By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
I was reading an article the other day that talked about “justice” for victims. It said that a rape victim is “made whole” after his or her attack when the perp is put in prison. How can a victim of violent rape be “made whole,” no matter what justice is meted out to their attacker? It can’t be done.
There are some things that can never be “fixed” like they were before the damage, and I believe the “soul rape” by the psychopaths is one of those things. Some of you who have been physically raped may ask, “What do you know about rape?” Well, my bona fides are that my psychopathic sperm donor beat and raped me when I was 19, so I have been both physically raped and soul raped, and I can’t tell that one is any less “painful” or damaging than the other. Humpty Dumpty can’t be put back together again like he was before the rape. I will never again be a “virgin.” That doesn’t mean, though, that I can’t heal.
Shame
At the time of my physical rape I had no concept of what a “psychopath” was, but I longed for validation for my pain. Yet I felt shame that it happened to me, and a friend took me to the police in the little town where my sperm donor lived in and the event happened, where I was beaten to hell and back. I talked to the cop about the beating and he suspected what really happened and asked me point blank if he had raped me. I said, “no” because I was ashamed.
I held that shame for a long time. Through other encounters with psychopaths that raped my soul, through the summer of chaos almost 40 years after that summer I was physically beaten and raped. My sperm donor died that summer of chaos and his estate contacted me to tell me I was not going to get any inheritance from his large estate. Surprise! Though I had been NC with him for 40 years, still I was stressed by thinking about that painful summer many years before.
Beginning of healing
In that summer of chaos, 2007, my whole world fell apart and I was sitting in an RV trailer at a friend’s property at a lake in hiding from the stalker my son Patrick had sent to kill me. Reading on the Internet about psychopaths, I came across Lovefraud and my healing began ”¦ from that long ago psychical and emotional rape by an evil man, to the emotional rape my son Patrick had done to me, as well as the final realization that my “mother didn’t love me.”
The healing that I have done in the five years since that summer of 2007 has been sort of like peeling the thin layers of an onion. As I peel each one off I get closer and closer to the core. As I get deeper and deeper inside the onion, I find new layers of dysfunction and wounds that are decades old and work on healing them.
Psychopaths are all about control and what they will do (anything!) to maintain or reestablish control over their chosen victim. The “smear campaign” has been something that has frequently been mentioned by other victims. My sperm donor smeared me to every family member he and I had. Fortunately his cousins, who are now in their 80s and 90s and wonderful and supportive people, didn’t believe a word he said. First, they knew him. Second, they knew me. My half sibs, though, were children when all this happened and I do not have relationships because of his smear campaign. The men we worked with in Africa also knew him, and knew me, and none of them believed a word he said. I was fortunate there and one of those men, 20 years after the rape, became my husband. His belief in me, and support of me, was so important in my healing from the physical and emotional rape of those many years ago.
Validation
My egg donor (maternal DNA donor) had always said about my P sperm donor, “He would tell a lie when the truth would fit better.” Yet, when I told her about the rape, she said with a sneer in her voice, “Well, he said you got an abortion and that you’d yell rape.” I’m not sure why exactly it was so important to me that she believed me, but it was. I kept wanting to believe she loved me.
Reaching out for validation is important to us all. Now I am learning to validate myself. Just because someone else doesn’t believe me doesn’t mean my truth is not true. Or that my fact is not fact. I’ve said before, that just because “everyone in the world” except Columbus thought the world was flat, didn’t change the shape of the world. Facts are facts. Truth is truth. My validation of my truth, the facts I know to be true, is enough now. I don’t have to have someone else validate what I know to be true. Sure, it is nice to come here to Lovefraud and be validated, but it isn’t necessary for my healing if I accept my own validation.
The pain that we suffer—physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and financially—is equivalent to the rape of our souls. We can’t ever put ourselves back together like we were before the rape; we will never again be “virgins.” Yet we can heal, we can recover, we can grow and mature and find peace. Even if the perp goes free without any visible consequences, we don’t have to let that ruin the rest of our lives, however short or long they may be.
We can learn and grow, heal and prosper. Living a good life is the best revenge.
Joyce, every time your writings are posted, I see more and more of how everything ties in with everything else – if you follow me.
Soul-rape. It should be a Legal term with harsh consequences. Having endured gang-rape, spousal rape, and date-rape, soul-rape is probably the most heinous act of all because there is not one remedy to either “make whole” the victim, or to even validate their experiences except by other survivors that “get it.”
Thank you so much for your truth, honesty, and insight, Joyce. You are 100% validated, and your words help to validate others.
Brightest, most loving blessings
Joyce,
I liked this article. Especially the parts about validating ourselves, with or without others believing us. This is where I am currently experiencing difficulty. I have these imaginary arguments in my head with people influenced by the sociopathic smear campaign in which I try to convince them that he is a liar and manipulator. When I catch myself doing this I pause and repeat the following:
“Lack of confidence is what makes you want to change somebody else’s mind. When you know you are okay, you don’t need anyone else’s approval to empower yourself.”
I don’t remember where I got it, but it has helped me from time to time. I really struggle with feelings of anger over the injustice I have experienced not only with my ex Spath, but also in my former workplace and during my military service.
I believe that learning about personality disorders will continue to help me identify those afflicted and enable me to keep my distance as much as possible.
In my transition out of state, I’m currently staying with my N mother. I don’t have any feelings toward my mother anymore, no longing for love or approval. Still, she gets on my nerves. I try to just view her from a “clinically detached” frame of mind, like scientifically observing a personality disorder in action and taking note of the features. At least I’m continuing to learn from this perspective. It allows me to continue to keep that emotional distance so necessary for my well being. My new apartment will be ready in several weeks, and keeping that in mind helps too!
Joyce ~ As always, very helpful, healing article. Living the good life is the best revenge out there!!!!
LPMarie ~ I’m sorry you and sweet chicky have to live with your mom. Only a temporary thing for you thank goodness. Glad to hear your new apartment will be ready soon. Can you take the baby (toddler now) to a kiddie park and enjoy some fun time? The least amount of time spent in a toxic environment the better.
Just gray rock Mom and try to let things just roll off.
Thinking of you – hugs to the cutie
Marie, learning to validate ourselves when NO ONE believes what we know to be true is so difficult I think….it takes a lot of self confidence to hold on to your beliefs when everyone else in your environment is saying “she’s crazy”—at least that is my perspective. I’ve had to work hard at learning that the TRUTH is not changed by what the majority thinks.
“Democracy is 2 wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. An enlightened democracy is when the sheep is armed” LOL
In writing about validating ourselves and how it doesn’t change truth no matter what anyone else says, I always use the Columbus thing, about just because he was the only one in the world who didn’t think the world was flat, that it didn’t change the shape of the world.
Wanting our mothers to love us I think is a natural and normal thing for a child. When we are adults and still have not experienced nurture and love from that parent, it is difficult I think to cut loose and say “I really don’t care what mama thinks, I don’t need her approval any more.”
Looking at “her” clinically is a good way I think, Marie, to distance yourself emotionally from her. I have done that with a woman who is married to a male friend of mine. He is very sick and I’m not sure how much longer he will be with us, and in order to visit with him, my son and I have to put up with HER. She used to irritate the carp out of me, but now, I have changed the way I look at her and distanced myself clinically and so it is much easier to tolerate being around her. I just let what she says go in one ear and out the other and gray rock her.
With my own egg donor I use a combination of Gray Rock and NC. Since I can’t totally NC her and have to communicate about the farm from time to time, I do that by e mail And the rest is NC. Living with your N-egg donor even for a short time I am sure must be irritating Marie, but I think that Milo’s suggestion of getting out as much as possible is a good idea. Hope the stay with her is SHORT! (((hugs)))
MiLo,
Great to hear from you! I hope you and your grandson are doing well. I’ve been taking my daughter out with my sisters and their (older) children a bunch. My daughter is now 18 months old and on a language growth spurt.
She can sing almost all of “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” and amazes me with the things that she says. She can independently produce 2-3 word sentences now and just this morning, she said “Love you” to me for the first time!!! Tear, sniff! So sweet. She’s really growing up.
I do my best to gray rock Mom to the best of my ability. So far, she has been on okay behavior, but can’t help being a N! I don’t let my daughter eat a lot of sugar and unhealthy foods, and that has been one of the struggles here. As well as criticizing my parenting. But I just shrug it off and remember what kind of parent she was and almost laugh out loud at her advice. Almost.
My father is here, too, and he’s pretty self absorbed as well. I give up trying to complete a sentence, he cannot help but interrupt with what he wants to say. I do interfere when my daughter is trying to communicate and he and my mother are oblivious to their behavior. I refuse to let their disorders impact her, if I can help it!
Ox,
Thank you for your response and your insight. It hurts to have others call me crazy, and at times, I have questioned my own sanity as well. But, in first leaving the Spathy ex and being completely alone with my daughter for a year before relocating, I have learned so much about my strength and ability to take care of not only my precious girl, but finally, and deservingly, myself. And I finally believe that. Being here with my disordered family is showing me not only where my areas to work on lay, but also how far I have come.
One of the greatest miracles that has happened is that my two sisters and I are all FINALLY on the same sheet of music with our mother’s behavior. My younger sister is NC with her. My older sister still desperately wants her love an approval. It’s painful to watch. But we have a pact that we do not share each other’s personal business with Mom, and that if she trys to start any of her triangulation business with one of us, we notify each other immediately. So far, we haven’t seen her N rage, but I think she will grow annoyed with hearing “Mom, I don’t want to be involved. I don’t want to talk about my sister’s life behind her back.” She’s getting that response from both me and the older sister quite frequently!!!
I am lucky to have siblings who were willing to listen and believe me when I told them this is what is going on with our family. I get a lot of stress relief now, because we all talk to each other, and my sisters help me with my daughter now. Of course, they are delighted she is hear and we have all taken her to do many things I couldn’t do before with my former crazy schedule. My daughter is having a great time, and when I have doubts about my decision to relocate, I remind myself that I am allowing her to have a more “normal” life by removing her from Spathy’s reach.
I lost my virginity about the age of 14 when I was raped by our church minister on the kitchen table in the basement of the church.
I went to him for help. I wanted him to speak with my mother and get her to stop hitting me. Why did I go to him? Because he was my confirmation teacher, and in retrospect, I’m 99% sure he picked up on my situation and “groomed” me.
I need to say “about” because my mind blocked out much of the details of the rape. For many years, I couldn’t remember it at all.
I remember small parts of it. It was when I got into Al-Anon adult children, and other people were talking about their rapes (mostly incest,) that things started coming back to me. I started feeling uneasy. I wanted to run.
I finally mentioned to my therapist that I thought something might have happened.
Fortunately for me, but unfortunately for her, she had been incested by her brother. She understood rape, but it was much later, with a sexual abuse therapist, that I finally could put together what happened.
The first therapist and I did some work on it. I mentioned to the other rape victims that I was having problems remembering the details. They became so sad. They told me that I was lucky; they remembered every detail and wish they could forget.
Another woman I met there told me that she had to have a total hysterectomy at 22. Her stepfather began incesting her and her sister when they were about 10 and 12. He slept around on the side. He gave my friend a STD. She got no treatment for it. It was what required the hysterectomy. She became a compulsive shopper, always trying to find something to spruce up her outsides so her insides would feel better. It never happened as far as I knew.
My son dated, for about 6 weeks, a girl in high school who told me that a neighbor had tied her to bed when she was five, tied her twin brother and another sibling to the bedposts at the foot of the bed, and raped her in front of them. She spent her whole childhood in therapy. They tried a new technique on her. Her therapist made her go through the details of the rape again and again. I assume to desensitize her, but it sounds like abuse to me.
Rape is the ultimately invalidation. It does not respect any personal boundaries. It says you, your needs, and your future have no value. I understand it is common during war. It demoralizes the enemy.
The therapist who specializes in sexual abuse told me that she believes that most obese people have been abused in their lives, most likely sexually. She also told me that my rapist was particularly sadistic. Who was I going to turn to for help? My parents?
I did eventually tell them, though, a few years after my son was born. My S mother believed me. I DO remember walking into the house that evening so devastated that even she could see that something horrible had happened. But I couldn’t tell her. I figured I would have been held responsible and been abused by her more. I made a conscious decision at that point to shut down. There were no more avenues of help open to me. At least that is what I believed and given the times, that was most likely true.
She told me that when my brother and his second wife went to him for marriage counseling, this minister wanted to know how she achieved orgasm with her first husband. She was livid afterwards. I knew nothing about it, but when my mother told me, we were confused. We didn’t know what was appropriate or inappopriate for a minister to say during marriage counseling.
My S mother talked with other people in the church and found out that he had been inappropriate with others as well.
There was a curious outfall from telling my parents. My mother used my rape as “the explanation” of what was wrong with me. She embraced it because it got her off the hook even though I told her that I went to him to get him to stop her abusing me.
The fallout for me is that I am terrified of a man touching me for the first time. Sex with a man for the first time is so anxiety provoking that I just skip intimacy altogether. Sometimes, though, when I sense that a man is being genuinely kind and gives me a very light touch on my arm or my upper back, a part of me wells up that wants to sob. The amount of loneliness and longing I feel for some sort of human connection and worthiness as a human are overpowering.
“Made whole” – more BS.
More about the other people wanting to remain in denial and believe this isn’t so bad as one thinks. More denial that the damage isn’t permanent, just like when they tell you that children are resilient and will get over it.
More fantasies about “we have control over our lives,” we can spot the perpetrators, and we live in a safe world.
Statistics say that one out of four girls, and one out of seven boys, will be sexually abused at some point as children. You wouldn’t know that by the silence on the subject.
Soul rape IS what happens. Nobody is “made whole” again. You can’t put Humpty Dumpty back together.
Wonderful concept, Oxy. Thank you so much for writing.
Much love and hugs,
G1S
Marie, isn’t it wonderful when they are learning language? I just love the way they start to put things together!@....... Once my 21 month old was in the back yard with a “truck” and then he threw it into the pool and said “BOAT!” The CONCEPTS of language are amazing. How smart they are!
“Love you”—sniff, sniff, yea, that is awesome!
Good way to handle it with your mother and yea, she will get frustrated with you and your sisters not going for the triangulation carp! That family Drama-rama is her entertainment and she wants it. LOL Keep on refusing to play her games and I hope that you and your sisters can all recover from having her as a mother.
When are you going to be able to move out? I know you are excited! Being away from the psychopath is a great step forward for you and your baby. Does he have any idea where you are? Can you keep him from finding out? Making this sacrifice to be around N mommy short term is a long term good move. I’m glad that you were able to do it Marie! ((((hugs))))
G1S,
I was pretty much angry at the article that said a rape victim could be “made whole” by prosecution of the perp.
The rape victim may be VALIDATED by the prosecution of the perp, but “made whole”????? Naw! You can’t put humpty dumpty back together again. You can’t restore virginity in my opinion.
I think if you look at the statistics of the prosecutions (much less the successful prosecutions) versus the actual number of rapes reported, and take into consideration that probably only a SMALL PORTION of rapes are actually reported, I wonder how many victims are validated at all.
Look at the Sandusky thing. How many of those boys were validated? I hope many of them will be validated now, but “made whole?” Nah. The boys raped by the Catholic priests? Nah.
When the boundaries of the body are violated, the boundaries of the soul are raped as well, but it doesn’t take the body being violated in order for the soul to be raped. The betrayals of those who should rightly owe us a debt of nurture not abuse is particularly painful. When a parent betrays us the hurt goes deeper than when even the body is attacked by a stranger. By virtue of nature, the parent owes the child a debt of protection, nurture and love. When that debt is not paid, the child suffers soul rape as well I think.
When we look to our parents for validation concerning our physical rape and do not receive this, the damage is compounded.
Learning to validate ourselves, and learning to no longer “need” the validation that is not forthcoming from parents who are not able or not willing to pay the debts they owe us as their offspring is a big step.
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=if+you+had+controling+parents
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth is an excellent book…there are others available on Amazon for just a couple of bucks. I have found that these will help you in your search for a way to validate yourself and to let go of the need for validation from the DNA donors. Some people seem to need that validation more than others and I think I was one of those that desperately needed that validation (which of course I never got)
Not needing approval from the egg donor or validation from her was a big step for me…it set me at liberty like Lincoln freed the slaves.
As I was escaping the hand of murder by suicide, the only expression to capture my experience was that he Raped My Soul..
All the books and LF and everything came after NC started and I was dumbfounded to know that this evil existed everywhere in daily life…the terms and expressions of the victims were all the same…I am so sorry that this is a truth in our world but if not for the strong people that have moved forward to help others via books, websites etc, I would have thought I was completely crazy and would never have been able to start to heal..the darkness of being soul-raped..disintegrated…The gift of your words to aid in identifying the torture, pain and experience are a gift from God. Having a place where you are understood only by having endured the horror…Sometimes the only justice is found here having a place to be truly validated.