By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Good morning, everybody–
I haven’t had a chance to carefully read every post on this thread, as much as I’d like to, but I just wanted to thank everyone for what they share. OxDrover, this is a beautiful post and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the time and caring you devote to all of us on this site, to share with us your hard won wisdom and practical, perceptive insight. And I am just blown away by everyone’s compassion, sincerity, wisdom and thoughtfulness. I have learned so unbelievably much from reading what’s posted here, from everyone. You all have helped me so much. Helped me not to feel like I’m crazy, helped me to tell my story to the limited ability I feel safe telling it (which really makes a huge difference – having to keep this bottled up inside and somehow “secret” to avoid losing more friends than I already have), helped me to heal, helped me to have some pragmatic strategies, helped me to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you, all of you, so much.
Sabrina – in answer to your question as to whether we’re drawn to S/Ps in other types of relationships, that has been my main experience. I’m happily married to a really wonderful man, but because of my upbringing (by two Ns), I believe I’ve been vulnerable to these folks in other situations. The main SP in my life was a close friend and colleague. Interestingly, around the same time that I became friends with him, I became friends with another couple (my erstwhile SP is married, too). Red flags abounded in that second relationship (while the main SP was incredibly stealthy and really bided his time for a major attack that came out of nowhere), which I think now is composed of a major N and . . . not sure about the husband, but after pretending to be one of my best friends, did a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing and became the cruelest, most emotionally unavailable person imaginable, when a bunch of other, horrible things were happening in my life (looking back, it was just kind of unbelievable how many really terrible, traumatic things happened all at once). The wife used me for as long as she felt I enhanced her image, but when (I think this is maybe what happened) I became more like competition and detracted from the attention she got, she turned on me, too. Bizarrely, these two couples (whom I introduced to each other) are now big buds. I think that I was particularly vulnerable to all of them because I had just spent several years caring for one of my slowly dying N parents and I was just at a super low ebb. I really was starting to wonder which of us was going to go first.
So, I do think it’s important to be vigilant in all relationships, not just business or romantic ones. It would seem that the main SP in my life has something worked out with his wife, so he goes after other people instead of doing the romantic con. And it may be true, as suggested in another post, that he feels compelled to go after someone – and I was the easiest, most tempting target.
Anyway, thanks again, everyone. And healing wishes to you all.
hey guys, i was out shopping today at a department store and i saw the s’s drug addict daugher and i thought just go by and don’t let her see you and i went into change room , came out , and tried to make sure i didn’t see her when leaving the store and then as i walked out there she was. I barely said hello and walked by to car thinking i should have reacted this way years ago and when i got into my car all i could think about was how evil and conciousless she and her father are. One one hand i feel sorry for them and on the other i despise them. This was rumerating in my mind an d i had a clear pic of them but then as i was going to a fast food place didn’t i see her dad’s truck pull out from a dealership. I went into waht they have told me is ptsd, sick feeling in pit of my stomach and shaking , awful and the bizarre thing is i wanted to make contact just to make it go away. I was reading in the Betrayal bond that this is a reaction we sometimes have with trauma, paradoxical. I kept thinking why is God doing this to me , do i have to move, why is it getting shoved my face left and right. I have no answers to that and im wondering if it will get better. That panicked feelings is so overpowering and uncomfortable , worst feeling ever. love kindheart
Dear Henry,
A few months ago you would have taken these words right out of my mouth.
I wish I could stop coming here,
I want to move on from this lesson.
I keep waiting for that day when I dont feel hollow inside.
I look back on the whole episode of my life involved with X. I am past the grieving stage, the anger stage, I am having trouble with acceptance.
I want to be angry at myself for doing what I did, for not paying attention to my gut feelings.
I felt sorry for him.
I was always uneasy around him.
I just felt like a big security blanket and I would comfort him and try to believe his words.
It’s like he had some kind of power over me to take care of him, like I owed him that.
I think something else is wrong with me, depression or bi polar or something – how long does PTSD last?
How could one low life piece of trash affect my life so much?
I dont mention him to anyone off this thread in fear of being boinked. He has left such a sadness in me
I am sad that I let him treat me the way he did
and I am sad that I wasn’t the wonderful savior he said I was
I am sad that he was a lie.
HENRY – CATCH UP WITH ME, WHEN YOU ARE READY!!! ONCE YOU LET GO THERE IS THIS PLACE TO LOOK FORWARD TO:
Im glad I can come to LF for advice, support and to see how everyone is doing!
Im moving on from the lesson -because I want to – because I can – because I am no longer feeling sorry for myself.
Somedays I feel a little hollow still – but I know thats the pull/the lure to go back to all the drama – the negativity in my system – the stuff that kept me where I was — stagnant
When I got to acceptance – I said its either me with him — or me without him.. or me pining my life away over him…whats it gonna be? A NO BRAINER! Time to accept the reality of everything. Time to grow up. Time to get out of him, the misery, the ruminating…time to accept myself, my life is going forward without him. The greatest gift of all!
I no longer feel sorry for him! He couldnt care less about me! He is a big boy – he makes his own choices — including his choice to use and abouse me. period. the end.
Always uneasy around him — THAT WILL NEVER GO AWAY — He is a bad man — you knew it and know it!!
I made no more excuses for the things I did. I followed my heart. I was a good person who also made bad choices with him…I enabled..I comforted upon extreme duress, I chose to believe his lies instead of the reality in my face (its easier sometimes)…
Its like he had Power over me! Yep used the same words…but really it was just me going against my grain…my heart…my intuition… he had no power over me— I just didnt want it to be true — I didnt want to believe he was who he was…so I kept going, pretending, hoping, doing, giving. UGH UGH UGH. NO MORE OF THAT! EVER.
NOW SELF RESPECT, SELF TRUST, SELF LOVE, SELF LOYALTY, SELF SUFFICIENT, SELF RELIANT….ETC… CHOOSE ONE AND DO IT FOR YOURSELF ALL DAY EVERY DAY!!
IF YOU THINK SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU – HOLDING YOU BACK – BE IT DEPRESSION OR BI-POLAR OR LOW SELF ESTEEM OR WHATEVER — FOCUS ON THAT HENRY – GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THAT – SPEND ALL YOUR TIME ON THAT – NOT THE PAST !!! THATS YOUR TICKET OUT OF HELL TOO…IT WAS MINE…FOCUS AND FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS ABOUT HENRY THAT IS STAGNANTING YOU — ITS NOT HIM!!!
HE AFFECTED YOUR LIFE BECAUSE HE WAS A LIAR A CHEATER A THIEF WHEN HE WAS IN IT. HE AFFECTS YOUR LIFE NOW BECAUSE OF ONE REASON — YOU CHOOSE TO LET HIM.
I can mention him now, if I had to, or chose to. I dont not mention him out of fear anymore. I dont mention him very much now because he is wasted breath, wasted space, BORING to me, a lowlife, a nobody. An embarrassment to my past for the most part! A mistake which equates to a learning lesson!!
I let someone treat me badly once — never again! I am empowered (not sad) to never ever never….did i say NEVER- lose myself again to anyone.
I can only be the saviour of only one living soul…myself. Noone else. Show him how much you truly are the saviour you know you are. Save yourself from the wrath that was created by your union/experience!! Let Go !!!
I am glad I found out he was the lie…I was beginning to think I was the bad person. I am a magnificent person. I want to see myself again for who I am. I want to love myself for the way I am. I want to live life without choosing to let myself be haunted by a bad man! I want Henry to catch up with me to where I am!!!!!!!
Ill wait for you! Skillet and hugs and all!! If I can do this, you surely can when youre ready Henry!!!! xoxo
Kindheart said: “i was out shopping today at a department store and i saw the s’s drug addict daugher and i thought just go by and don’t let her see you and i went into change room , came out , and tried to make sure i didn’t see her when leaving the store and then as i walked out there she was. I barely said hello and walked by to car thinking i should have reacted this way years ago.”
YES! YES! YES! A huge TOWANDA for you Kindheart! –Jen
Dear Learnthelesson…
Excellent post! I felt like I was at a pep rally! Amen sister! LOVED the part about “HE is a NOBODY” , another motto we should add to our list! Also, the part about- we thought he had power over us, he didn’t, it was “us goin against our intuition, etc. THis should be archived under THE TRUTH about Sociopaths. Well Done. Thank you. You are a true survivor.
kindheart:
One small step for man, one giant step…
Don’t know why, but in the last week or so, as I close in on 6 months of NC, I”m suddenly noticing a change in myself. S just seems to be receding from my conscious thougts more and more, longer and longer. Hang in there.
Henry,
You have to feel great about the fact that someone is this passionate, and caring about you such as LtL to write such an uplifting, funny, and true, true, true, DId I say true? post.
Amazing love and friendships here!!
Good Evening to my Friends at lovefraud – thanks for the words of support. I am depressed and I focus that depression on the x S. I am taking anti depressants and not sure if that is helping or making it worse but will stick with the meds. I want you all to know that I am ok and doing well. I try to offer support and understanding when I relate to how someone is feeling. Learning to love my self is a daily struggle and keeping my self esteem up and going is a full time job. Many of you know my story, so similar too your own. I guess we all understand the xtra chit that comes with loving a lie. I was out in the back gardening this evening and I heard a vehicle, it sounded like his, the loose muffler, the dog’s went crazy like they do when someone drives up the drive way, I heard a car door shut and then his voice doing that doggie talk he did to my dogs. I went into a panic and went to the front drive and no one was there. And I got real mad at me, I have to stop living like this. What ever it is that keeps him in my head is not him but me. He is gone, never coming back, it’s over, been a year now. So I will focus on all the wonderful things in my life ( I am very blessed) and thank the stars every day that it is over and I can be the best I can be every new day .
Sabrina —
Just from the little I’ve read on here it sounds like your h was a lot like mine. Horrific raging verbal abuse; various immoralities (all hidden until partial exposure last spring) while infrequent intimacy with me; lies, lies and more lies; very involved with his church; wanting to stay with me. I’ve thought about him as a possible false prophet (as in whole chapter of 2 Peter 2 — eyes full of adultery that never cease from sin), or at least in danger of being this. Paul says satan presents himself as an angel of light and it’s no wonder his ministers do the same.
A good word is that the Lord KNOWS them that are His. I guess it’s the wheat and tares planted together until harvest (Jesus said an enemy had planted the tares) . That chapter in 2 Peter talks about these guys mixing right in and that because of them the way of truth will be maligned.
I am so sorry how this has affected you, and for the aftermath you have to deal with now. I don’t know much about PTSD but it sounds like you may be experiencing it, as it seems many here have.
I’m dealing with a lot of fears of the future (some rational and some ridiculously irrational but feeling very real) — of what else he might do to me, or have done, or say, etc.. He did give me a terrific verbal lashing (about two hours straight of screaming) a few weeks ago and it’s been very hard to shake. His words seem to have lingered longer and affected me even more than when we were together.
I sure hope you are doing better. We have to keep on keeping on and things will get better, I do believe. Love and prayers.
Thought I’d add one more thing. I had a bad dream about h last night in which he pretty much took over my grandchildren from me. Well, I had three of them here all evening and we had one of the best times we’ve had in a long time. Was a real blessing to me and does my heart good. This whole thing has put such a strain and sadness on the whole family. Tonight was more like old times with my grandaughters and gives me hope for more.