When I think sociopath, I think this: as a pattern, he is willing, with awareness (hence, with intellect intact) to hurt people, or leave them feeling violated, in order to pursue hisĀ gratifications and interests which, for him, are always more important than the pain his pursuit of them inflicts on others.
Malice (as I’ve written about elsewhere) may or may not be a motive or factor. It’s true that for some sociopaths the gratifications they seek are predatory-based; for these sociopaths, the process of exploiting others becomes central in their violating behavior.
But this isn’t true for all sociopaths, many of whom are not driven, primarily, by a malicious or sadistic agenda.Ā
For many, if not all, sociopaths, the core motive driving their behavior is to satisfy a present impulse, desire, or felt need. But the problem with sociopathsāand surely one of their distinguishing, defining qualitiesāis the alarming indifference they bring to the collatoral damage they cause others, about which, at least intellectually, they have awareness.
This speaks, of course, to the sociopath’s deficient empathy and tendency to callousness. But again, the deficient empathy by itself isn’t so telling; more telling are the empathic deficits in connection with the pattern, and the sociopath’s intellectual comprehension, of his grossly violating behaviors.Ā
I stress that it is this confluence of the sociopath’s intellectual awareness of the damageĀ his pattern of violating behaviors causes others, coupled with his striking emotional indifference to his damage-causing behaviors, that seems to announce we are dealing with a peculiar personality called āsociopathic.ā
For the sociopath, interpersonal commitments can be maintained so long as they don’t interfere with the pursuit of his targeted present gratifications, or relief. But just as soon as the sociopath perceives a commitment or agreement to interfere with his present agenda, it becomes, for him, effectively null and void. The previous commitment and agreement are now utterly discardable and meaningless.
Whereas the nonsociopath would feel some shame, some uneasiness, to suddenly, unilaterally blow-off, and render nonbinding, a commitment he made to someone else, the sociopath feels relatively untroubled doing so. Why?
One reason is this: Whatever, in the sociopath’s mind, emerges as interfering with his present, immediate interest(s)ābe it previously accepted obligations, commitments, responsibilities, and, yes, relationshipsāthese become experienced, for the sociopath, as presently obstructive, and thereby antogonistic to his current agenda.
Therefore, he now feels the right, in effect, to protect himself against the assault of intrusions and unwelcome constraints to his agenda, whatever their source. He protects himself (and his interests) by, metaphorically, flipping his middle finger at these unwelcome disturbances to the pursuit of his immediate interests.
The sociopath feels entitled to do this! In his mind, things, or you, have gotten in his way. This makes him, in a sense, the victim, and you, or whatever now obstructs his agenda, his victimizer.
Yes, this is an extremely narcissistic position, and yes, the sociopath embodies narcissism in its most virulent form.
Let’s look at an arbitrary example: If you were to ask a sociopath, āHow could you have just, blatantly, without shame, left your āĖdate’ waiting at that restaurant, where you arranged to meet at 8 pm, and never showed up, and never even called to say you weren’t showing up,?ā here are some things he might say, versus what he might have really been thinking:
He might say, āYou are right. That was inexcusable. I should not have done that.ā (Reflecting his intellectual awareness of the social inappropriateness of his behavior.)
But he might be thinking, āI left her there because I had a chance to go out with that cashier I’d been scouting at the CVS for the last couple weeks; and I sure as hell wasn’t gonna let that opportunity pass. I wasn’t gonna let her (my date) stand in the way of my pursuing a better, more exciting opportunity.ā
Or, he might say, āYeah, I should have at least called. That would have been right.ā. (Reflecting his intact intellect)
But he might be thinking, āCalling her would have taken time out of my life at that moment, when I was concentrating on my present priority, which was to impress and seduce this cashier. I did not want to be hindered in my present agenda. I should never have to be hindered in my agenda, and anything, or anyone, that hinders me by introducing inconvenient expectations of me is obstructing me and antagonizing me. So if she was pissed off and hurt that I blew her off, too bad. She became a nuisance.ā
When the sociopath feels the need to rationalizeāand he is so narcissistic that he may not even feel the need to do soāthis is the kind of rationalizing he does. His present needs are always preeminent, and he feels little, if ever any, conflict about this. He is comfortable making, experiencing, his present needs as preeminent regardless of what this means to the needs, and expectations, of others around him.
In a split second he is willing, if necessary for his own, latest chance at gratification, to devalue and ignore his obligations to others.Ā And he does this from the sense that this is his most basic privilege; it makes absolute, comfortable sense to him.Ā Ā
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
skylar
Prey! LOL. ahahahaha!
Finally one I hadn’t heard projected. that’s a new one, even my exP never used that one.
LOL!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
well, she does so love to pretend to be stalked; makes her feel wanted….
Enigma
Jazzy ~ thank you, loved my Island time!!
CAmom
STOLEN INNOCENCE,
Big chunks of that message could have been written by my ex and were a mild trigger for me. What I learned to do with those kind of messages was to skim, skim, skim. And hum while I skimmed…usually some sort of duh-duh-duh-tuh-duh thing. I learned to not take it in—there was never anything of value in them because I had to consider the source. The source was tainted and did not have my best interests at heart.
If those same words came from someone who I knew cared about me, then I would pay attention. Since they didn’t, I only skimmed for any pertinent information and dismissed the rest for sanity’s sake. I had to remove myself from his words, whether written or spoken, because they just didn’t come from a good place. What he wrote to you doesn’t really merit any careful consideration on your part. He isn’t coming from a good place, no matter what he may say.
So, very familar stuff in there. I read and heard much of the same crap myself from my ex. Skim for relevence–if there’s nothing in there that impacts your life, let it go. He clearly is not your friend, not trying to “help” you in any way. (IMHO)
Best to you,
CAmom
Jupiter
Hi Shabbychic, thanks for your response to my post. My love of music is definitely still with me, it is the motivation I used to have to put energy into writing and practicing, and even the drive I used to feel about performing that has suffered.
Playing music has always been (and still is) when I feel most authentic and happy, but after sharing such a personal joy and experiencing the complete connection and excitement with my ex as we discovered each others music and then writing, singing and performing together, I now find it hard to feel inspiration to move forward. It has felt more like moving backward, my creativity is blocked and expressing what I feel in song seems pointless. It is a shattered dream that I am recovering from and I don’t know that I want to sing about it, or even try to write about it – just too depressing.
I’ve been gradually getting back into playing my own songs again that were written pre-ex with a new band and I enjoy it immensely. The people I’m playing with are good friends whom I feel blessed to be able to do that with, but at the end of the day, there is an emptiness to it that didn’t used to be there. He took something very sacred from me, but it was I who allowed and welcomed him into that space which contains my soul’s greatest joy and from which since he’s been gone a part feels missing.
I understand that one day my healing will include filling up that space again for myself, but in the past it was always music which helped me the most to heal from disappointments and heartaches, this time, music is what keeps reopening the wound.
Thanks also Skylar for your words of experienced wisdom… I get what you’re saying and it really is bewildering how they can disconnect so acutely from people and commitments that had seemed so important to them. In reality it has to be a disorder, because when there is order there is a consistency that does make sense…
Jupiter
STOLEN INNOCENCE
I’m a newbie here, but I 100% agree with Skylar that everything your ex said sounded like his own projection of himself. It reminded me of a friend who just received a very similar rant from her recent ex, who is basically in denial of everything she has tried to tell him as to the reasons why she needs to end their relationship and instead he keeps trying to turn his own behavior around onto her with his words. She has fortunately become aware enough to understand how toxic their relationship had become and she’s recently found the courage to take appropriate action to free herself. She is learning to ignore his words, as hard as that is, but sometimes it is the only way to know the truth.
peace
Ox Drover
Guys, that is why it is so important to go NO CONTACT—not to listen to the verbal venom! NO CONTACT, means no e mails, no voice mails, no texts, no phone calls, block block BLOCK—if that doesn’t work, change the numbers, chance the addy…..no contact NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA AND YOU WILL GAIN PEACE.
TAKE CONTROL—by no contact (NC) you assume control over yourself, and shut them out! They may try harder to text or talk, but don’t even listen to anyone else talk about them or what they said and NO FB peeps either. CUT THEM OUT of your life! Like a cancer on your heart! It works! It hurts, but then it lets you heal. As long as they are spewing poison into your blood stream you can never heal, but you start to heal the moment they are OUT!! ((((hugs))) and God bless.
chinagirl
CaMom-You said it perfectly -“Consider the source” ! Exactly
But Ox is right…..NO CONTACT! it is essential. No emails, no texts, no vm, no letters. NOTHING. THAT is how we find peace.
I’ve been NC for about 5 months. What a difference. I am beginning to pick myself up, hold my head up, move forward….get my life back, get my power back. Can’t do it if I am constantly bombarded with bs from xspath. he projects, just like all of them. I, too, used to think it was me. Not any more. I know the truth. So do you. We know our own truths and that is al that matters!!
lostingrief
as usual, steve, you hit the nail on the head … always using the exact nail i need hammered in the moment!
i was just musing this morning — bad morning — about the conversation i had with SPATH-HOLE the day he finally admitted he had been cheating for months and had, in fact, gotten his new gf pregnant.
i asked him why he didn’t just tell me months ago that he wanted to be with someone else so i didn’t have to feel so bewildered and hurt by his behavior toward me. his response … as though he was discussing the sandwich he had for lunch …
‘that was really deceitful, wasn’t it.’
he didn’t FEEL that it was deceitful, he just understood it intellectually, and that was exactly how he said it. my jaw dropped to the floor (where it usually was when he was speaking). there is something so NOT-HUMAN about this … i still can’t wrap my brain around it.
26 months NC, and the creature still haunts me.
GREAT article. thanks.
lostingrief
@stolen innocence: never, ever listen to what they say. they talk in circles and pretzel shapes that a normal person can NEVER wrap their head around. this is a difficult thing to understand, and i’m still trying to really ‘get’ it. they are not normal people. they live to confuse others. it’s not personal. they do it to everybody. stay away. go complete NC. it’s the only way to shut out their destructive ‘noise.
‘hi shabby! good to see you.
‘tough shit’ indeed! when i gathered up spath’s crap, i thought, ‘but he loved these clothes; and that’s his favorite baseball mitt.’
then i thought: ‘AM I KIDDING?’
i left EVERYTHING — expensive clothes, ‘collectible’ sneakers, sports gear — on the stoop, free to the neighborhood. he never even asked for them back. guess he figured his new girl would replace everything with even better stuff.
hope you — and everyone here on LF — are doing well.