Sociopathy is a disorder that doesn’t afflict a person as much as it does his/her family! Since the disorder is also partly genetic it afflicts the family for generations. This week I have heard many amazing and tragic stories and I would like to share a few of them with you. These stories are about the children of sociopaths.
I am working on a project to document symptoms of psychopathy in accused and convicted con artists. As part of this project I am interviewing the family members of con artists. That is how I became acquainted with the 17 year old daughter of a convicted con artist. She wrote me a nice note saying that if I wanted to know about her father, I should study conduct disorder (CD), because she discovered through her own reading that her father has that disorder. She wanted to know if I had heard of it.
This teenager did what many of you have done. She looked up symptoms of different mental disorders and found CD, she felt it described her father very well. CD is the diagnosis given to children who appear to be sociopaths. At 17, the girl figured out for herself that her father is a sociopath.
Even though this teenager is able to attach a label to her father’s disordered behavior, she is still coming to grips with what the diagnosis means. She is still trying to understand why and how from prison, her father was able to get a “girlfriend” to transfer money out of her mother’s bank account to his prison account so he could buy junk food at the prison store.
Another girl who grew up under the shadow of a sociopath is now nearly 30. She described very eloquently what it feels like to be confused about reality because your custodial parent lied to you every day about everything and alienated you from your mother. She is hoping for a way to heal and to feel she has a place in this world.
I also spoke to a grandma who is raising 3 boys in 3rd and 4th grade, her grandsons. She married a man many years ago who fathered two children with her before abandoning her. In spite of doing her best as a single mom, both of her children became sociopaths and were unable to parent. She is working very hard to provide for the three kids. Her task is made all the more difficult when the children visit with their sociopathic parents. She tried to keep visits limited to supervised visits, but was unsuccessful because the sociopaths “conned the court.” She believes one of the boys was just molested by his mother during unsupervised visitation. She can’t understand why the courts keep putting the children in harm’s way.
Tonight two students gave presentations in the University Child Development class I teach. The first student works for an agency that links female offenders with services to help them get stable rather than reoffend. She said that 75% of the women have young children and that many witnessed the criminal arrest of their mothers. Many also are abused when placed in the foster care system after mom goes to prison.
The second student told her own story. Her niece came to live with her many years ago at age 15 when she was orphaned due to her mother being killed in a car accident. Her niece had two children by two different men one year apart beginning at age 17. She has been very unstable with multiple arrests, is a sociopath and has been unable to care for the boys who are now 13 and 14. My student initially got custody of the youngest boy when he was small, but lost it to the child’s biologic father who is also a sociopath. She believes the father wanted his son because with the child in tow he had access to the homeless shelters for families. At the shelters there were plenty of women for him to pursue.
To make a long story short, my student got full custody of the boys when they were 7 and 8. Unfortunately much damage was already done as both children are emotionally disturbed. One boy has issues with violent behavior, animal cruelty and fire setting. He has been in residential placement for the last 2 years.
What point am I trying to make? Look at all the suffering and ruined potential sociopathic parents cause. On Friday 9/26/2008, 12 noon EST, Robin Hoffman author of I Take Thee, and survivor of a relationship with a sociopath, will be interviewing me on her radio show. We will speak about the needs of the children of sociopaths. To listen visit http://www.rcrn.info/ . You can also call in to ask a question or share your story 303 747-5121, show ID 226305.
ADDENDUMIf you didn’t hear the show you can still listen to it. It can be found in the archives 9/26 see http://www.realcoachingradio.com/node/24Thank you all for commenting and supporting each other. Perhaps what we need is a protective parent’s organization. I have collected literature about sociopaths as parents. There isn’t much. If you would like my file please feel free to write.
I’ve known many children of psychopaths. There’s a particular type of humiliation they all seem to experience and it molds them in similar ways. I touched on this in a post, “Fraudsters’ Sons Can’t Forgive Parents,” at my blog, http://pathwhisperer.wordpress.com/2008/07/28/fraudsters-sons-cant-forgive-parents/#comments . It concerns an “evil couple” (the wife definitely sociopathic) that faked their own death to collect insurance money.
James – Sorry I did not mean for my post to come across as saying you were incorrect because what you said is correct. I just wanted to add to what you had said.
I feel lucky in some ways.. while my mom was quite abusive at times and never careful with my feelings, I know she is not an S/P. She really cares about us, what we do and how we turned out. Unfortunately, she is a little too determined to have perfect children.. and we all know, that ain’t about to happen.
It’s kind of strange to me though that she would choose to make me the black sheep, seeing as I was always striving to be a good kid and to please her.. straight A’s, never any trouble with boys or the law, teetotaller all my life. I mean, here I am, a single mom, 4.0 avg, kids all successful, I don’t party, smoke, drink or have men overnight.. yet I’m the black sheep…
She says she always felt like one of those guys running around on stage spinning plates on top of poles. She was so busy, and I have always been “the plate that wouldn’t spin”. Nope, I insisted she slow down and make time for an actual relationship with me.. which until recently, she refused to do.
Dear Kat: Do you know what a black sheep is in the family? The person who tells the truth and doesn’t want to/fights with them over the lies they tell. That’s what black sheep means.
It’s just a spin that you don’t get close to uncovering the truth.
They call us all kinds of names (that’s smoke screening at it’s best and keeping you down, feeling bad about yourself) … because they don’t want to be stopped on living their selfish ways. Your mom wanting perfect children is selfish. Think about it. How convenient to have perfect children … not having to stretch yourself in life. Perfect, perfect, perfect … so you get the blame … you are forced through all the imaginary hoops to jump threw. Oh, didn’t quite make it through this hoop, let me put another one up in front of you. Oh, not perfect? here’s another hoop and another hoop and another hoop. While you are paying attention to the selfish game she’s playing, she can sit back and not take the blame in how you turned out. Don’t blame her, you didn’t it to yourself … you’re not perfect … but, as a good mother, I tried … I did everything for you and tried. The martyr mom routine … not as Narcissistic as most, but still narcissistic. Hey, I’m not knocking your mom … most of them want the best for their kids … and they are all selfish when it comes to how their kids turn out … but, it is still selfish. You, you, you didn’t listen to me, that’s why you turned out the way you are. Had nothing to do with me … that’s their out for any blame. Not as bad as most, but not healthy either. Plus, no one is perfect except for GOD. We are to strive to be like him, but we are human … experiencing life, learning about life … not that any of us have perfected life. Hence, why pain is put in our paths … to grow and experience life.
Guess who is the black sheep in my family? Not by my parents standards but by my two sisters who twist all logic because of their selfishness. I thought I’d loose it in my teens and 20s … being twisted like a pretzel with those two .. then I learned to speak up for myself and tell them off. To this day, these two will spin their spins and I’m always the bad guy and they are always right. NOT. But, that is another matter. Yes, they both dutifully attend church and have everyone around them playing out of their hands. You think these two pompous idiots would every read their bibles and learn some wisdom instead of just carrying them to look the part of good Christians? The day they open their Bibles and read a scripture … I will eat it?
Peace.
You know Kat: Maybe it is a good thing that Mom’s push us to do the right things in life … just pushing us for our own good so we don’t go the other way.
That is most likely why they do that to us. It’s a built in conditioning that mom’s throughout the world have. It comes with the job of raising children from a lump of clay into adults. Responsible adults to go out in society and be constructive.
Peace.
It’s a built in conditioning that mom’s throughout the world have. It comes with the job of raising children from a lump of clay into adults.
I disagree. Being a good parent is not something that is just built in to mothers. If it was than these mothers who have done awful things to their children are blameless.
Being a biological donor/giving birth to someone does not a mother make. There are many factors that go into being a good parent, and a portion of those often involve choices, good ones and bad ones. Both men and women can be loving, caring, nurturting parents or can be the reverse.
Because many people buy into certain stereotypes it often causes the harm/trauma suffered to be worse. One of the things I hope to get people to think about is that people are people and to set aside their preconceived notions and assumptions or run the risk of inadvertently causing more harm to some. Consider these comments from a program:
Michelle Elliott: (Director – children’s charity Kidscape)
Those survivors who tell me they have been sexually abused by both a woman and a man always tell me that it was more traumatic to be sexually abused by a woman – they feel more betrayed, they feel very angry, they feel the woman should have cared for them, should have loved them instead of abusing them. For some reason they expected it almost of the man, but never of the woman.
Jacqui Saradjiam: (clinical psychologist)
I think people find it so difficult to see that women sexually abuse children because the whole view of women is of nurturers, carers, protectors – people who do anything to look after children – and they see the women as victims rather than enemies or perpetrators of any abuse.
Jacqui Saradjiam: (clinical psychologist)
The fact that we are not expecting women in our society to do this – not expecting that women our society do this actually has profound effects on the victims, often making the experience go on much longer than it would have done in other cases, but also making them feel more stigmatised, more different, more betrayed, more powerless.
The biggest trauma for some victims though is disbelief. A survey of 127 survivors by the children’s charity Kidscape showed 86% were not believed at first when they named a woman as their abuser.
I don’t have time to read all of the comments so I apologize if I am repeating something already mentioned.
I have a 5 year old son whose father is a sociopath. I have 2 children with my husband, a “normal” man. There is a huge difference between my 5 year old and my other 2, even as babies. My 5 year old has been difficult from the start. He has been in therapy for over a year now, and we are suspecting that he will be diagnosed with ODD. It is heartbreaking to watch a child turning into the exact opposite of what I am. No matter how much my husband and I try to teach him empathy, he doesn’t care about others, not even his younger siblings. His manipulation skills are equal to that of an adult.
I have to disagree that the parents are responsible for behavioral patterns. I have nurtured all of my children the same way. My daughter, who is not even 2, understands empathy. My son is only 5, but I am losing hope that we can intervene and he will turn out ok in the end. I’m pretty sure he is going to be a sociopath, and that is devastating.
sarasara,
My sister has 2 sons with the same father, the eldest has been admitted to a mental asylum twice. Has psycopathic behaviours but is not diagnosed yet, the police are constantly called to the house because he attacks my sister and has held her hostage. He has no thought for anyone except himself and has caused a lot of trouble for the family. Her other son is a grade A student who has never been any trouble and is very thoughtful. they were both brought up the same way in a very secure family unit, they went to the same schools and mixed with the same friends. the son who is trouble is the eldest son and changed character completely when the youngest son was born
Dear Sarasara,
I am so sorry tht you are having such problems with your son, and I completely understand your delima.
I have a son who is a psychopath, both of his grandfaathers were psychopaths and on my side of the family at least, I have many others who are psychopathic. There is a large component tht is genetic.
My son, unlike yours didn’t show any P tendencies until he was 11, and then only one episode, until he reached puberty then it iwas Jekyl and Hyde. He is currently in prison for murder. He is 38 and has been in prison since he was 17 except for about 12 months between crimes when he was out.
There is a site linked here on parenting chldren who “are at risk”—Dr. Leedom has a child by a psychopath and so far she is doing the best she can to help her son develop empathy and the site may be very helpful for you.
I am a retired mental health professional and I have seen children that were at least 10 that I had NO doubt would be violent psychopaths and had no hope for these kids.
I strongly suggest that you get as much professional help as you can and there may come a time that if all else fails you will have to turn your son over to the state or he may need to be institunalized. I know you love your son, and I loved mine, and my son is extremely bright and could have been anything he wanted to be, and he chose to be a convict and a murderer.
His latest crime is to convince another of his buddies to kill me, and almost succeeded.
My son had every opportunity to be successful that could be provided, and he had a “zillion” “second chances” and he has blown them all. He is quite slick though, and an expert liar.
I can tell you I have never felt such grief in my life as the grief I felt when he had killed his victim and was arrested. Unfortunately, I kept on holding on to “TOXIC” HOPE that something would make him grow a conscience.
As young as your child is, there may be hope yet for your son. I pray for both you and your son. Check out Dr. Leedom’s site about parenting at risk kids. God bless you.
I have a lot of hope for my kids that none of them will turn out bad even though their dad is a complete and total sociopath.
The one who is most like him, I come down rather firmly with him in the moral arena, and I have to insist the he respect me.. but also he has very good impulse control, so that might save him.. he also is a little mercenary and doesn’t mind working hard to make a buck, so he might just become a really good salesman or something lol.
My oldest could easily be an S if she wanted to be, she is a born leader, people will believe anything she says…but she has a strong moral compass.
My oldest son has a hot temper and a bad attitude, but he is also reflective and controlled. He is improving some now that he is out of the army, and he quit smoking, which makes me very proud of him. He is going to school to become an emt and later a paramedic.. we’ll see how that goes lol.
My youngest daughter is very harsh sometimes and uncaring about people’s feelings but she has absolutely no interest in using anyone, she’s extremely independent.. I know she won’t do anything bad, she’s always been very responsible.
My baby has very poor impulse control and can sometimes really push the envelope of acceptable behavior, but he is also a very loving and caring guy.
So I’m crossing my fingers and saying my prayers, because I can’t imagine what it was like for you Oxy, dear, I dont’ think I could recover from a terrible blow like that.