Lovefraud has heard from a woman who we’ll call “Sally.” Sally is dealing with a sociopathic man who threatened to kill her, sabotage her daughter’s career and injure other family members. She says law enforcement either doesn’t believe her or doesn’t care.
Sally has been in touch with another of the sociopath’s victims, and they’ve helped each other through the nightmare. Still, people in regular support groups don’t believe them, and friends and family members have backed away. A lawyer and a therapist have backed away.
Sally recently sent Lovefraud the following e-mail:
You just can’t imagine this, because I can’t either. The person that was me is gone ”¦ and no one has taken her place.
I know who I was with all my faults and history ”¦ I was comfortable there. I guess this is a journey ”¦ but to where I don’t know. There is no light.
For 62 years I was me and now I am gone. What will I be? Will I be able to live with who I end up being?
I’m sitting in my living room and I am crying and I don’t know why. For the loss of hope? For fear? Fear of the future … for breast cancer ”¦ for the loss of my two best friends? For being stupid? For losing my children? And I am responsible for these losses.
I am dull, I am inert. I fill my head with senseless TV – I don’t know what I’m watching.
I want to dance and sing and laugh. I want to ride bareback thru the fields and listen to the silence.
But I will do none of those things. They’re only dreams. I am too tired. They are too far away from my new reality. Reality is my home, my prison, the awake hours. My routine – sleep as long as I can – take pills to help me not to have panic attacks – sometimes I eat. Day is night, and night is day ”¦ there’s no difference anymore.
I am smothered in sadness – and I am so angry, at myself.
I used to accomplish so much in a day and now it can all wait for another day.
I remember the hopelessness. I remember feeling that I had nothing to hold on to, that everything I knew was gone. I had no plans for the future, no idea of what was to become of me.
And I remember coming to terms with it.
How can you possibly come to terms with the devastation wrought by a sociopath? My healing involved two related and intertwined adjustments in my thinking.
Acceptance
The first adjustment was that I had to accept what happened.
Everything I was told by my sociopathic ex-husband was a lie. I had been deceived, swindled and betrayed. He had convinced me to spend all of my money, and go into debt, to support his grandiose plans. I’d neglected my own business to participate in his schemes. I’d won a judgment against my ex in court, but it was useless. I’d spent money I didn’t have on collection agencies and lawyers, and came up empty. I would not get any satisfaction from my ex.
I was broke and had no prospects for stable income. I did not know how I would survive, and I couldn’t argue with my circumstances any longer. The day finally came when I had to accept that, for the time being, this was my life.
Present moment
The second adjustment in my thinking was to focus on the present moment.
We all spend a lot of time reliving the past and projecting into the future. We ruminate over everything that happened with the sociopath. We worry about what will happen to our jobs, our kids, our homes.
Although this is legitimate, the only place where we truly live is right now, in the present moment. We can only take action now. So much like recovering from an addiction, we have to take our lives one day at a time.
It’s not easy. We want to know that we’ll be okay. We want to know how everything will work out. But I learned that if we give up our expectations of what ought to be, life can bring us wonderful solutions that we didn’t even think of.
This is one of the big themes in my book, Love Fraud—How My Marriage to a Sociopath Fulfilled My Spiritual Plan, which will be published in the spring.
Suggestions for Sally
So what should Sally do? From her letter, it sounds like she is suffering from depression. This is no surprise. We all know that the devastation wrought by sociopaths, and the callous response of the legal and financial systems, can leave us depressed.
Maybe Sally is strong enough to cope with the depression on her own. But if she feels like she needs assistance, that’s one step that she can take right now, today—seeking treatment for depression.
It would be a step towards her healing. For Sally to continue to move forward, I lovingly suggest the approach that I outline here—accepting what has happened, and focusing on one day at a time.
It’s not easy. Accepting what has happened leads us to grief over what we have lost. The grief needs to be processed, and it’s not fun. Actually, that may be where Sally is right now. There’s no way to avoid the pain; we have no choice but to move through it. But it does come to an end.
The process is much more manageable if we only deal with this day, or perhaps this hour. For Sally to try to sort out the rest of her life right now would be impossible, and probably counterproductive.
Sally has dreams. She wants to sing and dance and ride bareback through the fields, listening to the silence. Sally should hold on to her dreams, even though, at this point, she does not know how they will be realized.
Right now she’s moving through the rough patch. But each day moves her one day closer to the possible fulfillment of her dreams. All she has to do is hold on, and gradually, her ability to accomplish will return.
Who will she be? An even better version of who she was.
thanks for the feedback everyone. I certainly am not surprised by the advice given and I know it to be true myself. There is one more strange piece to this bizarre tale that is my life (LOL). I recently saw one of my best friends from where I used to live and we got to talking about all of this a little bit again. He knew her and liked her alot at the time. He proceeds to tell me that against my wishes, because he did ask, he sent her a letter 5 months ago and in a nice way gave her some shit for what she put me through. I had no idea this happened until last week and then I got her letter soon after that. I thought it was a coincidence. Then the strangest thing happened and as I was telling him a few days after I received her letter he tells me that he sent her ANOTHER letter in a drunkun stupor at 3:30 in the morning. I asked him to forward it to me and my jaw hit the floor with what I saw. He destryoed her, it was only a few sentences long but he said some of the nastiest, death wish stuff I’ve ever read. I didn’t even express feeling that way about her when I saw him but he was so fired up about what she did to me still that he felt compelled to say those things. But then the next mornng she writes me and apologizes for everything and wishes me well. How in the world can anyone dissect complexities of this magnitude.
I know I know better than to get back involved with this person again. But it was just the weirdest thing hw I was just doing my thing, minding my own business, and all this kind of blows up in my face again. Life’s strange 🙂
It was just weird that he wrote stuf that nasty and then she came back and broke the silence to me after 7 months with a concise, but very apologetic, friendly email but never asking me to respond. If she wanted me to respond, wouldn’t she have said something to that effect? Or is this a tactic to see where I stand with her, if I’ll let her back in? I kind of just chuckle about it now, at how bizarre this has gotten. This is the only place in the world that people can speak from similar experiences, anyone else I talk to about it really doesn’t understand what it was like. Thanks lovefraud. And than you all for getting back to me. I still love you rosa!
and Donna, I look forward to reading that link to that article. I’m sure it’ll hit the nail on the head along with just about everything else around here…thanks
Good Grief, Your story sounds so much like mine and a lot of other people’s on here. I too am new here, but I have been reading these blogs for over a year. The NC is the only way to keep them out. I write in a journal so I will remember how my S treated me. I was engaged to him and became very close to his daughter(who is an S also) and his mom and dad. His own brother does not like him and has to “clean up” so many times his messes with all the past ex’s. I wish I would have met him first, he could have warned me, lol. He would tell me one thing and tell all his friends something else. He is now engaged to a woman who he knew in high school, 4 months after I broke it off with him, again and for the last time. She had a thing for him then and he moved on it very quickly! I guess she’ll have to find out for herself, and hopefully her family will be there for her when she realizes what he is! Take care and hugs
Good Grief,
someone who would do that to you is a narcissist at bare minimum and perhaps even a sociopath. When your friend wrote that scathing letter, it caused a narcissistic injury. They always want revenge after a narcissistic injury. The female narcissist is actually more dangerous than the male. (My ExP is more like a female-P in his tactics) They use subtle manipulations, slander and psychological warfare that goes to your heart and causes permanent damage. They are able to hold back any rage until the hook is placed firmly in your heart, they don’t slip up by coming at you straight forward, it’s a side-long slither through the grass then suddenly they’re nuzzling your neck and all you’ll get is a flash of the fangs before the bite sinks in. Get the picture?
Good Grief,
The important thing to note is that she has the uncanny ability to know EXACTLY how to get back into your head. Even after all this time. That is what they do best.
You might not respond to her, but she has already taken up space in your head. At the end of your email you are already questioning her tactics or if she wants you to respond or……..
Don’t think about it in this way as that is how she created the slippery slope to begin with. Its part of her strategy, to get you thinking about her.
N/C, N/C, N/C….
God…I love LF…I dont know what I’d do without it! This blog sent me to tears because it is everything I feel and I know what its like to be tossed to the side by the unbelievers…my mom included. So you do find yourself alone…trying to keep some normalcy while raising 4 kids….but we live in a hotel…it is not normal…and the bills keep piling…and you dont know how long you can keep your business going…but it is a reality…he is never gone…he waits in the wing to finish me off…and I sit waiting for the next court ordeal he will do to drain me of my last dime…Its so hard to comprehend such evil..I do find comfort in the luxurious times I can go into denial…but I too SHThead..am planning my future before you the S strikes again…and I WILL WIN…just to spite your souless being. I hope GOD gives you all strength….We need it ..we need each other…thank you all…Slowlt but surely getting stronger..I hope all S’s enjoy the pits of HELL
Dear Goodgrief,
I remember when you were here before, and you were obscessing on writing a letter to her for days because she had gone NC with you, telling her in the letter what you thought about her and in the end you admitted you wanted this letter to CONTROL her. You went on about all the things you had DONE for her (I think she was ill if I remember correctly) and how much you had done and how little gratitude she had toward you and how she had gone NC on you.
I am glad that you are going on with your life. The friend writing her a nasty letter and then her “apologizing” to you in another one out of the blue does NOT mean that she has changed or that you should have a relationship with her.
From the long and detailed letters you wrote to her in the past (sent or unsent) and from the details you revealed about the relationship itself in the past, at the very least, whether or not she is a psychopath, she is obviously not a healthy fit for you.
While you may still think about her on a daily basis, the relationship IS and WAS NOT what you wanted it to be, what you wished it to be.
I suggest that you work on yourself, and work on EMOTIONAL NC as well as physical NC with this woman.
Whatever she is, she has not changed. You described the relationship (in your other posts a while back) as being pretty ONE sided, you gave and gave and she took and took, and showed, you thought, no appreciation for all the things you had done for her. She refused to come and join you in another city, after telling you that she intended to.
Many of us can recite a litiny of giving and giving to the other party in our relationships, and receiving little or nothing back in return for our generosity. Giving to others without receiving any reciprocity in return generally makes the giver eventually resentful and angry. Relationships should not be one sided. Even when you are giving to a helpless baby, a smile from the infant in appreciation is repayment, but you represented in the older posts, if I remember correctly ,that your relationship with her was not seemingly reciprocated. You felt like you had been used.
Sometimes we offer help to others who in their desperation or neediness take that offered help, but do not respond in a way that we see as reciprosity. I know that my egg donor offered freely to give me money, but what she wanted in return was control over me. It was not a gift, freely given, but by her “generosity” she wanted control of my life. Is it possible that you offered love and help to this woman, and expected a reciprocation of your love, but she took only your help and did not reciprocate your love?
I am not devaluing your feelings about this relationship, I am sure it was a very painful one for you, but your ADMITTED desire for CONTROL over this woman because she went NC with you after you had done so much for her, makes me think that whatever the relationship was, it was UNhealthy, but not necesszarily psychopathic on either side.
Of course I do not think it is fair or right for someone to take gracious gifts from someone and pretend to love that person to keep the gifts coming. I also do not think it is wise to have a relationship that is one-sided either, in which one person tries to ‘earn” the love of the other.
I hope that you will, Good grief, stay here and read and learn and examine both her, yourself and the relationship and learn from the situation, so that your life will be better. that you can acheive Emotional NC with this woman, take away whatever lesson there was in the situation and live a healthy life and have healthy relationships. The best thing I have learned here at LF is that no one can use or abuse me unless I allow it. I can’t fix them, but I can sure as heck improve myself. God bless you in your search for peace.
I really wish Alicia would check back in here on LF. To me, she was hovering too closely over the abyss, suffering from a tremendous amount of pain without relief.
I do understand being bombarded by suicidal thoughts and images. This was my nightmare for years. And I’m sure it’s hers.
I don’t suffer that constant nightmare any longer and I cannot express in words how awesome, how releasing it is to have a clear mind and spirit devoid of terrible, self harming thoughts.
I want her to know that she shouldn’t give up. That there is light at the end of that dark tunnel if she doesn’t give up on herself and life.
I’m not going to patronize her by offering a list of how tos because she is an unique, special individual with her own personal needs and wants. But I can offer her an attentive ear to listen while she shares her pain.
In many situations, just having a caring person listening without offering advice, is the best form of therapy there is.
Alicia, I will not be hesitant, afraid, overwhelmed, repulsed by anything you want/need to share on this website. Not in the slightest.
Me or one of the other superb LF tribe members will be here to listen and care when you wish to come back.
We are all ears, mind, heart and spirit.
I came to this site in hope that I might find an answer to what I am going through. I see that many people have faced similar scenarios in their lives and I would like to share my story and see what people think.
Well, I have known this guy for about six years now. I met him at school when I was just beginning college. He was asking about marriage but in the beginning I said to him that I wanted to wait to get married because I thought it was important to finish up school first. I thought that at least if anything happens in the future (divorce etc.) I could at least have something to fall back on and earn a living. I thought that he was fine with this. He never came empty handed. When we went out together he would pay for our meals and he always had a small gift (i.e. flowers, chocolate ) I am a very religious girl and I do not know how I let this happen to me but I will have to admit because I do not want to leave any details out of this story I am a very religious girl believing that you should wait until marriage before becoming involved sexually. I do not know it just felt natural and I allowed myself to become involved that way with him. Not all the way however.
Well, anyhow, about a year into the relationship I started asking when he would come to meet my parents. I was ready to get this in the open. And, he said to me “you cannot do everything.
you will not be able to manage all of the bills.” So, I said “I understand but I will be becoming a nurse and whatever you make we can put two and two together and I think we could make it.” He responded, “you have never had a real job before, you do not know what it is like out there. you cannot manage on your salary alone.” So, I said ok.
This is when he brought in the fact that he had run into financial problems. And, at this time I really had no money to help him. But, he said to me look if you cannot help me it is ok…I just will have to move back to my country and see what I can do. And, I said if you go back then I will never be able to see you again. He said well what else can I do. So, I took out a small loan to help him. Being in love with him I helped him out. I did not want to lose him.
As more time is going on…I am near now to finish school. He mentions that there is a business opportunity that he sees he stands a chance at. So, I said go for it if you believe its a possibility. Well, he asks me to help to pay for the security deposit on an apartment. The apartment was to be close to a mall where the business was to be set up. And too, I helped him with what he said would be for the application fees of setting up the business. Anyhow, he told me “thank you so much for your patience with me….all your help…I am sending all the documents the business is asking for etc etc.” As time goes by I said so how is the business going. And he said to me…”It was more work than I thought it would be so I could not go through with it. Living four hours away the setting up of it was too much.”
So, anyhow I said ok. Things happen. We continue to spend time together. And then, he said to me look regardless of what happened I am willing to move down here by you and work two or three jobs if I have to to make this work. He said I would listen to you if you have any suggestions. I said what about school…the medical field is a good field to get into because you are guaranteed to always have a job. And he said, yeah but that would be like starting all over. I do not have the sciences for it. So, I said well what do you want to do.
He said he had become aware of another business opportunity that he really wanted to pursue. And, when he gets it set up he would be able to go to school at the same time by doing online classes. So, I said go for it. I really helped him a llllooot getting this business started because he showed me the documents involved and because he sounded like he knew a lot about business. He told me about how he used to work for a restaurant and he was in charge of running it etc. He would correct other employees telling them how things should be done the right way. So, I ended up investing a lot into getting him started.
As time is going by he said to me he wanted to get back into school. So, I invested in a semester of school for him. When I would ask about how school was going he told me “school sucks” So, I said “well, how is it going are you at least passing” He said, its just difficult being by himself and having to work and the travel back and forth from where he lives and here.” He said to me after the term ended that he just could not continue with that right now.
He asked me if I remembered about the business he was trying to set up. I said,”yeah ofcourse.” He said well, I am still trying to work on that. And, he asked me for more assistance. So, I helped him some more.
Well, then comes August of this year. I went out with him. We ate together. Then we went walking in the mall. And, I wasnt seeing him mentioning anything about where we were headed as a couple or when he would come to meet my parents. So, I said,” soo whats your plans” Because for months I had been asking him the same thing and he would say to me “dont worry i have plans ; ). He responded at the mall” do not worry you have surprises coming soon.” So, in my mind I said finally ! Well, we are walking in the mall and hes walking over to things and saying “doesnt that look like a nice family gift.” And, I said, “I wouldnt tell you what to bring over when you come.” I felt awkward to ask anyone for a gift.
Well, that day ended. And, I thought ok soon somethings going to happen. He is coming soon to propose.
Well, then I went a period of 3 months exactly without hearing from him at all. And, during that time i was worried sick thinking omg what if hes sick or something happened to him. I called him maybe ten times a day. I even asked his friends online if theyve heard from him. And, the first time i asked they said all they know is that he loves me. To which I said, “how do you know that” And they said he used to talk about you a lot.” Apparently these were his roommates from the beginning of the relationship but he had moved out. They were the only people i knew that knew him.
Well…..finally I get a call from him. He apologized for not being able to get in contact saying its because he was going through family issues. He brought his mom all the way here to meet my family. And, in the flight she got sick ending up in the hospital. So, I said oh no, “can i come down and see her” Then I thought you know what maybe i shouldnt because if I get into an accident on the way there or lost or whatever. So, I said, when shes stable why dont you come down. Its been a while since I have seen you.
Well, when he comes down…I felt like it had been forever. I was so happy to see him and at the same time so anxious to know what our plans were. So, I said sooo when you going to come meet my parents they have been begging me to invite you over. And, his face went blank. He said,” you always bring this up. we have gone over this a million times. i do not even feel like eating right now. i want to go home.” So, I said forget i mentioned it…let us go inside and get something to eat.
While we are eating I said to him “hows your mom” He said she was doing better. And then I said well how does she feel about us. He said well…shes a little skeptical becuase you are of a different race than me. So, that stuck me through the heart. And I said…so how do you feel though. And, he said his feelings had not changed so I felt a little better. I even mentioned you know if you asked me to marry you tomorrow I would put my masters aside bc thats not important to me as getting married and starting my life. And he responded ,”well thats not how it was when you wanted to do your bachelors.” Well, it was time to go. And, he said if i could stay longer and I said no i have to get back home buuuuut if you would like to come home wiht me my parents would be excited to meet you and you could stay whole evenign with us and then go home.
He said , “are you serious ?!” I said, yes. He said “well, i would love to but this is not the right time. i am not even dressed.”
So I said ok. And he then asked me to see me the following day. I said I couldnt buut I could see him the day after that. So, he stayed here in a hotel until i could see him. And, I did.
Well, on that day upon arriving to see him he looked verrrry down and he was looking at his phone. I approached him and said whats wrong ? He said his mom was calling him on the phone asking him where he had been. And because she was sick he felt bad for not going back and making sure shes ok rather than overnighting. So, I said “oh, but do you have to go back right away” He said, no.
Then he said,” you know …the only way i see out of this is to move permanently by you interact wiht family more so that they know me for who i am and then ask for your hand. I am too far away and because they knew already of some of the money that you had lent me i already look bad. So, I said that would be great. I could see you more often. He said , “well would you be willing to help me. I said , “how much he would need.” He told me a large sum. So , I said wow in my mind. And, I said, well you know i work hard for my money. I definitely could not give that to you at one time. Little by little maybe. He said to me think about it.
Well, anyhow….we spend day together. I just could think to ask about things. And, he said i was making my time with him depressing. All I am doing is worrying now when he comes to see me.
Anyhow, parents got involved and asked me to put him on phone the following day after seeing him. They talked to him nicely and said…you know our daughter loves you very much talks about you all the time…when would you be interested in coming to meet us. And, he said he was going through a lot right now and did not know when. So, then they asked for a rough time frame. Anyhow, he said he is not sure exactly.
I felt bad i put him on the spot. He said to me “you deceived me you tricked me. now i do not even know who is calling me, . on and on i couldnt get to talk to him..finally he said call.
So, I said I am very sorry they just wanted to talk to you to invite you over nothing more. And he said next time i lie to him that i should not even think to talk to him anymore. Well, then he said you know if i considered helping him. He thought that that was our plan. I said, I will see what I can do. I began to help him.
He said to me, “if you cannot get it to me all in cash if i had anything valuable then anything woudl help.” “those things can always be replaced. Well, I gave him some of my jewelry. (when i had seen him before those three months he had looked really happy really good and this time he looked like really depressed and stressed) After I gave that then I thought back you know this is really too much from me.
My parents actually got involved and said you know what you should not give him any more help. They didnt know of the recent money he asked for. And i said you know what “I cannot help you anymore. If my parents knew about this this would really make you look bad in front of their eyes” he responded, ” you never listen to what i tell you..you always do what your parents say. you are an adult you do not have to do what they tell you to do.”
All in the middle of this another guy had shown interest. Which I told him about to make it be known to him its all more a reason that he needs to come and meet them. I said I do not have any interests in this other guy. He is the only one i have loved and will only love. And he responded..”i know what youre going to do you will end up marrying that other guy just bc your parents told you to. ” “they do not respect your choice you have made. and the reason they put me on the phone was to judge me within just five minutes that I was no good for you so that you would marry the other guy”
I said this is not true i love you and only you. He said, “its not about that. at this point we both understand that. its about getting there.”
well, then after all of this i am on the phone one day wiht a friend and i get a text “how are you” i couldnt respond right away. in the middle of the call i got about twelve texts, “100, 90,…..etc. like a countdown.” and after the call i said, “i’m ok” even though i was feeling very down. and he said,”is that all i get after worrying about you you respond after an hour and i said i answered you as soon as i could i was on the phone.
the next day he said, “how are you in a text.” and i said im doing alright how are you and he said feeling he was alright. i called him because i wanted to actually talk to him not just text. And we talked normal. well, i was at work and i said you know i gotta go. And, when i am back to work he called me about six times. and i couldnt answer. so, when i got chance to call back, 15 minutes later he wouldnt answer. and i said in a text, i am trying to call you back. and he said, oh excuse, me you did the same thing. so, i said, i’m sorry i had to get back to work.
tried to call him anytime throughout work that i could but he wouldnt answer.
well, anyhow my parents left him a message only saying that he took a lot of advantage on me and if he was man enough he would call back and apologize nothing more and he texted me back saying, “that they left him so many insults..and that the accusations are unfair and offensive.”
And so i responded feeling bad…i said they just never got to know you….and he said then its not fair to judge someone without knowing them first. “he just feels very hurt from the messages and is feeling sad.
Good Grief: I can respond to you because I am going thru the same type of situation-only it was me who walked out. This x of mine has remarried [three weeks and he was ‘forced’ into it. He is already calling me. First call was about taxes and I answered the questions. Second call was an apology with nothing else said. Then he says: “I will talk to you later.” I should add he started both calls off with the soft ‘hey’ of years ago. The first call is business and I had to take it….the second call was business but not really…hence the apology. Nothing else is said because they don’t want you to suspect there is ANY motive except sheer remorse. Then they quickly exit to throw you off center while you are waiting for the other shoe to drop….they don’t drop it. All part of the con. [ Time will pass and I will get another call etc……till I eventually figure out what the real con is about.]
In your x’s case your friend stuck her face in reality and let her know her con was exposed….so she emailed to ‘show she is really a great person’….and for you to tell your friend what she has done…which is apologize. See; they carefully ‘set the stage’ for what con they are going to run. Give you something that seems real and then move you closer and closer to what they want….while taking your guard down with each contact by asking for nothing and seeming sincere. As sky said; once the hook is set here they come….but they have to get the hook in first and that is done with seeming sincere, sorry and really a good changed person. Till they get you back hooked then out comes the demon to break you again till either you walk or they hook up with a better sucker. Sad….but this is the way they are and the good fun sweet person you love is only an illusion-smoke and mirrors……*sigh…….
I know….I hate that it is….but we have to face the reality.
*Think of it this way: you have an actor/actress you really like and you see them in a great performance that makes you a fan even more because of the role they are playing…you relate to it. [Then you watch the behind the scenes and that actor/actress is acting arrogant, demanding and treats people like they are less than they are. It taints what you think of them….but think of what you would have thought of them if you only saw them in the role they played.] That’s the P….they play YOUR ideal and MIRROR who you are back to you. They do this to everyone. When they first meet you they are sizing you up-getting your personality typed in the first few minutes…then out comes the mirror. [When someone exposes them they start running ‘damage control.]