UPDATED FOR 2020
You’re in meltdown.
You’ve come to the conclusion that you’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that everything this person told you was a lie, from the details of his or her life to the proclamations of undying love.
Now it all makes sense. Now you understand how the unbelievable headiness of the whirlwind romance (love bombing) morphed into the silent treatment, unexplained absences and unprovoked rages (devalue and discard).
You have discovered the truth: The person you fell in love with never existed. Everything you saw and experienced was an act designed to exploit you.
You are crushed. Overwhelmed by disappointment and betrayal, the emotional pain is almost unbearable. So you ask, when will this go away?
How long does it take to recover?
The short answer is that it will take as long as it takes. But the important answer is that you don’t have to wait until you are fully recovered before you can live your life.
In fact, living your life helps you recover.
The two-track plan
This isn’t going to be like taking a course, where you attend for a specific length of time and then get your diploma.
It’s also not like going to a doctor when you’re physically ill. You don’t take a pill for a few weeks or months and then feel better.
Recovery from the sociopath is a two-track plan. It is about emotional recovery, and rebuilding your life. The good news is that you can, and should, work on both tracks at the same time. In fact, progress on one track will help you move along the other track.
Conscious decision
Your crucial first step is consciously deciding that you’re going to do what you need to in order to recover.
At first you may not want to. You may be tempted to sweep everything that happened under the rug, assuming that time heals all ills and sooner or later you’ll feel better. That’s possible, but it will take longer than if you do the personal work to recover.
Or, you may skip the work and think you’re feeling better, until something comes along like a new relationship — and all the buried pain rises to the surface. It may even sabotage your new chance at happiness.
Here’s another reason to decide to do the work: If you don’t fully recover from the pain inflicted by a sociopath, you are susceptible to falling for another sociopath. Embracing recovery can make a difference for the rest of your life.
Emotional recovery
So, back to the meltdown.
When it comes to your emotional recovery from the sociopathic betrayal, crying is good. Wailing is good. Curling up in a ball on the floor is good. Pounding a punching bag to release your anger is good. Any means of expression that naturally arises is good, as long as it is not destructive to you, other people, your pets or property.
The idea is to get the negative emotional energy out of your system.
Now, this is not pretty. Your friends and family most likely will not have the ability to be around you as you process your emotions. It is simply too distressing for other people, and they will want you to stop. But that’s not your objective. Your objective is to allow yourself to cry and wail until you feel a release.
Therefore, I recommend doing the processing alone. Even if you have a therapist, you may want to save your appointments for talking about what happened and gaining insight. But keep in mind that you can’t talk away your feelings. Even if you understand why you feel the way you do, you still need to process the emotions.
Drilling for oil
This process is like drilling for oil. You’ll hit a pool of pain, and the black goo will rise to the surface. You do some more drilling, and you’ll hit another pool, which will spout forth. The idea is to keep going until you drain all the black gooey pools of negative energy. Depending on how long you’ve been exposed to the sociopath, you may have many of them, so this can take awhile.
Eventually you’ll discover that one of the black pools is linked to some other experience or belief from earlier in your life one that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. Finding this is the equivalent of finding a gusher.
This is your objective — discovering and releasing the hidden pain that has skewed your perceptions and created a place within you for the sociopath to set his or her hooks. Addressing this issue whatever it is changes everything.
Adding joy
Draining off the pain creates voids within you, holes where the pain used to be. What do you do with them? You fill them with anything that brings you joy.
While you’re in meltdown, this may seem totally bogus. How can you possibly think about joy when your life is falling off a cliff? At least, that was my reaction when I received this advice. Everything was crumbling, and I’m supposed to do something to make me happy?
Well, guess what. It works. Any small activity that brings you an internal smile will do playing with your pets, going for a walk, enjoying a sunset. Filling those voids with little pieces of joy and happiness eventually changes your entire internal structure. Instead of pools of black gooey pain inside, you’ll feel a growing sense of peace.
Living your life
The second track of recovery, as I said, is living your life. Part of this is dealing with the practical and logistical problems created by the sociopath, such as money, your job, your home or your children.
These can, of course, be really big problems, and I don’t want to downplay them. The important point here is that because you’re following two tracks, you don’t need to solve all of these problems before beginning your emotional recovery. You work both tracks at once.
Again, as you resolve these issues, it’s important to rebuild other areas of your life at the same time. Reconnect with old friends that the sociopath pushed out of your life. Go back to activities that the sociopath made difficult or impossible — art, music, gardening, watching old movies, whatever you enjoyed. Or, start new activities.
Be sure to take care of your health. Eat right, avoid drugs and excessive alcohol, and get exercise. In fact, exercise can go a long way towards relieving depression and anxiety. It’s sometimes as effective as medication.
Living is recovery
Your recovery will likely seem uneven — two steps forward and one step back. But even halting progress is progress. By putting one foot in front of the other, you’ll keep moving down the tracks both of them.
Life brings opportunities. Perhaps you’ll have an opportunity to make new friends, or get a new job, or move to a new community. If the opportunity feels right, be open to it. You never know where it could lead you.
Living your life the way you want to is recovery.
Creepy vibe leads to discovery of ex-wives and criminal history
This is so helpful and clear – thank you. I read and reread these articles whenever I start to get off track. I have ups and downs – sometimes in the same day. It’s a journey but I’m learning to walk the path of recovery even after decades of abuse and confusion.
This is very helpful. I’ve just recently had a three year relationship end with someone who made me feel like I was their one and only. The shock of it all has been emotionally devastating. Realizing that the years that were devoted to this man meant nothing, the loss of your hopes and dreams. Knowing that he has moved on to someone else and within days of meeting, telling her how much he loves her.
My family has said a number of times, stop thinking about it, be happy he is somebody else’s problem, but I don’t want to stuff those emotions away, only to resurface later down the road. Recovery is painful, but I am looking forward to going through it and learning to never let this happen to me again
tamikaye2…
Often family and friends who have not experienced a breakup with this type of individual have no idea how devastating it can be. It’s not your normal breakup. The love-bombing and manipulation get us sucked into these relationships very deeply, making the addiction to them so incredibly difficult to break free of.
Your recovery will take time. I know how obsessive the thoughts can be. But it’s all part of the process. Take one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. Know that it’s not a straight path to recovery, but rather many ups and downs along the way, but you can do this!
Stay strong my friend….
carolann
Donna,
Thank you! This is so helpful. I realize that I have been stuck because I’ve only been dealing with the emotional side of recovery. Releasing has left large holes that I was not filling with joyful things. It’s almost been like I was punishing him by not moving forward myself. Now I realize the opposite is true. I’ve been giving him satisfaction by not finding my own happiness. That changes today!
I was looking forward to this article and as I expected, I found great direction. Thank you!
Donna, Amen!
I seem to be stuck not knowing how to release my emotions. I am in the middle of a divorce and put the house up for sale over the weekend. My soon to be ex-husband has literally bailed leaving me to figure everything out. Total discard of me and my daughters.
Anyway, I have been a tornado of activity; get boxes, separate items for garage sale, plan a garage sale, meet with realtors, start process of changing out his name on car titles, etc. I have cried only a few times. Even my therapist says I don’t talk about my feelings. But I think I’m just numb from it all, and really want the divorce behind me. Has this happened to anyone else?
Thank you for this forum!
Platinum, you are so recently out of the relationship, it is very normal to feel numb. In the stages of grief, shock is the first stage. It sounds like you are doing all the things you have to do business-wise to separate out your life. As long as you don’t numb yourself with drugs or alcohol, the feelings will come up when you are ready. You may be driving and hear a song on the radio…..that’s how it happened for me. For now, try to get enough sleep, eat well, exercise, and try to take care of yourself in any way you can. Grief takes its own course. If you don’t feel anything in the therapist’s office, that is perfectly fine. You’ve been through major trauma, and it takes time to heal. Please just be gentle with yourself and try not to have any expectations of how the grieving will go.
And it is always a good idea to take a little time every day to meditate – just to go inside and check in with yourself. Chances are, if you give yourself permission to do this, some feelings will present themselves.
Dear Platinum,
Moving is an emotional experience in its self but moving because of a divorce and alone can be twice as daunting. I remember having to put aside some of my overwhelming feelings about everything that had happened just to get through it. My adrenaline was on high alert. I kind of became emotionally unavailable to myself jut to make it through the move. Everything you pack into a box has a story and when you have to understand that that story was a lie, it is so hard. It has been two years now and my adrenaline is stabilizing. These last two years, in kindness to myself, I have addressed my feelings, slowly, and with purposeful compassion and understanding. Lots of anger, lots of feelings of betrayal, especially the feelings of love lost need your full attention and that is too much when you are moving. Keep fighting the good fight. Yes, and thank you Donna, this site is a life inspiring saver!
This may not be a good time for you to get in touch with your feelings – too much to do with moving and all. It may be that once things slow down and you have time and a safe space that you’ll grieve. It could be years from now.
Stargazer,
Thank you for validating that what I am going through is normal. At my counselors suggestion, I have been trying to journal my feelings as they come up. I think you are right, I am numb and just going through the motions; I’m ready to have my soon-to-be ex in my rear view mirror so I can heal and move on with my life. I was doing pretty well with NC, but that has changed in the last couple of weeks as we have stocks, assets, and such to divide, so I am “on point” with tying up loose ends.
Since we have no children together (each have two daughters from previous marriages), the petition has been filed and we have a court date in a few weeks for final dissolution!
Thank you for the reminder to take care of myself……the sleep thing is so elusive, but I’m confident this too shall pass.
…….and I just have to say, I’m excited about all the possibilities in front of me!
I’m excited for you, too, Platinum.
You might even put a little note on your fridge that says something like: “I love and accept myself exactly as I am” or something like that. It’s good to hear about the processes of others, but you don’t have to compare yourself with them. Everyone grieves in their own way.
You know when I have to deal with stressful business stuff, I numb out, too. It sounds pretty normal to me. As humans we have the ability to set feelings aside and not fall apart while we are taking care of business. It’s usually when business is taken care of that we can fall apart. (((hugs)))
I love the idea of putting a note on the fridge! I guess what I am giddy about is the thought of not having the “Wizard of Oz” keep telling me to look over here, not what’s right there….and finding my own way back home!
I am certain there will be many days of pain, heartache, and memories ahead of me as well as many lonely nights, but I guess I am just so ecstatic that the divorce is underway and I can soon implement NC and focus on me and my daughters for a change.
This website has been a lifeline for me, thank you to all who post their experiences, challenges, issues, hopes and dreams.
Platinum,
If I can jump in…
Although I share lots of the same traumas and so many similar stories of others, I did not ever feel anger or rage. My therapist was kinda annoyed at me, that I did not seem to get into the anger mode. I never did. Oh, I am very protective of my kids, don’t mess with me about my kids, the lion will roar. But, I don’t seem to find that anger trigger about what was done to me. I finally accepted that was my temperament. I have never been a temper person.
When my divorce was final, I actually was SO happy. Imagine being happy about the end of a life. I would never have predicted that. But the world lifted off my shoulders that day. I think I am a person who learned to endure as a child, and when I no longer had to endure, I didn’t feel anger. I felt relief, blessed relief.
Since then, I have found my joy again, found my ambition, my drive, an excitement of possibilities of life. But…no anger. Oh I sure do know what he is, and I do hold him accountable. I would NEVER submit to him or his ilk ever, but long long ago, I knew that I didn’t think about anger because I felt like it took away from my joy, my plans for a good life.
Maybe it will take you years to feel angry. OR maybe it’s your temperament too. That anger is not important, but hope and dreams take the place of anger, something worthwhile. And however your temperament is, it’s PERFECTLY OKAY!
I love the ‘black goo’ analagy – its absolutely spot on! Even though I believe I am well on the way to recovery and I am very, very happy with a lovely new man, every so often I still hit that pool of goo and back it comes.
I haven’t felt it for a while now but I had a reunion with my ex sister in law at the weekend. My ex fell out with his mum and sister over 15 years ago and has never spoken to them since. When we moved, he had left a load of old photos and I realised that they belonged to his mum – they were worthless trash to him but to me they were someone’s very precious, sentimental memories – many from an era when people didn’t have many photos.
I eventually managed to track his sister down and wrote to her. She was really happy to hear from me and we got together at the weekend. 15 years is a lot of catching up and some of it was very sad. But one point really got that goo going again. His whole argument for why he didn’t speak to them was basically a lie. It was all because of a phone call he’d had with his mum post his original tiff with his sister – but that phone call never actually took place. It was a great big fat lie that he has carried on all these years.
He knew I was wavering and wanted to keep contact for the sake of the children so he had to find a way to keep me on side and secure his position. Hearing that was one of those goo moments.
Thankfully its drained away with all the others now and hopefully there won’t be too many more of them. But when they come, at least I now know I can deal with them and let them go.
Stopbuggingme,
You summed up what I think I am doing…..just trying to charge ahead, get through the divorce and the move, and then worry about releasing all the ugly stuff.
My soon to be ex came over with movers this morning to get his gun safe, he knows I am stressed over everything and recently took a job with a cut in pay……he is lording over his new job and how much money he is going to be making, an old friend of his is deeding over some land to him, etc, etc. So one minute we were fussing at each other (yes, I know, I shouldn’t have gone there)and then he asked if I wanted to go to lunch????WTH!