Sociopathy is a disorder that doesn’t afflict a person as much as it does his/her family! Since the disorder is also partly genetic it afflicts the family for generations. This week I have heard many amazing and tragic stories and I would like to share a few of them with you. These stories are about the children of sociopaths.
I am working on a project to document symptoms of psychopathy in accused and convicted con artists. As part of this project I am interviewing the family members of con artists. That is how I became acquainted with the 17 year old daughter of a convicted con artist. She wrote me a nice note saying that if I wanted to know about her father, I should study conduct disorder (CD), because she discovered through her own reading that her father has that disorder. She wanted to know if I had heard of it.
This teenager did what many of you have done. She looked up symptoms of different mental disorders and found CD, she felt it described her father very well. CD is the diagnosis given to children who appear to be sociopaths. At 17, the girl figured out for herself that her father is a sociopath.
Even though this teenager is able to attach a label to her father’s disordered behavior, she is still coming to grips with what the diagnosis means. She is still trying to understand why and how from prison, her father was able to get a “girlfriend” to transfer money out of her mother’s bank account to his prison account so he could buy junk food at the prison store.
Another girl who grew up under the shadow of a sociopath is now nearly 30. She described very eloquently what it feels like to be confused about reality because your custodial parent lied to you every day about everything and alienated you from your mother. She is hoping for a way to heal and to feel she has a place in this world.
I also spoke to a grandma who is raising 3 boys in 3rd and 4th grade, her grandsons. She married a man many years ago who fathered two children with her before abandoning her. In spite of doing her best as a single mom, both of her children became sociopaths and were unable to parent. She is working very hard to provide for the three kids. Her task is made all the more difficult when the children visit with their sociopathic parents. She tried to keep visits limited to supervised visits, but was unsuccessful because the sociopaths “conned the court.” She believes one of the boys was just molested by his mother during unsupervised visitation. She can’t understand why the courts keep putting the children in harm’s way.
Tonight two students gave presentations in the University Child Development class I teach. The first student works for an agency that links female offenders with services to help them get stable rather than reoffend. She said that 75% of the women have young children and that many witnessed the criminal arrest of their mothers. Many also are abused when placed in the foster care system after mom goes to prison.
The second student told her own story. Her niece came to live with her many years ago at age 15 when she was orphaned due to her mother being killed in a car accident. Her niece had two children by two different men one year apart beginning at age 17. She has been very unstable with multiple arrests, is a sociopath and has been unable to care for the boys who are now 13 and 14. My student initially got custody of the youngest boy when he was small, but lost it to the child’s biologic father who is also a sociopath. She believes the father wanted his son because with the child in tow he had access to the homeless shelters for families. At the shelters there were plenty of women for him to pursue.
To make a long story short, my student got full custody of the boys when they were 7 and 8. Unfortunately much damage was already done as both children are emotionally disturbed. One boy has issues with violent behavior, animal cruelty and fire setting. He has been in residential placement for the last 2 years.
What point am I trying to make? Look at all the suffering and ruined potential sociopathic parents cause. On Friday 9/26/2008, 12 noon EST, Robin Hoffman author of I Take Thee, and survivor of a relationship with a sociopath, will be interviewing me on her radio show. We will speak about the needs of the children of sociopaths. To listen visit http://www.rcrn.info/ . You can also call in to ask a question or share your story 303 747-5121, show ID 226305.
ADDENDUMIf you didn’t hear the show you can still listen to it. It can be found in the archives 9/26 see http://www.realcoachingradio.com/node/24Thank you all for commenting and supporting each other. Perhaps what we need is a protective parent’s organization. I have collected literature about sociopaths as parents. There isn’t much. If you would like my file please feel free to write.
to Libelle i found your comment really interesting, from reading other blogs i have noticed how many people writing on here have had ‘disfunctional’ families when. they are growing up. So probably our boundaries for accepting unreasonable behaviour is different to other peoples. I have always thougth that my mother had some sort of mental health issues but never diagnosed. She wasnt very nurturing even when I was very young she didnt seem to have the same instincts as other mothers to protect their children, (I only realised this after I became a mother myself) One example is at the age of about 4 or 5 we went on holiday, I can remember that she had asked me to pack my own clothes. I only packed one pair of pants as they were my new ones, of course she didnt notice, on the holiday she took us for a really long walk in the countryside, I ended up messing myself, I didnt tell her, I cleaned myself up best I could and continued to wear the soiled pants for the rest of the week, obviously I was smelly and people including my mother were commenting on a smell but no one checked me, by the end of the week I had a severe case of diaper rash, but didnt feel able to tell anyone I was acutely embarassed. Looking back on it I cant believe the lack of care from my mother. She also had a string of affairs while married to my father and one of them was with someone who was sent to prison, she asked me aged about 8 to hide the letters for him in her fur coat lining, I felt very guilty about this but unable to tell my father as she said he made her life a misery. She was very dishonest with money and would scim money from my father business, she had it hidden under the carpets. She is also very dramatic, everything is drama to her, she likes to play the victim to the extent that she makes up stories and exaggerates events to get pity. My relationship with my mothers mother is damaged because my mother has told tales on me and is believed. When I was 11 she finally left my father for one of her conquests taking me and my younger sister, he subsequently had an affair and she threw him out of the house she had bought with my fathers money. She faked suicide a couple of times, set up so we would find her when we got home from school, she was also taking prescription drugs for a number of years. She soon found another man and promptly left town to set up home with him, leaving me behind, he didnt know what had happened it was so quick, he was very wealthy, she is still with him today although she tells everyone he treats her badly. I have overheard her telling her mother on the telephone that he has hit her and threatened to throw her out when that was totally untrue and it was her having one of her tantrums. On the surface though our relationship is now close, I realise that she cant be different and doesnt understand any other way, she thinks she was a good mother because she kept a clean house and cooked. My father was a traditional hardworking man who wouldnt get credit for anything, everything was saved up for, even our house. He always had his own businesses and never took a holiday, he was the one who would get up with us in the morning and cook our breakfast before seeing us off to school, my mother was always in bed with some illness. He did suffer from a lot of anxiety and was continually stressed, there was a lot of shouting, but that is not surprisisng as my mother flaunted her affairs. I am thankful for the care that my father provided, he made me feel loved, I dont know how things would have turned out without him, he was a good man with a kind heart. Unfortunately he died 3 years ago. He never married again or had a partner after my mother left him, he was probably put off for life she hurt him so much. So I suppose you could says I am from a dysfunctional family, my older sisters dont seem to have been affected to the same extent I was, but they were older when her behaviour became really bad. There I’ve said it I have never let anyone know my feeling about my childhood, I once tried to discuss it with my sister but she said we shouldnt live in the past.
by the way everyone I’m not up all night blogging I am in a different time zone to most of you, about 5 hrs ahead in the UK. Thanks for all making me feel welcome
This is my first time “commenting” and I’m new to this site but I’m very greatful it is here. I have been dealing with a sociopath for over 15 years and we have 2 children 10 (girl) and 15 (boy). My son was diagnoised at 5 with ADHD a low IQ and has learning disabilities (he has been in special ed since 1st grade). After learning about ADHD I got to reading alot about neurological disorders and will never forget reading Anti Personality Disorder and saw my husband (every last word and more). I had gotten an Order of Protection and my real hell started after that and has not stopped. He immediatly filed for divorced and accused me of everything trying to take our children away from me…I had CPS at my door at least 3 times (due to those reports the agent had to go to the school and interview the children)… he accused me of hitting them (brought pictures to court … bruised knees etc.. (the children are now remembering him telling them he wanted to take pictures of their cuts etc.) We were ordered to go for Psychological testing (children involved)…he would call the Law Guardian on a weekly basis excusing me of things and he would have to come over and speak to the children…I never lost custody of the children but used all my money to fight every accusation for years. I have tried so hard to protect the children and never were able to. It did not matter from guns in the home (confinscated), violent past record, (charged with a Felony 1 – original charge was Attempted Murder) Recieving an O.P to which he violated and plead guilty. He was investigated for raping our neighbor who he had gotten pregnant and took her for an abortion (long story) but she was only 15. At about 22 she told me what had happened and I took her to my Domestic Violence Counselor and he was then under investigation. During that investigation I had gotten an order that he could have no contact with the children at all. The Police had my 4 year old daughter examined (due to some things she was displaying) When the evidence was presented to the DA she felt too many years had gone by and would not be able to get a conviction so decided not to take the case. CPS investigated my daughter and found nothing. My divorce papers read I could move 50 miles so I moved 47 radius miles away (aprox 1hr 1/2 away)1 Week later I was in Court (the day the children were suppose to start in their new school). I was ordered to put the children back in their old schoo that day until trail (2 months away). I lived in my girlfriend’s empty house she was selling with blow up beds. 1 month later it was sold and had to live in hotels for another month. I was having a nervous break down. 2 Days before trial in a Conference my lawyer tells me the Judge said he remembers my Divorce was suppose to say 50 driving miles. He was going to mandate me back to Long Island. I lost it. My lawyer, my friends (I have no family) telling me I should give him the children it is not what he wants (especially since he was and had been with a very wealthy woman who has her own child and they were getting married) and he would give them back. On December 13th I gave him our children the worst day of my life…I went through Post Tramatic Stress Syndrom. Sorry I really wanted to express what my Son is and has been going through. How this Sociopathic Sperm Donor is effecting him. At 15 he is noticing things, questioning things, and getting how his Father is. At 13 he had gone through Panic Disorder now at 15 anger, depression…but I have finally gotten him to open up to me and tell constantly tell him it is not you!!!! Reassure him I love him and there is nothing he can not tell me that I would not believe. He wants to come back to live with me and that is now my new fight…and I’m not sure how I’m going to approach it this time. Thanks for listening. I have not been able to unleash like this in all these year. This will not be the last you hear from me … I have lots of stories to tell (too many really).
“to Libelle i found your comment really interesting, from reading other blogs i have noticed how many people writing on here have had ’disfunctional’ families when. they are growing up.”
And moraira43 you would be right. You will find this as I did a common theme among us all. Most is if all of us came from dysfunctional families. I have notice this played out over and over again. I have seen this so often that I really can’t believe it is only a coincidence..
“But, even though children of narcissists don’t automatically become narcissists themselves and can survive with enough intact psychically to lead happy and productive lives away from their narcissistic parents, because we all love our parents whether they can love us back or not, children of narcissists are kind of bent — “You can’t get blood out of a stone,” but children of narcissists keep trying, as if by bonding with new narcissists we could somehow cure our narcissistic parents by finding the key to their heart. Thus, we’ve been trained to keep loving people who can’t love us back, and we will often tolerate or actively work to maintain connections with narcissistic individuals whom others, lacking our special training, find alienating and repellent from first contact, setting ourselves up to be hurt yet again in the same old way.”
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/howto.html
Welcome dolphin22!
dolphin 22,
just remember you are not alone, I am also new to this blog, only realising a few days ago what my husband is. We have a 14 yr old going through the hell of seeing her father in the real light. He is not at all remorseful about anything he has put us through. violence, infidelity, lying, debt, fraud etc, the list goes on. I read a really good article on Dr Steves section about how creative writing about traumatic events can help, You should read it, it may help your son to do this, Dr Steve does recommend that you get professional advice first though. But I can say that after just a few days of blogging on this site I have had so much support from people who have been in my situation it has really helped me to start to move on emotionally, i have recognised the red flags that show me what my husband is. It sounds like you have been through a lot and your story is like many you will read on this site, take time to read through them it is therapeutic. It is really important for your son to know you love him and believe him that will limit some of the damage caused. Good luck to you and keep in touch
to james
I never thought of it like that, I think your right I am always trying to please people and sort out their problems. I tend to give a lot as that is how I’m programmed i suppose. My mother is still at her happiest if I buy her something designer and this makes me feel good. I never receive any presents from her though, only something cheap that she may have picked up in the market if your lucky or one of her old necklaces. She cant seem to see the inconsistency in the way she treats us and the way she expects to be treated. she is also like this with her grandchildren and like us they have learned not believe grandma when she says she is getting them this or that for christmas it never materialises, but she always has money for designer things for herself which she enjoys showing off to us all.
Our first social structure is our family. It’s there we learn how to behave, and where our place in society is. Dysfunction and codependency are passed on not by genetics, but by the indoctrination we receive from people in our family every day. We have normal desires and urges inside us, but they are stifled and retrained by the unhealthy behaviors of our families. Few grow up unscathed if this happens, because social training isn’t inborn, it has to be learned when we are little.
I think its true when i met my S’s mother the red flags were all there. She told compulsive lies, told everyone who would listen that she was having an affair with a farmer up the road, this wasnt true but the gossip was very damaging for the farmer and his poor wife, she persisted in this lie until she died. Her husband was vey thin and weak (they were in their 70’s when I first met them) she would give him minimum food, sometimes mouldy and seemed to enjoy his suffering, she said he deserved it after how he had treated her over the years, she set up a rumour that he had sexually abused their daughter to turn the family against him.
No money was spent on the house, just on cigarettes, alcohol and bingo. She was always in debt and borrowing money from credit agencies and the family. When I had only been dating S for a month the mother got a bus to my fathers business in the next town and asked to borrow money from him when he declined my sister gave it to her to get rid of her, i still dont know how she knew where is business was.
S says that his mother killed his rabbit by leaving it in the snow to freeze and he witnessed her drowning kittens. He used to tell me that he had to sit behind the couch to play when he was a child and would be beaten if he made a noise, I dont know how much of this is true or if he was trying to get pity. He wet the bed until he was in his 30’s. By the way S’s sister is an international con woman she also used another brothers house as a mailing address and has aliases, she told lots of stories about her ex husband to try and discredit him. Other brother is alcoholic. How I feel about S is not all cut and dried, because I know what he went through with his mother I relate to that and this is a problem to me because I still feel sorry for him.
James said “because we all love our parents whether they can love us back or not.”
Not all of us. In fact that is one of the things that is a pet peeve of mine to this day. That people expected (and pressured) me to “love” my mother, to grant her some special status because she gave birth to me, etc. As I said on my blog “Being a biological donor/giving birth to someone does not a mother make and it deserves no special respect unless that respect is earned. Period.”
What was sad to me was that even some professionals would reinforce this idea and add to the pressure. The whole idealization of motherhood is a very strong tool in the psychopaths tool box when she is a mother.