By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
I was reading an article the other day that talked about “justice” for victims. It said that a rape victim is “made whole” after his or her attack when the perp is put in prison. How can a victim of violent rape be “made whole,” no matter what justice is meted out to their attacker? It can’t be done.
There are some things that can never be “fixed” like they were before the damage, and I believe the “soul rape” by the psychopaths is one of those things. Some of you who have been physically raped may ask, “What do you know about rape?” Well, my bona fides are that my psychopathic sperm donor beat and raped me when I was 19, so I have been both physically raped and soul raped, and I can’t tell that one is any less “painful” or damaging than the other. Humpty Dumpty can’t be put back together again like he was before the rape. I will never again be a “virgin.” That doesn’t mean, though, that I can’t heal.
Shame
At the time of my physical rape I had no concept of what a “psychopath” was, but I longed for validation for my pain. Yet I felt shame that it happened to me, and a friend took me to the police in the little town where my sperm donor lived in and the event happened, where I was beaten to hell and back. I talked to the cop about the beating and he suspected what really happened and asked me point blank if he had raped me. I said, “no” because I was ashamed.
I held that shame for a long time. Through other encounters with psychopaths that raped my soul, through the summer of chaos almost 40 years after that summer I was physically beaten and raped. My sperm donor died that summer of chaos and his estate contacted me to tell me I was not going to get any inheritance from his large estate. Surprise! Though I had been NC with him for 40 years, still I was stressed by thinking about that painful summer many years before.
Beginning of healing
In that summer of chaos, 2007, my whole world fell apart and I was sitting in an RV trailer at a friend’s property at a lake in hiding from the stalker my son Patrick had sent to kill me. Reading on the Internet about psychopaths, I came across Lovefraud and my healing began ”¦ from that long ago psychical and emotional rape by an evil man, to the emotional rape my son Patrick had done to me, as well as the final realization that my “mother didn’t love me.”
The healing that I have done in the five years since that summer of 2007 has been sort of like peeling the thin layers of an onion. As I peel each one off I get closer and closer to the core. As I get deeper and deeper inside the onion, I find new layers of dysfunction and wounds that are decades old and work on healing them.
Psychopaths are all about control and what they will do (anything!) to maintain or reestablish control over their chosen victim. The “smear campaign” has been something that has frequently been mentioned by other victims. My sperm donor smeared me to every family member he and I had. Fortunately his cousins, who are now in their 80s and 90s and wonderful and supportive people, didn’t believe a word he said. First, they knew him. Second, they knew me. My half sibs, though, were children when all this happened and I do not have relationships because of his smear campaign. The men we worked with in Africa also knew him, and knew me, and none of them believed a word he said. I was fortunate there and one of those men, 20 years after the rape, became my husband. His belief in me, and support of me, was so important in my healing from the physical and emotional rape of those many years ago.
Validation
My egg donor (maternal DNA donor) had always said about my P sperm donor, “He would tell a lie when the truth would fit better.” Yet, when I told her about the rape, she said with a sneer in her voice, “Well, he said you got an abortion and that you’d yell rape.” I’m not sure why exactly it was so important to me that she believed me, but it was. I kept wanting to believe she loved me.
Reaching out for validation is important to us all. Now I am learning to validate myself. Just because someone else doesn’t believe me doesn’t mean my truth is not true. Or that my fact is not fact. I’ve said before, that just because “everyone in the world” except Columbus thought the world was flat, didn’t change the shape of the world. Facts are facts. Truth is truth. My validation of my truth, the facts I know to be true, is enough now. I don’t have to have someone else validate what I know to be true. Sure, it is nice to come here to Lovefraud and be validated, but it isn’t necessary for my healing if I accept my own validation.
The pain that we suffer—physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and financially—is equivalent to the rape of our souls. We can’t ever put ourselves back together like we were before the rape; we will never again be “virgins.” Yet we can heal, we can recover, we can grow and mature and find peace. Even if the perp goes free without any visible consequences, we don’t have to let that ruin the rest of our lives, however short or long they may be.
We can learn and grow, heal and prosper. Living a good life is the best revenge.
OxD, I am angered by the term, “made whole,” as well. There is no such thing – nobody can ever be “made whole” by money, proper sentencing, or any other means. Once that part of someone’s psyche has been “raped” or murdered, it is damaged or gone, forever. Yeah, there may be emotional healing, but that emotional scar is there until we move from this earthly life to the next – it can be scratched open so easily by triggers.
“Made whole.” Sheeeeeesh, who came up with THAT bullshirt?
Truthspeak: Yes, I have lost every friend and every connection I have ever had, over this ten year experience… except I, just this past weekend, reconnected with a lady I have known 55 years and we started kindergarten together! How many people can say, in this lifetime, that they still have a friend who remembers growing up together? hm? This has come as very much of a ‘highlight’ and ‘boost’ to me right now, reacquainting with my old friend, reminiscing about kindergarten teachers we shared and the ‘greaser boys’ in High School… the same malt shops and road rallies…hehehehe; big fun growing up was and very memorable…
I understand about people not understanding and that is why Love Fraud has been so important to me. There is no other place that ‘understands’ like ‘survivors’ do. I go see my one counselor, once a week, and my other, as needed for medication reviews, etc. He is also a neurologist. But, I am telling you what, having this place to come to and release some of the sorrow and frustration has helped so very much. There is no counselor that will be open 24/7 and although Love Fraud isn’t and has never taken ‘the place for counseling’, it has added the necessary support system that we just haven’t been able to find anywhere else.
Yes, Truthspeak, you are right: we will never be the same. The bad experiences we come through stays with us and it’s up to us to choose whether we allow those bad experiences to overtake our lives and smother us or if we ‘fight back, inside’ and become stronger and rise above it all. No, there is no ‘making whole’ again. Not after what we have experienced. But we will SURVIVE because that is what we do best. Right? We will learn new ways of thinking and feeling about all this. I am starting to overflow my “PTSD FILES” and when that happens, things start getting CHUCKED out of my world. Starting with “IT” and the ‘roadshow’…
We will never be the same but we will be stronger, smarter, wiser and more careful with our hearts and our lives.
So, after having said that, once again, let me thank Donna and all of the wonderful people who have come here, written, posted and helped me find my way through this horrible maze that had overcome my life for the past ten years. Thank you from my heart. I am ever so THRILLED and HAPPY to report that my recovery is on the road now after having been ‘kick started’ by being started on an anti depressant, which I never believed in before. (How horridly naive was I?) I am doing better even though the stalking continues…I am ‘stealthed’ now inside where it counts and matters and I am never going back to that ugliness again as long as I live. MY CHOICE. Each of you has added a garden stone in the path-walkway on my recovery and I am so very grateful. You will all always be a part of me.
G1S: I will read “Stalking the Soul”. I promise.
I have the name posted on my computer screen so I will never forget the name. Thanks for the recommendation.
HAHAHAHA: Trusthspeak, I so understand and relate, you said, regarding the book: “…For sociopaths, it’s a textbook on techniques in crazymaking and gaslighting.” ~ 😛 Shh! Don’t tell them and they won’t know. xxoo
Happy day to you all.
Dupey
Hello, I have been reading LoveFraud since 2010 when I broke up with my spath. It is really enlightening. When I thought that spath were mainly men from my nationality I just realized that a lot of women have the same personality defects.
A lady befriended me in 2010, we shared our lives together called each other sister. Then this year, she got a really good job and I was still getting short term consulting jobs, she dumped me like last years news. It was the dumping alone that hurt me, she also trashed me behind my back and started speaking disrespectfully to me. It hurt like hell, I kept thinking of all the times she referred to me as her sister and all the things I did for her, the more I went over it the more I realized that she had used me and when I was of no use she found it unnecessary to even maintain a friendship. The pain was so severe, I didnt sleep for days.
I turned to another friend to lament this betrayal. The new friend 2 was depending on me to teach her stuff on the job, I gave her my knowledge and time. Guess what friend 2 took the things I told her in confidence plus a few lies and started a really vicious rumor. I called her and asked her how she could do this, she accused someone else of starting the rumor. I trusted her but last week I had to face the truth that she started the rumor.
Its been a painful experience and I have run to lovefraud to get healing. To share my pain to allow myself to feel this pain in an anonymous forum where there will not be risks of further betrayal.
I feel crazy and hurt and now I understand I really have no boundaries and I am really still the sick woman who was duped by a spath.
Joyful,
You have boundaries. We all have boundaries. The problem is the Ps do not recognize or honor them.
It doesn’t mean that we are sick because we were duped. It means we were trusting, which is how things should be in an ideal world. Unfortunately, we don’t live in an ideal world.
You’ve learned some hard lessons, but that doesn’t make you sick unless you feel sick that such people exist in our world. I know that I do.
I wrote the piece below about friends.
Perhaps there is something in here that might help you?
Welcome!
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/05/09/my-former-friend-a-somewhat-sociopath/
Joyfulhealing, welcome, and I’m sorry that you’ve had those experiences.
Indeed, “friends” can turn out to be sociopaths, and it is extraordinarily damaging because, trusting to friendship, we make personal disclosures about our pasts, our hopes, our fears, and our dreams. We give a sociopath the information that they’ll later use to manipulate, control, or ruin us.
Having said that, I used to be one of those people who believed that the workplace should be one big, happy family, and that everyone has everyone else’s best interests in mind – with the exception of the corporate ladder-climbers who are “obvious.” Well, that belief was erroneous, and the workplace is a breeding ground for socipoathic behaviors and narcissism.
Today, the workplace is simply that: a place where I go to do a job and earn money for my work. That’s it. I don’t attempt to develop relationships with coworkers, anymore, because it rarely turns out to be healthy. I have to maintain strict personal boundaries, now. I don’t talk about my past. I don’t talk about my fears. I don’t talk about my childhood. I TRY not to talk about my divorce, though it’s always a burning itch for me to spill my guts for validation.
I have discovered that I don’t need anyone else’s approval, unless it strictly pertains to company policy. If someone tells me that I’ve done a good job, yippee. If I am not recognized for my efforts, I no longer care. I wish that the world were an idyllic place where people didn’t target other people for their own entertainment or personal gain, but the saying goes like this: if wishes were fishes, nobody would ever go hungry.
You’re NOT “still the sick woman who was duped by a spath,” Joyfulhealing! You’ve put the pieces together, recognized personal boundary issues, and you’ve made a HUGE leap forward! Right now, the betrayal burns, and that’s a normal reaction. But, as time goes on, you’ll sort this all out and reconstruct your personal boundaries.
So, try to be a little gentler to yourself and a little harder on the boundary construction!
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak, I laughed over this ” I TRY not to talk about my divorce, though it’s always a burning itch for me to spill my guts for validation.” Yep that happens to me a lot.
GIS, wow I read your article a while back and it did hit home as God knows I have had such friends but little did I know I was dealing with one right at that time. Will re-read.
Ladies thanks for your comments, I really needed this validation and No I wasnt going to try getting it from live people who know where I live and where I work and could use info against me :).
Long time ago I didnt want to participate on Lovefraud, was afraid participating would be marinating in the past negativity, now I know with people like this all around us in all spheres I better find me a knowledgeable support group.
Thanks!
Just a quick note to say “howdy” and thank you for the article. It’s kinda hee-larious how we can validate each other for not needing to be validated. So true! We’re the only ones who get it. This community is very special.
Have loads to report, but just got off work and ready to nap. I do want to say that for all of you out ther struggling, there WILL be a day when you wake up better than okay. I never thought I’d get here. Maybe it’s just good-old fashioned stubbornness, but after all these years of hearing about people who come out the other side better than before the spath and *never* thinking it would happen for me, it finally did. It takes a lot of work and a solid commitment to yourself that no matter what horrible things life gives you, nothing will ever be as bad as allowing anyone to hurt you and control your life. I slowly started seeing what I did have instead of wishing for what others had. It wasn’t so much an “aha!” moment. I can see now that the negative thinking which led me to believe I somehow deserved the horrible treatment – from my own mother on down the line to my spath baby-daddy – was just a habit. I kept catching myself doing it and telling myself that while I couldn’t control how I was treated, I could control how I treated myself. Miraculously, wonderful things started happening. I started attracting supportive people into my life without trying. I was finding that although the disasters kept appearing (even increasing!), I was able to get my needs met and not be slayed by my negativity. The more I felt supported, the better I felt. The better I felt, the more I for supported. I have such profound gratitude for all who gently took my hand and pulled me through the dark and thorny woods to this new road. Gratitude is such a powerful thing! It’s brought a smile back to my face. It’s helped me trust that there are good people out there. I don’t think I really got that before the spath. I thought I understood, but it was a shallow understanding still rooted in trauma which told me, “Yeah I’m glad I for such and such, BUT…” I was great at the “buts”. Maybe I would’ve “gotten it” without him, but that’s not important. Things are looking up. I’m getting my life together. I’m sooo happy I don’t have the spath in my environment anymore! I can enjoy parenting with absolute freedom and no more worries about being constant criticized or having to helplessly ensdure watching my son being treated son poorly
Dear Freemama,
TOWANDA!!!!!!!
Gratitude is IS an AWESOME thing and makes us appreciate what we have and not feel “less than” because we don’t have what others do.
I look at the houses of others that are bigger and finer than mine sometimes and then I look at mine and I say to myself “Yea, but it’s paid for! There’s no payment each month!” I know folks who have bigger finer vehicles..(almost everyone!) but mine is paid for and it runs….and there is no one who controls my financial strings or my emotional strings. I support myself, and decide how I live. It makes me a FREE Oxy! I am so grateful for what God has given me the opportunity to have! It doesn’t mean I don’t have to work for it or to use my opportunity wisely, but taking care of me, and in your case, the baby-kins, means that I am free from the control of others.
I am so glad you are doing good FreeMama, and you keep on doing that and when the time comes that you decide there is a man who is “good enough” to share your life and the life of your Baby-kins, you will know the RED FLAGS OF LOVE FRAUD and there will never again be a psychopath inch his way into your life or the precious life of that BABY! I hope you have gotten Donna’s new book about RED FLAGS and now with a work book to help you see where you went wrong and allowed a psychopath into your life it is doubly good. Keep checking in too, don’t let us wonder how you are doing! God bless (((Hugs)))
Freemama – Thank you so much for stopping by with your wonderful update. It’s so helpful for those who are still struggling to realize that the past is over and the future can be better.
Congratulations!
Joyful,
Loved “marinating in the past negativity.” I’d change that to “marinated by the Ps.”
Then we get skewered and held over the fire. LOL