By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Most of you know I have spent a good portion of my life training animals of various kinds dogs for obedience and to work livestock, horses, donkeys and cattle (oxen).
When we train animals, we “condition” them to do X and they receive Y reward. Ivan Pavlov, a Russian physiologist, conditioned dogs to expect to be fed by ringing a bell every time they got fed. Eventually when a bell was rung, even though there was no food in sight, the animals expected to be fed, and their bodies reacted by making them “slobber” at the mouth, just as they would if food were present.
B.F. Skinner, and American psychologist, observed that animals who had intermittent rewards, rather than continual rewards, would continue a behavior longer than animals who got rewarded every time they did an act. For example, a rat that pushed a lever and got a grain of food every time, would quickly stop pushing it if the food didn’t com. But a rat that sometimes got a food pellet when he pushed the lever would continue to pound on the lever for a very long time, or even never stop pushing it, even though he did not get a food pellet.
In humans, this “intermittent” rewards works in a slot machine, or in gambling games, because every once in a while you get rewarded. Therefore, you keep hoping that next time will be THE TIME.
Psychopaths and intermittent rewards
You may ask what this training technique has to do with psychopaths. Well, just as Las Vegas was built on intermittent rewards for gamblers, relationships with psychopaths are built on the intermittent rewards they give us.
At the first part of the relationship, the psychopath “love bombs” us by giving us the good things we enjoy compliments, doing things for us, great sex. WOW! We think we have found nirvana. Just as a dog I am beginning to train gets a treat every time he “sits,” then only sometimes when he “sits,” the psychopath only gives us the “loving” some of the time. Also, just as I eventually no longer give the dog a food treat any time he “sits,” and the most he will get is a “good dog” verbal compliment, or a scolding if he doesn’t sit fast enough, the psychopath quits giving us treats and gives us “scoldings.”
We have been conditioned by the psychopath to be and do what they want, because we still desire that initial “love bombing,” and we dread the “scolding” they will give us if we don’t “jump” when they say “frog.” We keep on hoping against hope that we will be able to please them again. We do whatever we can to keep the scoldings to a minimum and get them to reward us with “love” again.
Running for bread
It doesn’t make any kind of difference if the animal we are training is a dog, a parrot, a donkey, an steer, a horse ”¦ the conditioning works the same. Intermittent rewards cause the desired behavior to continue. If we give continual rewards every time they perform the behavior, it wouldn’t take long for the behavior to be extinguished when we stopped rewarding it.
My mammoth jack donkeys, Fat Ass and Hairy Ass, haven’t had a piece of bread (their preferred treat) in a year or more. But any time I go to the hangar and open the freezer, they come running up to the fence on the never dying hope that I will get bread out of the freezer and give them a piece. They are totally “conditioned” to that treat, and they know that the opening and closing of the freezer is what always preceded them getting a slice of bread.
The psychopath we have had relationships with know what “rings our chimes,” what makes us happy and what makes us sad, or what makes us angry. It is like a panel of buttons on the front of our chest. They know just the exact words to say, or the thing to do, that will press our “buttons” and get the reaction they want from us.
No Contact is the answer
No Contact keeps those buttons covered. That is why it works.
Psychopaths know that in the past, if they pressed “button A,” you would do B. So they will keep on trying because IT ALWAYS WORKED IN THE PAST. They just know if they keep doing it, it will EVENTUALLY work again. So they will press it harder and faster and longer. Just like some old lady sitting at a slot machine, plugging in quarters, she just “knows” that the very next quarter will get her a reward. Just like my donkeys running up to the fence when I open the freezer, they still hope to get a slice of bread, a reward.
Expect when you go No Contact that the psychopath will up the ante and will work harder and longer to get a reaction. If it takes 30 times for them to eventually get a reaction, THEY LEARN THAT it takes 30 TIMES TO GET A REACTION. If next time it takes 40 times, they learn that they must work a bit harder to get a reaction, so they keep on and on and never stop.
So hang in there. Once you make up your mind to go NO CONTACT, then STAY no contact, because if you give them ANY reward of ANY kind, even a well deserved “cussing,” it is still a reward. It is ATTENTION, and even negative attention is attention. Not being noticed at all is the worst punishment they can have.
If you are required by law to have contact with them, like if you share children, do it only by e-mail, so that you have a record of it. Discuss ONLY the children. Do not respond to any nasty comments they make. Refuse to discuss the other person with your children, and Gray Rock them entirely. NO emotional responses at all. If possible, get someone else to pick up and drop off the kids, so you do not have to see him/her. Or do it in a public place, a police department parking lot if necessary.
We can stop them only by not responding. So when your ex is trying to push your buttons, just think about Joyce’s donkeys Fat Ass and Hairy Ass running up to the fence for a slice of bread. Visualize your psychopath with long ears, standing there trying to get a reaction from you, and then DON’T GIVE IT. Take control and refuse to allow the psychopath to make you respond to his/her button pushing!
God bless.
Joyce: Thank You! You are part of the reason I am doing better with this situation! My family can still cause a lot of aggravation & turmoil for me, but I am trying to focus on what is important. Your advice has always been to maintain contact with my niece. I am realizing I should not let my anger get the best of me, the little girl is programmed to act that way at times, SIL wants me to be provoked,angry, & stay away. Thanks for educating me!!!
Skylar: Thanks for your help, knowledge is power and you have empowered me with knowledge and validation.
The points 1-6 about NLP should be in quotes, because I just copied it word for word from a website. I really do not know much more about this than you. I was always curious how my niece would love playing hide and go seek one week, laugh and giggle, and just a week later she hated that game, it was too boring. One week she would love the chocolates I gave her, the following week she hates those chocolates! Lot of her spirit, her true emotions, her excitement, curiosity about things, her responses, I noticed to be severely blunted, different, altered. There was a drastic change that I could not believe it was just coming from my niece, my instincts told me that it was not her authentic self. I sought help & knowledge to understand, I found it here, on this site. I found answers in a lot of your posts. Thank You!!!
Darwinsmom: Thanks for that example about Cog/Dis. I understand it better now… I do not want to create false beliefs in order to hold on to the initial belief (which is flawed as well). Sometimes facing reality is painful, but a lot better than fooling oneself. I will strive to get at the truth, seek clarity…It is one of our defenses against “them.”
KatyDid: Thanks for your advice & suggestions. I am not emotionally strong, my family can still cause me a lot of aggravation; thanks to this site and the kind people here, I am less weak, if that makes sense. I was getting angry with my niece, because of her behavior…I seriously considered staying away. I realized psychopaths can take over someone’s mind, this helped me understand my niece’s behavior. I feel more compassion for her, when she acts like a programmed robot at times.
Blossom4th-I found this article by Dr. Leedom very helpful. It is from Aug 2007. “Coercive persuasion, mind control and brain washing.” She explains the BITE model by Steve Hassan in a way that I could understand, simplistic. They (spaths) BITE and we can BITE back!
Caringaunt, I disagree that you aren’t “emotionally strong,” and it would do you tremendous service to reverse this belief. If you weren’t “emotionally strong,” you would have rolled over, LONG ago, and given in to the spath games and blames. You’ve taken some strong steps to protect yourself, and that not only requires “emotional strength,” but TREMENDOUS courage.
You’re doing great, Caringaunt! Keep posting – I don’t “see” enough of you on this site!
Brightest blessings
Caringaunt, I agree with Truthy, I see TREMENDOUS growth in your strength, knowledge, and understanding since you came here.
Many (most?) of us sound “crazy” when we come here because we are in the grips of confusion, panic, pain and grief from the trauma and fear we experienced as a result of the psychopath. When you came here you were very excited and upset and panicking over your niece, but now that you have learned (remember; KNOWLEDGE IS POWER) about psychopaths you have more power, and what is power but STRENGTH! So give yourself a big TOWANDA for how far you have come.
Of course you have not “fixed” the situation, but you have realized what s iin your power and what is not, and you are learning to cope with the situation in the best manner possible, for both yourself and for the child. Realizing we can love, but still only do what is in our control is a giant step. God bless.
Hello Ox!
I just read your comment responding to mine and thank you for same.
When reading these truths of the experience with a “P” the sick feeling usually arises instantly. I cant explain the feeling but pretty much the feeling of chaos, excitement, fear, insanity in all emotions. The conditioned response of pretty much believing that i was powerless to help myself believing that he was my lifeline. I guess when I say that I am “free” of it means that I am not in the midst of feelings owning me in the present moment. However, you are right, to be “free” of this is not an easy thing to do even once removed from it. NC is the way to regain some power over of a choice.(When i did NC, I was amazed that it was possible and I had no idea where this power had come from. Oh yes, I remember, I was discarded and in that suicidal time, I reached out for all kinds of help) The sick feelings resurface from words written in black and white. I think in a way it is good because it is a red flag to never break NC and always a good reality check. ,,I beleive that choice to give him my email address will haunt me for the rest of my life. My mother recently passed away. (jan 2013) I have since found out that I was disinherited from her Will that same week she heard him abusing me in his Narcissitic rage over the telephone…His voice could be heard through the phone… ..I put the phone down as quickly as I could but was too scared to hang up on him. I would always freeze when he was yelling at me, which was quite often. I did not understand why I became immobile as if I was a child being scolded (raged at) by my mother…..My mother would not let me explain my position of doing all I could to avoid him. (I eventually changed my number, blocked everything I could but it was a process in overcoming the fear of blackmail with his joyful “revenges” that had previously happened) (she did know that he exisited in my life and that my husband was struggling with his own mental sexual battles that prevented us from physical or sexual intimacy for 95% of our marriage) I was never allowed to be heard….instead she used this as her own source for selfpity and an excuse to drink. (In reading this, I guess I used selfpity as an excuse too) It seems like the ripple effect of the “P” is still rippling and although I do not live in that daily pain, truly I am not free.. I wish I had never been exposed to such corruption, such evil. I know I made a mistake in a vulnerable time but no one deserves the punishment of a “P”.
Alivetoday, I often woner if I will ever be TRULY “free” of the exspath – the experiences are across the board from emotional, to physical, to sexual, to financial, to spiritual. I’m learning to be very, very patient with recovery. With so many parts of my life that were damaged, it’s not going to be an “over-and-done” matter. It’ll be a lifelong recovery, I think.
And, no – NOBODY “deserves” spath punishment, regardless of whether we made errors, or not. SO, forgive yourself – SELF, that is. We all make mistakes – some are grave, and some are really quite minor, and it’s okay.
Brightest blessings
Alive today, it sounds as if your mother’s rages set you up to be raged at and “freeze” when the psychopath attacked. The “freezing” like a deer in the headlights is a normal response to fear.
I know that losing your mother, even if she was not a “good” mother to you brings up a lot of pain. Even though my egg donor is still “alive” she is, I realize now, undeserving of the “name mother” and so in truth, I lost my “mother” as well when I realized I never really had one as I had thought, but simply a DNA donor. Even though I had been NC for 40+ years with my P sperm donor when he died (I was also disinherited but that didn’t surprise me) I still had to deal with the death, even at a distance (I didn’t attend the funeral etc) so there is a lot of work to be done to peel back the layers of the dysfunctional “onion” and each new layer exposes another one underneath. So keep on reading, learning and growing. (((Hugs))) and God bless.