By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Most of you know I have spent a good portion of my life training animals of various kinds dogs for obedience and to work livestock, horses, donkeys and cattle (oxen).
When we train animals, we “condition” them to do X and they receive Y reward. Ivan Pavlov, a Russian physiologist, conditioned dogs to expect to be fed by ringing a bell every time they got fed. Eventually when a bell was rung, even though there was no food in sight, the animals expected to be fed, and their bodies reacted by making them “slobber” at the mouth, just as they would if food were present.
B.F. Skinner, and American psychologist, observed that animals who had intermittent rewards, rather than continual rewards, would continue a behavior longer than animals who got rewarded every time they did an act. For example, a rat that pushed a lever and got a grain of food every time, would quickly stop pushing it if the food didn’t com. But a rat that sometimes got a food pellet when he pushed the lever would continue to pound on the lever for a very long time, or even never stop pushing it, even though he did not get a food pellet.
In humans, this “intermittent” rewards works in a slot machine, or in gambling games, because every once in a while you get rewarded. Therefore, you keep hoping that next time will be THE TIME.
Psychopaths and intermittent rewards
You may ask what this training technique has to do with psychopaths. Well, just as Las Vegas was built on intermittent rewards for gamblers, relationships with psychopaths are built on the intermittent rewards they give us.
At the first part of the relationship, the psychopath “love bombs” us by giving us the good things we enjoy compliments, doing things for us, great sex. WOW! We think we have found nirvana. Just as a dog I am beginning to train gets a treat every time he “sits,” then only sometimes when he “sits,” the psychopath only gives us the “loving” some of the time. Also, just as I eventually no longer give the dog a food treat any time he “sits,” and the most he will get is a “good dog” verbal compliment, or a scolding if he doesn’t sit fast enough, the psychopath quits giving us treats and gives us “scoldings.”
We have been conditioned by the psychopath to be and do what they want, because we still desire that initial “love bombing,” and we dread the “scolding” they will give us if we don’t “jump” when they say “frog.” We keep on hoping against hope that we will be able to please them again. We do whatever we can to keep the scoldings to a minimum and get them to reward us with “love” again.
Running for bread
It doesn’t make any kind of difference if the animal we are training is a dog, a parrot, a donkey, an steer, a horse ”¦ the conditioning works the same. Intermittent rewards cause the desired behavior to continue. If we give continual rewards every time they perform the behavior, it wouldn’t take long for the behavior to be extinguished when we stopped rewarding it.
My mammoth jack donkeys, Fat Ass and Hairy Ass, haven’t had a piece of bread (their preferred treat) in a year or more. But any time I go to the hangar and open the freezer, they come running up to the fence on the never dying hope that I will get bread out of the freezer and give them a piece. They are totally “conditioned” to that treat, and they know that the opening and closing of the freezer is what always preceded them getting a slice of bread.
The psychopath we have had relationships with know what “rings our chimes,” what makes us happy and what makes us sad, or what makes us angry. It is like a panel of buttons on the front of our chest. They know just the exact words to say, or the thing to do, that will press our “buttons” and get the reaction they want from us.
No Contact is the answer
No Contact keeps those buttons covered. That is why it works.
Psychopaths know that in the past, if they pressed “button A,” you would do B. So they will keep on trying because IT ALWAYS WORKED IN THE PAST. They just know if they keep doing it, it will EVENTUALLY work again. So they will press it harder and faster and longer. Just like some old lady sitting at a slot machine, plugging in quarters, she just “knows” that the very next quarter will get her a reward. Just like my donkeys running up to the fence when I open the freezer, they still hope to get a slice of bread, a reward.
Expect when you go No Contact that the psychopath will up the ante and will work harder and longer to get a reaction. If it takes 30 times for them to eventually get a reaction, THEY LEARN THAT it takes 30 TIMES TO GET A REACTION. If next time it takes 40 times, they learn that they must work a bit harder to get a reaction, so they keep on and on and never stop.
So hang in there. Once you make up your mind to go NO CONTACT, then STAY no contact, because if you give them ANY reward of ANY kind, even a well deserved “cussing,” it is still a reward. It is ATTENTION, and even negative attention is attention. Not being noticed at all is the worst punishment they can have.
If you are required by law to have contact with them, like if you share children, do it only by e-mail, so that you have a record of it. Discuss ONLY the children. Do not respond to any nasty comments they make. Refuse to discuss the other person with your children, and Gray Rock them entirely. NO emotional responses at all. If possible, get someone else to pick up and drop off the kids, so you do not have to see him/her. Or do it in a public place, a police department parking lot if necessary.
We can stop them only by not responding. So when your ex is trying to push your buttons, just think about Joyce’s donkeys Fat Ass and Hairy Ass running up to the fence for a slice of bread. Visualize your psychopath with long ears, standing there trying to get a reaction from you, and then DON’T GIVE IT. Take control and refuse to allow the psychopath to make you respond to his/her button pushing!
God bless.
Dear Alivetoday,
In training dogs and other animals we DO have to “get into the mind of the dog” in order to train them and in order to remain “alpha” to the dog (or other animal) Not only to get them to do what we want and need them to do (working dogs and draft animals have a purpose for us) but we need to remain safe as well.
In the “mind” of an oxen, touching a “superior” animal with even the barest brush of a horn is a big NO NO…and it is NEVER by accident, it is a test of position in the herd and must never be ignored by a drover. But, if you did not know the MIND of the cattle you might miss this very important item.
Unfortunately, humans are more trainable than animals, we are able to be conditioned by a series of rewards and punishments applied in such a way that we become “trained” without us even knowing we are being trained. None of my dogs or other animals are aware that they are “trained” it is “just the way things are” They accept what IS.
WE however, CAN escape if we finally see the “light”–but the trauma bond can be very very strong. Look at Patty Hearst and many others who have been totally trauma bonded by conditioning. So sometimes getting free sure ain’t easy.
Great article, thank you very much.
LOVE the picture!!
Oxy,
Why o why have you not given bread to your ass’es? You have not given them bread in over a year?
poor babies, they want some bread…
do we need to send bread to your ass’es
Alivetoday, I used to work with various animals and I did extensive study on “pack theory” to better understand canine behavior for training purposes. “Getting into the mind” of anything that we’re working with doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s a nefarious endeavor.
Having typed that, when spaths “get into the mind” of whatever they’re targeting, it is NOT an exercise the includes empathy or true understanding of a love-bond that is formed between (for instance) a horse and rider. I don’t know of many riders that were unable to form a strong bond of love and communication with their mounts, whether they were the owners, trainers, riders, or handlers. Spaths, on the other hand, are incapable of forming a love-bond with anything and their exercise of “getting into the minds” of whatever they’re focusing on is strictly for their own purposes of mastery and control WITHOUT a bond of love to work with.
There’s a gulf of difference in the motivations. When a strong handler works their border collie in the field, the handler recognizes and appreciates their dog’s dedication and ability and rewards that dog with lots of love and affection. When a spath works their dog in the field, the “love and affection” is cursory and superficial – I’ve seen this with a guy that did K-9 training. He could mouth the words and go through the physical motions of praise, but it was ALWAYS tainted with an attitude of “You’d BETTER obey, or else!”
Brightest blessings
Moon, the bread thing just cracks me up……I never gave an ass any bread, EVER. Well, that’s not necessarily true – I used to make sammiches for Sick Ass, but he’ll either have to make his own sammiches or get his mommy to do it for him.
(snort, guffaw, hack, wheeze)
Moon Dancer you are so cute. You make me lol. x
Positive note to the Pavlov effect is it’s “a learned behavior” not innate.
One of the things that can get in the way of getting over the spath relationship is the “defense mechanisms” we built to deal with the hurt and pain. The intent of these “defense mechanisms” is to insulate us from not feeling the hurt from bad experiences and also so we will not be hurt again in the future. All reasonable reactions to what has happened.
But these “defense mechanisms” can be a big reason “why” we can not move forward. They trapped us. And tend to do the opposite to what we wanted. Building “defense mechanisms” in a lot of ways is like digging the hole we find ourselves in deeper. At the time we were just reacting and doing what we thought was the only thing we could do. Not a blame thing. A “limiting belief” thing. Where we saw no other choice. Doesn’t mean there where not other choices only that to us, at the time, we did the best we could with what we had.
If one is working to unravel the spath effect one of the big layers is the “defense mechanisms.” One may find that it was these “defense mechanisms” that got them caught up in the spath crap in the first place.
All this training just proves that we can learn.
Driven by Beliefs
Pulled by Meaning
spoon
Good points Spoon! Hey, where ya been? Good to hear from you!
Hi, Oxy
Very busy this last month. Death of an old friend and such. He had a long life. Will be missed. Not much time for anything else.
Hope all is well with you and everybody else.
Forgot this in last post.
We tend to do things back-ass-wards until we learn better. Just normal behavior for us mere mortals.
spoon
GREAT post Spoon. A perspective about learned behaviors.
It’s been one of my dilemmas, trying to identify the learned responses from my spath and UNDO them.
One of my worst ones is “NO MISTAKES ALLOWED”. So if I write or use ONE WORD wrong, then it was used to nullify my complaint/perspective. I censor and censor myself, trying to imagine what might derived and then correct my words so that I will not be dismissed. The anxiety became SO oppressive that I did NOTHING. I have a LF member glom onto that particular defense mechanism and used to to pronounce me as spath. Her judgment has been devastating to me, emotionally SO painful b/c it’s the SAME punishment done to me by my spath and his family, deciding my flaw is wrong and they entitled to abuse me.
Spaths do control by using the Pavlov effect. While I am UNLEARNING the controls that were done to me, the shame of behaviors that I engage in to avoid abuse is still being used by a couple of LF members to condemn me.
I reveal this b/c I want other readers and posters on LF to know, just b/c someone claims authority, doesn’t mean they are correct. Look instead to rational reasoning.
That spaths are wordsmiths MIGHT be true….
that ONLY SPATHS are wordsmiths is NOT TRUE.
(ps Sending Condolences for the loss of your friend. There are some people we wish would hang around for ALL our years b/c they are such special people.)