By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Most of you know I have spent a good portion of my life training animals of various kinds dogs for obedience and to work livestock, horses, donkeys and cattle (oxen).
When we train animals, we “condition” them to do X and they receive Y reward. Ivan Pavlov, a Russian physiologist, conditioned dogs to expect to be fed by ringing a bell every time they got fed. Eventually when a bell was rung, even though there was no food in sight, the animals expected to be fed, and their bodies reacted by making them “slobber” at the mouth, just as they would if food were present.
B.F. Skinner, and American psychologist, observed that animals who had intermittent rewards, rather than continual rewards, would continue a behavior longer than animals who got rewarded every time they did an act. For example, a rat that pushed a lever and got a grain of food every time, would quickly stop pushing it if the food didn’t com. But a rat that sometimes got a food pellet when he pushed the lever would continue to pound on the lever for a very long time, or even never stop pushing it, even though he did not get a food pellet.
In humans, this “intermittent” rewards works in a slot machine, or in gambling games, because every once in a while you get rewarded. Therefore, you keep hoping that next time will be THE TIME.
Psychopaths and intermittent rewards
You may ask what this training technique has to do with psychopaths. Well, just as Las Vegas was built on intermittent rewards for gamblers, relationships with psychopaths are built on the intermittent rewards they give us.
At the first part of the relationship, the psychopath “love bombs” us by giving us the good things we enjoy compliments, doing things for us, great sex. WOW! We think we have found nirvana. Just as a dog I am beginning to train gets a treat every time he “sits,” then only sometimes when he “sits,” the psychopath only gives us the “loving” some of the time. Also, just as I eventually no longer give the dog a food treat any time he “sits,” and the most he will get is a “good dog” verbal compliment, or a scolding if he doesn’t sit fast enough, the psychopath quits giving us treats and gives us “scoldings.”
We have been conditioned by the psychopath to be and do what they want, because we still desire that initial “love bombing,” and we dread the “scolding” they will give us if we don’t “jump” when they say “frog.” We keep on hoping against hope that we will be able to please them again. We do whatever we can to keep the scoldings to a minimum and get them to reward us with “love” again.
Running for bread
It doesn’t make any kind of difference if the animal we are training is a dog, a parrot, a donkey, an steer, a horse ”¦ the conditioning works the same. Intermittent rewards cause the desired behavior to continue. If we give continual rewards every time they perform the behavior, it wouldn’t take long for the behavior to be extinguished when we stopped rewarding it.
My mammoth jack donkeys, Fat Ass and Hairy Ass, haven’t had a piece of bread (their preferred treat) in a year or more. But any time I go to the hangar and open the freezer, they come running up to the fence on the never dying hope that I will get bread out of the freezer and give them a piece. They are totally “conditioned” to that treat, and they know that the opening and closing of the freezer is what always preceded them getting a slice of bread.
The psychopath we have had relationships with know what “rings our chimes,” what makes us happy and what makes us sad, or what makes us angry. It is like a panel of buttons on the front of our chest. They know just the exact words to say, or the thing to do, that will press our “buttons” and get the reaction they want from us.
No Contact is the answer
No Contact keeps those buttons covered. That is why it works.
Psychopaths know that in the past, if they pressed “button A,” you would do B. So they will keep on trying because IT ALWAYS WORKED IN THE PAST. They just know if they keep doing it, it will EVENTUALLY work again. So they will press it harder and faster and longer. Just like some old lady sitting at a slot machine, plugging in quarters, she just “knows” that the very next quarter will get her a reward. Just like my donkeys running up to the fence when I open the freezer, they still hope to get a slice of bread, a reward.
Expect when you go No Contact that the psychopath will up the ante and will work harder and longer to get a reaction. If it takes 30 times for them to eventually get a reaction, THEY LEARN THAT it takes 30 TIMES TO GET A REACTION. If next time it takes 40 times, they learn that they must work a bit harder to get a reaction, so they keep on and on and never stop.
So hang in there. Once you make up your mind to go NO CONTACT, then STAY no contact, because if you give them ANY reward of ANY kind, even a well deserved “cussing,” it is still a reward. It is ATTENTION, and even negative attention is attention. Not being noticed at all is the worst punishment they can have.
If you are required by law to have contact with them, like if you share children, do it only by e-mail, so that you have a record of it. Discuss ONLY the children. Do not respond to any nasty comments they make. Refuse to discuss the other person with your children, and Gray Rock them entirely. NO emotional responses at all. If possible, get someone else to pick up and drop off the kids, so you do not have to see him/her. Or do it in a public place, a police department parking lot if necessary.
We can stop them only by not responding. So when your ex is trying to push your buttons, just think about Joyce’s donkeys Fat Ass and Hairy Ass running up to the fence for a slice of bread. Visualize your psychopath with long ears, standing there trying to get a reaction from you, and then DON’T GIVE IT. Take control and refuse to allow the psychopath to make you respond to his/her button pushing!
God bless.
Glad to make you laugh, Blossom, the asses make me laugh too, that’s why I still have them. I love it in the morning when they bray to the sun. Or come running for the piece of bread they think they might get. They are SOOOO smart, but still I have conditioned them to respond to my button pushing. Just like I was conditioned to respond to the button pushing of the psychopaths…but no more! I’m done!
Flip side of the coin tells the same story. Animals, including humans, who experience random punishment end up with damage that is harder to transcend even than for those who experienced constant punishment instead of random. Taken out of the punishment environment, this animal is somewhat paralyzed by fear in what’s called a learned helplessness.
I think that random punishment conflicts with NC and is not appropriate for a psychopath’s target to be trying to accomplish, but if a past abuser has been a random punisher, the learned helplessness idea should be kept in mind, and may be helpful. When I learned about the related experiments/results (poor kitties :-() in my first Psych class, it made for an epiphany. Why I and my siblings lacked confidence compared to a lot of our peers, my anxiety issues. I suppose it must have something to do with why I would still identify with a rag doll who can’t stand up on her own.
“Tea Light says:
Fixer, can I ask if you are in contact still with the ex?”
1) Not really. But, I think that I may have been slandered in some way.
2) Also, I have not been able to understand why the ex loaned money to me.
I hadn’t been dating her very long – but I was already falling head-over-heels in love. She knew it.
When we started dating I was in the middle of working out a solution to a loan problem. The bank was jerking me around (As a result I am part of a process seeking a Class Action against the bank.). She insisted on giving me a loan even though I said that I could get through the problem without it. I saw it as a sign of commitment, of love on her part. I let it happen. Looking back, it was weird. I sat her down and asked her ‘Why? Why are you doing this?’
I have paid most of it back and make payments like clockwork.
Came the day when I paid off debts. I was so happy!
I called her after everything was straightened out to give her the news. She was very upset. I went to see her to find out why and how she could be upset. She then proceeded to tell me that I then had to sell my house right away to get money to pay her so that she could ‘help her Dad.’ According to her, I could then move and rent somewhere else.
This was not necessary as I was confident and committed to the fact that she would be repaid. Of course – we were about to build a future together – so every asset that I had would be part hers, anyway.
But she insisted that I put my house ‘on the market’ ASAP.
Things got weirder. A couple of weeks later a guy shows up at my door and says he wants to buy my house. It’s someone that I never heard of or saw. He makes a ridiculous ‘low ball’ offer.
I get his telephone number and track him down. He lives in the same town as the gf, about a quarter of a mile from her.
All of that with the ‘withholding,’ the ‘projection,’ the many things that ‘didn’t add up,’ the ‘dry tears,’ from her and the resulting Cognitive Dissonance exacerbated the strains that I was already feeling from work and life.
No wonder I feel like I am fading.
Fixer,
The REASON she gave you the unaskedfor loan was to CONTROL you by having you OBLIGATED TO HER.
When we ACCEPT favors from people we naturally feel some OBLIGATION to that person, and psychopaths and OTHER CONS use this NATURAL FEELING of obligation to get people under their control.
She was trying to get your house sold “low ball” and then SHE would have your house for a song and you would be renting somewhere. LOL
Sounds to me like the entire “relation-SHIT” was a CON from the first time she offered you the money. Maybe from the get-go.
Don’t fade, Fixer, get MAD! (((HUGS))))
Well, Ox Drover, it kind of fits with her pattern. She used to say that she wanted to ‘sue’ the dating agencies that she used because of the ‘weirdos’ that she met through them. She has also been involved in other personal litigation in the past.
She is motivated/lives by the credo: ‘Make as much money as you can.’
My reaction had been: ‘Please, please show me, tell me, prove to me that none of this is true. Don’t leave me! Tell me, show me that I am wrong! Tell me that you really love me!’ I wanted to know that I was different – that I could really mean something to someone so beautiful – her.
Inner child voices? It’s soooo painful and I will probably never have closure.
Fixerupper, I’m going to tell you a true story and I apologize, in advance, if it gets drawn out.
There is a gal that once served time in the State Women’s Pen for committing over 2 dozen counts of “Theft By Deception.” The exspath met her after she had been paroled where she was working in a local tavern. They became acquainted and I was later introduced to her as a “really nice” gal – someone with whom I might develop a friendship as per the exspath’s observation.
While working at that tavern, she met a fellow who had quit college that he had attended on a full sports scholarship because he held a State record for his choice in sports. This fellow had made numerous stupid choices and ended up being arrested for drugs and DUI’s and lost out on college, as a result. He had gotten into culinary arts and was just working at this tavern as a start to his recovery.
So, this gal had been living in a halfway house after her parole and was accepted into her new stepfather’s home at the request of the mother. The gal eyeballs this guy as a prime target. He’s younger than she is, he’s got physical damage in the form of a birth defect, and she is substantially taller than he is. Immediately, this pair begins dating. She moves this guy into her stepfather’s home and begins calling her stepfather, “Daddy.”
Then, this gal begins feeding this disappointed, disfigured, and depressed young man every compliment and manner of flattery imaginable. She PROVIDES for him things that he felt that he needed. He needed to feel valued, so he’s now the workhorse for this household – only this fellow can go out and attend to all of the physical labor required to keep the property maintained. This guy needs reassurance and only this gal can provide reasurance that he is “loved” and accepted. And, the whole gambit of co-dependency is thrown down this guy’s throat. They end up getting married and ALL of the false assurances, validation, acceptance, and approval ends, unceremoniously.
Now, this guy is short. He is stupid. He is a failure. He doesn’t do enough to bring in money in spite of his efforts. At one point, she moves from the emotional and verbal abuse into full-blown physical abuse. She’s a lot bigger than her husband and starts “putting him in his place.” So, she beats the shit out of him and then accuses him of abusing HER – this was the last time that I ever spoke to this person, and it was clear what she had done to this poor man.
Because this man was taught to “respect” a woman and never lay a hand on one, in anger, he has been beaten down emotionally, physically, finanicially, spiritually, and sexually. And, it all began with finances – she made him FEEL grateful for “helping” him and, as a result of this false feeling of gratitude, he felt “obligated” to remain faithful, loyal, etc……because she pulled him out of the gutter and her perceptions are the ONLY acceptable version of any facet of that doomed and horrid relationshit.
So, the point of this whole long-assed story is: beware of one hand extended in aid. ALWAYS see what’s contained in the OTHER hand. Is it a flower? Or, is it a noose?
Brightest and most encouraging blessings
OxD, SPOT-ON!!! No “fading” allowed! Fixerupper, you’re just in one of those post-spath funks for the moment. You’ve come a long, long, LONG way into recovery, and feeling that grief is going to go back and forth for a long, long while, yet. Gosh, don’t I know THAT from my own experience!
You’re going to be fine, Fixerupper. Just fine.
Fixer! What are you telling us with that “not really”? That means you are in contact, doesn’t it? Fixer this new info you have shared paints a portrait of a con artist. What was her relationship with this man who turned up on your door? He sounds like an accomplice. Or a stooge. Fixer, you need to let go of the illusion, this woman is not a good person and may be in fact a career criminal , scamming men for financial gain. Like Oxy says get angry, don’t feed your regrets over a relationship that only existed for you as a romantic connection. Let it go and get mad. Hang in there. x
Fixer, how much do you owe this woman still? If at all possible, pay it off IN FULL immediately. If that is not possible, just mail her a check monthly and do NOT have any contact with her at all. Don’t read her e mails, don’t let anyone in your house that she sends.
If this is an “unsecured” loan (in other words you didn’t sign a note with your home as collateral) then she has little recourse legally as long as you are making payments of some amount.
Don’t let your feelings of being “obligated” to her make you have any conversations with her, not even by e mail. ANY contact that way is ONLY going to keep you in the “spin cycle”
Wow! This article is truth to a “T”!! I know it, I lived it, I was it, the good puppy waiting for its reward! Fewer and further between(unknowingly other women but I too was the OW). I was conditioned without a doubt. As you know, Ox, the “P” I was in a relationship with was a dog trainer of working dogs. (Happens to be the one real profession that he did do) (I beleive he is highly involved in dog fighting). He would always refer to training his women like how he trains his dogs. He made a science project out of it. In one heart aching moment when I googled his youtube name, I came across a comment where he posted a response of how he “gets into the mind of the dog” He said he thinks how they would think. This only confirmed his sickness to me. My mind and everything else had been violated. I still do not understand how someone does this to such a degree of perfection. I dont even understand how to do it at any degree! Your article is so accurate. I am so thankful I am free from that excrutiating pain.