When I think sociopath, I think this: as a pattern, he is willing, with awareness (hence, with intellect intact) to hurt people, or leave them feeling violated, in order to pursue hisĀ gratifications and interests which, for him, are always more important than the pain his pursuit of them inflicts on others.
Malice (as I’ve written about elsewhere) may or may not be a motive or factor. It’s true that for some sociopaths the gratifications they seek are predatory-based; for these sociopaths, the process of exploiting others becomes central in their violating behavior.
But this isn’t true for all sociopaths, many of whom are not driven, primarily, by a malicious or sadistic agenda.Ā
For many, if not all, sociopaths, the core motive driving their behavior is to satisfy a present impulse, desire, or felt need. But the problem with sociopathsāand surely one of their distinguishing, defining qualitiesāis the alarming indifference they bring to the collatoral damage they cause others, about which, at least intellectually, they have awareness.
This speaks, of course, to the sociopath’s deficient empathy and tendency to callousness. But again, the deficient empathy by itself isn’t so telling; more telling are the empathic deficits in connection with the pattern, and the sociopath’s intellectual comprehension, of his grossly violating behaviors.Ā
I stress that it is this confluence of the sociopath’s intellectual awareness of the damageĀ his pattern of violating behaviors causes others, coupled with his striking emotional indifference to his damage-causing behaviors, that seems to announce we are dealing with a peculiar personality called āsociopathic.ā
For the sociopath, interpersonal commitments can be maintained so long as they don’t interfere with the pursuit of his targeted present gratifications, or relief. But just as soon as the sociopath perceives a commitment or agreement to interfere with his present agenda, it becomes, for him, effectively null and void. The previous commitment and agreement are now utterly discardable and meaningless.
Whereas the nonsociopath would feel some shame, some uneasiness, to suddenly, unilaterally blow-off, and render nonbinding, a commitment he made to someone else, the sociopath feels relatively untroubled doing so. Why?
One reason is this: Whatever, in the sociopath’s mind, emerges as interfering with his present, immediate interest(s)ābe it previously accepted obligations, commitments, responsibilities, and, yes, relationshipsāthese become experienced, for the sociopath, as presently obstructive, and thereby antogonistic to his current agenda.
Therefore, he now feels the right, in effect, to protect himself against the assault of intrusions and unwelcome constraints to his agenda, whatever their source. He protects himself (and his interests) by, metaphorically, flipping his middle finger at these unwelcome disturbances to the pursuit of his immediate interests.
The sociopath feels entitled to do this! In his mind, things, or you, have gotten in his way. This makes him, in a sense, the victim, and you, or whatever now obstructs his agenda, his victimizer.
Yes, this is an extremely narcissistic position, and yes, the sociopath embodies narcissism in its most virulent form.
Let’s look at an arbitrary example: If you were to ask a sociopath, āHow could you have just, blatantly, without shame, left your āĖdate’ waiting at that restaurant, where you arranged to meet at 8 pm, and never showed up, and never even called to say you weren’t showing up,?ā here are some things he might say, versus what he might have really been thinking:
He might say, āYou are right. That was inexcusable. I should not have done that.ā (Reflecting his intellectual awareness of the social inappropriateness of his behavior.)
But he might be thinking, āI left her there because I had a chance to go out with that cashier I’d been scouting at the CVS for the last couple weeks; and I sure as hell wasn’t gonna let that opportunity pass. I wasn’t gonna let her (my date) stand in the way of my pursuing a better, more exciting opportunity.ā
Or, he might say, āYeah, I should have at least called. That would have been right.ā. (Reflecting his intact intellect)
But he might be thinking, āCalling her would have taken time out of my life at that moment, when I was concentrating on my present priority, which was to impress and seduce this cashier. I did not want to be hindered in my present agenda. I should never have to be hindered in my agenda, and anything, or anyone, that hinders me by introducing inconvenient expectations of me is obstructing me and antagonizing me. So if she was pissed off and hurt that I blew her off, too bad. She became a nuisance.ā
When the sociopath feels the need to rationalizeāand he is so narcissistic that he may not even feel the need to do soāthis is the kind of rationalizing he does. His present needs are always preeminent, and he feels little, if ever any, conflict about this. He is comfortable making, experiencing, his present needs as preeminent regardless of what this means to the needs, and expectations, of others around him.
In a split second he is willing, if necessary for his own, latest chance at gratification, to devalue and ignore his obligations to others.Ā And he does this from the sense that this is his most basic privilege; it makes absolute, comfortable sense to him.Ā Ā
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
Steve Becker, LCSW
NewLife, we shall have a chance, I hope, to further discuss. You are always posing challenging, important questions out of your own experiences which you process always with such thoughtfulness.
Oxy…I was just going to thank you, specifically, for your initial feedback, which means a lot to me (always) coming from you; and also the concise eloquence with which you shared your own insights.
Ox Drover
Dear Steve, your thanks made me gawruff (belly laugh in surprise) at your “accusing me of ” “CONCISE ELOQUENCE” LOL Concise—me????? the queen of the novel-length post? and Eloquence??? ROTFLMAO –Yer damn tootin’ I’m eloquent! LOL
Thanks Steve, I really DO think this is if not THE BEST then surely one of the top 5 articles on here!!!!! The clarity—and the simplicity of it—SPEAKS VOLUMES!!!!!!
chinagirl
Kim F and Polly-and Steve-
First, Steve, thanks for the article. It describes my experience exactly. I love the way you are able to concisely give a picture of what we have been dealing with.
Polly-I, too, think my ex wants me to commit suicide for the same reasons…to prove that I am the crazy one! always he was setting me up….picking a fight with me, bullying me, raging and then when I’d do something like ask him to pull the car over and walk home to get away from his crazy he’d then run to our friends and say “I am SOOO worried about her. She did ________” and make it out to be that I was acting bizaare and he only had my best interests at heart. I have had moments where I have felt suicidal….but I am stronger than that and would never do that to my children…plus whenever I am feeling my lowest I think suicide will let him win! NEVER!
Kim-your post is a great description of the fact we are all in different phases of discovery and getting out of denial. We all have different feelings and have put up with various kinds of betrayal and abuse. Mine was very much emotional abuse with a lot of raging. I think, however, it was a matter of time before he hit me. he couldn’t handle it when I became assertive and stopped the what I call “wench” behavior. Waiting on him and foot, not caring if he left me at the camp site for 12 hours. Some of that was due to my use of vicodin…escaping through vicodin and not caring…but when i got into recovery I realized I had given all my power away to him, and others, and when I changed my behavior he was none too pleased!
It became obvious to me that when the idea of my infertility became a reality that he was ‘done’ with me. I was discardable as Steve says in the article above. I have only realized that lately (the discardable thing) and it really makes sense to me now. I couldn’t understand what changed. Why during so much emotional duress of four miscarriages and infertility that he was meaner to me, not more loving. of course I didn’t know then that he has no empathy. He even admitted that, which seems surprising. He also would act like he wanted therapy, that he was willing to change. But after the 2nd year of therapy and no changes were made (except he took me off all the financial accounts! which was another coup for him) and beginning to talk about separation or something more drastic (the therapist said that if he were to go on the porn sites again that he would have to move out for 3 months–oh was he TICKED OFF about that. He then said to the therapist ‘well, then she should have to move out if she watches tv’!!! what? First, why is watching tv so bad, second I asked him if I was supposed to take my toddler to a motel? nutcase). He would then throw my recovery back in my face saying he stuck by me. I’d say well, I changed my behavior, that’s the difference. Nothing has changed with you. And he’d reply, “I am working on it”. That was his standard reply. So I supposed three years of I’m working on it was supposed to mean he was changing? He had no intention of changing because it was all me!
Looking at all of that history with him seems so insane now. I love what another poster said, can’t remember if it was this thread or a different one, but today she described her experience of slight loneliness of being alone, but that she hops into bed with her cocker spaniel and has freedom, peace from the nightmare of the sociopath. the way she described it was heaven to me! I feel some of that now, but I am still fighting against the set ups and the lies and slander from my ex and my spath brother. But, I am feeling more calm and stable internally then ever thanks for LF. I look for solutions and don’t stay in the problem which is where I was for 5 years…no wonder my ‘friends’ left me. I was a stressball, not able to see the positives or be grateful for anything. I like what OxD said to me the very first day. Start with gratitude and be grateful I have clean water to drink. It put things into perspective!!
chinagirl
Hi Hopeful! don’t worry about responding to my post to you…I get the need to check out of the site for a while. i do that, too, when I get overwhelmed by thinking too much!
Ox Drover
Dear Chinagirl,
I saw on the left that you responded to a comment I made on another thread….my computer connection is acting out again today and will only let the SHORT threads load completely so I can get to the “post a comment box”—so just wanted to let you know I saw the first 5 words of that response, but not the rest….I’ve got to get up from here and go to WORK some today…and quit focusing on lack of all the food I WANT!!! BS doing wonderful now just need to burn some adipose tissue (that’s FAT to the rest of you but sounds better to say “I have an excess of adipose tissue” than to say “I’M FAT!” LOL
Catch you guys later when I take a break!
ellejay
Wow. This took my breath away. Says it all really. This probably describes what everyone involved in one of these relationships can identify with, even if each of our circumstances are different.
It certainly hit home to me. Thanks Steve.
LJ
ellejay
And Ox, I agree, your posts are brilliant and very supportive of us less concisely eloquent individuals, lol š
Thank you continuing to give your support across the board.
LJ š
sistersister
I just had to post this: http://www.nydailynews.com/archives/news/2003/07/08/2003-07-08_kerry_s_lover_boy_told_to__p.html
If you’ve been following the New York state governor’s race, it seems the Republican challenger to sure-thing Democrat Andrew Cuomo is talking out his rear end about Cuomo’s supposed infidelity to former wife Kerry Kennedy. (Yeah, Kennedy.)
Well, meet Kennedy’s “other man,” Bruce Colley. Sounds quite spath-tic!
And guess what? All mention of this twist to the story — that it was Kennedy, not Cuomo, who fooled around — is blacked out from the New York Times and other current coverage, in spite of the fact that the Times mentions it a couple of times as an “ugly, public divorce.” You can’t even find original reports of it (July 2003) by doing a New York Times archive search — you have to go through links posted elsewhere.
Paladino’s ridiculous remark is currently the biggest story in the New York media — but there’s no backstory given. Obviously, even Cuomo doesn’t care to re-hash this event, even if he could score political points. (He’s scored some since without even going there.)
No kidding, spaths have power. The Kennedys have power. Bruce Colley has power. Cuomo . . . not so much, but it doesn’t seem to matter.
Ox Drover
Dear Sister,
Is it a surprise to you that the media TWISTS things? (that was a rhetorical question!) I am so disgusted by the politics in political stories and the slanting of stories by the media.
Unless it is simply a report on the weather, a flood, or anything less political, the “slants” give it are exciting, but not even close to being true! In an election year! I think the politicos AND the media reporters are ALL LIARS! We do have a “free press” FREE to slant it anyway you like if you own the press! UGH! That’s me grinding my teeth!
Thanks ellejay, if my posts are so great, why can’t I save the world? (that the enabler in me wanting to fix everything!) LOL
sistersister
In this case of media TWIST, there are not even any “comments” to the Paladino/Cuomo stories posted online. In other words, we are forbidden to set the record straight.