When I think sociopath, I think this: as a pattern, he is willing, with awareness (hence, with intellect intact) to hurt people, or leave them feeling violated, in order to pursue hisĀ gratifications and interests which, for him, are always more important than the pain his pursuit of them inflicts on others.
Malice (as I’ve written about elsewhere) may or may not be a motive or factor. It’s true that for some sociopaths the gratifications they seek are predatory-based; for these sociopaths, the process of exploiting others becomes central in their violating behavior.
But this isn’t true for all sociopaths, many of whom are not driven, primarily, by a malicious or sadistic agenda.Ā
For many, if not all, sociopaths, the core motive driving their behavior is to satisfy a present impulse, desire, or felt need. But the problem with sociopathsāand surely one of their distinguishing, defining qualitiesāis the alarming indifference they bring to the collatoral damage they cause others, about which, at least intellectually, they have awareness.
This speaks, of course, to the sociopath’s deficient empathy and tendency to callousness. But again, the deficient empathy by itself isn’t so telling; more telling are the empathic deficits in connection with the pattern, and the sociopath’s intellectual comprehension, of his grossly violating behaviors.Ā
I stress that it is this confluence of the sociopath’s intellectual awareness of the damageĀ his pattern of violating behaviors causes others, coupled with his striking emotional indifference to his damage-causing behaviors, that seems to announce we are dealing with a peculiar personality called āsociopathic.ā
For the sociopath, interpersonal commitments can be maintained so long as they don’t interfere with the pursuit of his targeted present gratifications, or relief. But just as soon as the sociopath perceives a commitment or agreement to interfere with his present agenda, it becomes, for him, effectively null and void. The previous commitment and agreement are now utterly discardable and meaningless.
Whereas the nonsociopath would feel some shame, some uneasiness, to suddenly, unilaterally blow-off, and render nonbinding, a commitment he made to someone else, the sociopath feels relatively untroubled doing so. Why?
One reason is this: Whatever, in the sociopath’s mind, emerges as interfering with his present, immediate interest(s)ābe it previously accepted obligations, commitments, responsibilities, and, yes, relationshipsāthese become experienced, for the sociopath, as presently obstructive, and thereby antogonistic to his current agenda.
Therefore, he now feels the right, in effect, to protect himself against the assault of intrusions and unwelcome constraints to his agenda, whatever their source. He protects himself (and his interests) by, metaphorically, flipping his middle finger at these unwelcome disturbances to the pursuit of his immediate interests.
The sociopath feels entitled to do this! In his mind, things, or you, have gotten in his way. This makes him, in a sense, the victim, and you, or whatever now obstructs his agenda, his victimizer.
Yes, this is an extremely narcissistic position, and yes, the sociopath embodies narcissism in its most virulent form.
Let’s look at an arbitrary example: If you were to ask a sociopath, āHow could you have just, blatantly, without shame, left your āĖdate’ waiting at that restaurant, where you arranged to meet at 8 pm, and never showed up, and never even called to say you weren’t showing up,?ā here are some things he might say, versus what he might have really been thinking:
He might say, āYou are right. That was inexcusable. I should not have done that.ā (Reflecting his intellectual awareness of the social inappropriateness of his behavior.)
But he might be thinking, āI left her there because I had a chance to go out with that cashier I’d been scouting at the CVS for the last couple weeks; and I sure as hell wasn’t gonna let that opportunity pass. I wasn’t gonna let her (my date) stand in the way of my pursuing a better, more exciting opportunity.ā
Or, he might say, āYeah, I should have at least called. That would have been right.ā. (Reflecting his intact intellect)
But he might be thinking, āCalling her would have taken time out of my life at that moment, when I was concentrating on my present priority, which was to impress and seduce this cashier. I did not want to be hindered in my present agenda. I should never have to be hindered in my agenda, and anything, or anyone, that hinders me by introducing inconvenient expectations of me is obstructing me and antagonizing me. So if she was pissed off and hurt that I blew her off, too bad. She became a nuisance.ā
When the sociopath feels the need to rationalizeāand he is so narcissistic that he may not even feel the need to do soāthis is the kind of rationalizing he does. His present needs are always preeminent, and he feels little, if ever any, conflict about this. He is comfortable making, experiencing, his present needs as preeminent regardless of what this means to the needs, and expectations, of others around him.
In a split second he is willing, if necessary for his own, latest chance at gratification, to devalue and ignore his obligations to others.Ā And he does this from the sense that this is his most basic privilege; it makes absolute, comfortable sense to him.Ā Ā
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
I have been reading much of the articles and posts on LB for about 4 weeks now and this is my first post.
This article really hit home. When I first began to read about narcissism and sociopaths I connected many of the behaviors and personality traits with my ex, but like so many others, I didn’t believe he was intentionally causing harm or malice to me. This article most clearly resonates with my experience.
My ex ended our relationship just over a year ago and promptly left town. We were together for 2 years and during this time I was truly happy to be loving him, felt destined to have met him and I believed in our friendship and what I thought was an honest connection. He did ‘love bomb’ me in the beginning, but not in a creepy way and I believed he was also falling in love with me, but he began to intermittently withdraw affection after about 4 months which gave him a lot of power in the relationship. He never gave me false promises and would more often talk about non-attachment and no expectations from all external sources (including relationships) as a path to enlightenment.
I have always considered life as a spiritual journey, so it wasn’t hard for me to believe he was on a similar path. What I didn’t see (which this article has helped to clarify for me), is that he uses this as an excuse for permission to himself for feeling entitled to do what he wants, when and how he wants to do it, without emotional regard for how others are left feeling by his actions.
Our relationship developed because of intense compatibility, our interests were meshed from the start. Creatively we formed a partnership doing together what has always been my first love and strongest creative expression – playing music. We wrote together, formed a band and felt the same about our aspirations and musical goals. He also gave me the opportunity and encouragement to pursue a career direction which I was trying to develop and after we began living together, formed a business partnership which perfectly combined both of our talents.
Aside from apparent difficulties with emotional intimacy (which I believed we both cared enough about our relationship to work on together), everything was going well… or so I thought.
When he left it was sudden. Within 2 or 3 months he changed from being who I considered a best friend, a caring and supportive partner into someone cold and distant. If I tried to talk to him about it i would be accused of invading his space, not respecting his needs or not accepting him for who he really was. He said I wanted sex too much, was in love with a fantasy and that I needed something from without of myself in order to feel happy and validated. I was hurt and confused, I began questioning everything, my self esteem took a dive and his ‘rejection’ of me was creating insecurity and self doubt.
All along I had tried so hard to remain emotionally self sufficient, loving and accepting, to be the best I could be and to forgive any hurtful behavior, trusting that with communication and love, our relationship could rise above his intimacy and emotional limitations which were likely caused by the childhood abuse he suffered.
When he ended our relationship, he said he was leaving for my own good, that I deserved to be with a man who could love me the way I wanted to be loved. I was left feeling there was something too demanding about the kind of love I needed, that I ruined things because of it and that he’d still be here if only…
It has been a long road of healing. This article has helped me to see that he can have intellectual intent enough to come off as aware and enlightened, and still be so disconnected to what is really going on, to continue selfishly hurting others just to satisfy what he thinks he wants or needs at any given moment.
When he left me, he left a lot of other people too… he has few good friends and I’m beginning to understand now why. He abandoned me so severely, our business, our music, our future plans. For the first six months he would come back into town to play shows with our band that we had scheduled, then after the last gig we were making plans to record, but that was last winter and he hasn’t even communicated since with the other band members to let them know what’s going on with him (he’s the band leader).
We have been continuing the business we started, though living in different towns now that has been difficult and progress is slow. I am in contact with him still because of this, though be both refrain from talking about anything except business.
I found out a few months after he left that he went directly into a new relationship in the town he moved to. He lied to me about it, but after I found out for sure, he said he lied “because he was worried about me and didn’t want to hurt me further”. He has since left that relationship and I don’t know if he is with someone else now or not. I know better than to inquire about these things, since he told me months ago I shouldn’t care anymore and frankly I’m trying not too.
I believed and sometimes still do that we were destined to be together. I still feel sadness most days and miss him and what we both enjoyed while together. I have little interest in being with anyone else romantically and have lost much of my drive and creative motivation. I haven’t been able to write a song and even playing my guitar on my own now has been almost unbearably painful. I seem to have lost the will to imagine a future where I’ll ever be with anyone again who’ll I’ll feel so much and so ‘right’ with.
The way he was able to just leave and move on as if caring no longer for anything about our lives together has hurt me deeply. I am grateful I found this blog, at least i am starting to see that nothing I could have done would have been enough to make him want to love me enough to stay. If anything, maybe he loved me enough to leave…
thanks for allowing me to share…
Dear Jupiter,
Welcome to LoveFraud, and I hope you will stick around for a while. Learning about how they relate (or don’t as the case may be) and waht they are/think helps, and the journey starts out about them but ends up about ourselves and our healing paths.
It isn’t easy and it isn’t short, but the journey is about GROWTH. This is a very caring community and you are welcome here, because the members DO understand what kind of trauma you have been through.
Thank you for posting and sharing your story with the LF community! Again, welcome, and God bless!
Thanks Ox Drover, and thanks also to Steve Becker for this article which helps shine a light on those sociopaths not so obviously defined as such.
Jupiter, I just read your post, OMG! I was with a man whom I consider to be a narcissist… and he is a musician also! He said basically the same thing to me “someone else can make you happy”. He left very suddenly. Then a few months later when I was down and out… I became involved with a toxic man (spath). I was with the N for 14 years, then the spath for 1 year.
I feel better now than I did before, it certainly takes time, I am sure your love of music is still there!!! I want to cry for you.. that playing your guitar is so painful.
I hope you will stay and keep reading here at LF, and keep posting… it helps you get better, it has helped me a lot. Helps you learn about yourself and learn to recognize the red flags and BS.
It’s been 3 years since I broke up with the narcissist. I just recently threw away a huge bag of photos and video’s I had taken of him performing… I did have a brief thought that he might like to have all this stuff (of course he would, who wouldn’t?)… but then I thought
“tough shit”.
Jazzy,
there’s nothing you can do. You, like many here, have thin skin. We do need to learn to thicken it. Not taking everything personally is the only way and realizing that we are dealing with personality disordered individuals, really helps because it tells us that no matter what we do, their response would still be selfish and calloused.
Jupiter,
welcome. His actions bewilder you, naturally. He KNOWS THAT. That is the whole point of his actions. How do I know?
Experience. After 25 years with a poster child P, there isn’t a sick behavior I haven’t observed from him.
When I was a kid, 13, my best friend just stopped being my friend. I thought it odd and went my own way, but she lived just across the alley, literally yards away. A couple years later, her family moved away and she didn’t even call to say goodbye. It has always bothered me to the point that I would have a recurring dream asking her why she did that.
One day, I mentioned this to my exP. HE WAS REALLY INTERESTED! They love anything that causes a normal person confusion or pain. so bizarre but so true. it can’t be understood, don’t try. It’s just a personality disorder.
jazzy129, I love that video!!! Thanks for sharing!
Oh friends…I was trying to find another thread that I posted on last week but can’t seem to find it so I came back here. This article helped me so much….then “it” sent the message below. I feel ripped open again. OMGsh…why…why say these things!! I KNOW so much if it is total BS…but he throws just enough partial truth in it to make me question everything all over again. Help please!!!! Is this a typical way they write/talk??? It seems so twisted but at the same time it makes me feel like maybe he was the good one and it was me!!
***You know what, for five months I’ve listen to you send email after email about how s%&*@y you think I am. And as I’ve done since we broke up. I accept and admit that it was s&^%#y of me. I tried to break up with you more than once but despite what you think and say I cared about you and your tears kept me in a relationship that I wanted out of. You give me so much s*%t about the little stuff, your computer, the ipod, the money. You weren’t happy before we met(go ahead and deny it, your blog doesnt paint a rosey picture tho) and you’re not happy now. But you were happy when we were together and thats because you actually put aside your anger and had fun. You can call me all the names, say all the things you think I’ve lied about but in the end it wont bring back that happiness we shared. The way you’re acting makes me want to fucking puke. And not because of how you’re acting towards me but because of how you’re acting towards yourself. You could be a very happy woman but your not, you’re not because of the same reason that I eventually decided I couldnt live my life with you, because you’re mean and you filled with self pity. It’s really sad and while I try to get angry and go off on all the reasons I tried to break up with you twice before Vegas I just can’t do it because I know you’re hurting and it’s not all because of me. I don’t know where your meanness comes from, maybe its from the teasing you took about your weight, maybe it’s just something that’s aways been inside you. You can blame me for your unhappiness all you want but the things I lied about weren’t meant to hurt you. I keep thinking about how much you changed during our relationship, and how now it seems that perhaps that changed T is gone forever. You could bring her back. Even if everything that you’ve said about me is true, you should be able to look back and remember that for the first time in 35 years you loved and someone love you. Move forward. Hate me with your whole heart but move forward and love YOU. At one point in time I thought I would spend the rest of my life with you because you changed… you cared, you were so selfless (as you’ve pointed out) but the anger was there all the while and it turned to jealousy and then hate. I honestly wish that you could get past your anger, and I am not talking about toward me, and be happy. I loved you very deeply T. Some of the things you did for me and moments we shared I keep in my heart forever. I still care about you, despite everything, not romantically but as someone I have deep feelings for. I realize youre reply to this all will be “f*%k you” but one day I hope it isnt.****
anything anyone….any wisdom from that????
stolen_innocence – of course it is the way they talk. i will quote but one line:
‘the things I lied about weren’t meant to hurt you’
this is gas-lighting. he’s a lying little sack of crap.
press delete. block his email, change your email address. don’t subject yourself to this stress.
stolen innocence! OMG! He’s not talking about you, he’s projecting! He’s describing himself. They all do that!
I can break it down for you if you want, “I don’t know where your meanness comes from….” He’s talking about his own meanness. They don’t understand why they are so evil and cruel and they do contemplate that question occasionally. But when they talk, they project it towards others. AMAZING.
I have very similar emails and recordings of my exP.
Your P throws just enough maudlin to touch your emotions. And you know, you will always be affected by those. Even to this day, my P can write me a line of shit from here to china and I KNOW it’s shit, but it still pulls at my heart, just a bit.
Just like when you watch a movie and you know it isn’t real, but the actors are so melodramatic that you catch yourself wiping tears. IT’S THE EXACT SAME THING. NOT REAL. let it go. enjoy it. have a laugh or study it for wisdom. or do all of the above. whatever works for you. But believe me, it’s not real.
If you want I can post some of the latest crap from my exP for your perusal/enjoyment/comic relief!
sky – well said…it’s the ‘projection’.
mine is always on about being prey. uh huh.