When I think sociopath, I think this: as a pattern, he is willing, with awareness (hence, with intellect intact) to hurt people, or leave them feeling violated, in order to pursue hisĀ gratifications and interests which, for him, are always more important than the pain his pursuit of them inflicts on others.
Malice (as I’ve written about elsewhere) may or may not be a motive or factor. It’s true that for some sociopaths the gratifications they seek are predatory-based; for these sociopaths, the process of exploiting others becomes central in their violating behavior.
But this isn’t true for all sociopaths, many of whom are not driven, primarily, by a malicious or sadistic agenda.Ā
For many, if not all, sociopaths, the core motive driving their behavior is to satisfy a present impulse, desire, or felt need. But the problem with sociopathsāand surely one of their distinguishing, defining qualitiesāis the alarming indifference they bring to the collatoral damage they cause others, about which, at least intellectually, they have awareness.
This speaks, of course, to the sociopath’s deficient empathy and tendency to callousness. But again, the deficient empathy by itself isn’t so telling; more telling are the empathic deficits in connection with the pattern, and the sociopath’s intellectual comprehension, of his grossly violating behaviors.Ā
I stress that it is this confluence of the sociopath’s intellectual awareness of the damageĀ his pattern of violating behaviors causes others, coupled with his striking emotional indifference to his damage-causing behaviors, that seems to announce we are dealing with a peculiar personality called āsociopathic.ā
For the sociopath, interpersonal commitments can be maintained so long as they don’t interfere with the pursuit of his targeted present gratifications, or relief. But just as soon as the sociopath perceives a commitment or agreement to interfere with his present agenda, it becomes, for him, effectively null and void. The previous commitment and agreement are now utterly discardable and meaningless.
Whereas the nonsociopath would feel some shame, some uneasiness, to suddenly, unilaterally blow-off, and render nonbinding, a commitment he made to someone else, the sociopath feels relatively untroubled doing so. Why?
One reason is this: Whatever, in the sociopath’s mind, emerges as interfering with his present, immediate interest(s)ābe it previously accepted obligations, commitments, responsibilities, and, yes, relationshipsāthese become experienced, for the sociopath, as presently obstructive, and thereby antogonistic to his current agenda.
Therefore, he now feels the right, in effect, to protect himself against the assault of intrusions and unwelcome constraints to his agenda, whatever their source. He protects himself (and his interests) by, metaphorically, flipping his middle finger at these unwelcome disturbances to the pursuit of his immediate interests.
The sociopath feels entitled to do this! In his mind, things, or you, have gotten in his way. This makes him, in a sense, the victim, and you, or whatever now obstructs his agenda, his victimizer.
Yes, this is an extremely narcissistic position, and yes, the sociopath embodies narcissism in its most virulent form.
Let’s look at an arbitrary example: If you were to ask a sociopath, āHow could you have just, blatantly, without shame, left your āĖdate’ waiting at that restaurant, where you arranged to meet at 8 pm, and never showed up, and never even called to say you weren’t showing up,?ā here are some things he might say, versus what he might have really been thinking:
He might say, āYou are right. That was inexcusable. I should not have done that.ā (Reflecting his intellectual awareness of the social inappropriateness of his behavior.)
But he might be thinking, āI left her there because I had a chance to go out with that cashier I’d been scouting at the CVS for the last couple weeks; and I sure as hell wasn’t gonna let that opportunity pass. I wasn’t gonna let her (my date) stand in the way of my pursuing a better, more exciting opportunity.ā
Or, he might say, āYeah, I should have at least called. That would have been right.ā. (Reflecting his intact intellect)
But he might be thinking, āCalling her would have taken time out of my life at that moment, when I was concentrating on my present priority, which was to impress and seduce this cashier. I did not want to be hindered in my present agenda. I should never have to be hindered in my agenda, and anything, or anyone, that hinders me by introducing inconvenient expectations of me is obstructing me and antagonizing me. So if she was pissed off and hurt that I blew her off, too bad. She became a nuisance.ā
When the sociopath feels the need to rationalizeāand he is so narcissistic that he may not even feel the need to do soāthis is the kind of rationalizing he does. His present needs are always preeminent, and he feels little, if ever any, conflict about this. He is comfortable making, experiencing, his present needs as preeminent regardless of what this means to the needs, and expectations, of others around him.
In a split second he is willing, if necessary for his own, latest chance at gratification, to devalue and ignore his obligations to others.Ā And he does this from the sense that this is his most basic privilege; it makes absolute, comfortable sense to him.Ā Ā
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
jeannie812
Yoda,
Isn’t that the little guy from Lord of the Rings? The little guy with ears?
I have noticed I aged quickly in a few years. I know what did it. I was so miserable.
That will teach me! I used to be able to shower and towel dry my hair and I was a knock out.
I can’t get that back, but hopefully I can stop the age progression by NOT being miserable. Hopefully I don’t look 70 when I’m not yet 50.
Jeannie
Ox Drover
Dear Jeannie,
No, he is the little green guy with the huge ears that was a Jeddi knight in Star Wars. Very wise, but looked like a green prune with big pointy ears.
Well, darling, none of us look like we did when we were 20–or even 30—either, but you know, I would rather look like Yoda and know what I know now than to look like I did then and still be so STOOOOPID! I am a much better, more thoughtful, and kinder person now than I was then. I thought in those days that I knew the answer to ALL of life’s questions….now I realize I don’t even know all of the questions! LOL
But, knowing what you DON’T KNOW is a good start in this life, and that’s all I can do. (((hugs)))
StillHaveMySoul
I LOVE Yoda. I have a talking Yoda doll and several Yoda items.
āFear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.ā
Or remember when Luke had to go into the dark forrest. The forrest was a test.
āLuke asked: What’s in there?
Yoda answered: Only what you take with you.ā
Isn’t that so true for us, Sisters? We only have to face and deal with what we fear. It’s all about what’s inside US and NOT what is inside them.
Another line I love
ā[Luke:] I can’t believe it. [Yoda:] That is why you fail.ā
It’s because WE can’t believe this. WE don’t ACCEPT what we see in front of our eyes (like Luke watching Yoda making the rock float). WE don’t believe it and so we fail.
I am still struggling with believing it. The way this works, reminds me of the Eagles lyrics.
“I don’t know when I realized the dream was over
Well, there was no particular hour, no given day
You know, it didn’t go down in flame
There was no final scene, no frozen frame
I just watched it slowly fade away”
I WISH it was like a flip of a switch, but my senses and experience tell me otherwise. I just know that the more I think of him, the more I suffer. That’s only THINKING of him. Interacting with him is GUARANTEED agony.
The other line I love from the movie is
āA Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.ā
Basically meaning the more power we have, the less we need to use it against our enemies, because we see them as simply under developed souls.
As Yoda says, “Do or do not do, there is not try”.
“FEEL the force”, Sisters.
skylar
SHMS,
wow, great analogies!
I really like,
“Basically meaning the more power we have, the less we need to use it against our enemies, because we see them as simply under developed souls.”
can I quote you? it’s perfect.
that is my aim, gonna get there one day.
skylar
Interesting comments about getting older.
Earlier, someone posted a link to a song, “if it be your will” sung by a trans-sexual named Anthony. really awesome performance, so i googled him and read up.
He said that for many years beginning as a teenager he felt a strong need to look and be “pleasing to men”. It made him anorexic.
Having recently read info on how a hypnotist, Darren Brown, CONvinces people of truth in his lies, I realized that women are more often victims of predators because our culture raises us to be PLEASING to others, especially men. We are failures if we don’t have pleasing/pleasant features and mannerisms. HEY! it’s time we give that up. I can’t see myself ever changing, because I think 80% of my identity is wrapped up in that, but I hope that women will begin to train their daughters differently. Encourage them to wear nose rings, shave their heads and use black lipstick. We need to create a world that is inhospitable to the parasites. It begins here.
StillHaveMySoul
Skylar,
Quote away. Yup we all have lots of goals. We are aiming high.
Nite Sisters
Ox Drover
Dear SHMS,
“There is do and do not do, there is not try.” Yoda
Yep! Trying doesn’t get chit done! Sometimes the METHOD is what is off.
Jesus told his disciples that by FAITH they could MOVE MOUNTAINS…and we visualize saying “mountain move!” and it picks up and moves, but sometimes it is by FAITH that we pick up a SHOVEL and MOVE THE MOUNTAIN. Or sometimes, it is a spoon that we pick up to move the mountain with when we don’t even have a shovel, or we have to use our bare hands….it may take longer, but if our faith is great enough we can move mountains.
Standing there screaming “mountain move” and not shoveling dirt to me shows a lack of faith! We expect a “magic trick” when the shovel is the miracle! IF WE BELIEVE!
StillHaveMySoul
This may be semantics, but I think it’s beyond the feeling of “belief”, I think it’s a sense of KNOWING.
How goes the 1500 calorie meal plan?
Ox Drover
Yea, SHMS, I have actually MOVED MOUNTAINS—one spoonful at a time! (a little pun there!) š
The food plan is going well, I finally got unstuck at the place on the scale I had STUCK, like the number was glued on the scale…and so am working my way DOWN. Just the needle moving a bit today was a great encouragement! Made me want to jump and shout!!! Dance and sing!
It Raised my morale and I got out and did more!~ Which of course will help the weight go down. I’ve been pretty well sticking closely to the 1200-1500 range in calories and a fairly well balanced diet as well and I think my physical and emotional “eat-a-stats” are adjusting to this being a “normal” intake of food for now so my body isn’t screaming “STARVATION!!!!” at me all the time. LOL It has helped some that I am here alone this week and haven’t had to cook for my son–he doesn’t need to lose any weight! But it does make it easier to make my little mini-meals if I am not cooking for others, but even then I am learning to just take MEASURED portions. Weigh and measure everything so that helps! It is just like the stopping smoking it is something I KNOW I HAVE TO DO—and there’s no really good other options.
Just like NC (at least emotional NC) is necessary to healing, a certain amount of hunger is necessary to losing weight, and If I don’t lose the weight, I’ll lose my health. DUH! So make a wise choice or give in to temptation? Which is the BEST choice? What are the consequences of making a poor choice?
Doesn’t mean I won’t moan about wanting chocolate once in a while,, but not seriously! SERIOUSLY I am on the altered food plan because I KNOW, and I BELIEVE there is no other rational option.
StillHaveMySoul
Oxy,
Have you read, Women, Food & God?