UPDATED FOR 2021. Lovefraud received the following request in an email that brings up a scary truth: psychopathy can run in families.
My husband’s psychopathy was never diagnosed as far as I know, but some years after we married and her second suicide attempt that I knew of, he told me his mother had been diagnosed as a psychopathic manic depressive.
Maybe you could give your readers ‘a heads up and how to’ on finding out as much as possible about the in-laws’ medical conditions before marriage, better yet sound them out before becoming emotionally entangled?
This is a great suggestion, so thank you to this Lovefraud reader.
Here’s my basic advice: Understand that psychopathy can run in families. So if you see or hear about bad or disturbing behavior by relatives of your romantic partner, pay attention.
Highly genetic
Psychopathy is highly genetic. What that means is that a person can be born with a predisposition, a genetic risk, to develop a psychopathic personality disorder.
There is, however, an interaction between nature and nurture. Whether a child with genetic risk actually develops the disorder may depend on the type of parenting that he or she receives, or other factors in the child’s environment.
Read more: Key symptoms of psychopaths
Research has shown that harsh and inconsistent parenting is associated with a child developing callous and unemotional traits, which can be precursors to psychopathy.
Usually, if a child is genetically at risk, it’s because one or both of the parents has psychopathic traits. Psychopaths are notoriously bad parents. So the child gets not only bad genes, but bad parenting as well.
It’s a recipe for producing another psychopath. And it can happen over and over again because psychopathy can run in families.
The psychopathic seduction
In the initial love-bombing phase of the relationship, psychopaths can shower you with attention and affection. This person seems to be your perfect mate, the one you’ve been waiting for all your life.
But if the person is actually disordered, the caring behavior is all a charade.
Some psychopaths are capable of keeping the charade going for a long time, even years, as long as you are useful to them. Although you may sense that something is not right, you may not be able to pinpoint that the person is engaging in manipulation and deceit. You may doubt yourself, because your partner seems to want you so much.
The psychopath is engaging in impression management. But what about his or her family members?
Warning signs among the relatives
If you hear about any of the following regarding your partner’s blood relatives, pay attention:
• Criminal behavior
• Abusive behavior
• Domestic violence
• Any kind of violence
• Diagnosis of antisocial or narcissistic personality disorder, or psychopathy
• Multiple short-term romantic partners
• Scams or other financial crimes
• Drug or alcohol addictions
• Child molestation
• Prison sentences
Of course, it is very possible for a person with a normal ability to love and a conscience to be born into a family that has psychopaths. In fact, many Lovefraud readers, who are themselves empathetic, have realized that one or both of their parents are psychopaths.
But as the saying goes, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
If your partner’s relatives exhibit the traits or behaviors listed above, it may mean that your partner is also capable of the behavior, once the psychopathic mask slips.
Problem children
If your partner has kids, you should also pay close attention to how he or she treats them, and the behavior of the children.
If you see flashes of harsh, inconsistent or other types of bad parenting, they may be indications of your partner’s true nature, and not just that the kids were acting up that day.
And if the children are deceitful, manipulative or aggressive, well, those traits came from somewhere, either your partner’s family or the ex’s family.
Meeting the family
Some families of psychopathic individuals will tell you about their disturbing behavior but some won’t.
The family may be actually clueless about the true nature of his or her personality, especially if they live far away.
Or, even worse, the family may know about antisocial or abusive behavior, and withhold that information. Sometimes the motivation may be innocent — they’re hoping you are the person who will get their relative straightened out.
Other times, however, they know all about the person’s deficiencies, but they want you to take the person off their hands. In my research for my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud, one woman told me that on her wedding day, the mother of the groom came up to her and said, “He’s your problem now.”
And if your partner is estranged from his or her family, or doesn’t allow you to meet the family, it could be another warning sign that he or she has something to hide.
Trust your instincts
So what do you do? How do you protect yourself from getting romantically involved with a psychopath?
Here’s the best advice: Always trust your instincts. You have an internal warning system, and if you get a bad feeling about someone, pay attention.
Learn more: Overcoming children’s genetic risk for externalizing disorders
So if you have a nagging suspicion, but haven’t yet figured out why, it might help to take a look at your partner’s relatives. Psychopathy can run in families, and bad behavior somewhere on his or her family tree may help clarify your misgivings.
Lovefraud originally published this article on January 19, 2015.
Bigamy: My husband was married to three women at once
Hindsight is usually 20/20; but, by then it’s too late.
From the experiences I’ve had with sociopathic men, I can honestly say most families hid the “secret” their little darling was the black sheep of the family until I experienced the rug being pulled out from under me.
They were either aware junior was disordered or some were not aware of psychopathy in the classic textbook sense. My ex’s mother was actually either in denial or a carbon copy of him more refined and better adapt at hiding it.
Yep, my ex’s mom was very adept at hiding it… and apparently the dad was the classic narcissist, well hidden behind the church facade he had. He used scripture to pardon his beliefs and behaviors… I felt so fooled by all of them.
ummm…not trying to be rude or anything.But if you have been with more than one psychopath maybe you should see a therapist.Not that you are the problem. But my therapist says we choose what we know.My family are psychopaths.Two siblings made a sport out of destroying my life.I have been with more than one.I did not choose them they chose me.It’s like I have a sign around my neck that says abuse me.It’s what I learned love is from my family.Might be what happened to you to.Don’t be mad I really am trying to help.
“And if your partner is estranged from his or her family, or doesn’t allow you to meet the family, it could be another warning sign that he or she has something to hide”.
Be careful. According to my studies of Narcissistic Parents, the scapegoat is the one who ‘knows the truth’ about the family dysfunction and is the most aware member of said family. I realize we are talking about something else here, but be careful, please. I am the scapegoat of my extremely dysfunctional mess of a family. It is ‘blame the victim’ all the way.
From cousins/aunts/uncles to immediate family members, I am the ‘black sheep’. Which is stupid because it gives me ‘power’ that I don’t have. I like to bait them from time to time (to get them to think). I will ask how one person could possibly cause so much trouble when that person sits at home, practically out of the world altogether. They must think I have a crystal ball and use it religiously.
Incredible.
Agree and understand your comment Barb – I thought the same thing as I am no contact with my intensely narcissistic family (advised by therapists they are that toxic) and currently divorcing my psychopathic husband. I don’t think I would have married him if my family was “normal”. Disturbingly my husband’s family was worse than my family but were nice to me until we got married and the husband’s mask really dropped when I was pregnant. Red flags with him but not his family until it was too late. In future, given my soon to be ex-husband has “woken me up” to the reality of my toxic world and as my psychologist has said I’ve made “the great escape”, being the scapegoat and a HSP, the last thing I would want someone to think is that I am like these people because I’m estranged from them. If a child does not speak to their family I think there’s also a far chance given this is against nature that yes the parents may have serious issues but doesn’t mean the child does too. I am nothing like these people but they are everything like the many articles I’ve read on this fabulous website. Thank you for helping to make sense of the insane behaviours I have witnessed, it’s helped with the escape! All the best Barb, you are not alone.
Yes, I second that. Someone I am seeing will not introduce me to his family. But after hearing some stories, I think they were somewhat emotionally/verbally abusive to him when he grew up. He divorced someone who sounds like a sociopath. His parents do not sound too understanding of his victimization and the effects of it. I sense that they demand things of him that are, given the situation, somewhat abusive again. They may not realize that, but still.
He goes mostly no contact with them. I don’t think this means he is a sociopath. Some of us victimized by them are just too easily stressed to deal with any problem behaviors. We’d rather just pass.
It does bother me that I have not met his family. But I guess I understand. It may actually say he has good boundaries in between him and problem people. That can be a relief in a relationship. You don’t inherit all the problems. Some are dealt with in some productive way.
Me too scapegoat here!I am the one everyone pointed the finger at and said she’s the crazy one.I tried suicide several times before I found out what was wrong.I believe I have met more than my fair share of psychopaths.I would love to talk to others who have been in the same boat.Although I can’t find anyone.Or a therapist who will help me.I stay alone most of the time.I have no friends.The last one I had my brother contacted her to take her away from me too.He was “friends” with her first.I know she is just a trophy to him.But it’s not even worth the struggle that will ensue if I try to be friends with her.So I just let that go too.He is very manipulative and could find out whatever he wants from her and she would never even know she told it.If you want to talk let me know. Anyone who wants to please just reply to this message.
Dixie,
Hang in there, after learning more about this behavior I believe now that my mom is a sociopath. She consistently keep mess going between her sisters and her kids. She would always call me the Blacksheep because I question her behavior my older sister on the other hand allow her to mentally abuse her and never say anything. My younger sister is a spath narcissist. A year of counseling really didn’t help me much I still felt suicidal and experienced deep depression and anxiety. It wasn’t until I found this site that those feelings start to subside. Sometimes the amount of information will feel overwhelming but once you start to process it you will feel much better. Unfortunately, there’s no set time each person is different. I thought the less time you spent with the spath the easier it was to move on. Not true…keep moving forward one day at a time. Blessings
Liz
Dixiebell58,
Coming from 26 years of torture from a family who silenced and turned their heads to the abuse of my psychopathic mother, and other family members, I just want to say this is really quite a blessing to read how someone else out there is also in my boat. Everything you describe hits home and I have walked in your shoes, from a psychopathic girlfriend coulluding against me with my paychopathic mother, grandfather, aunt and cousin. I have been the scapegoat and the unknowing victim to the abuse for years. I finally left home and have started my own life, it’s a lonely one but after the extreme mental abuse it has been hard making friends, trusting others and I am just so glad to read these posts and yours too. My sister who played me for years and also family, and Ex-psychopathic girlfriend all knew what was happening except for me, I am not a psychopath but was used by them and also used by them to make themselves feel better and held the truth from fear of how I might expose the abuse and their sickness. I have empathy and a strong feeling to help those in pain or who are hurting, they used it against me and tortured me. It feels great reading this all.
Rebornfromthefire – I don’t know if Dixiebell58 will see your comment – her comment was posted 2 years ago. But feel free to chat with other members of Lovefraud – we all know what it’s like to be targeted by a sociopath.
My ex lied, and his parents swore to it. I could not believe the collective deceit of this morally deficient family.
His mother was cowered by her erratic and violent husband. They both knew of, and supported their son’s lies for years.
And one of the most absurd faults my son found with me is that I prevented his lying to others. I should keep my mouth shut, it’s his life. I shouldn’t care. Of course, his father agrees!
I’m persona non grata for attempting to raise my son to have decency. Every value my mother ever taught me is foreign to them, and not because I didn’t try.
My son was abandoned by his father at an early age. He financially abandoned him from long before he was even born. He didn’t return to his life until I’d done all the heavy lifting of raising him.
But the impact of abandonment on the gaping hole in the heart of my at-risk child had turned into Borderline Personality Disorder. I miss my son every day, but not the person he is…. the person he could have been.
jm-short, Having children with a psychopath is the curse that never goes away. He took my son but my son but that one failed, my son figured him out. So he went for my daughter and grandchildren with vile lies and took her away from me. She is estranged from me now and under the spell of the psychopath…minion or psychopath herself. I do not know. There is a private group for estranged parents on Facebook International Alliance for Estranged Parents and Grandparents.
Delores-
I hadn’t seen it. Thanks for letting me know!
Joyce
Do you know anything for victims of psychopaths? I really would like to talk to others who have been through the same thing.
Dixie,
Look at the videos Dobbs has posted at the bottom of this page also you can purchase her books. There are some great YouTube videos. One I particularly like is by Assoc Direct also Melanie??? I will get you her last name. Also, ask you Dr to refer you to a specialist.
Dixie-
This blog is populated principally with victims of psychopaths. Keep reading and responding. There’s loads of good advice here to help you.
Joyce
My ex’s dad allowed a drunk driving accident that was not seen by others (ex drove into a parked car and it ended up in a neighbors yard, years before we met) to be on his record instead of my ex’s! When I looked up the criminal history on my ex during our divorce I was shocked!
I had a relationship with a woman who, after 12 years of acting totally “normal,” was diagnosed with: “Sudden Onset Bi-Polar disease with a Personality disorder & metalogical to pathological tendencies.” The Doctor’s we visited said that her menopause triggered her Bi-Polar-ism. We always knew that mental illness ran in her family. Her biological father blew his head off with a shotgun in front of her (4 yrs old at the time), her baby brother and her mother. 20 years later, the same brother was diagnosed as bi-polar. As the Psychiatrists explained it (in lieu of any better explanation), this lied dormant in her system and finally reared its ugly head when the chemical changes occurred vis a vis menopause. She went into total denial and refused the diagnoses and any medications. She left me for a 28 year old, unemployed, tattoo artist and got 2 DUI’s in one week. At nearly 50 years of age she began consuming copious amounts of drugs and alcohol. The family (3 kids) was torn asunder and destroyed due to her bi-polar disease surfacing.
I highly doubt she was “bi polar”…sounds like she needed to go to a hormonal doctor to balance her hormones not to a counselor. A sociopath does not act “normal” for 12 years…no way, their mask slips over and over. Bi Polar is the number one missed diagnoses for a woman in her early 40’s to50’s…it’s actually hormonal imbalance which can be correct within days/weeks (meaning she is perimenopausal/menopause) Men also go through this change in their early 40’s-50’s.
Our society needs to wake up to hormonal imbalance which can actually be caused by over loaded stress ie toxic relationship, adrenal gland or thyroid issues, vitamin/mineral deficiency as well as age hormonal changes. Hormonal imbalance behavior can be correct where as psychopthy can not be corrected as it is a brain defect and narcissism is a long term behavior issue. The pharmaceutical companies have taken over the medical and therapy world and are making millions off of these new made up terms. Most of the drugs the therapy world pushes do not work on most people. There have been countless studies that exercise is far superior to anti depressants. Even brain experts and therapist like Dr Amen book author state that these therapy drugs are not effective. The number one vitamin deficiency for adults is vitamin D, followed by B’s and magnesium all needed for healthy brain function. Dont buy into the Pharmaceutical world pushing their drugs they have become the legalized drug pushers and the doctors/therapist the up front drug pushers.
Yes, I agree. This sounds hormonal to me. I had CFS when I became estrogen-dominant in peri-menopause. Recovered from that, in part via bio-identical hormone balancing. Despite all the huge stress from the disintegration of my marriage and horrible divorce from my N/P ex-H, I was more or less fine, except for the usual victim problems.
But then, after things had calmed down and I should have been recovering, at 51, I suddenly had what I can only describe as a sudden almost nervous breakdown. I had extreme anxiety, and considered checking myself into a mental hospital. I did not because of custody worries.
I was lucky. Coincidentally, my hormone treatment MD added estrogen and progesterone to my hormone regimen as I had just started into menopause. Within one hour, all the anxiety was gone. The estrogen (I think) or the progesterone (MD thinks) calmed me. We should not underestimate the power of hormones on our brains. They are just as strong as what is typically called neurotransmitters and work much the same way. Technically, hormones are neurotransmitters too.
Additionally, with much stress in our lives, we get depleted of some hormones or even lose the ability to generate enough of certain hormones — related to stress, these include cortisol, testosterone, and thyroid hormone(s). If one is low, others comopensate. So, for me, when my estrogen and progesterone dropped more due to menopause, my already lower testosterone and cortisol could not compensate. I can tell because I temporarily and reversibly become secondarily hypothyroid. My voice deepens noticably.
After years of stress-related illness and PTSD, with adrenal exhaustion, I found a way to treat my adrenal exhaustion via hormone replacement and rebuilding my adrenal gland via supplements. As soon as my adrenal tested more normal, my PTSD symptoms had receded. I felt more like my old self.
It is super important to make sure all hormone treatments use bio-identical hormones.
I got my life back with proper bio-identical hormone replacement therapy. Don’t underestimate their power!
Escapefor1, thank you for posting your very detailed story. YES, this is what I have been posting for victims of abuse that PTSD is actually an adrenal gland issue due to continual stress.
The adrenal glands regulate blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol, adrenaline levels and over 50 hormones including progesterone, estrone & testosterone. The stress from a toxic relationship cause the adrenal glands to fatigue which in return wreaks havoc on the body and mind. Like you stated it can be correct quickly with bio hormones. This is what counselors/therapist dont get…sadly the drug companies make more money pushing life time anti depressant pills instead of bio hormones which will correct your stress levels quickly.
Thanks for posting your story!
Jan7 thanks for posting that.If you see this what kind of doctor do I need to see to find out about Bio hormones? Thanks had siblings who are psychopaths. Believe Dad was too.I have had extreme stress my whole life.
Hi Dixiebelle58, Im sorry that you have had a lifetime of stress. Not an easy thing to deal with while navigating life.
At one time I had info for finding a doctor but at this point I cant remember the website. Anyway I would recommend that you look into the book Female Brain gone insane by Mia Lundin. Dont freak about the name she used that title to catch women attention. In her book she explains what happens with a hormonal imbalance and also discusses adrenal fatigue. Google “Mia Lundin” and “female brain gone insane mia linden” to see her site, her blog, and you tube videos.
I would also recommend that you look at these sites:
DrLam. com see their symptoms list
Adrenalfatigue. org See their symptoms list
Google the words in quotes :
“Dr Amen depression you tube”
“Dr Amen PBS you tube”
“Dr Fuhrman PBS you tube”
Both Dr Amen & Dr Fuhrman have books.
When I left my h (now ex) I was a mess…so stressed out I was lucky enough that a friend suggest that I see a hormonal specialist. This specialist tested me for cortisol levels, vitamin & mineral deficiency and hormonal imbalance. Everything was out of its normal range do to the stress.
My doctor gave me Dr Wilson’s two adrenal vitamins from the site Adrenalfatigue. org. I did some research and one is just B Complex vitamin which would maybe be cheaper to buy at your local health store??
1) Dr Wilson Super Adrenal Stress Formula (this is the one that is B Complex)
2) Dr Wilson Adrenal Rebuilder
Because my lab results showed that my progesterone hormone was low he also gave me a Rx for progesterone pills. Within hours my anxiety was notably decreased just by taking what he prescribed to me. Within 4 days my anxiety was half. Within a month I was moving back to my old self thinking. It was that dramatic.
I would also recommend that you look into a clean healthy diet. For me I went to Dr Fuhrman and he put me on a vegan plan. He has a book called Eat to Live . This type of diet floods the body with vitamins and minerals. Obviously check with a doctor before you make any changes to your life syle and diet.
ALL of the doctors listed above have Books and maybe your local library will have some.
I would google Endocrinologist doctor bio hormone to maybe find a doctors list. But in the Mia Lundin’s book list she list how to find a bio hormonal doctor..
Wishing you all the best. take care. 🙂
I would say it was the progesterone…progesterone is the bodies natural valium (sp??) when it is low anxiety & stress levels go up. Progesterone typically is the first hormone to become imbalanced during perimenopause. Mia Lundin has a good book on the subject. She has a website under her name/has a clinic also.
Escapefor1
Thank for a very powerful testimonial.
As a victim of a sociopath, I admit that I feel a little protective when someone diagnoses me online based on what I write about my anxiety and stress and then commands that I go get certain medical tests. (You need to do this or that!… No questions, just orders to go DO! Did I mention I’d been abused?) On top on a terrible abusive divorce from a sociopath, I have NO insurance. Oh I had insurance and yet, the law says he could not cancel me, but… laws are for people who follow them, and also for others to enforce. The Law was NEVER enforced on my behalf. So not only traumatized by a sociopath, left with no insurance, and extremely high anxiety that was triggered by my near escape from being murdered… I became agoraphobic, not incapable of leaving my home but I would be VERY VERY careful to go to a 24hr grocery when I was pretty certain to not see any other people. (dummy me, that’s the time when stores get robbed, and lucky me it never happened when I shopped).
In spite of healthcare not being available for me, I am glad it worked for you, and that you had a competent doctor. And glad you wrote of your experience in such a way that people can identify and if they recognize the same for themselves, they will be more likely to seek help. Thank you for this VERY GOOD POST!!!
Not What He Said Of Me,
Oh dear, I hope I did not sound preachy. I totally understand not wanting to be ordered around or controlled after being abused. Thank you for your praise. I hope you read my comment as not ordering you to do any particular health remedy. I just worry that the word is not adequately getting out about this possibility.
I’m so sorry to hear about your insurance woes. Yes, the sociopaths trod all over court orders and do not care. With my treatment for adrenal exhaustion, I saw a naturopath for that and it was not expensive. Insurance generally does not cover bio-identical hormone replacement therapy. Ironic, because it seems to make people healthier and consume less health care dollars, but traditional doctors have in general muddied the waters, so a clear message does not emerge. Anyway, I pay about $40 – 80 a month for my cortisol (hydrocortisone) replacement therapy. I would put that first on my expenditure list as I really need it to function. Hopefully not forever, but recovery is seeming to take years. I feel so much better that I would put this monthly cost ahead of anything except housing versus being homeless. I did not have insurance either due to my past CFS until Obamacare. Now I have gotten it again after 12 years of waiting insuranceless.
I hope you can find something that works for you. And I hope with time, your fears can calm. Almost escaping from murder would scare anyone. I hope you are safe from him now.
Oh Heck No Escapefor1,
You didn’t sound preachy at all. The opposite. Your words resonated as one who is sharing their experience.
I was contrasting your inspiring words with someone else who thinks that since I was a victim, I should just do what they tell me to do because they know more about me than I know about me.
I guess I wasn’t clear about my appreciation and perspective. That happens when I am too focused on my own feelings and not thinking about how my own words might seem to another.
Thank you so MUCH for sharing. The WAY you shared made it easier for me to grasp a message that I had previously avoided because I’d had enough of my ex ordering me around, that I sabotaged myself when someone else told me what to do, even though I am sure they intended to advise me based on my best interests and not based on dominating me. See how fall out from a sociopath messes a person up? I am learning to climb outta that pile! Really! I am trainable! Or at least I think I am! haha! 🙂
Blindsided
I read about this very thing last week. It’s one of the forms of Bi-polar. But I am thinking you were working and living a family life with your kids, and little things might have been off but she wasn’t “out” as she is now, and so the drama did not escalate and so it didn’t register with your awareness. I am sorry for your kids and am glad they have you. In my family, I am the only one not like the others. I used to think myself the ugly ducking. Now I know their rejection was an enormous blessing. I hope You have a good extended family who can help you through this nightmare.
Blindsided – have you considered the possibility that drug use/advanced addiction was the cause of the sudden switch from normal to not so normal? I ask as that’s exactly what happened in my story – 12 years (+/-) of relatively normal behavior with his mask securely fastened but the heavy drug use/advanced addiction starting chipping away at the mask and it fell off. During this period, I was CERTAIN he had become bi-polar and later learned, that’s a common misconception for people who are unaware drugs are involved.
Jan7 – felt I had to respond to your statement “A sociopath does not act “normal” for 12 years”no way, their mask slips over and over” – as my experience proved otherwise, at least to me. There were no mask slips until the 12 year mark when the meth took away his ability to hide his true self. I think we all need to embrace that these spaths, while so similar in many ways, can also be quite different.
Hi Lifeisgood2013….are you saying you can look back in the beginning of your relationship to now and not see any red flags in your relationship? I stand by the fact that sociopaths/psychopaths drop their mask over and over but most people because they are not educated either ignore their behavior or see it but honestly dont know how to react and the sociopath is able to manipulate the person with their words to turn their head. When FBI agents get involved with a sociopath/psychopath/narcissist in a case they look for patterns of behavior and they always will find a pattern when speaking with people along their life path. I saw my ex behavior from the second I met him but was confused to the fact he had many friends so I though I was interpreting it incorrectly and when we got together it was classic love bombing which made me uncomfortable but again I did not know how to deal with it because of lack of education and never experience such behavior from a mate. I have read on this site and many others that most victims saw the mask slip of their mate over and over.
Most victims saw a marching band of red flags throughout the relationship.
Drugs will alter a persons brain literally if you look at Dr Amen’s site Amen Clinic you can see spec brain scans of how the brain functions normally and brains on drugs. You will see the person on drugs brain shuts down in some regions of the brain and working excessively in other parts. This does not mean that they fall into the psychopathy spectrum it means the drugs are altering their brain once the drugs are removed and with proper treatment to get their brain firing in the proper areas most drug users can go back to normal behavior mode. Not all alcoholics/drug addicts are psychopaths.
Drugs, alcohol, sugar (ie diabetes), stress, a toxic relationship, a cancer tumor, thyroid or adrenal gland issues, vitamin mineral deficiency etc all can cause behavior issues that look like “bi polar” but they are not. it is important to seek advise from a reputable hormonal specialist/adrenal gland doctor along with a therapist. It is not aways in “the head” most of the time it is a body gland/organ not functioning correctly that is causing brain/behavior issues via hormonal imbalance etc.
When a woman is diagnosed with “bi polor” at age 40-50 I just laugh because no one has put together that it is the exact same time she is going through hormonal changes ie perimanoupause/menopause. But again it is the big pharmaceutical companies pushing long term expensive drugs on to people by getting the doctors to give out such diagnoses.
Point taken Jan7. I can look back *now*, 3 years after the relationshit ended and see so much because I now know so much. But I couldn’t see (and perhaps also didn’t want to see) the red flags during the relationshit because I didn’t know/understand what I was seeing.
But I see the valid point you are making – a few red flags were present after the love bombing ended but by that point, I was so mesmermized by the spath that the red flags became things *I* invented in my head instead of real issues. I was basically brain dead and that’s on me!
Lifeisgood2013, Trust me, I get the “mesmerized by the spath”…the mind control, gas lighting, trance, hypnosis they do no one can escape easily once in their grips or truly see their full destructive behavior because you are so mentally & psychically broken down. Just like a cult follower who is also following a psychopath.
Im still getting my once brain dead brain working the old way again (prior to meeting my ex h) not an easy thing to do.
Just wish they taught this each year in school at every level of education it really would save so many from emotional/mental abuse.
Yes indeed…I often say to others “I must have missed that class/those classes in school because I honestly did not know there were people like my ex.” I thought the crazy ones were easy to spot – the peple who mumble to themselves on the streets…how wrong I was and what an education I got!
Seriously, let’s not get off on confusing menopause with bi-poloar or bipolar with psychopathy. We are complicated creatures but there is no such thing as “Sudden Onset Bi-Polar disease with a Personality disorder & metalogical to pathological tendencies.” and it is certainly not triggered by menopause. Menopause and perimeopause are hormonal issues, not psychological ones. Of course any idiot might confue PMS with bi-polor disorder today. That is the current diagnosis trend, everyone has it now.
I had a sociopathic boyfriend who did love bombing and then a lot of passive aggressive behaviors in the four years we were together. He lived in his own home about an hour away so we only got together on weekends. There was a lot of sex of course and he had a lot of lies he told me about his former wife. Well his mother had children with 4 different men and she lied constantly even when she was in her 80’s,
Apparently she used to just leave him and his brothers with neighbors so she could be with her boyfriends. She got pregnant with a son when my ex was not even a year old.. The father had a vasectomy so he knew it was not his so the mother claimed she was raped. We were together a couple of years when he found out he had another much older brother that she had never told any of the other six children about.
She lied constantly and so did he and I could tell he loathed her but in the end he was just the same.
He destroyed the emotions of his former wife with constant threats to leave her, take the kids etc.. I am so glad that I got out but it took me a while to feel like myself again as he would constantly say I was imagining my feelings. Also everyone thought he was so NICE but it was all an act. After we split up I tried to warn the next victim. Just sent an email as it was someone who had contacted me before.. I told her what happened. He told her I was making it up and filed a restraining order against me claiming that I had a criminal record for assault. I should have had him arrested for slander and lying on the form but anyway the judge threw it out and he had to drop it since he was making everything up. It is amazing the lengths they will go to to protect the facade.
Just venting some sadness. My daughter is not sociopath but she is caught in the hypnotism of a sociopath and our relationship is destroyed. She doesn’t see anything wrong with how she treats me because it’s what she learned from him. I just didn’t want to put it into the ether.
A little secret:
Before I found LF, I wrote letters to myself. I know. Sounds pathetic. But I had NO ONE to write to, and I just wanted to be heard by someone, I wanted to exist to someone. Even more pathetic, it worked. Getting letters from a real person, even if it was just me, made me feel much less alone in the world.
Night all.
Wow, that’s really sad. I hope she wakes up.
escapefor1
Yes, it is sad, painfully so. But there’s worse…it’s my biggest fear, that she get caught in a sociopath trap because she refuses to learn the lessons about her stepfather, my ex husband. Being trapped by a sociopath is the worst hell on earth, second only to watching your dearest loved one being trapped by a sociopath.
Yes, that is my fear as well. I am taking steps to try to educate my kids to avoid that fate. But of course they don’t want to hear it. It is a LABOR of love.
Escapefor1
I wish you well in your quest to educate your kids. It is important.
I learned the truth about my ex too late in order to educated my kid. She’s grown, and lives somewhere that I don’t know and am not welcome, and she controls all conversation, when any contact at all is rare. She tells me she loves me, but I know she doesn’t. It’s just something she says because I desire it, but her behavior shows that for her, it’s just words. She does not want my love, so it is a surprise that she calls me at all. But I am grateful when she does because I feel better knowing she is loved by her sweetheart and is well and unharmed. The rest is a guess and I stopped guessing long ago. I learned to watch for behaviors and facts, not words… facts and behaviors keep me sensible.
My Spath’s family were silent. Never said a word about his behaviour, although his mother would hint at it but it was accepted behaviour. Actually I was told more than once I was the best thing that ever happened to him, they finally had their son, brother back. I know my mother was concerned when his father told her on our wedding day…thank goodness he’s settled down he was always the wild one. His brother was def not right. I didn’t like him right off! He didn’t like women for a start and always spoke as “THEY” I know they knew everything. Now of course I am the “crazy” one…not him, he can do NO wrong! I think it’s true in a sense that finally someone had taken him off their hands.
It was such a family that appeared to be filled with love, and when I look back it was too good to be real. In a sense as a whole they were rather narcissistic as a whole family. There were odd things at family get togethers more often than not in laws were quiet while they raved on about their wonderful childhoods non stop! It was strange that kind of ostracisation.
That’s what makes it even more difficult for people to understand and even blinded me with confusion. How could such a man come from such a loving family. Perhaps it’s all a huge front to hide all these things. I don’t know but to have lived it all those years and not one person say anything, not even say anything when they knew he was violent toward me. I always felt it was my fault or that it was just not discussed. Right at the end I was told by his sister after the attack on my life…”when it’s your husband it’s just different you put up with things.” Breaking my silence was like breaking the family code.
nevermore,
My ex impressed me with his family. They ALL got together for a holiday and they ALL pretended to be a big happy family. I found that out later. My husband knew I had no family (all my siblings are disordered, so I have nothing to do with any of them) and that having a family was important to me. I would NOT have dated a man with a family like mine.
Literally the week of our wedding, the bizarre came out of the closet. I wrote it off as a case of nerves. But… I eventually realized my ex family was as disordered as mine. Some were Overt, some covert. BUT… I still thought my husband was the exception, just like I was. I wasn’t until 3 years into the marriage that my husband’s character started to crack. We’d had some odd moments in those three years but nothing bad enough to end a marriage for. In the end, my now ex was the worst of ALL his family. It was a NEST of sociopaths, a mindset that his parents lived and that he and his 1st cousins/brother all lived, a life a being parasites, scamming people, the drugs, being THUGS, and being conniving twofaced con artists.
But Hey, as they would say, that’s just MY opinion. THEY don’t think there’s anything wrong with them and that I’m just jealous of their superiority. (I was sooooo bad because I refused to submit to “my place”.)
My therapist likened them to a mafia family. Yes, breaking my silence and outing them was seen as a crime… the laws they broke? Well, in a town where they control the Police Chief (if he wants to keep his job, and they always do….), there are NO laws… for them.
Not What He Said of Me, I am learning a lot about family dynamics. And it’s true you must know your place to be accepted or at least be seen to be accepted. I remember at one of the first family gatherings I went to one of the brother in laws came up to me and let me know the family was crazy and it was all about them. How true he was. I myself come from a toxic family. A small one so it has been hard for me to break free of them in the way I would like to…I love them but now as I sort through all the stuff from my own relationship I feel I have no more room for abusive, manipulative behaviour in my life. It has ruined my life thus far and being away from it all has been so peaceful, I literally left the whole mess and moved away with my child. We feel so at peace I can’t even describe how wonderful it is!
It sounds like your situation is rather scary when they control the law… it shows a lot of strength of character for you to stand up to that! Isn’t funny or not so funny that the one’s who are messed up are the ones who think they are just fine thank you very much, and those of us confused and made to think we are crazy, who are always seeking help are the okay individuals! Best wishes to you!
On the other hand maybe she left you out of boredom. Some people realize that life is short as age sets in and may just embark on a quest to live life to the fullest. Sitting on the couch with you, munching potatoe chips and watching American Idol just does not compare to screwing a 28-old and doing drugs. Certainly a little more hazardous life-style she has taken up but in the end that is her business. Also in the end you are not going to get her back so instead of groping for a psychiatric/medical explanation why don’t you find someone on plentyoffish.com who is willing to fill that empty seat right next to you? Nobody is going to go and hunt her down for you and subdue her with neuroleptics so poor you isn’t alone at home. Keep the memories you had of her alive but look forward to tomorrow and plan and implement today how you ate going to get there is the advice of the sociopath. Nobody here can help you feel better about your loss other than yourself and that starts by pulling yourself together. Get a Harley and go smoke some pot! Maybe you can get yourself a 28 year old too. They’re not beyond your reach if you’re like me willing to trade an increase in body mass for youth. You heard me right, a lot of young and lonely women out there who would be happy even for a 50-year old long as he digs her and is cool. The Harley helps it too of course. Take care and get over it.
Lack of empathy and very rude remarks.Obviously you are not that educated in psychology, so I understand!
Initial remarks show a total lack of bonding. Sociopaths can easily split. They have no concept of loyalty or devotion.
“Screwing a 28 yr old and doing drugs,” exactly the people-are-objects mentality we recognize as “sociopathy.”
BTW- plentyoffish recently connected one of our colleagues to a rapist.
“Get a Harley- go smoke some pot,” obviously the way sociopath6 deals with life. Non sociopaths actually feel the pain of loss when it occurs.
“Young, lonely women would be happy with a 50 year old,” lets you know he’d take whatever he could get. Respect, caring, trust and love have nothing to do with his hook-ups.
Great example of how sociopaths look at others. Thanks for leaving this in plain sight, Donna. Quite revealing!
yes. I agree with your comments, jm_short.
“total lack of bonding….can easily split…no concept of loyalty or devotion.”
People question whether the sociopath in their life would murder… and then conclude they haven’t yet so that means they’re not really a sociopath.
BUT…Sociopath6 clearly reveals their mindset, that Murder might Not happen but they are completely capable of it… which means it’s ALWAYS a possibility, and without warning. Then the news reports it as “somebody snapped”.
It’s not whether they’ve murdered or not that matters. It that they are CAPABLE of it, and they are… ALWAYS.
Thank you well said!
Yes, thank you. I always appreciate hearing from a sociopath who is proud of his point of view. It helps us understand the mindset.
you are a psychopath.get over yourself!