Lovefraud has heard from a woman who we’ll call “Sally.” Sally is dealing with a sociopathic man who threatened to kill her, sabotage her daughter’s career and injure other family members. She says law enforcement either doesn’t believe her or doesn’t care.
Sally has been in touch with another of the sociopath’s victims, and they’ve helped each other through the nightmare. Still, people in regular support groups don’t believe them, and friends and family members have backed away. A lawyer and a therapist have backed away.
Sally recently sent Lovefraud the following e-mail:
You just can’t imagine this, because I can’t either. The person that was me is gone ”¦ and no one has taken her place.
I know who I was with all my faults and history ”¦ I was comfortable there. I guess this is a journey ”¦ but to where I don’t know. There is no light.
For 62 years I was me and now I am gone. What will I be? Will I be able to live with who I end up being?
I’m sitting in my living room and I am crying and I don’t know why. For the loss of hope? For fear? Fear of the future … for breast cancer ”¦ for the loss of my two best friends? For being stupid? For losing my children? And I am responsible for these losses.
I am dull, I am inert. I fill my head with senseless TV – I don’t know what I’m watching.
I want to dance and sing and laugh. I want to ride bareback thru the fields and listen to the silence.
But I will do none of those things. They’re only dreams. I am too tired. They are too far away from my new reality. Reality is my home, my prison, the awake hours. My routine – sleep as long as I can – take pills to help me not to have panic attacks – sometimes I eat. Day is night, and night is day ”¦ there’s no difference anymore.
I am smothered in sadness – and I am so angry, at myself.
I used to accomplish so much in a day and now it can all wait for another day.
I remember the hopelessness. I remember feeling that I had nothing to hold on to, that everything I knew was gone. I had no plans for the future, no idea of what was to become of me.
And I remember coming to terms with it.
How can you possibly come to terms with the devastation wrought by a sociopath? My healing involved two related and intertwined adjustments in my thinking.
Acceptance
The first adjustment was that I had to accept what happened.
Everything I was told by my sociopathic ex-husband was a lie. I had been deceived, swindled and betrayed. He had convinced me to spend all of my money, and go into debt, to support his grandiose plans. I’d neglected my own business to participate in his schemes. I’d won a judgment against my ex in court, but it was useless. I’d spent money I didn’t have on collection agencies and lawyers, and came up empty. I would not get any satisfaction from my ex.
I was broke and had no prospects for stable income. I did not know how I would survive, and I couldn’t argue with my circumstances any longer. The day finally came when I had to accept that, for the time being, this was my life.
Present moment
The second adjustment in my thinking was to focus on the present moment.
We all spend a lot of time reliving the past and projecting into the future. We ruminate over everything that happened with the sociopath. We worry about what will happen to our jobs, our kids, our homes.
Although this is legitimate, the only place where we truly live is right now, in the present moment. We can only take action now. So much like recovering from an addiction, we have to take our lives one day at a time.
It’s not easy. We want to know that we’ll be okay. We want to know how everything will work out. But I learned that if we give up our expectations of what ought to be, life can bring us wonderful solutions that we didn’t even think of.
This is one of the big themes in my book, Love Fraud—How My Marriage to a Sociopath Fulfilled My Spiritual Plan, which will be published in the spring.
Suggestions for Sally
So what should Sally do? From her letter, it sounds like she is suffering from depression. This is no surprise. We all know that the devastation wrought by sociopaths, and the callous response of the legal and financial systems, can leave us depressed.
Maybe Sally is strong enough to cope with the depression on her own. But if she feels like she needs assistance, that’s one step that she can take right now, today—seeking treatment for depression.
It would be a step towards her healing. For Sally to continue to move forward, I lovingly suggest the approach that I outline here—accepting what has happened, and focusing on one day at a time.
It’s not easy. Accepting what has happened leads us to grief over what we have lost. The grief needs to be processed, and it’s not fun. Actually, that may be where Sally is right now. There’s no way to avoid the pain; we have no choice but to move through it. But it does come to an end.
The process is much more manageable if we only deal with this day, or perhaps this hour. For Sally to try to sort out the rest of her life right now would be impossible, and probably counterproductive.
Sally has dreams. She wants to sing and dance and ride bareback through the fields, listening to the silence. Sally should hold on to her dreams, even though, at this point, she does not know how they will be realized.
Right now she’s moving through the rough patch. But each day moves her one day closer to the possible fulfillment of her dreams. All she has to do is hold on, and gradually, her ability to accomplish will return.
Who will she be? An even better version of who she was.
Thanks, Donna for this article.
Sally, I think many of the bloggers here at loveFraud have been where you are. WORLD UPSIDE DOWN, and depressed. Grieving. Seeing little or no hope opr light at the end of a long black tunnel.
The details of how you wound up there, how I wound up there, and others wound up in that darky abyss actually don’t matter except to us individually, the general process was the same—we were victims of a psychopath’s maneuvers to destroy everything we were and everything we had for no other reason that greed and the enjoyment of doing so.
They take everything not because they want it, but because they don’t want us to have ti. If we care about it, they want to take that joy away from us.
We grieve for the loses we have endured, suffered. The pain is almost unbearable, and like a sick and injured dog we want to find a place to crawl linto and lick our wounds.
This place we crawl into is the grief process, which is filled with undulating emotions that seem to roll over us like surf onto a beach in unstoppable waves out of our control.
We can’t avoid those waves of emotions, each one different, then the same, but in order to oget back on our ship of life we must wade and crawl and swim through those waves after waves to get back to life, the only other option is to continue to lie helpless of the beach of despair, still dashed by those waves continually.
Sally, they can buffet us, they can knock us down, but they can’t truly destroy us if we won’t allow it. I too am 62, lwill be 63 in a couple of weeks, but after months of lying on the beach of despair, I started crawling back toward the life boat, and I am glad I did, There are many people here at LF who will chear you on as you struggle through those waves to get off the beach of despair and back into your own life boat.
Life is not over until you give up. Reach out to take our hands and work throuigh this with us cheering you on! God bless you Sally. (((hugs))))
Dear Sally,
It saddens me to hear the pain that has wrapped itself around you tightly. Only time will get you through to the other side. You must process this as it comes. Be patient with yourself. You have the right to feel the way you do but it won’t last forever. Even broke, don’t you feel as though a weight has been lifted off your heart and soul? Don’t you sleep better and breathe better now? If you are alone it might take longer to step through it all. This is not a good time to be alone. Try to fill your days with good people and fun projects. Bake, clean, walk someone’s dog. Enjoy the smallest of things you may have overlooked. Pour your heart into that book you’re writing. Write it for all of us. The sadness will lift, promise.
Like the willow, I learned that while I may bend, I wouldn’t break. It is a FALSE belief that these P.’s like to put in our head. They WANT us to believe we will crack. I believe, Sally, that you will come through this and be that much stronger for it.
I suscribe to the “just for today” theory. It helped me get out of the cycle of wanting to sleep and then having to get up just to face another day. Each day gets better and better and I know that those feelings will come, yet again, and wash over me. I try to remember that each time they do, it’s part of the cleansing process and each time it happens, I’m that much farther ahead. I am able to put my head down at night and know, that at least for today, I’ve done the best I can.
You are a special person. There is only one you. You were put here for a reason and while you may not see that now, you will.
I’ve been on here for only a short while and have learned so much.
Sending hugs and God’s Blessings,
Cat
There is a blog by a woman named Susan J. Elliott – it is called Getting Past Your Past – How To Turn a Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You – and I highly recommend it. I found it before I found Love Fraud and the two blogs have helped me so tremendously. Here is the link:
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/
She has also written a book that has much helpful information and exercises to help one grieve and integrate the losses suffered so you/I/we can move on and forward with our lives.
God bless you – and yes depression and despair are a normal reaction to the pain and suffering and deception you have experienced Sally. Please seek help for yourself – I don’t know how I would have made it without my therapist.
Sally, I know exactly how you feel because I feel the same way too. It is as if you are telling my story as far as feeling hopeless, depressed, and crying because you want to be the woman you were before and all the pain and hurt and anger and betrayal – all of it. I HATE IT! I’m new here. I’ve only written once before and I received support from some caring people. I printed out what they told me to do and I read them often. I know everything they told me is true and if I follow what they say, I will have a future and make it. I know you will if you continue to come to lovefraud, get help and have the support of family and friends, etc. It is not easy, believe me, but you will make it! The nutcase I was with for 5 years intermittently lives 7 doors away from me with latest victim who he was cheating on me with. Once he had her hooked, he dropped me, just like that, no explanation, no goodbye, no chance for me to speak, vent, anything! Although their relationship is a rocky one and very dysfunctional because they are alike in a lot of ways, she is so different from me except that she believed his lies too, was lonely, he was so sweet and loving in the beginning and she must have low self esteem. Plus she is 50 and I am 54 so you know how that goes. I tried to warn her, but she could care less. People say she is using him for his money. I say: what money? He didn’t have any money when he was with me. At the end, he was stealing money from me to use for her. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I see so many things clearly now such as “the receipt fell out of the bag” and so much more. I am still having a very difficult time because they both live here. She is not very nice to me at all so I am dealing with two sociopaths. She tells people she does not like him, is not in love with him, disgusted with him, etc., etc., etc., BUT she is still living with him. I don’t get it, but I’m not supposed to because it is their business not mine. It’s difficult to stay out of his business though because he STILL tries to get me to feel sorry for him and listen to his lies and messages to get back to me about “how much he misses me” and “he wishes he was still with me because I was nicer to him.” He still knocks on my door occasionally, but I don’t answer. He even called me once and I called and told her, which he denied. He told her that he never went out with me and I am some lunatic crazy person who has trying to get him for years. RIGHT! She made sure she told me that. She also calls me “that woman.” I do have a name. I don’t know if she is playing head games with me like he did and still does or if she is just mean. All I know is that I feel stuck in a rut and as many times as I have felt like my old self before him, I quickly go back to the depressed person. Having bipolar depression doesn’t help and a history of attempted suicides doesn’t help either. I am so lonely. I have no family here and I’ve lost all my friends except for one, but she is still hanging on a string with a sociopath she has been with for 8 years. I hate life and if I belived I would go to heaven if I committted suicide, I would. i don’t see a future for me. I call the police on him now for every single thing he does to me. They don’t do anything.!!!
Dearest Sally, When I left my P ex husband ,who was an alcoholic,and a gambler,after hed beaten me nearly unconscious, I had only the clothes I stood up in. Both my daughters are ps{narcissopaths} too, and they sided with their dad. So I was truly on my own. I found a tiny furnished flat,{condo}moved in, in Dec.,1982, My landlady reduced my weekly rent if I gave her a facial once a week.{I went on unemployment benefits for th first time in my life.} I turned the tiny spare bedroom into my healing clinic,-i have certs in massage, shiatsu, andaromatherapy.I prayd to god every night, and He helped me wonderfully. I remember I prayed one night for food,as I had one egg and 2 slices of bread in my fridge,and next day my P daughter rang to say a sportsperson had rung re a massage from me. he came round, he was Ok, not a sexual predator, he had a “corked” thigh muscle which I fixed for him. He gave me A$25,- I went out and bought food, and from that day, I was OK. My ex used to say to my girls,”Mum will come home when shes hungry.” I made up my mind NEVER to go back to that awful house, where not only my ex but one of my daughters had beaten me up.{Probably while on drugs, or drunk.} Six months after my break for freedom, I met my darling husband, thru my landladies sister, Trisha, who had a match making dinner party for me and David, her next door neighbor, a divorced man of 50 from new Zealand. he was GORGEOUS!!and we fell in love.This July, we celebrated our 25th Wedding anniversary in Cape Town,South Africa, where we had a 3 week holiday. YOu will get there! keep praying, keep trusting God, He hears you and he WILL help you but you have to ASK for help, or His hands are tied!Take one day at a time, believe god hasa BETTER plan for your life. I left, bruised, battered, with nothing but the clothes I stood up in. It was very HARD to leave my P teenagers. {Not that they missed me in the slightest,they are both hard little b—-ches.}} and I have gone on giving and giving and giving to them for nearly 30 years, thru a false sense of guilt.FOG, its called,–fear, obligation, and guilt. I have learned SO much from Love fraud since finding the site in June this year. Iv e learned HEAPS! and to stand up for myself, and not take any more crap from my P . adult kids.Some of us are newbies, some are “Den Mothers” like Oxy, but were all in this together, we are FAMILY!!Good Luck, you will make it, take one day at a time. depression meds may help you, I resisted taking them as they made me feel so zonked out, but they may help temporarily . Do you have a job?How are you financially? can you get by? Anyway, heaps of Love,and {{HUGS}} ,if I can do it, YOU CAN TOO!! GeminigirlXX
Alicia,
Oh, sweetheart, your post tore at my heart. Your pain and suffering is palpable in your words.
When you wrote that you are so lonely, I instinctively wanted to reach out through my computer monitor and quickly pull you into my arms for a much needed loving hug. I would do it to, but I can’t as I am limited with the internet.
Sweetie, I care about you. I don’t need to know you personally to have genuine compassion for you. Speaking from the heart, being candid and honest on LF creates that most loving of feelings for each other. Plus, all of us on this website have experienced the devastation caused by evil predators, once or many times.
Please don’t leave us. Stay here, sharing and purging and venting for however long you wish. This is one of the best places in the world for healing, recovery and renewal. Just keep on coming back, because you are a valuable, priceless, lovely human woman.
I care. I do. I care deeply.
Alicia,
I do understand that you are overwhelmed by a myriad of intense emotions. That’s ok. It’s natural to feel this way due to the despicable, utterly cruel, callous, inhuman treatment by a predator. You are not alone. Not here you’re not.
You have been violated. You have been used, abused, devalued and discarded. But you never, not in a million years, deserved to be treated thus. Never.
You are worth a thousand times more than the evil predator. More than that as predators are worth zilch. In time, you will begin to realize this as you begin to accept that he is a personality disordered individual, which in effect means, he is incorrigible, irredeemable, a life long epic failure.
I would kindly suggest that you not internalize his abuse and blame yourself. You are not stupid, or crazy, or hysterical, or foolish, or ugly. You are none of these words! The polar opposite of the words to be exact!
Please, I do implore you as I want you to continue to visit and post on LF, to read and absorb as much of the articles, essays that are written.
You might wish to click on the links for Kathleen Hawk on the left side of the page under categories. She offers illuminating, insightful, and wise healing knowledge that I think you should consider reading. Her tone is soothing and compassionate also which I sincerely appreciate.
I’m going to sign off but I’ll be checking in to read what you have written.
Dear Alicia,
I hear your pain, and I have felt that life wasn’t worth living myself, but I have found that it IS worth living, and it IS worth struggling through all the pain to get to the light! To get to the future, one moment at a time.
The pain, devestation and loss I felt put me squarely on my back, and sometimes we hav eto be flat of our backs to LOOK UP. My faith in God is stronger now than ever before! I don’t think I could have made it out of the abyss without that faith which grew in my heart as I prayed.
I sometimes felt like Job, but also like Job, I have more now than what I lost and most of all, I have ME. A me that is unemcumbered by attachments of toxic hope to relationships what were toxic, that were bad, that were evil with people whose hearts were black. I am free of the psychopaths, free of all they did to me, and I have a better life now than I have ever had. don’t give up hope, Alicia!
Stay here, there are many people here who will support you through the trials and tribulations that we all go through as we work toward healing. You still have the most important thing in life, yourself! My prayers for you my dear, and a big cyber ((((Hug)))) along with Gem and Janie.
Donna, I really appreciate your suggestions. They are so kind, to the point and not overwhelming to process. You understand that when we are in this deep loss stage of grief we cannot process a long drawn out plan and advice. You keep it simple, but true and to the point. Very, very helpful and hopeful.