By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Ox as usual this is what I needed. I’ve been muddling around wondering how/where/when I’m going to start my “new life”. Many of my friends and family have said to me “enough already, move on”. I’m still grieving the dream; afterall it was ten years of my life with this guy. BUT, I am trying to look within and see what kind of life I can piece together without him in it.
Thank you for your words of wisdom.
Thank you, OxD. I have never given birth physically, but I do think emotionally, this process has to hurt just as much. This past year has been such a learning experience for me of how to like myself, appreciate myself, and take care of myself.
Just today, I was swimming laps in the public pool. A young woman wanted to share my lane. I saw her approaching me to ask. I am fine with this, as we often have to share lanes when doing laps when the pool is busy. She asked me very nicely if she and her friend could both share my lane so they could do some sort of exercise routine together. I surprised myself by firmly responding that I’m fine sharing a lane with one person, but that I think 2 others would be too much. She tried to assure me that they wouldn’t take up much space because one would follow the other. And after all, she said, she works as a lifeguard there and knows that 3 can fit in a lane. I said point blank to her, “Are you giving me a choice or are you telling me there will be two of you in this lane? Cause if you’re giving me the choice, I would prefer that I share with only one person.” She said that they would wait for someone to leave and they did.
The old me would have taken pity and said, “you know, it’s okay, it won’t be so bad….” But the new “bitchy” me takes care of herself. I was very assertive and I’m proud of myself. This came on the heels of making a big mistake loaning someone money that I shouldn’t have loaned money to. I’m still learning some of the big lessons here that I didn’t learn from the Sociopath.
I’m new to this site but not new to the destructive force of a sociopath and the challange of recovery.
I can appreciate this new life and re birth sentiment all too well. I know the pain of giving birth and I have had to nurture a colicky baby, and boy does this ever ring a bell. The new life in me has finally found the voice, the cry, to say no! no more! and face the solo alternatives. Just 3 weeks ago the new me simply said no! no to counceling together, no to going on a far away trip together to forget about the past and start all over and no to “we are meant to be”. The new life in me is learning to be in my own therapy, go on my own trips alone, and learning to be me, myself and I one day at a time, with no one manipulating me, using and abusing me…. as I am meant to be.
Thank you all for your wisdom and caring thoughts….these have been helping me tremendously to validate my experience and deal with the pain and trauma, as I have been in the painful process of extricating myself of a 3 year relationship with a sociopath for the past 3 months.
Aeylah-welcome. I hope this site helps you as it has helped me. May your new life bring you peace…and joy.
Unfortunately, when you have children with a sociopath, I have found the insanity never ends. The children will be used, the courts used, false accusations made, and because the sociopath is so cunning, manipulative and slick, the sociopath is very convincing. I thought I would never be shocked again I have been through so much, but I continue to be shocked. I am meeting with a Delegate this week to see if the laws can be changed to protect the abused victims. It is too late for me and my children, the damage is done. However, if what I have gone through which I have completely documented can make a difference in someone else, then it will not be in vain. When the child abuse laws are thrown out the window when a battered wife finally divorces the batterer, the laws must be changed.
kathy…I wish you well, and hope you have some success. As we often discuss, “justice” has been blind for a long time in dealing with these predators. I salute your courage. We each must do what we can…and feel we must.
Dear Kathy,
I hear your concern and your pain, and I applaud your spirit of trying to get the laws changed (Read the blog about “amy’s law”)
But as long as you are ALIVE it is not “too late” for you to have a NEW LIFE, it isn’t any more (at least in my case and many others here) about THEM any more, it is ABOUT US.
Even if we are forced by circumstances to “give birth” to OUR NEW LIFE in hostile, “war torn” circumstances, we know that we can’t necessarily change the environment but we CAN change the way we perceive it. The thing that helped me to see this is Dr. Viktor Frankl’s book, “Man’s Search for Meaning” Star has recently gotten this bookk and read it.
Dr. Frankl wrote this book after years in a Nazi prison camp where he lost his ENTIRE world including his relatives, his wife, his friends, his medical practice, his home, EVERYTHING but his life and he still found MEANING even IN the prison camp. We can too!
Many of us here have lost EVERYTHING that was important to us, and there are people here who have lost their homes, and are literally almost to the point financially that they are WITHOUT ANY RESOURCES, yet, we are all on the road to healing ourselves. OUR SELVES.
I know your situation is PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT because you have children with this monster….and there are others here who have children with their monsters as well and have to let the monster have them for visitation….there are also peoople here (I am one, Rune is another) who have psychopathic children, who have had to grieve for the loss of our wonderful babies morphing into MONSTEROUS ADULTS. I think there is one of the BEST cross sections of victims of psychopaths here that could be assembled anywhere, because we come from ALL Walks of life, all situations that you could imagine, and from multiple countries, cultures, sexes, sexual orientations, religions, regions, and different ages and situations all together.
Kathy, it is NEVER (imho) TOO LATE for you! You are NOT a P so you can recover, can heal. ((((hugs)))) and my prayers for you!!!!
OxDrover,
This post of yours is very good. Now that it has been a little over a year, I honestly feel a new life within myself. It can be a little scary, cause she is different than the old me in many ways.
Great analogy comparing the new me (you) to a new baby. I felt so fragile at first, (last year) it compares to nothing else I had ever experienced. You are so right-on about boundaries. That has been the HUGE lesson I am going forward with here.
Aeyleh,
That is so true; this is a site where you can feel your voice is validated. I have told almost no one the details of what my experiences were! Even my therapist said my story sounded like a fictional drama.
I wouldn’t have believed it myself if it hadn’t happened to me. I read these posts for a year before I felt safe enough to jump in. It’s good to see the different levels of recovery of everyone, based on time passed, etc.
Stargazer:
I had a similar experience with the me after the P. I was on the beach just a month later, and felt a big blob of spit land on my cheek. ( I dunno how I knew what it was) But, I sat up, looked around, and said loud enough, “someone spit on me” A group of men, maybe late 20’s, and big, had sat nearby. One said, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you there” I stood up and walked over to him and pointed to the sidewalk and said in a loud voice “get off the beach” He laughed, and his friends were like, “he wouldn’t have done that on purpose”
I repeated the point “get off the beach now, or I’m calling this an assault” Those guys said sorry mam, grabbed their towels and walked away fast. They guy who spit never apologized, and he had that sort of smirk in his eyes when he admitted spitting. Felt dam good. A year later I still ask myself, “where did that come from?” I never would have done that before! I would have sat there and fumed and been embarassed. So good for the new me.