UPDATED FOR 2020
You’re in meltdown.
You’ve come to the conclusion that you’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that everything this person told you was a lie, from the details of his or her life to the proclamations of undying love.
Now it all makes sense. Now you understand how the unbelievable headiness of the whirlwind romance (love bombing) morphed into the silent treatment, unexplained absences and unprovoked rages (devalue and discard).
You have discovered the truth: The person you fell in love with never existed. Everything you saw and experienced was an act designed to exploit you.
You are crushed. Overwhelmed by disappointment and betrayal, the emotional pain is almost unbearable. So you ask, when will this go away?
How long does it take to recover?
The short answer is that it will take as long as it takes. But the important answer is that you don’t have to wait until you are fully recovered before you can live your life.
In fact, living your life helps you recover.
The two-track plan
This isn’t going to be like taking a course, where you attend for a specific length of time and then get your diploma.
It’s also not like going to a doctor when you’re physically ill. You don’t take a pill for a few weeks or months and then feel better.
Recovery from the sociopath is a two-track plan. It is about emotional recovery, and rebuilding your life. The good news is that you can, and should, work on both tracks at the same time. In fact, progress on one track will help you move along the other track.
Conscious decision
Your crucial first step is consciously deciding that you’re going to do what you need to in order to recover.
At first you may not want to. You may be tempted to sweep everything that happened under the rug, assuming that time heals all ills and sooner or later you’ll feel better. That’s possible, but it will take longer than if you do the personal work to recover.
Or, you may skip the work and think you’re feeling better, until something comes along like a new relationship — and all the buried pain rises to the surface. It may even sabotage your new chance at happiness.
Here’s another reason to decide to do the work: If you don’t fully recover from the pain inflicted by a sociopath, you are susceptible to falling for another sociopath. Embracing recovery can make a difference for the rest of your life.
Emotional recovery
So, back to the meltdown.
When it comes to your emotional recovery from the sociopathic betrayal, crying is good. Wailing is good. Curling up in a ball on the floor is good. Pounding a punching bag to release your anger is good. Any means of expression that naturally arises is good, as long as it is not destructive to you, other people, your pets or property.
The idea is to get the negative emotional energy out of your system.
Now, this is not pretty. Your friends and family most likely will not have the ability to be around you as you process your emotions. It is simply too distressing for other people, and they will want you to stop. But that’s not your objective. Your objective is to allow yourself to cry and wail until you feel a release.
Therefore, I recommend doing the processing alone. Even if you have a therapist, you may want to save your appointments for talking about what happened and gaining insight. But keep in mind that you can’t talk away your feelings. Even if you understand why you feel the way you do, you still need to process the emotions.
Drilling for oil
This process is like drilling for oil. You’ll hit a pool of pain, and the black goo will rise to the surface. You do some more drilling, and you’ll hit another pool, which will spout forth. The idea is to keep going until you drain all the black gooey pools of negative energy. Depending on how long you’ve been exposed to the sociopath, you may have many of them, so this can take awhile.
Eventually you’ll discover that one of the black pools is linked to some other experience or belief from earlier in your life one that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. Finding this is the equivalent of finding a gusher.
This is your objective — discovering and releasing the hidden pain that has skewed your perceptions and created a place within you for the sociopath to set his or her hooks. Addressing this issue whatever it is changes everything.
Adding joy
Draining off the pain creates voids within you, holes where the pain used to be. What do you do with them? You fill them with anything that brings you joy.
While you’re in meltdown, this may seem totally bogus. How can you possibly think about joy when your life is falling off a cliff? At least, that was my reaction when I received this advice. Everything was crumbling, and I’m supposed to do something to make me happy?
Well, guess what. It works. Any small activity that brings you an internal smile will do playing with your pets, going for a walk, enjoying a sunset. Filling those voids with little pieces of joy and happiness eventually changes your entire internal structure. Instead of pools of black gooey pain inside, you’ll feel a growing sense of peace.
Living your life
The second track of recovery, as I said, is living your life. Part of this is dealing with the practical and logistical problems created by the sociopath, such as money, your job, your home or your children.
These can, of course, be really big problems, and I don’t want to downplay them. The important point here is that because you’re following two tracks, you don’t need to solve all of these problems before beginning your emotional recovery. You work both tracks at once.
Again, as you resolve these issues, it’s important to rebuild other areas of your life at the same time. Reconnect with old friends that the sociopath pushed out of your life. Go back to activities that the sociopath made difficult or impossible — art, music, gardening, watching old movies, whatever you enjoyed. Or, start new activities.
Be sure to take care of your health. Eat right, avoid drugs and excessive alcohol, and get exercise. In fact, exercise can go a long way towards relieving depression and anxiety. It’s sometimes as effective as medication.
Living is recovery
Your recovery will likely seem uneven — two steps forward and one step back. But even halting progress is progress. By putting one foot in front of the other, you’ll keep moving down the tracks both of them.
Life brings opportunities. Perhaps you’ll have an opportunity to make new friends, or get a new job, or move to a new community. If the opportunity feels right, be open to it. You never know where it could lead you.
Living your life the way you want to is recovery.
Creepy vibe leads to discovery of ex-wives and criminal history
What do you do when you know the break up was meant to happen. It’s the healthiest choice.. But you’re still hysterically crying everyday. He’s come back in drips and drabs continuing to put me down and then apologize on the next breathe. U
I’m in denial. I don’t want to let go. I love him. The thought of him being anyone else kills me. Getting over it physically is one thing but emotionally? Forget it. I don’t even want to think about being with anyone else. I feel like the pain is getting worse instead of better. I’ve ignored him never once answered and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But the pain he’s put me though he doesn’t deserve to live. I just want to be happy again and stop thinking about him constantly.
Lov-
Sometimes, a good anti-depressant can help. Yes, it’s a crutch, yes, it’s enraging that another human being created so much pain for you that you need to resort to this measure, but don’t think about the role he had in creating this need. Focus on what is best for you in order to feel better. Either a doctor or a therapist can help you with that.
Ruminating- thinking of him constantly, goes with the territory. If you are unable to cut it off and want relief, an anti-depressant will do that. And ultimately, as you get your life back on track, your joy in other things will replace the constant thoughts that continue long after you recognize how toxic the relationship was.
There are many additional remedies that can help you stop ruminating….. physical exercise, a hobby, volunteer work that raises your self esteem, and meditation, are just a few. If you are fortunate enough not to have the permanence of “family” with him by virtue of his being a parent to your children, your break from him can be more readily realized. If you have no business with him, no assets in common, nothing but the addiction to him, that he established in your brain, keeps you engaged with him.
The value we find here is not that there is one specific cure for our attachment, but rather an awareness that emotional predators exist, so that we can recognize and detach. The rumination is our way of trying to figure out where we went wrong and how we could have done it differently, or what we could do now to change the dynamics of the relationship. After all, if he were a normal person who really loved you, he’d want to know, and work it out. Unfortunately, he’s not. And he’s not really capable of love as you know it, he’s just capable of pretending to love.
It’s especially hard to let it go, but when you realize that he’s incurable and that everything was just a sham, you’ll be able to do so. Although he tried to make it appear that you were at fault, keep in mind that nothing you experienced with him was real or the way you thought it was.
We all share varied recovery methods in order to help each other and propel ourselves down pathways to regaining our power, but different approaches work for different people. Many of us have suffered through the heartbreak you feel and can honestly say that it will get better. You’ll find what works for you and you’ll have joy in your life again.
All the best-
Joyce
I feel your pain as I am going thru the same thing with my ex gf. Its hard and its been a year. Its a very slow process.
Your feelings and your grieving are natural and right. You bond to those you love, you are monogamous, you are capable of commitment, and the fact that he is a jerk and it’s best to end the relationship doesn’t change the grief and pain that you feel. Even though it’s very very difficult, going No Contact will probably help you get through the worst pain sooner.
I found that allowing myself to grieve, to cry hysterically, to think about it all, quite a lot at first, helped me to process and get over it. I found that allowing my feelings and not trying to force happiness or a desire to date again on myself, led to me being ready for happiness and dating again, when I was ready.
Platinum
If I can help clear up your confusion, not only as a man but someone who has not only been burnt but schorched. Don’t get amnesia, stick to the facts, when he asked you to lunch “WTH”, he thinks your hormones are going to betray you again. Face the fct that there was never any sincere affection or sacarficial love and there never will be. what you related his conversation leading upp to the proposal was all about himself. I’ve advised many people, associate with people who consider others when no one is watching and they don’t have any alteria motive or anything to gain other than the joy of seeing some else happy.
Try mediating on this idea
Roy
I too reread articles on this site pretty regularly and it’s been 2 years since I left the relationship. One thing that I can’t seem to “get over” is how did I stay with this man, married to him, for almost 11 years not knowing it was so unhealthy that I should leave. I can’t see to let this go. Anybody have any advice?
Hello Linette,
I pondered your very question many times. I think a whole lot clearer now that I am free of my mindbending predatory abuser.
I was married 16 years. How/why did I stay so long when he turned out to be a sociopath?
1) He kept the mask up.
2) We lived outside of town. I was isolated by him and his family. Our neighbors were his family. We rarely socialized. I thought this was b/c we worked so hard on the ranch and other businesses that he was too tired to go to events.
3) When first married, he wanted what I wanted, to build a house, build the ranch. As long as we did what he wanted, conflicts were few and so bizarre that I excused them.
4) Even AFTER his mask dropped, I stayed. Who thinks that someone is a sociopath as the go-to answer? I thought it was midlife crisis, or miscommunication. It was only when I became ill (physically losing my hair, bad skin, allergic to everything all of a sudden) and severely depressed but he was HAPPY and had a private social life because I was too ill to go out… that’s when I started questioning HIS behaviors.
5) I was an abused child. Every thing was my fault. SO as a woman married to a sociopath, I believed him when he said it was ME that was the problem.
Lastly, a metaphor:
Similar to cooking a frog by slowing raising the heat, I was a frog. When the heat got too hot, he cooled down the water. Warmed up, cooled down.
And gaslighted me by telling me I was over-reacting to trivial things. ANd yes, much was trivial, but in the whole, it was escalating abuse. I didn’t see the pattern until it was unmistakable. It became unmistakable because women starting calling up. So much for business meetings! After finding out about affairs, I found out about his financial fraud, his smear campaign, his scamming and attempt to blackmail certain government employees.
Once the “water got hot” I jumped.
That’s why I think people stay. They didn’t know that they were with a different animal until the mask dropped and the water was nearly boiling.
I stayed because he hid who he was until he was ready to discard me. Because I thought it was the wax/wane of marriage.Because I didn’t realize the issues didn’t come from me, they came from HIM. Because it NEVER occurred to me about personality disorders.
To uncover why YOU stayed, you can try the sentence completion. On top of a page of paper, ask the question “I didn’t know my marriage was unhealthy because…. Then without thinking or stopping, start listing all the answers that pop in your head. You should have at least 20, more is better.
It is so validating to see my story told through the lives of others. Your line, “I stayed because he hid who he was until he was ready to discard me.” is my story too. I had always thought that if we did part it would be with respect and a different kind of love b/c we had both been “in it” doing the best we could. In reality, I was the only one “in it”. Discard is a kinder word for being thrown out like garbage. And that is how it felt.
Yeah. In a normal bad breakup, the person rejects and you hurt. But in these discards, it’s not enough for them to dump us, they grind us under their heel, the rage and contempt as if I were somehow deficient as a human being, as if I were a cruel person, or inconsiderate. As if I were the one cheating. Their contempt towards the person who they are dumping is illogical nonsense.
I now know when someone is that cruel and illogical, it’s not me. They’ve got a character disorder which is incurable. Normal people don’t act the way they do.
Linette,
NotWhatHeSaidofMe is giving some very sound feedback. I love the idea of finishing that sentence!
And, if it consoles you at all, most of us have felt what you are feeling. I didn’t want to break up with the last spath I knew because I was so embarrassed I had ever been with him in the first place. At first glance that might not make much sense. But now I know that my resistance to breaking up was because I knew I was going to be left ‘holding the bag’.
When we are with someone who plays us for a fool (and they are the one’s ‘playing’, not us) we have to come to terms with feelings of humiliation and shame. But, the deal is the shame we are left with isn’t really ours….it is transferred to us by THEIR shameless behavior (lies, cheating, gas lighting, deceit, manipulation; abuse).
Again, this is the DISPLACED SHAME that these sorts have left us with. We are left holding a big bag of shame, remorse, and regret– that belongs to THEM, not US.
You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. We don’t understand these types until the moment that we do. Then the light goes on over our heads, and most everything we have been through makes a lot more sense. Now, you need throw out that bag of shame. You have continued to carry it for him, and you don’t need to any longer.
Let your innocence go, and take hold of your wisdom.
Slim
I have been in a relationship, now married to what I believe is a Sociopath. The extreme highs and lows, constantly catching him in lies. I’m starting to feel like I’m the one that is crazy. When I catch him in something, he always explains his way out. It’s always my fault. HELP
When I began being aware of the permanence and pervasiveness of his evil motives, I read a lot, probably about 50+ books, and a lot of information on the internet. It took a long time for it to sink in, but I eventually was able to escape with some sanity left. Interacting with a Sociopath in an intimate relationship that is supposed to be based on love and trust, is crazy-making. Feeling crazy, symptoms of PTSD are normal responses to abnormal behavior. I found strength, comfort and wisdom, in my religion and spiritual life, also. Some good advice I got was to try as much as possible not to react to the Sociopath’s button pushing, to give myself space to think and figure out the big picture and how to respond. Focusing on myself and my needs was helpful, too.
We are in one of our lows right now. He’s constantly trying to ask what can he do to make me trust him? I really don’t believe there is anything. After lying to someone over and over, I just don’t think with me personally he will ever get that back. So yesterday, not sure if he’s surrendering or playing another game, he’s admitted to being crazy, he’s just a liar, he needs meds, why would I wanna be with someone like him, I deserve to be happy, etc…. Just alot of crazy talk almost as if he wants me to feel sorry for him. I believe he thinks too highly of himself to admit these things. He travels constantly for work, we got married 12/31 and he’s been away 41/2 months of this time. He travels so he can make the money he wants to, yet were always broke. We paid off one of my credit cards when we got tax money back, only for him to run it back up to $5000, THE LIMIT. So I’m home, I work, just enough that covers basic bills, he helps when I need it, My daughter is here as well as his daughter from a previous. But were broke so he can save 10K for a motorcycle he’s purchasing in a month. I know I’m ranting but it feels good to let it out. I could go on and on.
I tried replying to this twice, and it didn’t show up, so there may be duplicates.
He is focusing on what you think of him, not how you feel. He is pressuring you to twist yourself into knots to do the impossible in trusting a liar. If he were concerned with your well being, he would be focusing on his lying, insanity,need for meds, whatever, and working hard and getting help to change his problems, without so much focus on what you think. Consider that the reason for trying so hard to make you trust him is so he can exploit you.
Travelling for his job is not resulting in more money if you are broke, no matter what reason he gives for travelling. He may as well work locally and see if that works better to bring in money. It sounds like he may be exploiting you to care for his daughter and fund his motorcycle. There is nothing wrong with caring for family members and sacrifice for a bike for dad, as long as it is appreciated and reciprocated, and the family works cooperatively. The needs of everyone in the family should be valued and met.
Gennymk331
Everything you describe is a symptom of a relationship with a sociopath. The crazymaking. That he never takes responsibility, that he turns it back onto you, that he does not approach a relationship to resolve anything but that it’s always an adversarial conversation where he prevails.
The good news for you is that there is a lot written on the subject so read read read…and that people here will respond to you. It’s important that you realize you are NOT alone. There are people here who understand what you are suffering and support you to get through the nightmare.
Linette
Here’s my advice, you’re doing what normal people do, trying to look for the best and make everything work. I recall reading what a psychologist wrote on one of these sights that modern psychology was built on Sigmund Freud’s idea that everyone is basically good but something has happened in their life that makes them bitter and they need counselling on how to get over the incident. They went on to say that won’t work with a socio path because they’re bad from their foundational beginnings and they’re not going to get over it. I have found this to be true and socio paths take most of these ill informed counsellors on a cake walk. When some continually lies to you its useless to listen to them, look at the facts (their actions). You’re hoping that they will repent and change, the professionals state that they will not. You’ve got to accept facts, what’s the old saying, if it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, quacks like a duck—–.
Linette
My guess is you stayed because you did not recognise his behaviour as actual abuse. Until we learn about spaths, we don’t know what psychological/emotional abuse looks like so we think that to leave an unhealthy situation is to fail, so we stay and try to”fix” things. Low self esteem meant that I kept trying harder to fit in to the “real” world and was exhausted trying to be what I thought I needed to be. Well 4 years later and I know now that this world belongs to me too and I’ll be dammed if any spath thinks it’s going to ruin it for me.
It hard to find the right article that headlines what I want to honor. Tomorrow is Memorial Day. I liken the holiday as a memorial to those who fell victim to World Sociopaths. We either had to stop them, or leaders were responsible for atrocities. For instance, WWI military were merely cannon fodder, those in charge were using peoples sons in a war of attrition. Same in our Civil War, it was a war of attrition. This song is a poignant, haunting song performed by a fantastic Irish band, about a single soldier in WWI, but it applies to all our military who gave their lives, may they rest in peace. God Bless them all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntt3wy-L8Ok
Well said Not. I join you in honoring all the heroes of our military who have given their lives for our freedom. I’m so grateful for their sacrifice. Thank you for posting such a moving song.
I couldn’t have found this website at a better time. I have been in a relationship with a sociopath for 2 years. I didn’t realize that this is what he was until yesterday. I made the decision 4 days ago to finally cut him out of my life completely and I have never felt so much heartache. I battle myself every minute of the day to not reach back out to him. I’m in so much pain and devastation right now. I think he has realized that I’m serious this time about being done with him so he hasn’t even tried to contact me. I wish I could say that’s making it easier but unfortunately it isn’t. I’m so sad that what I thought he felt could have been completely fake. That not once did he actually love me …. that is almost as unbearable as it is to be without him right now. It almost seems easier to live in the pain of all his lies than to live with the pain I have right now. I am completely broken and devastated. I have such a hard time believing that he was never really in love with me. I know I need to get over this and let him go but I feel like he is my drug… like I’m legitimately addicted to him. I don’t know how else to explain it. I am trying to do things to take my mind off of everything but I feel like I am just barely living. Like the pain is so real and everything that I’m doing that is supposed to be a distraction is fake because I’m not happy when I’m smiling and I’m not enjoying anything… I’m just faking it in hopes that I will eventually not feel like I’m faking it anymore. I’m just going through the motions while inside I am screaming.
Hi thooper,
I’ve been reading this website the past 6 weeks while ‘detoxing’ from my sociopath, and your submission is what finally convinced me to create an account and join the fight for our self-worth, freedom, and emotional wellness.
I HEAR you. I feel it, and it’s difficult. Feeling like you’re waking up from a dream you were sure was real…and now it’s all a nightmare. I understand, and it IS a drug. You were a drug to him, a resource of energy, ego-boosts, and his ability to be everything to you is what you’re detoxing from. We ask ‘did they really love me or not?’ – and with a sociopath the answer is usually no, because they are incapable of empathy and compassion most times, and fake it really well.
Keep reading this website in order to stay objective and see the truth. Remember what you are experiencing is temporary, but that it will take as long as it needs to take for you to heal. For all the effort and energy you put forward to make that relationship work, you will now need to refocus that energy toward your OWN healing. You’re now fighting for a strong, healthy, and happy relationship with your SELF. I write these things not only in hopes of helping you and others, but being on this site and writing this…is so therapeutic. Unless they’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship, others will rarely understand let alone empathize. You’re safe here. 🙂
Ironically, my learning experience with the sociopath (who I thought was the love of my life and almost had a child with him) was a little different, and I’ve been hoping to find info somewhere about a similar ‘type’ of sociopath but have not. Let’s just say it was a supreme mind f**k or new proportions! Donna Anderson, I’d love to hear if you’ve run across any other socios with this type of profile..?!
He’s a psychic medium, and is able to talk with people who’ve passed over. This opened up a whole new realm of possibility when it comes to a spath manipulating their victim….oh boy does it ever. I could write a book. He’d also been married and divorced three times before we met, with 4 kids from 3 different women. But wait, there’s more. Two of his marriages were polygamous, and his two wives were ‘very happy’ taking care of all the kids…and he insisted that once WE were married I’d need to accept a second wife coming in to the picture, as he’d ‘seen it’ and ‘been told it would happen’.
Sounds like I was incredibly naive for the most part, huh? Well, once someone proves to you that they do have some sight and they are able to validate for you things they never would have known – about your deceased family, your past, your inner self – you have a hard time NOT trusting them with your entire being.
So that being said, if anyone has any information about other sociopathic psychic mediums, please let me know! I even built him a website…and I wish there was a way to warn others about his predatory intentions, I really do. Geez, I should write a book. That’s some crazy stuff once it’s written down, eh? 😛
Let the healing begin!! <3
Thank you Donna and everyone here for your sharing and compassionate hearts. This makes us wiser and stronger!
There are different ways of looking at what you describe. My take on it is that good and evil, right and wrong, harming others vs. enhancing others’ well being, are choices. Psychopaths are driven to rebel against everything, to harm others, to get as much power and control over others. They have no conscience, no moral compass. They are liars and destroyers. They will use any means to get what they want. What they want is pretty much opposite what ‘normal’ people want – most of us would like peace on earth and health and happiness for everyone. The Psychopath wants to be ‘worshiped,’ he wants to be the focus of everyone’s thoughts all the time. He wants power and control, and he pretty much enjoys seeing others suffer especially at his power and control.
Consider that the P in your life could have been lying about contacting dead people. P’s often/always use religion or something else like their profession to get power and control over others. He could be telling whatever lies he wants about his communications with dead people, whatever is convenient for him to get others to do what he wants.
My personal belief is biblically based – that the dead are in a state like sleep awaiting the resurrection, and are not communicating with living people. I also believe that there is a very real spirit world and some are evil. Evil spirits could be providing him with information that could only be known to dead people. He could also be getting information from other sources and pretending that he got it from conversing with a dead person.
There are other views as to what’s going on, but a hallmark trait of P’s is lying, scams, deceptions; it is likely that
conversing with dead people is his scam of choice, just like any other P’s deception.
AnnettePK
My compliments on your depth of theology! I’d like your opinion of a thought I’ve been harbouring for a week? One theological speculation is that back in Genesis the sons of God rebelled and married “fallen angels” (kicked out of heaven with Satan). My thought, might they be the original sociopaths and could there be a genetic link to today’s sociopaths? In your opinion does that sound completely ridiculous?
Thanks
Roy
Hi Roy,
Thanks for asking; I’ll answer based on the Bible.
What you describe is a logical and common conclusion – that the “sons of God married sons of men…” It’s not an illogical speculation. However, the Bible tells us that angels, including the demons who are the angels who followed Satan in his rebellion and fall, do not have gender and don’t reproduce (Matt 22:29). Angels are created spirit beings that don’t multiply and reproduce, nor do they die. So the passage in Genesis referencing “sons of God” is is probably referring to godly humans. The Bible teaches humans are all potential children of God; and since God created Adam and Eve, all humans are in that way biological offspring of God. “many Bible scholars believe they {the sons of God) could be the godly seed of Seth.” http://www.lcg.org/cgi-bin/lcg/qanda/lcg-qa.cgi?category=qanda1&item=1218669360
The Bible does refer to Satan as a “murderer from the beginning…a liar….the father of lies…there is no truth in him..” (John 8:44). Also, Satan “deceives the whole world” (Rev 12:9).
When I was going through torment at the hands of my ex Psychopath, I found comfort in the Psalms, and understanding. There are some pretty good descriptions of P’s and the suffering of the Psalmist at the P’s hands; for example Psalm 55.
AnnettePK
Thank you for revealing Psalm 55 to me. What a great Psalm. I have claimed these verses to help me over the next few days to use the Lord for my strength.
Well I didn’t make it through the day without contacting him. I called him repeatedly this morning and became as always obsessed with speaking to him. At first I thought I had it under control but I didn’t. Unfortunately I also suffer from a mental illness and have bipolar disorder. Under his power and manipulation I became so helpless and depressed that I tried to commit suicide twice last year. After our phone conversation yesterday morning it triggered a manic episode and where I usually have him to ‘rage’ out on, I didn’t and I was extremely concerned for my own safety. Fortunately I was able to get in contact with a good friend that talked me down from my ledge so to say. But since I didn’t have him to rage on I obsessed over finding out everything I could about some of the lies he’s been telling. I hacked his email and Facebook account and spent hours feeding into my obsession. Every second of my day is consumed with thoughts of him. Like i said he is like my drug. I broke away from him once for a very brief time but that didn’t last long. So I overdosed and am not in full on detox mode. Like a heroine addict detoxing it freaking hurts. Physically hurts but I have to get past this detox so I can get past the addiction. I will say though that I know 100% without a doubt that I will not be the one reaching out to him ever again. Something set off in me yesterday and I know that I won’t do it. Now if he calls me I cannot promise that I won’t answer. I will try my hardest not to but I don’t know that this is the case but I do know that I will not be calling or texting him. And for now although it is a small victory for me, it is still a victory.
I hate that we go through this and feel like we have to have explanations for the things that they did in the their manipulation. It’s like I have to find reasons why he did this to me instead of accepting that it is just who he is. There needs to be no explanation why he did this because there isn’t one other than he is a very sick person. He’s currently in victim mode and his last email to me (we don’t live in the same state) was one about how badly I hurt him…. In some sick way I am convincing myself that I did hurt him and that I did have some sort of affect on his life. I do this because right now it is almost unbearable to think that that I didn’t.
Redstarla it is crazy written down… lol!! A few weeks ago my friend was trying to get me to see what I was doing to myself by allowing him to keep a grip on me so she said I’m going to tell you a story. So she starts to tell this story of this girl that fell in love with this boy and I quickly realized she was telling me my story. When she was done she asked me what I thought about that girl and my response was … damn she’s an idiot haha. I don’t really think that I am but it’s definitely a wild ride. For the first time in my life I let me entire guard down for this guy. No walls no holding back. I made a promise to myself to not run from this relationship and that was the mindset that I had going in to it. This was it for me. I was going to stick this one out no matter what. I didn’t even do this with my marriage so this time I was giving it my all and I wasn’t going to give up. Because I dedicated everything I had inside of me it makes this split from him very difficult.
Interesting…and I’ve pondered that as well, Roy. I don’t think it sounds ridiculous at all. There are energies out there difficult to explain, light, dark, and everything in between. Our souls carry memories, why not a spiritually genetic link? I don’t know – let me know your thoughts on that Roy!
AnnettePK, I’m aware psychopaths of all stripes use different modes of manipulation and control, and this is definitely one of his. I know and work with many gifted people, a few who have seen that he is in tune enough to get information but that he is ‘not of the white light’, and communicating with darker, lower energies. I know he is able to, as I’ve experienced quite a bit myself and with him – amazing how it feels to have a spirit right next to you – but I now know that he was most likely an unknowing conduit of darker things.
Sociopaths have so much darkness, it’s like they’re vacuums for energy to be sucked in to, whether light or dark. It’s why us bright, compassionate, empathic souls are sucked in by them and compelled to love them enough to ‘help them heal’.
This is a good visual for how it probably felt for many of you living under the spell of your sociopath…it’s exactly how it was for me:
In a reading with a friend who is also a talented medium (of the white light!), I asked her if she could verify with my grandfather whether or not it was him communicating with me through the sociopath. After validating it was him (Germany, cars, name, etc), he said he refused to talk to that man, that he tried to get through this man’s darkness to help me but couldn’t. He said it was like I was under an umbrella of dark energy in that house with him and my grandfather couldn’t get through.
Usually my grandpa is very close to me, and has acted as a kind of spirit guide/protector since he died. He said he hadn’t seen/felt THAT kind of dark mind control since he was a POW in Germany in WWII. Phew! I’ve felt him more present now that I’m free from that present-day mind control, and I’m grateful for all of the pure, loving light we can find strength in everyday. Fighting my way out of this man’s darkness has actually strengthened my faith in God, and I’m not very religious. 😉
redstarla
In reply to your comment I’ll try to stay politically correct while addressing theological idea. I believe that God created all things including Satan but when Satan rebelled he and all the fallen angels who followed him were cast out of heaven but given a periodic rein on earth. I believe that all evil originates from he and his followers and that in a future appointed time he and all his converts will be cast into hell. I believe that while every person is subject to evil temptations its when they accept that control over their life the move from being demoniacally influenced to demoniacally controlled. I personally think the psychopath is another term for a “demoniacally controlled” person. Also if they are under demonic control would explain why the mental health experts predict that “they won’t change”. I don’t think people have a mental link to the “other world” but instead the demonic forces that have rein over them do. We are also informed by the mental health experts that traits that make a person susceptible to becoming a psychopath are “highly genetic”. This is what I was referring to as far as the bloodline through the passage of time.
Wow, thanks for all the wonderful advice and answers to my questions. It helps SO much to hear that my fears and anxiety are “normal”. It just goes to show how deep the emotional wounds can be. I am an easy target because I am very easy going, a “church girl” and was raised without a father who cared. I was very insecure and responded to everyone who reached out to me, not knowing that people would abuse that. I was involved in the first marriage with a complete controller (wouldn’t let me go the mailbox by myself and started affairs a month after the marriage), a married man after that who convinced me that there was NOTHING between his wife and him other than sharing their house together, then married a guy with a serious personality disorder only to divorce him and end up with another sociopath! Now I feel like a failure (after all anyone who has been married three times has to be guilty HA!) I know I didn’t do everything right but I really loved and treated all of these men that way a wife should. The “married man” affair was very wrong but this man was an extremely good sociopath and kept me strung along after he got his hooks in me. Not trying to release myself from guilt. I was younger and the affair was totally wrong in all ways. Don’t know why I wrote all of that. Maybe someone can tell me that even though I was involved with so many toxic men that I am not a bad person?
You are the farthest thing from a bad person. I am like you… I have a very big heart. Most of us that have fallen victim to spaths I am learning are “easy targets” because of the our amazing ability to love people. I am really having a hard time this morning. There is so much I know about him that hurt me but yet I still want him. It’s insane really. I mean this man stole from me and my kids left us homeless moved to different state and I took him back and have spent the last 6 months in a long distance relationship with him. I know 100% that he started a relationship with another woman until she found out about me and that we were still very much supposed to be in a committed relationship. After all this, I’m crying over him and he has moved on to another victim. Why the hell am I so attached to this man?
Linette,Thooper,and hundreds of other hurting souls
I’m providing 2 reply s for the different areas. First of all, Thank You for being a normal “caring” person. It’s normal for victims of men psychopaths to feel bitterness toward all men and likewise victims of female psychopaths toward all women. My self analysis may help women as well. Subconsciously I think all women should have a loving husband (protector) who loves them so unconditionally that their main interest in life is making them happy. When I grew up the good guys wearing the white hats always won! Not being exposed to the evil that lurks within human beings left me not only happily ignorant but very VULNERABLE. Even though much wiser I’m still vulnerable but I refuse to become a hard hearted person while protecting myself. Mental health experts categorize sociopaths as “social predators”, some like the serial killers are complete predators. Try to picture a predatory animal and their mating instincts. The difference is that most socialized human beings wouldn’t comply with their desires. Hence a fabrication of lies and feelings is projected to satisfy the victims expectations and to keep them lured in until they either are not interested or find out it doesn’t work any more. Even if they move onto a new victim they might try to keep the old victim on a string (poor business to burn bridges unnecessarily). I think the best protection a girl enter adulthood can have is a close loving relationship with her father and since a lot of you were not blessed with that, I recommend trying to find another preferably family member who you can trust to give you support in dealing with the emotional scars. We should all know what happens when we look for support from untrust worthy people and their are plenty of sociopathic people of both genders out there to tell us what we want to hear. Continued reliance on other caring fellow victims as involved with this organization who understand disordered people is an excellent resource. Remember, you’re vunerable because you’re a decent caring person.
Thanks for listening
Roy
Roy it’s good to hear things from a guys point of view sometimes. Not only have us women fallen for a sociopath and have a hard time understanding their minds it makes it even harder that we don’t understand the inner workings of the male brain to begin with. I have absolutely taken on a defense against all men. I did before my ex and decided to let my guard down for him and this is what it got me. So my guard is up and 10x stronger.
thooper
I understand, the scars never completely heal and if you ever do find genuine love(and I hope you do) you can expect to have “flashbacks” when something reminds you of the past and it will be important that this genuine love understand and nurture you through this. Think of this, if you think you got blind-sided by a male sociopath, in general a woman tends to have a more tender nurturing heart than a man so its really blind siding and hard to understand a female sociopath. Several years ago I commented to an 83 year very conservative Mennonite lady who is like a second mother to me and knew my ex-wife and the facts about her that I had observed when women found out who she really was seemed especially insulted as if she were a slap in their face of what “womanhood” was all about. She replied that “you’re exactly right”. The common bond that holds women together, I can understand but she the sociopath can’t, except to prostitute it. I can also ditto what was said about being seen with me in church. She rode into 2 churches on my coattails so to speak, while always wanting to sit on the back row because it bothered her to have some behind her. After the divorce she was told by 2 churches not to come back.
My ex P used the Church we attend every way he could. Regrettably, after 2 divorces so that he has 2 ex wives attending our Church (different congregations), decades of doing porn, etc. he still is allowed to attend. I don’t know the details, but I imagine it’s a blessing to you that she is banned. My ex P is very very very deceptive and very subtle. I was deceived and believed some of the things he said about his first ex wife to me, so I understand when others believe his lies about me.
My experience was that I was married and widowed to a wonderful normal loving committed family oriented man. The marriage was wonderful to me and by all accounts I made my husband happy. 10 years later I marry the (unbeknownst to me) Psychopath. After the love bombing stage is over, he tells me everything is wrong with me, everything is my fault, and I am making him miserable. Through it all I suffered unbelievably. I am the exact same person in both marriages. The P had pretty much the same complaints about his first ex wife as he had about me. So in my situation it was obvious who the problem was, but I still doubted myself, lost all my self confidence, and thought, felt, and acted crazy.
You are probably not a bad person, and the Psychopath who targeted you is a bad person who projected his evil on you.