When I think sociopath, I think this: as a pattern, he is willing, with awareness (hence, with intellect intact) to hurt people, or leave them feeling violated, in order to pursue hisĀ gratifications and interests which, for him, are always more important than the pain his pursuit of them inflicts on others.
Malice (as I’ve written about elsewhere) may or may not be a motive or factor. It’s true that for some sociopaths the gratifications they seek are predatory-based; for these sociopaths, the process of exploiting others becomes central in their violating behavior.
But this isn’t true for all sociopaths, many of whom are not driven, primarily, by a malicious or sadistic agenda.Ā
For many, if not all, sociopaths, the core motive driving their behavior is to satisfy a present impulse, desire, or felt need. But the problem with sociopathsāand surely one of their distinguishing, defining qualitiesāis the alarming indifference they bring to the collatoral damage they cause others, about which, at least intellectually, they have awareness.
This speaks, of course, to the sociopath’s deficient empathy and tendency to callousness. But again, the deficient empathy by itself isn’t so telling; more telling are the empathic deficits in connection with the pattern, and the sociopath’s intellectual comprehension, of his grossly violating behaviors.Ā
I stress that it is this confluence of the sociopath’s intellectual awareness of the damageĀ his pattern of violating behaviors causes others, coupled with his striking emotional indifference to his damage-causing behaviors, that seems to announce we are dealing with a peculiar personality called āsociopathic.ā
For the sociopath, interpersonal commitments can be maintained so long as they don’t interfere with the pursuit of his targeted present gratifications, or relief. But just as soon as the sociopath perceives a commitment or agreement to interfere with his present agenda, it becomes, for him, effectively null and void. The previous commitment and agreement are now utterly discardable and meaningless.
Whereas the nonsociopath would feel some shame, some uneasiness, to suddenly, unilaterally blow-off, and render nonbinding, a commitment he made to someone else, the sociopath feels relatively untroubled doing so. Why?
One reason is this: Whatever, in the sociopath’s mind, emerges as interfering with his present, immediate interest(s)ābe it previously accepted obligations, commitments, responsibilities, and, yes, relationshipsāthese become experienced, for the sociopath, as presently obstructive, and thereby antogonistic to his current agenda.
Therefore, he now feels the right, in effect, to protect himself against the assault of intrusions and unwelcome constraints to his agenda, whatever their source. He protects himself (and his interests) by, metaphorically, flipping his middle finger at these unwelcome disturbances to the pursuit of his immediate interests.
The sociopath feels entitled to do this! In his mind, things, or you, have gotten in his way. This makes him, in a sense, the victim, and you, or whatever now obstructs his agenda, his victimizer.
Yes, this is an extremely narcissistic position, and yes, the sociopath embodies narcissism in its most virulent form.
Let’s look at an arbitrary example: If you were to ask a sociopath, āHow could you have just, blatantly, without shame, left your āĖdate’ waiting at that restaurant, where you arranged to meet at 8 pm, and never showed up, and never even called to say you weren’t showing up,?ā here are some things he might say, versus what he might have really been thinking:
He might say, āYou are right. That was inexcusable. I should not have done that.ā (Reflecting his intellectual awareness of the social inappropriateness of his behavior.)
But he might be thinking, āI left her there because I had a chance to go out with that cashier I’d been scouting at the CVS for the last couple weeks; and I sure as hell wasn’t gonna let that opportunity pass. I wasn’t gonna let her (my date) stand in the way of my pursuing a better, more exciting opportunity.ā
Or, he might say, āYeah, I should have at least called. That would have been right.ā. (Reflecting his intact intellect)
But he might be thinking, āCalling her would have taken time out of my life at that moment, when I was concentrating on my present priority, which was to impress and seduce this cashier. I did not want to be hindered in my present agenda. I should never have to be hindered in my agenda, and anything, or anyone, that hinders me by introducing inconvenient expectations of me is obstructing me and antagonizing me. So if she was pissed off and hurt that I blew her off, too bad. She became a nuisance.ā
When the sociopath feels the need to rationalizeāand he is so narcissistic that he may not even feel the need to do soāthis is the kind of rationalizing he does. His present needs are always preeminent, and he feels little, if ever any, conflict about this. He is comfortable making, experiencing, his present needs as preeminent regardless of what this means to the needs, and expectations, of others around him.
In a split second he is willing, if necessary for his own, latest chance at gratification, to devalue and ignore his obligations to others.Ā And he does this from the sense that this is his most basic privilege; it makes absolute, comfortable sense to him.Ā Ā
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
jeannie812, regarding your remark about the Wizard of Oz line above… “We are measured by how much we are loved”, I think that is so true that as children we take so much of what we hear to heart, and I thought that was great when Ali McGraw said “Love means never having to say your sorry” is meaningless and stupid!! Yay!!! Although as a kid I probably believed it. I have often thought of the songs I listened to as a kid, women singing songs of heartache and loneliness, too much!!! We didn’t have women singing songs like they do today, more powerful and kick-ass!!
Shabbychic
It prepared us to be suckers.
Jim was quick to prevent being caught by the camera. He would quickly correct himself to smile for the camera.
I tried to take a picture of him teasing my cat. He was so quick. He changed from evil face at the cat, to sweet face at the camera.
Dang, even if I can’t nail all the guys who screwed me over….. I would at least like to make Jim pay for what he did.
I can’t say I can succeed at making him pay. I’m just saying I would like to make him pay.
That is called the “mask” Jeannie, and they are so good at keeping it up…sometimes it is almost “quicker than the eye can see” or only dropped for MICRO-seconds and if you miss it you don’t know it is there it is such good camo.
Looking into their eyes at the moment the mask is down is very much like looking directly into Satan’s eyes. That is the only way I can describe it. I have seen that look ONLY on my P-son’s face, my X=BF’s face, my P-sperm donor, and even on my egg donor’s face, though she doesn’t have the other “markers” on the PCL-R to mark her a diagnosis of psychopath. She is none-the-less TOXIC!
OMG! that explains it perfectly!
They “correct” themself and look angelic.
I only saw the evil look a split second before the change.
Dear Jeannie,
There are so many things that are so similar in them, regardless of whether or not they are a 1 on the P scale (a small time creep) or a 10 on the P-scale (a serial killer) and it is odd but “the LOOK” is one of them. It is cold, satanic, mean, and no way to really describe it other than words like that. But, once you have seen it, YOU RECOGNIZE IT IMMEDIATELY. It is the “if looks could kill, I would have died on the spot” look.
Most of my “one liners” are not original, Jeannie, but thanks anyway. I do come up with a few good one liners now and then but I steal most of the ones I have.
I saw my P-son drop the mask once when he was frustrated with me, and it was like one second it was “But MOM, what would JESUS do????” and when that didn’t work, he was so frustrated and he looked at me with the LOOK and said “You wouldn’t like me so well if you knew the whole truth of my crime. it was a lot worse than the cops even knew” (THE LOOK!) then when I didn’t respond with fear, but I said (and this was pure shock on my part at seeing the LOOK, “What could be worse than murder? Did you rape her? Make her beg for her life? Burn her with cigarettes? What could be worse than blowing her brains out in cold blood” (or words to that effect)
Then he IMMEDIATELY PUT UP THE MASK and said “But MOM, what would Jesus do?”
I felt like I had been b1atch slapped with a bucket of ice water. That was the last time I saw him face to face. My son D was there and saw it too. He was as stunned as I was.
Son D (adopted) never lived with P-son as he came to us after P-son was in prison, so doesn’t really “know” him like the rest of the family, but P son has tried to manipulate him to do his bidding and “manage” me. P son is very jealous of son D as well. Son C has apparently no jealousy of son D, though son D no longer trusts son C since C lied to him and to me last year. C is not a psychopath, but I’m “done” with him because he is a liar and doesn’t keep his word and is not loyal to us. He is a follower and will follow whatever psychopath wants to take the lead. I’m done with people who are that way whether they are followers or leaders, doesn’t matter. If you can’t stand up for what is RIGHT and not lie or be dishonest or mean, I don’t need you in my life up close and personal.
It hurts very much that one son is a psychopath and the other one is a run-of-the-mill dysfunctional arsehole, but I have to recognize that because I will not put my trust in someone who has repeatedly shown they are NOT trustworthy.
I melted down last year in January and February because of cutting off son C from my “intimate circle of trust”—a philosopher, can’t remember who now (CRS) said “It isn’t that you lied to me that hurts so much, it is that now I can’t believe you” (or words to that effect!) I can’t believe him, can’t trust him, but I’m not afraid of him like I am P-son. He would not go out of his way to hurt me, or push me under the bus, but he wouldn’t warn me if the bus was being drive down on me by one of his friends. “OOPs, sorry. I should have warned you.”
Maybe that sounds harsh, but reality is harsh sometimes. Life can be less ideal than we wish it was, and people we love can be less than we wish they were, but I have found now that the less of that kind of person I have in my life the better off I am, the less drama and pain there is.
Gemini has two daughters who are both psychopathic and keep their grandkids away from her, I have no grandkids to be used like that (thank you God!) and Creampuff has a step dtr and a dtr who are both psychopaths, and there have been many others here who have psychopathic kids. Witsend comes here sometimes now, but has finally accepted that her soon to be 18 yr old son is a psychopath and there isn’t any way he is going to change.
Psychopathy is partly genetic and when we have children by the psychopaths or have psychopathic ancestors (in my case for several generations on both sides) kids turn out to be psychopathic even if they haven’t been raised by one. We do the best we can to be good parents, but genetics play a part that we sometimes can’t over come. My P son is so much like my P sperm donor, and they’ve never met, that it is mindboggling. Even their handwriting is the same. Facial expressions, attitudes, IQ etc. violence. (head shaking here) and my egg donor’s brother was as mean as a snake. An evil man. Great grandfather as well, and several generations behind him. Abusers and alcoholics, some alcoholics, some just dry abusers. Psychopathic in any case.
It is only in the last three years that I have started to realize the extent of the disorder in my life and my family’s history, and my sons’ father’s family as well. It give some sanity to it all, and then learning how I participated in it by enabling, now I am learning to quit participating in dishonesty by calling it what it is. By confronting those who are dishonest, abusive, and expelling them from my life. Up until the last few years I didn’t realize that if you were blood related you had an option to “divorce” family. LOL
Learning about THEM is the start, but learning about OURSELVES is the thing that gives I think the most benefit in healing. Realizing that I don’t have to take the abuse. I can stop it.
Seems simple enough, but is a huge step for me. As “uppity” as I am, I never realized what a door mat I really was. Forgiving myself was tough too. I expected myself to be perfect, but others could be horrible and still be okay. Now I realize I don’t have to be perfect, and others DO have to treat me with respect or get out of my life. I can make that choice. I have a choice.
We all do.
I almost became friends with a woman named “Gail”. She could be very nice and then ‘out of the blue’ she would turn face and get nasty and try to catch me in a lie.
I point out ‘catch me in a lie’ cause she told me about everyone she knows has lied to her.
She said she knows that they lied cause she is not stupid.
As I got to know Gail better I found that she would wait until I was absorbed in my story, and then she would interrupt me to ask about something I told her a week before. It caught me off guard that I couldn’t remember word for word, and then she had that suspecious tone. I knew I would be on her “liar” list.
It is like Gail could turn from nice to “spin the head around” and spit split pea soup.
Our friendship lasted about one month?
Usually people who persecute others for lying are liars themselves.
Gail does lie some, (like when she is caught turning in a neighbor to the electric company) She said she was just making a concerned phone call. but I think her real problem is the fear of looking stupid. And fear of looking imperfect.
Dear Jeannie,
Not everyone who is a liar is a psychopath, but psychopaths are ALL LIARS.
Sometimes “suspicious” people like “Gail” that are so intent on finding others in lies or “not appearing stupid” have been hurt and become defensive. That is easy enough to do and especially after we have been SO betrayed by the psychopaths.
That’s where I think we must learn to draw the line between HEALTHY boundaries and being suspicious of everyone.
HYPER-vigilance is a normal state after have been injured “out of the blue” by someone/thing you trusted.
If a particular horse had hurt me by kicking out at me I would be VERY cautious about going around its back end. If it did it to me several times, I’d get rid of the horse because I would never be able to trust it again.
NO matter WHAT the “reason” that horse kicked I couldn’t bet my life on it not kicking me in the head. Same with a big dog that bit—but a tiny dog that nipped I would not be so afraid of it biting me because no matter how it tried it couldn’t really SERIOUSLY injure me or take my life, but if that dog weighed 100+ pounds I would be more likely to get rid of it after the first time or two it GROWLED at me, much less bit at me. So you have to weigh the odds of serious damage vs. benefit in keeping the “relationship” whether it is a horse, dog or a spouse.
We have a joking but very REAL rule around this farm, if something is “BIGGER AND MEANER” than I am it goes! Period.
I can handle something that is smaller than I am and meaner, but not something that is bigger AND meaner than I am. So large livestock that show any sign of aggression are culled out at the first sign of aggression (not defensive aggression, but rule the roost aggression) but smaller things are given another chance as the consequences of giving them a second chance are not as bad. I had an oxen once that started kicking and I didn’t cull him out (send him to the slaughter house) until after the THIRD KICK where he was trying to take someone’s head off.
My mistake. I will never do that again. With animals that are aggressive sometimes there is a way to “quiet them down” but other times not….I don’t take chances with large aggressive animals. NOT worth it. Too much danger.
My little Jack Russell Terrier will snap at me when I trim his toenails and so I just muzzle him when I am going to trim his nails. No big deal. But if my horse reached out to bite me aggressively for ANY reason, she’s a gonner. I am the alpha dog around here with large livestock, it is the only way to survive in one piece. But I am learning to not put up with AGGRESSION from anything or any ONE.
No matter what “caused” the aggression or the dishonesty, whether it was their mother didn’t breast feed them or they were harshly potty trained….tooooo bad, soooo sad, I don’t need it. Not my job to fix them.
I liked that thing someone said the other day about how we had learned to FUNCTION in our DYS-FUNCTION, and I realized that was what I had done. Functioned in my dysfunction my entire life. So another piece of the puzzle fits into the spot and the picture is getting more clear. That’s why I stay at LF I keep on learning stuff every day. Ka-ching!!!!
i read something the other day, don’t remember where: ‘ all pathological liars are predators, spath or not.’ thought that was a keeper.