Lovefraud has heard from a woman who we’ll call “Sally.” Sally is dealing with a sociopathic man who threatened to kill her, sabotage her daughter’s career and injure other family members. She says law enforcement either doesn’t believe her or doesn’t care.
Sally has been in touch with another of the sociopath’s victims, and they’ve helped each other through the nightmare. Still, people in regular support groups don’t believe them, and friends and family members have backed away. A lawyer and a therapist have backed away.
Sally recently sent Lovefraud the following e-mail:
You just can’t imagine this, because I can’t either. The person that was me is gone ”¦ and no one has taken her place.
I know who I was with all my faults and history ”¦ I was comfortable there. I guess this is a journey ”¦ but to where I don’t know. There is no light.
For 62 years I was me and now I am gone. What will I be? Will I be able to live with who I end up being?
I’m sitting in my living room and I am crying and I don’t know why. For the loss of hope? For fear? Fear of the future … for breast cancer ”¦ for the loss of my two best friends? For being stupid? For losing my children? And I am responsible for these losses.
I am dull, I am inert. I fill my head with senseless TV – I don’t know what I’m watching.
I want to dance and sing and laugh. I want to ride bareback thru the fields and listen to the silence.
But I will do none of those things. They’re only dreams. I am too tired. They are too far away from my new reality. Reality is my home, my prison, the awake hours. My routine – sleep as long as I can – take pills to help me not to have panic attacks – sometimes I eat. Day is night, and night is day ”¦ there’s no difference anymore.
I am smothered in sadness – and I am so angry, at myself.
I used to accomplish so much in a day and now it can all wait for another day.
I remember the hopelessness. I remember feeling that I had nothing to hold on to, that everything I knew was gone. I had no plans for the future, no idea of what was to become of me.
And I remember coming to terms with it.
How can you possibly come to terms with the devastation wrought by a sociopath? My healing involved two related and intertwined adjustments in my thinking.
Acceptance
The first adjustment was that I had to accept what happened.
Everything I was told by my sociopathic ex-husband was a lie. I had been deceived, swindled and betrayed. He had convinced me to spend all of my money, and go into debt, to support his grandiose plans. I’d neglected my own business to participate in his schemes. I’d won a judgment against my ex in court, but it was useless. I’d spent money I didn’t have on collection agencies and lawyers, and came up empty. I would not get any satisfaction from my ex.
I was broke and had no prospects for stable income. I did not know how I would survive, and I couldn’t argue with my circumstances any longer. The day finally came when I had to accept that, for the time being, this was my life.
Present moment
The second adjustment in my thinking was to focus on the present moment.
We all spend a lot of time reliving the past and projecting into the future. We ruminate over everything that happened with the sociopath. We worry about what will happen to our jobs, our kids, our homes.
Although this is legitimate, the only place where we truly live is right now, in the present moment. We can only take action now. So much like recovering from an addiction, we have to take our lives one day at a time.
It’s not easy. We want to know that we’ll be okay. We want to know how everything will work out. But I learned that if we give up our expectations of what ought to be, life can bring us wonderful solutions that we didn’t even think of.
This is one of the big themes in my book, Love Fraud—How My Marriage to a Sociopath Fulfilled My Spiritual Plan, which will be published in the spring.
Suggestions for Sally
So what should Sally do? From her letter, it sounds like she is suffering from depression. This is no surprise. We all know that the devastation wrought by sociopaths, and the callous response of the legal and financial systems, can leave us depressed.
Maybe Sally is strong enough to cope with the depression on her own. But if she feels like she needs assistance, that’s one step that she can take right now, today—seeking treatment for depression.
It would be a step towards her healing. For Sally to continue to move forward, I lovingly suggest the approach that I outline here—accepting what has happened, and focusing on one day at a time.
It’s not easy. Accepting what has happened leads us to grief over what we have lost. The grief needs to be processed, and it’s not fun. Actually, that may be where Sally is right now. There’s no way to avoid the pain; we have no choice but to move through it. But it does come to an end.
The process is much more manageable if we only deal with this day, or perhaps this hour. For Sally to try to sort out the rest of her life right now would be impossible, and probably counterproductive.
Sally has dreams. She wants to sing and dance and ride bareback through the fields, listening to the silence. Sally should hold on to her dreams, even though, at this point, she does not know how they will be realized.
Right now she’s moving through the rough patch. But each day moves her one day closer to the possible fulfillment of her dreams. All she has to do is hold on, and gradually, her ability to accomplish will return.
Who will she be? An even better version of who she was.
Dear henry,
Well, son D got home last night from the funeral of his dad’s adoptive mother. she had always treated his dad and his dad’s kids like “red headed step kids” and her last poke at them was her will. She didnt even mention them, though she left some item to each of her 3 daughters, their husbands, and all their kids and grandkids. Not one mention of D or his dad.
D’s aunts were mortified that their mother would be so “tacky” and THEY accept their brother as their brother regardless of the blood relationship or not and they accept and love his children.
When D and I were talking last night he said “She is just like your egg donor pretending to be so good and pious and in reality she was such a fake. The only good thing about it is that if she hadn’t taken my dad in, I wouldn[‘t have had my aunts and their kids for family and they are good people.”
He also said at the funeral none of the family was weeping, unlike most funerals, and the minister kept saying “it’s okay to weep, to let your true emotions out” and D said the family’s TRUE Emotions were out, they did not feel the need to weep for this woman.
The thing that strikes me the most funny really, is that her attempt to SLIGHT her adopted son by leaving him and his kids nothing actually back fired when it made her biological children ASHAMED of how she behaved and how small her mind and soul were, and how bitter and hateful she was to someone THEY LOVED.
Her attempt to “bribe” her biological daughters’ families with her bequests to “show love” and to devalue and discard her adopted son and his children actually BACKFIRED. It wasn’t about the monetary value of any of this, and in fact, the aunts offered Ds dad and sibs anything they wanted out of Grandma’;s house–without limit–but they chose to take nothing from the woman who had no love for them.
So, by her own actions she turned her memorial service from a memorial to her with her children, into an “I’m glad we dont have to deal with that old bat any more” with no pleasant memories of anything except the humor in the sermon the minister preached about this woman he didn’t know, and the reality of what she actually was…a bitter and hateful old woman whose last act was hateful.
When I read Sally’s letter, it was like she was writing what was in my soul. The loss of things, your lifestyle, or even the love you THOUGHT was true is nothing compared to the feeling that you have lost yourself.
Dear Sherry,
Yes that loss of self does resonate with us all I think, but the best part though is that WE CAN RECLAIM ourselves and be stronger for the experience.
Overcoming adversity strengthens the spirit just as weight lifting strengthens the muscles. God bless.
i have just confirmed the lawsuit against the spath i tangled with, brought by another dupee.
big sigh of relief. i am being cautious and it has been a hard time waiting for different confirmations about the suit and some other things I could confirm. Two important pieces came within the last 24 hours.
I deeply admire this woman for going after her.
however, i am finding that i find this whole repellent beyond belief, it’s like drinking horrid stuf i don’t want to.
this am i woke in the wee hours with a start – i saw ‘HIS’ face come right at me – and i felt the energy hit me, shock me, then disipate and leave. it was wild.
last night i read the entry by noordinary (spath?????!!) CREEPY F**KING CREEPY.
all for now. cause even coming here is making me recoil.
all best
one step
One step,
I also had met my spath on my favorite website. He continued to post after the discard as if nothing happened, lying to the other members blatantly. I took some beginning steps to expose him, but then I had a really bad dream about him, similar to yours, that made me realize how dangerous he was. Fortunately, I was able to get friends there to confront him and make it uncomfortable for him to post there. I also turned him into the army for fraud and adultery, and whatever they did to punish him, he has not been around on the website any more. However, I’m aware he can show up at any time, and I’m prepared to leave to maintain NC.
I truly empathize with your survival struggles because I have been there for many years. At one point in my life, I lived in my car. It is something that most people never have to experience. I have lost count of the times I’ve debated with people over how first you have to use your energy to survive. THEN you get to ponder the meaning of your life. The problem I encountered is that I have spent SO MANY years in survival mode that I honestly don’t know what to do now that I am finally financially stable. I have never known anything besides survival. So I just want to let you know you’re not alone.
About becoming a bully after the spath, I’m not sure. There could be a number of reasons you are feeling like that, and it probably has something to do with different things getting triggered by what you are going through. I don’t think you are “becoming a sociopath” and I wouldn’t worry about that. It could also just be survival or a strong sense of justice. You should hear how I talk to the phone company when they screw up my bill!
One of the reasons NC is so good is that you can’t really let your guard down and relax until you know the spath is out of your life. And you can’t heal till you can relax. It becomes a catch 22 when you want revenge/justice so badly that you put your life/healing on hold to get it. Given the choice, I would not have turned mine in, because it took 6 months for the investigation to be completed. During that 6 months, he remained in the back of my mind. I had to keep evidence on my computer and voice mail. The only reason I turned him in is because I wanted him off my website. I told him that if I ever saw him again on my website, I would turn him in. So I did. It worked, and he seems to be gone. I would have preferred he just take my offer and leave so I could have moved on with my life sooner. I don’t really care what he’s up to as long as I don’t ever have to see or hear of him again. Even when people bring it up, I will quickly change the subject so as not to give it much energy.
You will get there too at some point, but you need some distance from the situation, which probably means staying off the site. If you find this is too hard, you may have an internet addiction as well that you need to break. I know I did.
If you feel you need to participate in the spath’s fraud case, you should definitely weigh the potential benefits to the toll it will take on you. Sounds like you need to focus on your survival right now.
Someting happened in the last 48 hours. I went from this really ‘hard up against it state’ to some peace – what is called a ‘purification’ in buddhism.
I have been setting smallish goals and meeting them. there is TOO much that needs doing and sorting and i have been very overwhelmed. And although this bit of peace probably won’t last, I am savouring it.
Because there is so much that needs attention i have been trying to beat myself into doing it all and i just can’t. I HAVE to take it slow. i have been living in emergency mode for too long.
i found a local agency that will help with first months rent on a new place, and one that will help when utilities are going to be cut off. and a couple of other things. so, good. I still can’t make the commitment to move -that’s still to big and requires a 2 month notice, and I don’t know what i can do this afternoon, let alone 2 months from now. And yes, the house is still toxic, but i just have to hang in there, and keep spending as much time away from it as possible.
and i have started a conversation with myself about my family. they are no more. I will begin to view myself as without family form now on, as a way to move away form their toxic crap. enough. i will be free and i will succeed or fail on my own.
I don’t know where to go on this site to post. I am new and I need help…..My story is very much the same as everyone else’s. Last year got out of 20-year marriage to what I believe now to also be a sociopath or something and straight into a relationship 5 months later with I am certain has to be one along with many other things. He wooed me, pampered me, “loved” me, made me fall head over heels in love with him and marry him less than 6 months later and now we aren’t together. I see him for what he is, he has hurt me emotionally, mentally, and verbally, degraded me, betrayed me, lied to me, and all the other “to-mes” there is. He’s left here three times, two of which I let him back in, this time he’s only been gone a week and 2 days yet I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop wanting him, I can’t stop thinking of the good times, the “love” we shared, I can’t stop loving him. I am literally dying a slow and painful death. I am certain he doesn’t care about me and my children (he so wonderfully claimed 8 months ago to want to take under his wing and help me finish raising). I am left at this point without a penny. Bills to be paid, no food in the pantry, no Christmas for my kids, wondering if my electricity will stay on or if I’ll get to keep my car and he doesn’t care. He moved ‘back in’ with his parents where he lived when I met him and after two other failed marriages (he’s 40) and is living off of them once again scott free while his paycheck gets cashed and goes for whatever he needs it to go for. The child support check I get for my four girls from my first husband isn’t enough to cover expenses let alone get them Christmas. I can’t find a job though I have searched and searched for months. I haven’t worked in over 17 years because I chose to raise my family instead but now no one wants to give me a job so I can continue to raise them.
This man wooed me in April….good-looking (to me), strong, personal trainer (at the time but couldn’t tell it now) with secrets I would only find out later. He too talked of how he was part of some Merc group at an early age in which he claims to have taken a life, broken legs, hurt women and children for money and how he now regrets it all and it haunts him. He had been married twice. First time was for 13 years. Said he was young, cheated on her early on, she forgave him, stayed with him about 10 years. He said she wanted a child but he kept telling her wait, not yet, and several years later he claims she secretly went of her birth control and “had an affair” and got pregnant. He said he made her feel so bad about it that she agreed to an abortion. They divorced after that. I wonder now if it was his own child and he just did not want it. He married a second time to a woman he claimed to date for a year before marrying her only to find out 2 months into the marriage that she was an alcoholic…..that he left her but i he could not afford to divorce her. Though the papers that I saw state that she in fact filed for divorce 2 years into the marriage. In between marriages he claims to have had relations with numerous women but always used protection. One of which he claimed to have “been” with Reece Witherspoon……(she’s from this area!) Any of his “serious” relationships always ended because the woman ended up being mental as he put it or very unstable and game-players.
I fell for all of his lies. When friends told me to slow down, get to know him better before making this kind of decision he got angry and told me they just didn’t want me happy because they weren’t happy themselves and I ended up believing it. He is a very jealous man. Asked me not to wear perfume unless we were going to be together because people only wear perfume/cologne to attract the opposite sex. I could not work-out at the gym unless he was going to be there either working out or training others because of a certain man (at least 16 years younger than I) that worked there also that he did not want me talking to. He is jealous of my girls tho he always claimed to want a family and to be part of us and help raise them where their father failed and to be there to support them. Although, he had tried to get on disability so he would never have to work again and wanted me to file for bankruptcy (which I didn’t) However, every waking moment he wanted me either with him or on the phone whether my kids were around or not. Time with him was and should have been my priority in his eyes and if my kids needed me, they were too clingy or too spoiled. I have heard many times how badly I raised my kids because they need me. He says they expect me to be there…….(duh) therefore how will they ever survive in the real world.
He loved me by the first week or two of dating and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I managed to put him off for a couple of months but then gave in and accepted his proposal. He was so much of what I had always hoped for in a husband. Swept me off my feet. Told me I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever been with (and reminded me often he’d been with many), the sexiest, the sweetest, kindest, most loving real woman he’d ever met. Told me how I made him want to be a better person and he was going to do just that. Told me how no other woman had made him feel as passionate sexually as I did. Promised me the world…..tho he didn’t even have a tiny part of the world. I loved him, I didn’t want money, I didn’t want anything he had, I wanted him….or the person he said he was.
He wanted to marry right away but I insisted we wait a few months. Four months later, we wed. Small but pretty wedding that he mostly paid for. Honeymoon (which costs more than the wedding and was only a 2 hour drive to Chattanooga for a few days) was paid for by me because he convinced me to use the only money I had saved up for a particular bill (which involved ex in-laws so he didn’t like it) to pay for it.
Fighting started on honeymoon because he told me 4 days into it that our sex-life was going to suck because of my kids at home and we would only get to have sex every-other weekend. Hurt and angry at that I still offered many suggestions, mornings after they were gone to school….his reply…no, mornings weren’t a good time for him, takes him too long to wake up. Ok, during the day before you go to work…..his reply, from the beginning of time and in the movies, books, etc. sex is done after the moon comes out, it just helps the mood. Ok, but can’t we at least try? His reply, like I said, our sex-life is going to suck. I’ve been called a twelve year old (I am 40) because I liked to laugh and have fun and it is because I spend too much time with my children. Now…I don’t know laughter.
He wants a child since he has none of his own. I told him I would like to try. He insisted I did not take birth control due to the risks at my age. I fell for it. A couple of weeks into the marriage I felt like the fighting was too bad and we needed to fix our marriage before trying so I said I was going to take bc anyway. He got livid. Told me I had stripped every dream he ever had away. I didn’t love him but I loved my ex-husband because I had 4 kids with him. No matter how much I have told him that I still wanted to just not now, not till we get things worked out and calmed between us. Not good enough. He doesn’t hear that and insists that I have said I never want to have a child with him. After 1 day on BC he told me that sex with me wasn’t the same for him anymore. That it just didn’t mean anything now knowing there would not be a child produced from it and if he was going to feel that way then I just didn’t have to take them anymore.
He left once for one day. An hour after he left, he had placed a personal ad on Craigslist looking for a mistress as his wife was cold, heartless and he had enough. Not knowing this, I asked him to come home that night. 2 weeks later he was found to have lied to me over an item he had tried to steal from my daughter. He, not me, he started packing his things and left. Never told him to, we were discussing what had happened. He was gone for about 4 days and I could not take it. I wanted to hold him and just believe that all would be ok with us. That day I stumbled across his personal ad because I had gotten an “idea” he may have done this. I pretended to be someone interested and contacted him via email. He then started a chat with “her” via IM and txting me…the real me on his phone telling me how much he loved me and wanted to come home. I met him in town that night and confronted him. He didn’t deny it. Told me it was done out of anger 3 weeks earlier and he wouldn’t have done anything with it anyway although this was 3 weeks later and he had in fact been chatting with “her” though he was no longer “angry”. 2 days later…..I asked him to come back home.
His dependency on pain pills has worsened. Running to mommy for pills a few times per week. The last time he did, I got upset. The next morning, he asked me did I want him to leave. I simply said, “I don’t know, things don’t seem to be getting better between us.” He said ok, packed his things and left. Didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to work it out, nothing. Six hours later I get a txt from him telling me that I had caused all of this. We have not spoken since but have txtd. Many of which are not very nice. I asked for help with bills, he lied saying he has no money (when he cashed his paycheck 2 days before he left and I never saw any of it) and that why should he help me when he wasn’t wanted. Nevermind that you have a wife and 4 stepdaughters that have no food and can’t pay the bills. He on the other hand has mommy and daddy paying his way, providing him warm shelter, filling his stomach and licking his wounds and he goes about with a clear conscious.
Still I miss him. I wanted us to work. I love him. I can’t stop. I think about him constantly. I wonder if he is chatting with someone or talking to another woman. I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him. I’m 5’5″ and 125 lbs. He’s 6′ and 230+ lbs so I couldn’t throw him far!!! I got mad once and while yelling pounded his shoulder saying you don’t even care and he turned later to say how I abused him. Knowing all of this, I can’t let go. It is ripping me to pieces. I am depressed…very depressed. I am penniless, jobless and hopeless. I don’t know how to proceed. I’m pretty much frozen in place. I don’t want to eat, sleep, do laundry, anything. How do you move from here? I’m pretty sure he doesn’t care. He has it made and sure, he’d come back if I asked him to. We have been in marriage counseling for nearly 2 months. He has missed his last 3 appts. I continue to go just to get through my days. The counselor (a Christian one at that) wonders why I want to put myself through it. She and his counselor as well, know he is not a normal human, they see it and have told me that people like him sometimes never get better and if I stay I will have to accept that could be the case with him. He thinks he’s fine. He blames me for most of it. Has promised to change what he thinks he needs to but hasn’t shown any effort to do so. I am fainting, falling, crumbling….desperate. Anybody? Help?
whattodo,
Well you always have to start somewhere…And you started in a good place LF.
Read the articles. Don’t even read all the comments below the articles yet because the articles themselves are going to be enough for now.
As hard as it is to believe you are in love with the illusion he created not the REAL person he is. That illusion is what you are missing and wanting. It IS an addiction and is very poweful.
Your counselor is right he will never change.
As you read the articles you will be able to identify with alot of what you read if you were targeted by an S/P/N.
The love bombing that he did early on in your relationship is very typical of this disorder. Thats what “hooks” you. Once they reel you in they show their true selves. That is what you saw more recently. Who he really is. He is NOT capable of love.
wattodo:
Welcome. You’re in the right place.
For starters, it sounds to me like Husband #2 is a sociopath — the lack of empathy, the lack of responsibility, the sense of entitlement, the lying, the manipulation, the cheating, the controlling behavior toward you, the keeping you off balance, the love bombing up front followed by the devalue and discard (right on the timetable — around month 3) — it is all there. And let’s not forget the claims he was a mercenary — that’s a familiar twist on the ol’ I was a Navy Seal or I was a POW song and dance.
The man who I became involved with did exactly the same thing to me. And did I mention he was an ex-con? Oh, yeah. And to really make the story good, I was a criminal defense attorney and I still got sucked in by one of these creatures. When I finally drove him off 13 months ago it was after 15 months of holy hell. Okay, the first 3 months were the walk in the clouds until the devalue and discard started. My point is that anybody can get taken in.
From a legal standpoint, I would cut my losses now and file for divorce or go for an annulment. To put it bluntly, it is not going to get better. YOu fell in love with an illusion. He never existed. Never.
There is a lot of help on this site. It was a godsend for me when I logged on a year ago. Knowledge = Power. I recommend reading Robert Hare’s “Without Conscience”. It will help you to get your head around what you have been dealing with. Also Marth Stout’s “The Sociopath Next Door.” Also, since this isn’t your first time down the sociopath turnpike you need to read “The Betrayal Bond” by Patrick Carnes. That book explains how we allow this to happen to ourselves. And if you think this traces back to your upbringing, I recommend “If You Had Controlling Parents” by Dan Neuharth. I now understand how my upbringing at the hands of a malignant narcissist mother and a sociopath father made me ripe for the picking by the time S came along. Also, there are a lot of good articles in the archives. Read, Read, Read.
One other thought — you are subjecting your kids to this creature. There are others on this site who have kids and been involved with these creatures, so they can better address this topic, so I think you should bring up that topic to them.
It is a good sign you are in counselling. But, the best way you can get your head out of the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) is NC. No contact. It is that simple. When you go NC — and that means no calls, no texts, no smoke signals, no nothing, it give you a chance to regain some perspective. Going NC is what it all boils down to.
You’re in a place of healing. Once again, welcome.
Thank you witsend and Matt for your responses. I will have to say tho it has been over a week since he left this time, today has been the most difficult of any day with or without him. I have cried more than I thought one can. I believed this morning I was literally having a mental breakdown. My children visit their father every Tuesday until around 9:00 pm and just being alone with nothing to do but think or watch television and see reminders has been extremely difficult. I tired driving to the mall just to walk around a bit but hearing the Christmas music and seeing happy people just made me walk around in tears wishing things were different and he were walking beside me.
I have read about the NC and again, that is one of the hardest things. He has texted me here and there that he loves me but goes for hours and hours with NC which hurts more because it drives home the truth that he must REALLY not care tho he says he does and it’s me that doesn’t. I really used to believe that he was what he claimed to be. I wanted him to be so badly.
I began to realize something wasn’t quite right before we married tho. He cried at the drop of a hat, almost on cue. He would have “fainting” spells that just didn’t seem real. Every time we would have an argument (which usually would last anywhere from a couple of hours to a couple of days) he would end it with “are you going to leave me” or “do you still want to marry me”. Then beg over text all night please don’t leave me. I can’t live without you. I wouldn’t want to go on without you. We made 3 trips to the ER from June until September and 2 of them were after or during an argument and his heart began to hurt. Every time turned out to be perfectly fine. He has thousands of dollars in hospital bills that he refuses to pay because he has no health insurance. He would even tell me how he realized after thinking things over that I was right and he was being silly but the next time, the same argument would arise. Most of them stemmed from his what I called “I feel” talks. He always “feels” like I don’t care enough, I don’t show him the attention he needs, I don’t really want him around, my kids don’t care about him and so on. I have to say, not to toot my own horn, that I showed that man more love than he could know what to do with. How can anyone say that you don’t love them when they treat you like dog mess, betray you by placing a personal ad on the internet while married and you still want them back? I loved/love him and wanted him and everyone else to know. I bought him clothes because he didn’t have many things. I paid for our meals when he didn’t have the money. I did and did and did for him because I wanted to. I felt for him what I had not felt in a long time if ever for my 1st husband.
Knowing I have no interest in my ex whatsoever, he has made numerous comments of how I must want to get back together with him. My ex husband makes me sick to my stomach. Who wouldn’t be sick after finding out that at least 15 or your 20 year marriage he had been hiding a porn addiction as well as also being very controlling and manipulative? This addiction mind you was going on in the next room to where his four children slept and his wife. Husband #2 was/is obsessed with husband #1 and speaks often of the fact that I had “relations” with him that produced 4 children and how that really makes him angry to think about although he himself claims to have “been with” numerous, numerous women. From one-night stands to weeks to months to some that lasted a few years.
As I sit here and write this stuff, I loathe him, I get so angry and think I never want to see him again and NC seems it would be easy but it doesn’t take long for that to subside and I begin to hurt for him. To wish things could be better. As I did tonight walking through the mall thinking….maybe, just maybe God will use His miracle working power and change him and we can be happy for the rest of our lives…….then I feel hopeful……then I realize I haven’t heard from him in hours and he probably isn’t even thinking about me….if he were he would care that I have $80 to my name until the day after Christmas and no food in my pantry, no credit left on my credit card, no way to make Christmas cookies with my kids like we have done every year….then I cry once more! Vicious cycle i can’t seem to stop. Sat in my car, head on steering wheel weeping, wanting, wondering, waiting to wake up from the nightmare.
Yes Matt, I realize I have to think of my children and I do. They also loathe this man for what he has done. My 10yr old said when I asked her why she fell in love with him the way she did was because “he made you so happy when you first met, but now he makes you cry and makes you sad and I don’t like him.” I realize I am probably NOT teaching my four daughters the kind of man to look for when the time comes and I pray they don’t get caught in the same trap as I have.
I hope I can soon begin to let go. I will continue to read from here and even get the books suggested. Possibly the season it is makes this worse. The thought of being alone. Remember, I married my first husband at the tender age of just turning 19 and was married to him for 20 years. I met and married him after having a long-term relationship from age 15-almost 18 with a boy that physically abused me by biting me and smacking me and also cheating on me with other girls. Since I was old enough to know what dating was, I had someone I thought loved me, cared for me, wanted ME with me. It is hard to imagine life alone or ever trusting another man. Actually, I spoke those words after my 1st husband. I will never trust another man as long as I live. I don’t ever want another man in my life, who needs them? 5 months later, I was hooked….
I’m scared. Scared of the loneliness, scared of the unknown, scared of the future, scared of losing everything I have financially, emotionally, mentally, even my kids’ respect, scared of never loving or being loved again the way a woman should be loved. So another day ends and I cry myself to sleep.