When I think sociopath, I think this: as a pattern, he is willing, with awareness (hence, with intellect intact) to hurt people, or leave them feeling violated, in order to pursue hisĀ gratifications and interests which, for him, are always more important than the pain his pursuit of them inflicts on others.
Malice (as I’ve written about elsewhere) may or may not be a motive or factor. It’s true that for some sociopaths the gratifications they seek are predatory-based; for these sociopaths, the process of exploiting others becomes central in their violating behavior.
But this isn’t true for all sociopaths, many of whom are not driven, primarily, by a malicious or sadistic agenda.Ā
For many, if not all, sociopaths, the core motive driving their behavior is to satisfy a present impulse, desire, or felt need. But the problem with sociopathsāand surely one of their distinguishing, defining qualitiesāis the alarming indifference they bring to the collatoral damage they cause others, about which, at least intellectually, they have awareness.
This speaks, of course, to the sociopath’s deficient empathy and tendency to callousness. But again, the deficient empathy by itself isn’t so telling; more telling are the empathic deficits in connection with the pattern, and the sociopath’s intellectual comprehension, of his grossly violating behaviors.Ā
I stress that it is this confluence of the sociopath’s intellectual awareness of the damageĀ his pattern of violating behaviors causes others, coupled with his striking emotional indifference to his damage-causing behaviors, that seems to announce we are dealing with a peculiar personality called āsociopathic.ā
For the sociopath, interpersonal commitments can be maintained so long as they don’t interfere with the pursuit of his targeted present gratifications, or relief. But just as soon as the sociopath perceives a commitment or agreement to interfere with his present agenda, it becomes, for him, effectively null and void. The previous commitment and agreement are now utterly discardable and meaningless.
Whereas the nonsociopath would feel some shame, some uneasiness, to suddenly, unilaterally blow-off, and render nonbinding, a commitment he made to someone else, the sociopath feels relatively untroubled doing so. Why?
One reason is this: Whatever, in the sociopath’s mind, emerges as interfering with his present, immediate interest(s)ābe it previously accepted obligations, commitments, responsibilities, and, yes, relationshipsāthese become experienced, for the sociopath, as presently obstructive, and thereby antogonistic to his current agenda.
Therefore, he now feels the right, in effect, to protect himself against the assault of intrusions and unwelcome constraints to his agenda, whatever their source. He protects himself (and his interests) by, metaphorically, flipping his middle finger at these unwelcome disturbances to the pursuit of his immediate interests.
The sociopath feels entitled to do this! In his mind, things, or you, have gotten in his way. This makes him, in a sense, the victim, and you, or whatever now obstructs his agenda, his victimizer.
Yes, this is an extremely narcissistic position, and yes, the sociopath embodies narcissism in its most virulent form.
Let’s look at an arbitrary example: If you were to ask a sociopath, āHow could you have just, blatantly, without shame, left your āĖdate’ waiting at that restaurant, where you arranged to meet at 8 pm, and never showed up, and never even called to say you weren’t showing up,?ā here are some things he might say, versus what he might have really been thinking:
He might say, āYou are right. That was inexcusable. I should not have done that.ā (Reflecting his intellectual awareness of the social inappropriateness of his behavior.)
But he might be thinking, āI left her there because I had a chance to go out with that cashier I’d been scouting at the CVS for the last couple weeks; and I sure as hell wasn’t gonna let that opportunity pass. I wasn’t gonna let her (my date) stand in the way of my pursuing a better, more exciting opportunity.ā
Or, he might say, āYeah, I should have at least called. That would have been right.ā. (Reflecting his intact intellect)
But he might be thinking, āCalling her would have taken time out of my life at that moment, when I was concentrating on my present priority, which was to impress and seduce this cashier. I did not want to be hindered in my present agenda. I should never have to be hindered in my agenda, and anything, or anyone, that hinders me by introducing inconvenient expectations of me is obstructing me and antagonizing me. So if she was pissed off and hurt that I blew her off, too bad. She became a nuisance.ā
When the sociopath feels the need to rationalizeāand he is so narcissistic that he may not even feel the need to do soāthis is the kind of rationalizing he does. His present needs are always preeminent, and he feels little, if ever any, conflict about this. He is comfortable making, experiencing, his present needs as preeminent regardless of what this means to the needs, and expectations, of others around him.
In a split second he is willing, if necessary for his own, latest chance at gratification, to devalue and ignore his obligations to others.Ā And he does this from the sense that this is his most basic privilege; it makes absolute, comfortable sense to him.Ā Ā
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
Ox Drover
Dear Jeannie,
DUH!!! I THINK YOU PICKED UP A PSYCHOPATH and diagnosed him quickly….go back to that “list of 10 things that says you are dating a psychopath” which ONE did he not have? I don’t see any he missed!
GOOD FOR YOU!!!! TAKE A BOW!!!! You get the GOLD SKILLET AWARD for being alert and smart!!!! TOWANDA!!! TOWANDA AGAIN!!!! Take another bow!!!!
jeannie812
Thank you Skylar, One_Step, and Ox Drover,
My first reaction to your posts was: I really wasn’t smart in this. I wasn’t attracted to him. My lack of attraction kept me out of his bed so I never bonded with him. I was on high alert to the signs.
But, then I thought about it…and yeah! spath!!!
One_Step: The Blue Toenail of death. Let’s not concern over his weight and wheezing, or how he gets winded after slowly walking a few feet. He wants to talk about my blue toe nail that doesn’t exist.
Skylar: I don’t know of Darren Brown and blue toe nail. But, I gotta say you pointed out something important. John complained a lot about how his income decreased by more than half when his wife died. Also, he pointed out in every date that he has no money. I had forgot to mention that in post and forgot to mention it was another reason (among many) to break it off with him. I could just picture this ugly fat old man demanding sex with handicap privileges, and he says I gotta pay money for our dates too. Wow, you people are “on the mark”!!!
Thank you Ox Drover. I will take a bow when I avoid the one I am attracted to. I will take your advice and I’m back to the drawing board. Looking at the 10 things that states..
Really thank you people. You put it out there so it is so clear!
Ox Drover
Dear Jeannie,
YOu deserve the bow even if you weren’t attracted to him.
I ROTFLMAO AT THE “SEX WITH HANDICAPPED PRIVILEGES”
That is THE funniest line on LF this WEEK! snarf choke snort lol
Ox Drover
Say, were is EB this weekend! I know she didn’t have a date, so where is she hiding? EBBBBBBBB-BBB where areeeee you!!!!!
ErinBrock
Eb’s here……
Jeannie……can we say GLORY HOLE?
YUCK!
Good for you! You deserve a bow darlen. He hit on alot of characteristics…..and then the undermining, self doubting statement of the BLUE TOENAIL…….it’ll be blue when I shove it up your ass if you call me again bucko!
Kudos!! Kudos!
libelle
Dear Steve, thank you for another great article! and all the contributers to the blog (Jupiter, SHMS, Oxy, Shabby, Hens, One, EB, Skylar, Callista, WhyMe, Enigma, LIG, MiLo, Chinagirl, Bluejay,Kim, Pollyanna, Schnoodle, Hurtnomore, Stolen-innocence, hopefully I did not leave out some blogger; wow, LF is thriving!!)
This blog about sums it up, the tedious laborious work to dig layer after layer in the cellar of the soul and clean the shelves and put on the light. Another A-ha-moment. Another “I am not alone in this”. Another putting into perspective and finding another signpost along the way to recovery, towards real peace of mind.
I have been to a conference last week and bumped into my former N-boss, his mistress who got my job AND the “friend” who tried to con me. In the last moment I could prevent encounters with them (NC!!). But it was close, and I realised that I am not nearly there where I hoped to be. I was prepared to do the potted plant treatment when I happened to sit at the same table with them, but fortunately this cup bypassed me.
Then I had 4 relaxing days of wonderful vacation with an old friend in the mountains, hiking, slobbing out, wellness, fine food, no diet.
And now I am back home needing a refresher in “LF”-ology. You are such an amazing group of people, and the spirit of this blog with the contributions of so many fine, great and caring people is just overwhelming! Thank you!
My life is good most of the time, besides some moments when I am bumping into former coworker spaths, or get emails from fomer cyberspaths (happened 10 days ago! A man I met in person 15 years ago in person and had a “Cyber-relationship” for 12 months until another woman informed me that he was a married predator and I blocked him mailed me out of the blue! I put him in the spam-file immediately)
Work is good, the toxic family is complaining that I am not “so easily available” (like with Hurtnomore: the complaints go in circles: father complains to sister, she tells mother, mother informs me; I call my mother once a week, the others I do not call as they always have some “duty” or “complaints”, and father wants infos about me for his buddies to tell them on Golf rounds, to fake a happy family life)
This week I am refurbishing my “home office”, so I can get the last boxes with all the papers and the stuff I did not need till now (Christmas decoration and the like) from the parents as they are complaining that my things occupy too much space. Then I am really independent!
I wish you all the best, and thanks for all the insight and helping me putting the jigsaw pieces in the right place to make the big picture somewhat more recognisable. Take care!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
libelle- bueno bueno bueno!!! hugs,
one steo
hens
jeannie – 5′ 6” tall and weighs 300 pounds? Oh MY that wasn’t a sociopath that was a whale —Girl you need some glasses.~!
hens
libelle – Thank you for sharing. I guess one of the good things that happens to us after the Life Lesson, is discovering ourselves, what could be better?
Ox Drover
Dear Libelle,
So GOOD to hear from you dear! I had been wondering how you were doing in your new apartment and new job etc.! I love hearing that you were at the conference and PREPARED in case you ended up bumping into them! That should make you very proud of yourself.
I also think you are handling your toxic family well too—your description of the gamey behavior of complaining about you from family member to family member is almost funny once you get past the point of letting it ruin your life.
For me it is so nice to be out of that game! NC is the only way I can do it, but for those of you who can do it with LIMITED contact, that is wonderful! You are a strong woman Libelle! TOWANDA!!!! ((((hugs))))