by Quinn Pierce 
One of my least favorite activities is walking through the women’s fragrance department at the mall. I always reach the other side of the store trying to hold my breath while fighting the impending headache and dizziness that always follows. By the time I get home, I feel as though every area of my environment has been saturated; the scent lingers on my clothes, in my car, in my hair”¦
It is with similar annoyance that I recognize the clinging traces of my ex-husband’s sociopathic behaviors in my own responses to current situations. For instance, throughout my relationship, my ex-husband often criticized or attacked my decisions and actions that were independent of his input. Through this continued act of devaluing my voice, second guessing myself became second-nature.
Far-reaching Effects of Abuse
For me, the most difficult part of healing after my marriage to a sociopath is realizing just how many areas of my life were affected by his abuse and manipulation. It isn’t so much that I am disappointed with myself, but rather, that he still has any influence in my life at all.
Especially when I think my behavior is simply a reflection of my unique personality, only to find, it’s really a post-traumatic response to an otherwise normal situation. I recently discovered this, again, while deciding what to buy a friend for her birthday. Knowing the person’s likes and dislikes well, I still managed to talk myself out of almost everything I looked at.
Post-traumatic Responses
This is typical of me. I often become overwhelmed when faced with choices that will affect other people, even if it’s something meant to be a nice gesture or simple gift. That day, within minutes, my heart rate increased, my stomach twisted, and my face became flushed. By the time I returned home, I was exhausted. At least I was able to decide on a present for my friend first. Sometimes, I leave without making a decision, returning home exhausted, none-the-less.
And that’s truly frustrating, feeling as though I haven’t accomplished anything, yet feeling as though I have run a marathon. It’s the constant internal battles that take place, draining my energy, leaving me with a sense of inner chaos that can’t easily be described. I could probably list dozens of examples in less than a minute of how my ex-husband’s responses kept me off-balance and challenged my decisions. One situation in particular, however, will always stand out against the rest, and that is because his reaction was so unexpected, that I still see the images replay like a scene from a movie.
It’s the Thought That Counts, Right?
It was the first time I was truly excited about a birthday gift I had picked out for him. I spent months before his birthday making sure everything was just right, and I was sure it was something so unique and thoughtful that he would love it. The day of his birthday, we had dinner with some friends and I gave him his present in front of the small group. He seemed happy, but I could sense he was not as thrilled as I thought he’d be.
The gift had a customized label as an added touch, and I remember one of our friends read the label, but changed the words in a joking way. We all laughed, including him, as it was a harmless joke, and it was nothing out of the ordinary for this very entertaining group of friends.
As soon as we got in the car, I felt the mood shift. I tried to ignore the sudden chill, but I could feel my anxiety beginning to increase before we reached the end of the driveway. My ex-husband didn’t say anything to indicate he was upset, but the non-verbal clues were glaringly obvious: the clenched jaw, narrowed eyes, tensed muscles- all indications that he was not happy.
An Explosive Reaction
The next day, some small incident, I can’t even remember what it was, set him on one of his tantrums. He began storming around the house yelling and banging things. Shortly after he began his tirade, he grabbed his present from the night before and began berating me for such a thoughtless gift that I obviously thought was such a joke. He was accusing me of embarrassing him on purpose, ruining his birthday, and on and on. To my horror, he threw the gift against the deck outside and I heard the unforgettable, distinct sound of glass shattering as I watched the contents run down the railing, mimicking what felt like the blood draining from my body.
For years, I couldn’t figure out what went so terribly wrong that day. How could it be that after all the time, care, and effort I put in to finding and creating the perfect gift for him, my ex-husband believed my intention was to hurt him and embarrass him in front of our friends. Of course, that was my reaction before I knew what a sociopath was, let alone that I was married to one.
Criticism is Never Allowed
Knowing what I do now, I find his reaction to be not at all unusual for him. First of all, it wouldn’t matter to him how much time I spent working on his gift or how sincere my intent, the only thing that mattered was the reaction of our friends that night. And even though the laughter was not aimed at him directly, being a sociopath, he interpreted the joke as criticism and a personal attack. What’s more, it was an attack by me, since I was responsible for the gift. The only thing worse than ignoring a sociopath is embarrassing a sociopath.
My ex-husband is an attention seeking, praise craving, drama creating individual. He is eager to criticize others, but the slightest indication that he is being criticized in any way is like waging a war. I played two roles in his life: ally or enemy- until my divorce, at which point I was cast in the role of enemy for eternity. That night, I quickly transformed from ally to enemy at the first hint of laughter.
Impossible to Predict His Reaction
For all the years of my marriage, this was a key element to his behavior, but one that left me navigating a sea of unpredictability and anxiety. How could I predict the reactions of others in every situation? Aside from that, it was nearly impossible to try to figure out what would make him happy, since he was merely mimicking those around him and rarely revealing anything sincere or genuine about himself.
I learned in those tumultuous years that my efforts were easily discounted, and my choices were easily ridiculed. Many times, when my ex-husband deferred the decision-making to me, it was a set-up of sorts. He either wanted to ensure that he could not be responsible for a decision that was made, or he wanted to be able to blame me for the decision, even if he supported it at the time.
No matter the situation, making decisions became a panic-induced activity for me. I knew that most of my choices would receive a reprimand of some sort; it was like constantly being spritzed with a disapproval-scented perfume.
Of course, I am much healthier since ending my relationship with a sociopath, but there are days when I still feel like I need to take an exceptionally long shower.
BOOK REVIEW: Carnal Abuse by Deceit
As I have just found this site today, and been reading for hours now, I am thankful and relieved and mortified and saddened to have aha moments with each post that I read. I identify with each and every one of you and am crying and so overwhelmed by my emotions right now at the discovery that I have been in a mindbending, heartwrenching, and damaging relationship with a sociopath for the last 3 years and with continued reading, I realize that most of my relationships in life so far have been with spaths. I am a 43 yr old female. I realize at this moment I have a lot of healing to do and learning how not to repeat my choices and learn to have healthy relationships. I also am going to need to cut any ties with this person and I feel anxiety about it. This is all so overwhelming and new. I am thankful to learn that the scope of discord I have been experiencing is due to being with a person with a known condition. Everything is making sense and becoming clear now that all the things he said to make me doubt myself and feel insecure, were not because they were true…it was his sickness. Wow I have been so affected…spritually,emotionally,and physically,and financially.He caused damage in all of these areas. At this time I need to take a break from all this reading. I’m exhausted. Id like to ask for your help in the form of prayers and thoughts filled with positive energy that I will break clean and start healing and climb out of these negative states that I find myself in. Hopefully now armed with this new knoweldge and understanding, I can resist any further pain and manipulation by him or any future person, but right now…HIM
Thank you all for sharing because you have helped me today even though I do feel scared and don’t know exactly how I’m going to do this.
This is exactly how I felt when I discovered this website. With every article and comment I realized how bad my 20 year marriage really was. Like I said it was an illusion that was so addictive that I could not break free from. I was devalued and eventually discarded and now I know that everything happens for a reason and sometimes you don’t see it right away. The most important lesson I learned was that cutting off all contact with the evil person is the only way to healing and recovery. It stopped all my tears and agony and allowed me to focus on myself. After a few months of no contact I could see through the fog and everything seemed clear to me. All the blaming and belittling had nothing to do with me. It was a way for my husband to justify his selfish actions. Once I was at this point I hired an aggressive attorney , I filed for divorce and I never regretted this for one second. This has been a nightmare but I still remain strong. Nothing compares to the pain of the past 20 years. You will see that after the pain there is only happiness and peace. I know because I have been there.
HKS – welcome to Lovefraud. I’m so sorry for your experience, but glad that Lovefraud has helped you identify what’s been going on.
Sending you healing energy –
Donna
Hi HKS-
I’m so sorry that you are in such an emotionally overwhelming place, and I remember being there so well. I’m so glad you found this site, you will find so much validation and support for healing here. Knowledge will be your best weapon and the rest of the skills will come in time. Stay strong and keep reaching out –
Thanks for reading my article 🙂
Quinn
I came to realize that my husband COULD NOT RECEIVE MY GIFTS IN ANY FORM – not only presents, but he could not receive my love or my help. I can’t tell you how many thoughtful gifts went into the back of his closet. Symbolic, don’t you think?
Plus, he would often get furious at me when I tried to help him (around the house, talking through a problem on his mind, whatever.) I realized he often got angry at me shortly after receiving a gift.
What an ass.
Quinn, like others here, you have reminded me of what my life was like too. One time, I had received a windfall of money and decided to use part of it on a very extravagant, once in a lifetime trip for us. I let him know that I was planning it for his birthday and that it would be a surprise. He seemed onboard. He knew that I was having a ball planning it, so in retrospect that would have been enough for him to ruin it for me. It was a trip to a place we had never been, but was similar in location and activities to other trips we had taken and enjoyed (as much as possible with him) so I knew it would be a success. During the planning he hinted that the next trip would be “on him” to an exotic location we had talked about for years. The day we left I was so excited! He was not. He complained about everything on the way from the seats on the planes to the inconvenience of the gates when we had to switch planes. He actually berated me for not choosing the connecting flight better, so it would have been at a closer gate! When I pointed out that of course you have no idea what gates the planes will be at when you book the flights, he just glared at me for talking back. I have a video I took of him in the last airport where I am so excited asking him questions about where he thinks we are going and he is slouched back in his chair, expressionless and grunting responses while his eyes dart around everywhere but at me. I watched this video after he discarded me and it told a tale I had never been able to see when I had been in the relationship.
The trip was a disaster. He complained about everything, all the time. He was cruel, and I locked myself in the bathroom more than once crying in paradise because of it. I had planned a special outing on his actual birthday, and in an attempt to make him “happy”, spilled the beans on it two days early. He had a complete meltdown, accusing me of being thoughtless and cruel to HIM, scheduling something that was so self serving to me, all the while knowing that it was something he hated and in fact, would make him physically ill. As this was something we had done in the past in another location and had had fun, this blindsided me. He kept at it for hours, accusing me of intentionally scheduling something that would make him sick when I full well knew it would, and I kept saying I had no idea, I had no idea, which I didn’t. To put an end to it, and of course I didn’t want to ever be thoughtless, I cancelled the outing and thankfully was able to get a refund. I never said one word about it after that, but he kept up, then adding the accusation that I was pouting because I didn’t get to go on the outing that I had wanted for myself, but presented as a gift to him. All I had done was cancel it and not said another word, and went on to other activities. I remember feeling like I was losing my mind.
After the trip, it didn’t stop. For the next 9 months (until he discarded me), he brought it up off and on, poking me with comments about how that was supposed to be HIS birthday trip, yet I did nothing to make it special for him…wasn’t nice enough, sexy enough, thoughtful enough. I knew I had been all of those and more, yet I tortured myself, wondering what I could have done better. I have often thought what a great time I would have had had I gone by myself, instead of with a spoiled child who spent most of his time there slumped in front of the tv. He never so much as even said thank you.
And the next trip that was going to be “on him”? Well of course that never happened, since he was not about to spend money taking me on a trip where I wouldn’t appreciate a thing and complain the whole time. Those were his exact words – projection at its finest! Of course, I’m sure by then he already had the discard planned.
When I met him, he bitterly complained that he and his ex-wife never went on trips because she was no fun and in the end, actually encouraged him to go on his own while she stayed home. Of course that got my sympathy and made me want to make our trips good for him! Much later I learned from his adult son that his mother had told him that early on, he ruined every trip they had gone on so she just decided to not put herself in that situation anymore. Her quote was “if he saw that anyone was having fun, he’d have to put a stop to it”.
Along these same lines, there were times we had something planned (always planned activities with tickets purchased) that we ended up not being able to attend because he threw a tantrum hours before the event, but he always made it my fault. I KNEW I hadn’t done anything wrong. Once he did this on the day of one very long planned and costly event and screamed at me, telling me that he had noticed that I pulled this crap every time it was something that I knew that he wanted to go to (as opposed to something I had chosen) so that I could prevent him from going and ruin it for him. I had a moment of clarity then (of course it didn’t last), because the morning had been great and I was dressed and ready to go with a smile on my face and he hadn’t even bothered to get ready. He KNEW he had no intention of going and of blaming it on me, making some accusation up out of nothing so he could make me feel terrible. Which of course I did.
I am thankful that these memories no longer send me into days or weeks of rumination over what it all meant and what I had done wrong. I know the score now, but I also have the lingering effects of years of this insanity on my current life. I am able to recognize it for what it is now, but I think back to my life before I met him and think of how blissfully calm and untroubled my mind was. I actually mentioned that to him once and his answer? The prior men in my life didn’t love me and care about me the way he did because they didn’t bother to correct me when I was so obviously messed up.
Thanks for the opportunity to share here in this safe place.
wow moon,
That’s crazy!! I didn’t have lots of trips like that with mine, only one where we went to tenessee from ohio for a week, and she acted miserable half the time, then on the way home said something nasty about my father, the 3 of us were on a pier fishing while his wife was at the cabin, and he said he didn’t know what he would do without her and how much he loved her, on the way home my wife said “I cant believe I heard your dad say that” the way she said it suggested she thought he was lying, or she thought he treated his wife bad , which she has said several times.
But wow for you all those trips and money only to be ruined, I cant imagine that happening over and over. They really do have a way of making you feel like you did wrong, then you get to the point where you feel crazy cause your reality is so distorted.
Dave
Yes the crazy making experience was the worst. My reality was so distorted. I did not know what to believe or not anymore. Of course if I didn’t believe his outrageous lies, I was labeled “mentally ill” by him. It takes a long time to really get out of this nightmare. But once I was on my own, cut of all contact and focused on myself, things improved. I took his “torture toy” away and that was me. He was not able to get a reaction out of me. To this day he does and will not understand why his only son wants nothing to do with him. My son said “anyone who inflicts so much pain on his mother, is not worthy to talk to or care about.” He is so right, why would we let evil back into our lifes?
yeah kaya,
when my common sense would kick in and I knew she was up to no good, she would find a way to either blame me for her actions, or down play it like she did nothing wrong, leaving me sitting there scratching my head while friends and family were like “are you nuts, shes having her cake and eating it to, she is playing you and you know it”
But they didn’t know what its like with people like this, they really do screw your head up badly. I don’t think we so much get addicted to the abuse, I hate arguing and confrontations, I think I was addicted to “what it could be” and thinking I could do something that would fix it and I would have what I longed for, hence why I would always go back, many a time accepting most of the blame on myself, just so I could try and make the change that would fix the family, while she sat back and made no compromises. ONE time she attempted to, and she said “ill try david but I cant promise anything” wow that’s a great compromise huh? Even on times where she would try and keep me if I was going to leave she still would not apologize or say “hon im sorry, I didn’t know you fealt this way, I will try to compromise with you because I love you” she would still find a way to subtly blame me in order to defend her actions so I would not want to leave thinking that I caused the problem.
Her mother is the same way, is it any wonder why those two cannot get along? She is 37 years old and has now gone through to spats of not speaking to her mother at all, one for 7 years, one now dating back to 2008, both of them are the same and refuse to contact each other. I don’t think ive gone longer than a week without contact with a parent after a fight with them lol.
Ah, yes. The ruined gifts I can relate to. The ex-spath and I were together for only one Christmas, thank the heavens. I had my son bring home shirts for spath from a store in South Carolina – couldn’t buy them in retail stores here in Ohio. One shirt he ripped a hole the first time he wore it on Christmas Day. I was horrified, but it was no big deal for him. Just a shirt, who cares.
I put together an Easter basket for him because he loves candy. He started out refusing all of it and I was heartbroken. It didn’t make any sense. He started pawing through it and picked out a couple of things to keep, and I remember standing there awestruck at his uncommon weirdness. Then he decided he wanted the whole thing and kept it with a grudging, mumbled “thanks”. (It was full of some really good candy and he’s a greedy creep.) In return, he tried to pass off the Easter basket full of candy that his mother gave him – as a gift he purchased for me.
I never knew any other person who could twist the good feelings I get from gift giving to make me feel like $hit for doing it.
Quinn, we were married to clones lol
That is SOOOOO him. He couldn’t even come up with new “selfish things” I did to continue the tirade about so he’d replay the same months & months old “misdeeds” i’d committed (Im a quick learner lol). ANY little thing was an excuse to F.L.I.P out and then start on all the offenses I’d dared to commit. It bored the f**k out of me actually. I think it’s becuz i’d know that once again, nothing wud get resolved and he’d just get to act like the ass he is. in front of the kids. again. BORING.
i had cried at first, but learned thats wat he wanted, so forget that. tried yelling back but that induced his name-calling, which nauseated me, so no-go on that either.
there was no winning, just enduring a psychotic break.
I need to shower for about a decade straight to rinse off that stink of the npd/bpd/sick asshole.
Wow that sounds like my soon to be ex. He absolutely got pleasure out of seeing me crying. He always threatened me with “I will leave you “. You are right it did get boring. Even when he called me names. His favorite statement was “I think you need help,you are mentally unstable”. I used to beg him to love, I used to beg him not to leave me till the day when he actually left for the mistress. And still the lies continued. Until the day I filed for divorce. I was done. Something told me to put an end to it . Nobody will disrespect and abuse me the way he did. I finally stood up for myself and my son. 20 years of those lies and betrayals were enough. And you are right the “smell of evilness” is gone.
Ugh, in my case, the “I think you need help, you are mentally unstable” comment always came after he did or said something so outrageous and kept picking at me with it that I became hysterical. Then there was the soft, head shaking threat…if you don’t get on medication I don’t think I can stay in this relationship. (Along with a comment about how much meds had helped his ex wife, lol.)
I usually spent my entire weekend at his house from Friday night until I left for work on Monday morning (a technique to get me to neglect my own home and life) but once in awhile, he’d give in and come to my house on a Saturday afternoon and spend the night. 9 times out of 10 before Sunday morning was over (but always after he had had sex and I’d cooked him a wonderful breakfast) he would pick a fight out of nowhere and reduce me to a crying, pleading, nervous wreck trying to make things right. (I literally didn’t recognize myself in these times – I had never felt or acted that way before and never have since.) Then he would storm out in disgust, saying why did he keep coming here for this treatment. Then he would not contact me for a day or two. At first, I used to obsess over what I might have done wrong and how I could do better. (He would almost preen himself when I tried to make it up to him.) Later, I realized I had done nothing wrong and would go about my day. Much, much later, I recognized the pattern and realized that he would “offer” to come to my place when he had another woman scheduled for Sunday afternoon and wanted me out of the way. As I get farther and farther away from the situation, the more it sickens me that these people use us like toys for their amusement and don’t have one molecule of humanity to care that they are destroying us. Evil, evil, evil. I haven’t laid eyes on him since he discarded me and sometimes I think if I did I would go insane. Hopefully indifference will kick in at some point.
Hi All”
Been reading here all posts:
Quinn: Hit it on the head again….how horrible to be treated like you were him….imagine him gaslighting you that way….
But it takes time to rewire our brains to understand how wonderful we are in so many ways and to trust our gut instinct even when it comes to purchasing a gift for a loved one/friend…..
I actually found my “old self” so to speak. The woman I used to be came back to me….I found me again….and my vision I kept in front of me was just me….the me I was before he came along but the me that now had the wisdom to not trust everyone and the me that I know I could trust…..
I found that I could now have the freedom to be myself again. It is wonderful!!….I am sorry you had such a horrific time…I didn’t live with my sp so I didn’t have the daily trauma you had and it must have been so hard…I have read other of your posts….
but you give us courage to change!!
Kaya48: You sure have been doing really well. I have not had much time of late to comment but have been reading and I am so happy for you and your progress!!…isn’t it great to not care in the way we did….we care now for us and for our child/children and it feels wonderful….
Hugs all around!!
Here was my favorite gift to him:
I got so sick of buying things he hated so I told him for his birthday I would get him anything he wanted just let me know. He said he wanted to go fishing alone. Fine, let me know how much it costs and I’ll let you go. Before I knew it he gathered up all his brothers and booked a Lake cruise and fishing expedition. He split the costs with his brothers and went. I really was confused because one minute he wanted to be alone and the next…not (and of course he denied saying he wanted to be alone)
Then he promptly forgot that I offered this to him because the next year he turned to me and asked, “What did you get me for my birthday last year? Oh yeah, nothing!”
I had a blank moment because I really didn’t get him anything, he did it himself. So I just coldly turned to him and said, “You’re right, you just went fishing with your family and left me out”
lol
What a weed
Moving On:
So typical of their lovely personality isn’t it? He totally made it like it was his idea forgetting you in any of the plans especially when you were the one to suggest this….your story of the gift is just so true of their ratty and selfish sick minds…
When first married to a malignant narcissist, I bought him a Russian styled winter hat that was perfect for Chicago winters in the city when what they call the Hawk comes blowing through the streets….plus he bragged about his Russian side of the family all the time……He opened the box, laughed and promptly took the box and receipt and walked out of the house and returned it and kept the money. I decided to never buy him another gift…
My ex sp: Example: Got him dress shirts and ties for a new job and he loved it ….and new wallet and they were all by his favorite designer….but in 5 years of me helping him out etc, I never got a gift except a pair of slippers…LOL
The difference between us and them: A dear Aunt of mine was getting older so she gave me some of her wardrobe that she thought was just beautiful….I was the size of her clothes from back then. She was so wonderful that I decided to wear the clothes to a family gathering were friends would also be. I wore the out of style skirt and top, totally not my style or color. I wore the pumps that were clearly unmatched although she thought they matched together with the “outfit”…my daughter thought it odd and when I explained why I was doing this she just stared at me and then hugged me..
At the family thing, my family and friends stared at me and one in particular couldn’t believe me wearing the clothes. But when my Aunt came in and saw me, she let out a huge howl and told everyone she gave me the “outfit” and she got it in Hawaii and look how beautiful it is on her…Then the looks and tears came from those around us….It was a gift to her….
Vision, your post reminds of something I read once which said a sure sign of a sociopath is that they are terrible gift givers (meaning, you’ll probably never be WOW’ed by a gift they give to you)!
My ex fit this to a tee!
Hi Moving On – It was helpful reading about your story. It was my birthday again this year, the last two years were nightmares and this one started out the same, even though he is no longer living in the same house, we are still in a relationship (its been hard to get him totally out of my life – work in progress.) He came over the morning of my birthday and told me he was mad at me because I was sitting outside – probably talking to my “boyfriend-imaginary one of course)and that I didn’t run in and greet him right away. So he once again started with the negative drama on my birthday (even after begging me to stay in town so he could celebrate it with me – he should have said so he could sabatage it for me.) So he continued to yell at me, call me names and I finally asked him to leave, so in a pissed off, name calling rage he stormed out of the driveway, telling me never to call him again – in which I said I wouldn’t, thinking okay this is it… long story short, I spent the morning crying than felt better after seeing all the happy birthday wishes posted to my fb -I pulled myself together and went about my day… well to my surprise, my husband (who by the way is married to someone else and never told me till I confronted him with the marriage cert and he said – oh she died in a car accident – which I futher investigated and she is still alive.) called me and said he didn’t want to fight and wanted to bring me my bday present. well, he got me roses, a big card and two funky electrically charged multi-colored lights from a garage sale that when he gave them to me in this big box, he told be – okay be careful, there is a puppy in there… I got you a puppy… I was very confused as I really couldn’t afford to care for a puppy since I have no job and he doesn’t give me money to help out- even though I supported him for almost 2 years… So I opened the box and it was candy and these two funky lights!! Anyway, I totally relate as he always ruins my birthday (V-day is even worse!)doesn’t get me anything, not even cards, says he did, but didn’t have a chance to fill it out, even has given me new cards still in the wrapper and says, here is your card… this year was really no different, with all the name calling and anger drama… all I can think of is that I pray by next year he won’t be in my life at all. At least from all the information I find on this site – thank you and thanks to all who post their stories – I now know that it wasn’t me and that I am not crazy..