if she could only do ‘X’ or say ‘Y’, then everything would work out.’ Those are the kinds of thoughts that make one feel that they are vulnerable to be hooked again. But, for me is only confirmation that I have the ability to love and empathize with another human being. They are the images and emotions that mostly I created – not her. So, in a way, it becomes a positive. But, it is also something that I must find better usage for – rather than waste it on someone that cannot and does not appreciate it from me. Because you see – THEY DO NOT AND NEVER WILL appreciate it from anybody.
Brace for the shock waves – but KNOW that they will wash over you and pass by. If you do not have anyone to hug, hug yourself. There is someone out there that does or will appreciate you and your hugs and affection.
I believe that Truthspeak is correct in advocating physical activity. During periods of sadness and depression there is a chemical imbalance in our brains. Kinda makes you wonder what came first – but never mind that now. The ones that make us sad are in abundance, and the ones that make us happy are lacking. Excercise, physical activity increases the ‘good ones,’ and as if by magic, we feel better!
Love, ….
Just read another article about Pistorius and Reeva.There was a picture of the “happy couple”.My first impression when looking at it,was that while Reeva was genuinely smiling,Pistorius looked like he was snarling!In other words,he couldn’t even put on a smile for the picture!His coach described Reeva as “delightful” and the couple as “happy”….well of course!There was a facade to keep up-especially when it came to promoting Pistorius’ career!It was so sad to read Reeva’s mom and brother’s comments.Her mom just wanted to know “why” her beautiful daughter?Her brother said Reeva was the “strong” member of the family,that keeps everyone together in times of distress-“and now she’s gone”I couldn’t help but think-isn’t it usually the “strong” that suffer in silence?!!!
They found steroids at his house and are testing for them in the blood they drew. Apparently the CCTV cameras show her arriving about 6 p.m. Also it was said in one article that the first shot was in the bedroom, and the last 3 through the bathroom door. Everything he has said is a LIE and several people have come forward and said how much of a temper he had, so add steroids and now you have roid rage and murder.
I’ve read a little bit about Pistorius, the guns that he kept in his house. He seemed a bit paranoid to me, like he could “go off” over nothing, not seeming to think in a rational way. I read an article where he tweeted about entering his house and hearing the washing machine on and he immediately thought there was an intruder in his house, being ready to get the ammo out. Paranoid, in my mind.
He sounds also very narcissistic as well…also a great sense of entitlement and there are stories about his temper and threats etc. I hope this doesn’t turn into another OJ trial but I think it will but looks like they have more evidence on this guy that is pretty solid.
I’ve read some articles about his charming personality, supposedly an affable, easy-going fellow. However, he had another side to him, a hair-trigger temper.
How did he lose his leg’s? does anybody know?
He was born without all the bones in his lower legs so they were amputated when he was 11 months old.
sparky:
I didn’t think I was going to make it either…seriously, but I am still here. Not even sure if that is good or bad, but I am here. It takes TIME and a lot of time. I did whatever to get through it…cried, sang at the top of my lungs to “break up” songs, listened to REALLY loud music, drank, talked and talked and talked until friends were probably sick of me, exercised a lot, drove way too fast, etc. As you can see, most behaviors were not healthy, but some were and I still do some of these things when the anger or sadness hits again. Just do whatever you feel you need to do to get past it, healthy or not, and eventually, it will be better.
I’m not surprised about the steroids at all.