- Donna Andersen at Longwood Gardens
What, you’re probably wondering, is that pattern behind me? The gigantic, voluptuous red curves on a field of green?
They’re apples. Thousands of red and green apples. The apples are floating in a few inches of water on the floor of the indoor conservatory of Longwood Gardens.
The display is breathtaking. It is beauty for the sake of beauty. And it is incredibly healing.
Terry and I recently treated ourselves to a couple of days off. We took a trip not far and one of the places we visited was Longwood Gardens.
Longwood Gardens, in Kennett Square, Pennsylvania, was founded by Pierre DuPont of DuPont company fame in 1906. The conservatory in which I am standing in the photo opened in 1921. Longwood Gardens now covers more than 1,000 acres, all dedicated to formal gardens, horticulture and natural beauty.
Every year, Longwood Gardens creates a magnificent Christmas display. We saw hundreds of poinsettias of many different varieties. We saw beds of cyclamen and amaryllis. We saw beautifully decorated Christmas trees. And then, when it became dark, we walked outside amid the many tall trees decorated with thousands of twinkling lights.
As we walked around, I couldn’t help but notice that I felt great.
Feeling bad
An involvement with a sociopath makes us feel terrible. At one point or another, we probably experience every possible negative emotion anger, hatred, rage, betrayal, self-loathing, powerlessness, fear, resentment, etc., etc., etc.
We certainly have reason to feel all these painful emotions. We were deceived, manipulated and exploited.
But after awhile, feeling bad simply becomes exhausting. We all deserve a break, a respite from the internal upheaval.
Two-part healing
I’ve written in many articles that an important way to release the pain caused by the sociopath is to allow ourselves to feel it. Crying is good. Stomping our feet is good.
But there is a second part to the process. Releasing the negative energy creates an internal void. To complete the healing, we need to fill the void with joy.
One way to do that is to experience beauty. Choose any experience that appeals to you gardens, art, music, natural landscapes, animals, wildlife. Go to a place where you can find your favorite type of beauty. Then soak up the experience.
Please be careful not to let your mind drift to the sociopath. If you’ve left a sociopath who you mistakenly thought was your “soul mate,” don’t think about how you wish someone was with you to share the experience. The beauty is for you, not for someone else.
At this time of year, beautiful Christmas displays are everywhere. If you’ve been involved with a sociopath who had a talent for ruining the holidays, don’t let the memory intrude on your own experience. Focus on the wonder of whatever you’re seeing or hearing.
Somewhere inside you there is a spark of the real you. Nourish that spark, and it will grow.
Thank you, Donna! I’ve been coming to your site since I broke up with my ex-partner, whom I’ve come to learn fits the profile of a sociopath very well. The pain and grief that he caused me and my family and friends were far reaching, but ultimately, he could not destroy the beauty that is in my heart, nor the amazing grace of a merciful God who sent his army of Angels to save me from the despair and ruins he left me in.
This is my first Christmas as a single mom of two beautiful children. I am celebrating my freedom, embracing all that is good, and filling my cup with joy and beauty abounding! Life can be blissful again!
Sweetest blessings to you and everyone here on lovefraud!
Thank you for the reminder, Donna. I spent last week nearly on a retreat, meditating and releasing some negative emotions. I did feel like I was in sort of a fugue state when it was done – not really happy, but not noticing the negativity that was there before. Not knowing what to do, I went to therapy and focused on the negative states that I’m no longer feeling. This was unproductive. Later I found that going to dance class, shopping for beautiful clothing and (now) going out dancing tonight with beautiful men is just what I need to fill the empty space. 🙂 Great reminder that we need balance in our lives. I sometimes forget that. A drive around town to see all the Xmas lights a last week with a friend was also really wonderful. This is a great time of year to experience beauty.
Heart song: I’m so glad for your healing and optimism. There are blessings – even though they may be hard to find at times. Best wishes to you and your family!
Stargazer – the more beauty and joy we allow into our lives, the more our internal balance will shift from pain to peace.
When things are really bad, we may not want to consider this. We are so caught up in the trauma of what happened to us that we feel like we don’t deserve any beauty or joy. I know that I resisted these ideas. But when I gave up the resistance, I learned that I could still put happiness in my life.
Yes, this is a good time of the year to do it.
To Donna and LF Readers….
Having gone through the healing process, I can tell you that life certainly does get better. I will never forget what happened to me, but that is in my past. I have moved on to become a much healthier version of “me”….and I love that!
It takes time, but you will heal and move on to enjoy all of the beauty around you.
Thank you, Donna, for allowing all of us to share our stories. I wish everyone a very blessed and wonderful Christmas season!
carolann
Oh my gosh, I love the apples! I looked at the design and thought about how much care and time went into creating that. It’s amazing.
I got up just a bit ago and looked outside at the farm that surrounds me. I look over at the three 100+ year old barns barely visible in the half-light, the cows in the field, the snow falling, and yes, it’s beautiful.
Thanks for the reminder, Donna, to go forth and find the beautiful things in life. It’s out there waiting for us!
There are more pictures of Longwood Gardens here:
http://longwoodgardens.org/gardens/exhibition-hall
Click the pictures for Christmas to see a better picture of the apples.
Donna,
I love the articles on healing. One of the first things you ever said to me was to make the choice to heal. Thank you for telling me that, and thank you for the articles that continue to remind me.
The blogs about the personality of a spath are important too. Sometimes it takes trusting person some time to get a full grip on just what we were dealing with. In addition, I had a tendency to think this could be improved or get better – and the roller coaster ride of good and bad times also reinforced that concept. But really over the long haul- no change.
It has been all too easy to think back to the jerk and all his insults,actions, behaviors, slights, and lies, BUT the more I work hard to NOT think about him the more I heal. The more I fill my life with beauty, joy, activities that FEEL GOOD, the easier it is to put that ugly part of life more behind me.
A counselor told me… when a thought of “him” pops up: acknowledge it – and then move on. Also, great advice. I spent so much time trying to figure him out. He seemed mysterious. He played victim and seemed like he needed my help. But now I know – Just accept him as he is.
Fill the thoughts with Santa, poinsettas, God, beautiful nativity and creches, sunrises and sunsets, a good hike, a dog horse or cat, any pet, the beach, mountains, plains, snow, animals, leather and lace, sculptures, flowers – there are literally thousands of flowers, balloons, the Divine, the planets, fairies, stained glass, metals – anything that sparkles and glitters,
I love the articles on healing.
Keep the healing coming – I tell myself. I owe it to myself. It brings me back to where I was ….. or as my yoga teacher says, “The light of my own true nature.”
A Very Merry Christmas Donna and to all people who are healing, healed and healing others,
Honestkindgiver
Honestkindgiver, thank you for your comments. I am just a few days (finally) out of a relationship with a psychopath and it is still very painful and raw. At this time I still feel great pain and sadness. I also feel stupid for allowing myself to stay involved when deep down I knew something was very wrong with this man. I call it being stupid, but the reality is that I feel ashamed for wanting the relationship so much. Like many others here, he presented himself as the ‘love of my life’… and I feel ashamed that I believed him. I was doing ok before I met him. I am an artist, spiritual and know the benefit of meditation, but with him around I did none of these things. Everything was about him, and that blocked all creativity. From the word go I had to fight for time alone to create, think and catch my breath. Where I thought I was being non-judgmental about his awful past (assuming it’s all true)I was in fact, allowing his life and past to dominate everything. I thought I could help him, just like many of us. I neglected my friends, and even my cat, as I was either too depressed or to involved with another reconciliation. I feel shattered.I went to a spiritual retreat recently and that was marvelous. It gave me a clear insight into the reality of what was going on….but I still didn’t let go completely. I believed what was being said by him, even though I had no proof his words ever became actions. I think I am still in some kind of denial. Maybe it’s too soon? He was here for a few days over Xmas but I threw him out when he revealed more b******t. It’s easy to feel strong when I’m angry, everything is clear and I know I deserve better, but for the past few days I have woken alone and in tears, weeping for something that I know was never real. I am so glad to have found Lovefraud. I cannot talk to my friends about how I feel. I fear they are bored to death with the year of dramas. I don’t want to lose them forever and that would happen if I allowed this man to stay in my life. Everyone wants my happiness but no-one wants me to be with him! But somewhere deep down I think I still have a tiny glimmer of hope that I ‘got it wrong’ and that he will change. How stupid is that? I am ashamed to be an intelligent woman of 56 and be in this place. It’s the last day of an awful year and I have no money, no booze, cigarettes, nothing to celebrate the New Year. I’m sorry for moaning on….but this is my first post. Thank you all for the inspirational comments and advice. I wish you all well in the coming year.
Honestkindgiver, you said –
“It’s the last day of an awful year and I have no money, no booze, cigarettes, nothing to celebrate the New Year. ”
Celebrate it with this: you have no more mind games to contend with; no more gas-lighting to distress and alarm you; no more waste of your beautiful soul on a black vaccuous hole full of nothing; no more waste of your precious time on the smoke-and-mirrors monster.
Instead, in 2014, you now have freedom; you have the time to rebuild the parts of yourself that he has stripped raw; you have the space to breathe freely while you re-group (until breathing freely becomes natural for you once more); you have a group of people (albeit in cyberspace) upon whose warmth and experience and compassion you will learn to draw while you put to rights the scrambled workings of your poor, confused mind.
Then, a bit later on (but sooner than you had thought would ever be possible), you will have have wisdom and strength and awareness that were not previously yours; and you will become the teacher, the comforter.
And you will survive.
Because we all did.
aussiegirl …..thank you for your supportive comments. I feel a lot better mainly because I have some money for food, fags and booze now (the booze is for real friends that are coming over later today!)
I know I’m ‘lucky’ that I only had 16 months of the crap I thought was love ( I really wanted to believe it was…)I am still struggling with the reality of it all. In fact I know I am still in denial and although everything points to the fact that this man is bad for me…. I still haven’t let go in my head. I know… that’s just plain STUPID… but it’s also highlighted the fact that although I hate to admit it… I need to feel loved, and I’m 56. I know… everyone has that need… but I feel so so ashamed that I have been ‘forced’ into a situation where I have to acknowledge after all the years of ‘hiding’, that I never felt/was loved. I know we all have sad tales to tell… and that has kept me back from saying to anyone that I have never felt ‘worthy’… from the age of 6 yrs old. I am a successful artist… good friend..loving etc etc. But I have spent a lifetime feeling unworthy….of everything…even success. This is one of the reasons I never pushed myself towards success. Friends have got impatient over the years because they could see my potential…but I never could.
I understand now that I was always the perfect victim for a psycho…. No self esteem…even though verbally and mentally I appear to be STRONG! We all have had a sad story… I know that..but what I’m learning after all these years pretending to be OK… is that I was never taught how to love myself. Thank you for your comments aussiesgirl. I am going to face my fears this year…and as you said I have friends in cyberspace who understand. You will never know how much that means to me. Thank you.
Ifellforapsycho,
It’s amazing what Lies we tell ourselves. Others can see the truth, like your friends who saw your potential. But we are so stuck in our Lies that we insist on living within… and it remains merely Potential.
Good news though, the potential is still there. We just have to stop telling ourselves Lies.
Why do we lie, what is the lie? Those are hard to uncover. They have been inbedded so long that most likely we’ve forgotten, we’ve just been living the i-can’t (conclusion we made because of the Lie)
I achieved my biggest victory, my greatest feeling of accomplishment, when I received a divorce. The feeling of dread, of depression, of oppression has been lifted off my shoulders. I carried it so long that I didn’t even realize the burden. But I am FREE! 2013 was a crappy year.
May 2014 be the year that ALL of us uncover whatever Lie we’ve been living, Lies that keep us from living as the WORTHY lovable self respectable emotionally strong decent people that we REALLY are.
That’s my resolution for 2014, and one I know I will keep. To PURGE the poison from the lies that I’ve told myself, Lies that have kept me from the success and joy that I was created to achieve and share with others.
p.s. Donna shared one terrific tool, the EFT article that featured Bruce Lipton. I may not be able to do it on my own, but youtube has a HUGE number of “how to” find the key and unlock my childhood moment when I first told myself the lie. There is a WAY. What a wonderful gift to share with others.
Aussiegirl
What a beautiful post to begin a new us. Simply beautiful. Thank you for this.
Honestkindgiver, Your letter was filled with the most beautiful poetic imagery. Thank you!
ifellforapsycho – welcome to Lovefraud, although it’s a club none of us wanted to join.
If you just threw him out a few days ago, this is all very raw right now. Please give yourself time.
Although the experience was awful, it sounds like you already see the silver lining – that there are issues within yourself that need to be addressed. That’s what we all learn because of these experiences. And because what we’ve been through is so awful that we have to do something, you now have the opportunity for deep and lasting change.
Give yourself credit for recognizing that. You can recover. We have many articles here on Lovefraud to help you.
Donna
Donna, Thank you for your kind words. You are very right when you speak of ‘a silver lining’. I personally believe that we meet people for a reason… no matter how awful the experience… there is much to be gained from it all. You are also right about giving myself time! I tend to be hard on myself where recovery is concerned… even with physical ailments! I am going to keep a journal of my feelings as each day passes. That way I have record of my progress… especially on the difficult days. I am very glad to have found Lovefraud…. I know the support here will help me to not only recover… but give me the opportunity to become an even ‘better’ person. I’m proud to be the caring, loving, supportive woman that I am… and a false relationship with a psycho is never going to change that.