Reader spots Red Flags of Love Fraud in a woman he meets on a dating site

Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Evan.”

I’m coming to Lovefraud again because I’m pretty sure I have just met another sociopath through a religious online dating website. She seems too good to be true, so I think she is … I’m just wondering what the best way to end the very short relationship would be.

Red Flag Reminders:

1. Charisma and Charm
2. Sudden Soulmates
3. Sexual magnetism
4. Love bombing
5. Blames others for everything
6. Lies and gaps in the story
7. Intense eye contact
8. Moves fast to hook up
9. Pity play
10. Jekyll and Hyde personality

Facts:

– I contacted her via the dating website on Monday (4 days ago she already wants to meet and has told me what feels like too many times with too much enthusiasm that she really likes me)

This is either an example of Red Flag #8 (but wouldn’t necessarily be noticed on the first or second day) or just a woman who is really interested, and doesn’t want to lose a good prospect.

– She wrote back immediately. Not necessarily a Red Flag, but a little unusual for someone on a dating website to write back within minutes.

– We exchanged a few emails on the website and she asked if we could text. Also, not necessarily a Red Flag, as dating website communications structures are clunky to use for communication. Text seems less intrusive and “safer” than a phone call, so not really a Red Flag.)

– She sent numerous texts the same day/afternoon saying she was thinking of me, was so lucky to have met me etc. Not necessarily a Red Flag, since I’m not such a bad catch, but when coupled with the previous facts, starts to point towards Red Flags 2, 4, and 8. Not quite love bombing at this point, but at the same time the frequency is higher than normal and my 6^th sense is starting to suspect something is amiss.

– She called later that evening even though I’d asked not to talk on the phone for a few days because I have bronchitis and can’t speak very well yet. Again, taken by itself doesn’t seem terribly unusual, and could just be a sign of an assertive person trying to show the other person she is interested. On the other hand, it ignored my request not to talk until my voice was recovered. Pushy at best, starting to raise Red Flags 2, 4, and 8.

– She asked me to send a recent photo, which I did. Also not unusual, but in conjunction with the other items is building a case that this might be a predator.

– Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday morning she sent “Good Morning” text messages, today’s included “Good morning gorgeous” and a mid-afternoon text of “Hugs, thinking of you”. The messages were sent at a very early time for me (5:45 am). Again, I can’t quite put my finger on it and say that this is a bad thing ”¦ who wouldn’t want such great messages in the morning? But the frequency of contact is now definitely feeling like Red Flag #4 Love Bombing. Because of a similar experience a few years ago with another sociopath, I realized at this point that I couldn’t really risk getting entangled with another sociopath, and even if this person wasn’t a predator, it was probably in my best interests to end the relationship as soon as possible.

– She called just before noon Wednesday, a couple of times Wednesday afternoon and three times on Thursday morning and afternoon. I didn’t answer the phone calls on Thursday. She sent texts saying she “butt-dialed” accidentally. This is an example of Red Flag #4 Love Bombing. Although it is possible that she did actually dial me accidentally, several times, two days in a row, I’m sure if I had answered the phone she would have struck up a conversation that would have taken a few hours to finish.

– Wednesday night (day 3 of knowing her) she asked what I thought about meeting in person: She lives in Omaha (supposedly) and I live in Colorado. There was almost an implication that she wanted to meet over the long 4^th of July weekend. I paused for a moment, remembering that accelerated relationships are a trademark of the sociopath, and then she asked if she had scared me with that question. I said “No, but usually women don’t want to meet so quickly.” I think she thought she’d given herself away, so she backed up and said she’d like to meet at least within a month. A month also seems unusually soon to ask to meet, especially for the woman to initiate the request. Once again, there’s nothing that clearly identifies this as sociopathic or predatory behavior. It could be a person who just doesn’t want to waste time. I personally like to meet a new love interest as soon as possible to keep from wasting time with a person who isn’t going to be a match. On the other hand, combined with the recent Love Bombing and Sudden Soul mates (implied in conversations each day), it seems like Red Flag #8

Other Possible Red Flags

More observations from conversations over the last 4 days:

– She claims to be divorced from a wealthy ex-husband who was a sociopath with narcissistic personality disorder who was the son of a billionaire (car dealership owner). She demanded a divorce after 2 years of marriage and walked away from the relationship without asking for any money. This is interesting because the sociopath I was previously in a relationship with had a very similar story. While it’s certainly not uncommon for people to have been previously married and divorced, or even just in dating relationships it’s not that common for them to describe their exes so specifically sociopaths with narcissistic personality disorder. This could just have been a coincidence, could have been because I mentioned having previously been in a relationship with a sociopath with NPD, or it could have been her projecting her own issues onto her ex-husband, if he exists.This is Red Flag #5 Blames Others for Everything.

– Claims to have dated another man in Arizona who was also very wealthy but was also a sociopath. Same as above.

– The wealthy men she’d been in relationships with allowed her to enjoy an extremely lavish lifestyle including boats, and Lear jets. While certainly possible, it seems unlikely that I would run into two women who had previously been married to billionaires. This story is plausible but unlikely. Based on my previous experience and building anxiety, I would characterize this as Red Flag #6 Lies and Gaps in the Story.

– She mentioned on two occasions (that didn’t require it) how smart she was, specifically with an IQ of 156. Another interesting coincidence that my previous sociopath mentioned almost the exact same thing, that she was very intelligent and had an IQ in the 150s. Again, plausible but unlikely. Red Flag #6.

– Keeps saying (at least 4 times) that she had a 4.0 GPA from an accelerated program at a small college in Louisville. Same as above.

– Claims to have been through two life-threatening diseases and survived thanks to an experimental drug. So impressed by and thankful for the drug that she now works as a pharmaceutical rep for the company that sells it. Plausible but unlikely, Red Flag #6. Also, although she has recovered and is very optimistically (hopes to have $1M in commissions by this time next year) building a business as a pharmaceutical sales rep, and seems to be a very stong, intelligent, and independent woman this is also an example of Red Flag #9 Pity Play, subtly providing a reason to feel sorry for her, but also to respect her for her courage in facing death and surviving.

– She said that she had various jobs … model, pharmaceutical rep in Florida (where her work and clients were stolen by someone else), and actor. Again strange parallels between this person and the previous sociopath who claimed to have been a model. These jobs are all plausible, but they’re also unlikely, and when combined with the way they ended, always someone else’s fault. These are examples of Red Flags #5 and 6 Blaming others for everything and lies and gaps in the story.

– We spoke by phone Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday evenings for a several hours each night. Again, not necessarily unusual when first meeting a new love interest. The conversations were pleasant and interesting, during which her charm and charisma showed very well. However, the content of the conversations (partially described above), as well as the frequency and length indicated additional red flags. Red Flags #1 Charm and Charisma, #4 Love Bombing, and #5 and #6 for conversation content. By the end of the second day, I began to feel like she was trying to tie up my time and begin isolating me.

On Thursday I emailed Donna to get a second opinion.

Virtues are targeted

One of the “problems” for people who are in early stages of new relationships is that they are usually good people who look for the best in others and assume others are just like them. Most people are, but when a new person in your life seems to be “perfect” or “too good to be true” there’s a strong chance they can be.

I met this person on a religious dating website where she wrote very specific items on her profile. Those items are exactly the kind of person who would be a “perfect” victim for the sociopath. The very virtues and strengths of character that most people would admire and desire in a partner, are specifically targeted by sociopaths because they lend themselves to exploitation while believing they are doing “the right thing.”

Although I would really like for her to be the “real thing,” my past experience and this gut feeling of anxiety tells me that she is not, and could put my future in jeopardy. There was a temptation to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I reminded myself of what happened the last time I did that. So at the risk of feeling paranoid and the chance that I would lose what could be a really great partner, I had to take action.

On Thursday, another day of love bombing. My anxiety was still building, even after refreshing my memory on the Ten Red Flags (by quickly reading Donna’s e-book). In the early evening, I replied to her latest text by telling her that “I’ve been praying and thinking a lot about the relationship and that the message I received was ”˜too much, too fast’ and that I needed to work on myself some more. I can’t in good conscience continue this relationship. Good luck with your search.”

This generated two additional texts from her, including the final one that said “Wow. God must have someone really wonderful and fabulous in mind for me. Thanks for eliminating yourself so quickly. Next! Lol.”

If I still had any doubts, the last text laid them to rest since it also exhibited a last chance love bomb and also a shallowness of emotion which, while not one of the Love fraud Ten Red Flags, is also a behavioral characteristic of a sociopath.

Thanks Donna for your book, website, and helpfulness!