I don’t remember the number of times that my friends warned me not to shut down after it all happened. How many times they’d ask me not to lose myself. To avoid becoming bitter and lonely. To stay open, despite my pain.
“With what you’ve been through you have every right to never trust anyone again” they’d say “but please don’t let this experience change you from being the loving bubbly person that you are — time will heal. Stay open”
Yes, I am very lucky indeed to have such wise and loving friends. I count my blessings and am grateful for such levels of support — particularly during the early days after discovering the truth. At the time I thought they were referring to my ability to trust another romantic relationship. That was ok, because I was always ready with an answer. My well-rehearsed response would be along the lines of “It’s ok, because I know that my feelings were real, even if his were not — and I know for a fact that I experienced true love. So if I felt that with an empty soul, then when one day I find a real person, surely the experience will be ten times better?”
The thing is, though, I have discovered that real love has very little to do with me finding another person. That ”˜closing off’ does not just mean closing to the world and people that surround me. That yes, staying open is entirely to do with trusting and loving”¦. But loving who, exactly? And how”¦?
Rock And A Hard Place
As for all of us here, I’ve survived some pretty grueling experiences. My personal healing journey after the sociopath involved re-examining some of the old traumas that I thought I’d already dealt with. Re-opening the sealed emotions that were still hidden away, despite my honest belief that there was nothing left to discover. But there was. And to this day, there continues to be more.
There was a time when, to be frank, I was way too scared of going to some of the darker places that lay within me. Because I knew that re-discovery meant opening old scars and digging around in the old hurts. It was going to be painful, and I didn’t know whether I had the courage to go there — to really go there and find out what was within. To deal with ”˜whatever it was’ once and for all, so that I could be free and done with it. It was an almighty ask of myself — and there were many times that I felt overwhelmed by the enormity of the task I knew lay ahead. I became frightened that if I went to the places that were beckoning me, I might never find my way back out. That I’d die from the pain, or perhaps be held prisoner for the rest of eternity.
On the other hand, I knew that if I didn’t go there, then I was doomed to stay stuck in the living nightmare that had become my life. And that, by comparison, was far too great a hurt to live with. So, caught between a rock and a hard place, I felt pushed to the limit. I had to make a choice. And I made the choice to dive right in, hoping and praying that by facing my fears I would come out the other end.
Having made the commitment I discovered that in actual fact the pain was never ”˜too much to bear’ and neither was I held prisoner. Quite the contrary. Looking back now, I imagine the journey as a daily trek in to a dark mine. Each day hollowing out more rock, my body and determination becoming stronger as I continued to work. The job, by default, therefore becoming easier as I continued scraping away, emerging at the end of each day with a filthy face and a dirty great smile.
Reflections And Sunshine
And you know what? I never did reach any impasse. I never did find any really ”˜bad’ thing hidden there. But I did find something. Something that I had never in a million years imagined would be hidden there! Because underneath all the dark rocks and dirt, I found a diamond. I found myself.
I said earlier, I had honestly believed that I’d already uncovered and dealt with the emotional damage of my past. Because of that I believed that there was nothing left to discover. On top of that, I now realize that I had believed for many years that even if there was any discovering left to be done, it could only possibly be more of the ”˜bad stuff’ that I’d hidden away so many years earlier. It didn’t even occur to me that there might be good stuff to discover – DOH! And now I am thoroughly reveling in finding new stuff within — because I’ve finally tapped in to the real love that lies within me. And ever since the first tentative connection was made, it has continued to build. On a daily basis I am finding more ways to love and appreciate myself for who I am — yep, I’ve lived with ”˜me’ for close to five decades, but it feels like I’ve only recently started to know myself.
I am constantly chuckling at the reflections of this process of unfolding that are now occurring on nearly a daily basis. Just at the weekend, for example, I noticed a stone building by the river on a route that I’ve taken countless times over the nine years I have lived in my village. But I had never before taken any notice of the building. On Sunday I not only saw it, I went to explore. There I discovered the most beautiful ”˜lavoir’ (a covered area where the locals used to do their washing in years gone by) that had clearly been standing there for many lifetimes. There it was, an exquisite example of beauty and history right on my doorstep. Yet for so long it had simply been invisible to me.
As for my fear of becoming captive to the strength of the pain within? I now realize that I have been living my life as a prisoner for longer than I care to remember. The journey to cleanse my memories, my emotions, and my soul has ultimately proven to be my salvation.
So, for the journey, and for the real love that I am now feeling, I am once again inclined to thank my ex-husband, and all those who have done me harm over the years. I can’t begin to understand their intentions when they were being so cruel, but it doesn’t matter any more. What they did doesn’t matter any more either. Because whether it was intended or not, and whether because or in spite of their actions towards me, I have managed to find myself and re-connect to real love. The real love that was and always has been deep within me.
It turns out that it was not the ”˜bad stuff’ I was afraid of — it was the love. Not the darkness, but the light. Through diving in and facing my deepest fears, I have discovered the truth that it was no-one and no-thing that had been holding the real love back from me. In actual fact I had become my own jail-keeper. I had been holding myself prisoner over so many years. Even through years of forgiveness and self-development work, I had still been hiding my light under a bushel. It was me who’d denied myself the love and the light. I was the one who had closed myself off.
So, since I was the one who had locked the door I was also the one who could open it and let in the sunshine. And as I continue to let the sunshine in, the sunshine continues to grow within me. And as the light grows within me, so my life fills with more and more love.
It was here all along. It always has been. I just didn’t know it. But now I do know it — and I also know that others share the same light. Like me, though, many are yet to discover their own brilliance. It’s there. And I’m here as living testimony that, no matter how impossible it may seem at times, there is indeed real love after the pain.
With deepest love to all. Thank you.
Yes, we have a right to choose whom we let to be closer and who can not or even we avoid. And there’s no necessity to even defend or explain it to those who show spath red flags.
Most of my clean-up after the spath has been only with regards to acquaintances really. Just last night I blocked someone from fb. He never personally treated me ill in any way, and he was an ‘acquaintance with benefits’ for a few years, about 6-8 years ago. His ex-girlfriend told me couple of years ago not to trust him, that he was a compulsive liar. A little over a year ago he became friends with me over facebook, and sometimes chats, sometimes to get a drink, introduce me to his new girlfriend… but it always remained superficial, and of his initiation only.Two weeks ago he asked me for advice whether he should go to the funeral of his ex-gfs father or not. Told him not to. Mentioned it to a regular friend of mine at the bar she works now (our old time decade long favourite one to meet up community friends), and she’s good friends with the ex-gf and revealed he’d been stalking the ex-gf for 3 years. Ever since I was considering defriending him, but wondering how to do it without raising drama and questions.
I had a chance to talk to the ex-gf herself yesterday night. She was shocked how he even had found out about her father’s death. Gave me some info on how he stalked her, some of his lies and how he had lived on her money for a while. How he of course made her out to be the crazy one needing therapy to his new girlfriend. And yes part of his lies, meant that at some point he lied to me too once we were mere acquaintances. I came home and this time realized I could perfectly avoid him contacting me in the future, simply by blocking him instead of defriending him. And that’s what I did.
It first starts out as doubting your past opinions about people, but becomes confidence in your present opinions about people. Yes, everyone is back up on the list for re-evaluation, but the evaluations for people you are just getting to know as well as those you already knew are healthy, well thought out and funded with background info. And for me at least those that pass the re-evaluation, passed it well.
Darwinsmom, social “networks” are a hotbed of stalking and harassment, and it’s great that you simply did this guy away without any fuss.
Yeah….the defensive mode is, for me, one of long-term conditioning. First, during my childhood, then with the first exspath, then with the second one, and everything in between.
Maybe, that’s what is so “uncomfortable” to me during this part of my recovery. I am so accustomed to defending myself for good and bad choices/decisions, that it’s alien to me to NOT be in this frantic mode of defensive explanations. I don’t HAVE to defend myself (CAPS, of course, are simply for emphasis and not to be construed as online shouting), not anymore.
Although it’s somewhat “uncomfortable,” it’s also a weird sort of thrill associated with the non-defense thing. It’s not so much a posture as an awakening (?) that I am not required to explain myself to anyone or defend my actions when I know – I am cognizant – that I’ve made decisions that are sound, even if they’re not perfect.
Good discussion, here. And, I’m so glad that you’re not enmeshed with that FB person. One less moron to manage!
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak, not having to defend yourself sounds to me like you are starting to accept yourself and maybe letting go of the need for validation from others. I have been watching when I get into defensive mode to see which part of my ego was triggered. It’s an interesting process and one which, I believe, leads to freedom.
So, so true. The minute we flip into defense mode, they have us! I’m trying to understand why that is so….I guess, because it requires, ENERGY, and it is an effort to convince THEM, that we are really ok….this actually shows them that WE DOUBT OURSELVES, and value their opinion of us more than we value our own KNOWLEDGE that we are ok. If WE really believed we were ok, we could shrug our shoulders and say, “ok. Sorry you feel that way. See ya.” In therapy, I pretty much learned how to do just that.
And it is empowering…and it throws the cog-dis right back on the blame shifter…they are taken totaly off gaurd…they are not used to that. It takes the wind right out of their sail, so to speak….they are left shaking their heads, up to their eye-balls in a WTF moment.
Their is no energy to zap, and the encounter is effectively nipped at the bud.
Thruthspeak,
It’s a tough process letting go of this (self)imposed ‘must explain myself, defend myself’… I have noticed though the past half year, that especially in situations where it’s absolutely normal to give consequences without explanation (in front of the classroom) that it had a much better more effective result, and that actually NOBODY questioned me at all about it.
In contrast, as soon as if I try to explain my reasons for a decision, then it becomes more difficult to convince anyone else.
It’s as if the act of defending yourself, certainly pre-emptively, makes people doubt you more and that it makes them think there must be reasons why you feel you need to defend yourself, and that if you feel you must defend yourself, you therefore must doubt your own decision. Defending yourself has the opposite effect.
So, I conscously avoid or stop doing it at all for what seem total reasonable decisions to me. Yes, its an awakening. It starts with realizing for yourself you don’t need to explain that particular action and decision for yourself, because circumstances speak for themselves. And you end up learning that it actually has the effect that nobody questions you at all.
I must admit this was the first instance where I had to decide amost based purely on hearsay, because this acquaintance never really wronged me personally. But he was of little consequence to me, and I felt uncomfortable about chatting with him over the months, including sometimes pretending I wasn’t at the puter at all. But I can see how he could use me in order to render himself a believable mask to others and try to get info on other acquaintances of mine. While I don’t know his ex-gf well, some of her good friends are my regular friends, and I do not want to be unwittingly used to pentetrate my own approved social network for his cyber stalking. Besides, how silly is it to keep someone as a friend on facebook and must pretend you’re not at the puter, while they have no importance in your life whatsoever… I realized how stupid that was, and I don’t need to take his feelings into account at all. That’s what gave me the idea of blocking him. When he’s fb blocked he can’t find my profile on facebook, cannot even check who I am friends with, and will not notice at first that I cut him out of the periferie.
Being put on the defensive, is an automatic power-play. You are immediatly the under-dog, begging the ONE in authority to accept that you are worthy. It takes the focus off the blamer, criticiser, finger pointer, spath…what-ever, and shifts the focus onto you. Spaths and narcissists are masters at this. They will goad you into a response, if they can, and the best thing you can do is remind yourself that you have a right to hold your toungue. No one has a right to demand a response from you.
You maintain your own bubble and no-one zaps your precious energy.
This discussion fall’s right in line with what the Marine did to me. Sure, he wasnt out to murder me. I think it was more of a uncontrolable reaction to his rage and perhaps a gesture on his part to let me know he dissaprove’s of me. It put’s me on the defensive and like Kim said if I told the lady or anybody else for that matter what he did I would come off as crazy. Like I have a motive, I dont, I have nothing to gain and everything to lose. But still he is in control, I have to keep my mouth shut or find a new job..
This has triggered memories of how the xspath bf operated.
I am even wondering if ya’ll believe me….why is it so important to be believed when we know what happened?
Hen’s, his slime is working over-time…WE BELIEVE YOU.
He’s a F’ing creep and he tried to intimidate you, by coming staight at you in a car, with a look of rage on his face. Then he establishes the WTF inside you, by telling her how appreciative he is for all that you do, knowing she will be happy to pass that on to you, and you are left swimming in the cog-dis, even to the point of wondering whether we believe you. It’s text-book gas-lighting, Hen’s, so stop doubting yourself. YOU know what happened.
Thank you Kim. I am going for a swim to wash off the slime and get in a better frame of mind. Thank you .
Hens, I think it’s so important to us exactly because we are without doubt social beings. While we are individuals, being human also means to socially interact and implies social acceptance. I think that in order to feel human in our deepest being we need social acceptance of other humans. No matter how individualistic we may be, no matter how much we may believe in ourselves and love ourselves it’s part of our natural programming to want social, or at least in part, acceptance of ourselves, which includes our experiences.
The first time I went to Mexico, which was just a week at Mexico City, I fell in love with Latin America, Mexico particularly. That was ’98. I kept coming back and over the years hated more and more to return to Belgium. In my culture nobody says hello to you on the street. Nobody smiles, nods their head or wishes you a goodday. One could say it’s because of hte cold and rain most of the time. But even on gay days in the summer with the son out and all of Belgium sits outside on a terrace bar at some square or corner people will hardly ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR EXISTENCE (emphasis only). If you do look people in the eye, smile and say hello to them, you get a weird look back as if you must be some nutter. Only 1 out of 10 will actually smile back (after initial surprise) and walk the next 100 yards with a grin on their face. Personally I think it’s because we grew to be a very reserved people in public because we’ve been trampled over by foreign armies ever since Caesar had his conquering eye on us. From around 50BC until 1945 did we have one foreign boss after the other. That’s 2000 years. It’s safer to remain unnoticed. Once you do enter a bar, or a shop and certainly once you’re introduced we open up, and when we invite someone into our home we can be very warm people. And when we invite someone it is 100% sincere. We never invite someone out of politeness.
Once I went to Latin America the first noticeable difference is that everybody talks to you, greets you, smiles at you… It doesn’t matter whether they’ll get to know you, whether you’re beautiful or having a bad hair day, young or old , caucasian or hispanic. It took me several years to realize that I liked it so much exactly because it gave a feeling of basic recognition of my humanity, whereas at home on the street I would feel like an unseen ghost. It helped me to make my peace with Belgian street attitude once I understood why Belgians treat unknown people on the street like ghost.
Anyhow, this gave me the idea how basic it is for me and generally most people to feel socially accepted as a human being. And the more socioally inclined a person is (that is the more of an empath) the more it’s in our basic programming.
So, I do think it’s a lifelong exercise to remind ourselves that we don’t need to defend ourselves, don’t need to explain ourselves, have the right to decide and judge based on what we experienced even if nobody else would believe it, etc… It does get easier, but every time again we’ll have to overcome the natural inclination of feeling guilty and explain why we would cut someone of out of our social world, in other words deny them their humanity – the worst thing people can ever do to us.