By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Sabrina –
Thank you. Henrys post hit home with me. I could relate to how he was feeling and wanted to offer my support and understanding in a different way…a way of saying I WAS SO THERE…and there is HOPE to get past it. Henrys post really moved me in that I could feel his words and I wanted everyone to know it does, can and will get better.
Henry – You said you are depressed. Its a god awful thing and place to be and it can be the greater cause of why the focus on the xS is so strong. But it is also affords you the opportunity to dig deeper into Henry and figure out what you want now, going forward. And that answer must not have one reference to the S in it…not even I wish I wasnt forced to recover from loving a lie. Or I wish he was this or that. Your answer about what you want now, going forward must be about HENRY.
I fight depression every evening at this point in my life. Its no longer about my relationship with the S, its about my sons life, future. Its about having no choice but to live through a severe lack of sleep or interrupted sleep to check and monitor his blood sugar levels. Some nights fine, some random nights he is sleeping in severe hypoglycemia that would cause him to never awaken if he remained in that state without being awakend and forced to take carbs. I DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF…I DO NOT WANT ANY FRIENDS OR FAMILY MEMEBERS PITY…I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO SAY HOW I FEEL…encouragement is nice..but guess what…the only person who can come to terms with this and realize this too shall pass, in terms of better control with insulin as he gets older, etc…but for now I STRUGGLE EVERY DAY, AT TIMES I AM DAZED, TIRED BEYOND, GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS, CONSTANTLY AT SCHOOL ADMINISTERING SHOTS, ETC… BUT I REFUSE TO LET IT TAKE OVER ME. I KNOW WE ALL HAVE CHALLENGES IN OUR LIVES IN MANY MANY DIFFERENT WAYS.
AND I RARELY GO WHERE I JUST DID, I DONT EVEN ALLOW ROOM FOR IT IN MY HEAD, I GO, I KEEP GOING, I DO, I PRAY, I THANK GOD HE IS HEALTHY IN EVERY OTHER WAY AND I KNOW ONE DAY THERE WILL BE A CURE. BUT I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH WITH DEPRESSION.
With regard to recovering from a toxic relationship…Learning to love yourself – and keeping up your self-esteem is exactly what I had to do. What we all have to do. Its about putting those words into action – easily into action. Love yourself in the simplest of ways. Make it fun, make it creative, make it your goal and your focus. Celebrate Henry again or for the first time.
Its hard to focus on all the wonderful things in our lives when we are depressed…so focus on one of the wonderful things in your life at a time. Start with Henry.
Im glad you are doing ok and are well. I took your words to such heart last night. And when I just opened up and shared, I realized I dont really want anyone to respond to it…I just wanted to be able to say it, express it. I am trying to learn the difference between being a good listener and being a survivor and sharing. Hang in there, I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel…and then something else to keep us on our toes or to challenge us …in the moment…the difference is we just somehow keep getting better at handling whatever comes our way in each of our lives.
Thanks for sharing and just listening, too.
Learn – This is a place where we can share how we feel even if no one responds we know someone somewhere has read our words and stopped long enough to think about it or us for a moment. We all have difficult things to deal with even with out the spath experience. But we do them out of love and because we dont even think twice about it, we do it because there is no way we wouldnt help someone we love and loves us back. You are an awesome mom and person and have touched many lives with your words of wisdom and support. This is a place where we can Think out Loud sometime’s and share our feelings, hopes and dreams..it is not just about personality disorders – my thoughts are with you and your son tonite – and thanks for the Pep talk – now lets get back to planning that LF party…..I will bring my rainbow cake made out of hugs and smiles- and jello shots for all…gnite
Henry – Thank you. Its been year and a half now for my son…I was hit with a double whammy – in terms of coping w/S experience and my sons experience…like you and dealing with job search…or others dealing with financial loss or court appearances or health issues…we all have our hands full…. I guess I needed to get that out of my system tonight…I feel lighter…thank you for being the catalyst for that one!!!!!
I will bring my Pin the tail on the horses ass game, and Walmart wading pool and name that LF blogger (bring pictures everyone) GOOD night!
Dear Nomore,
Thank you so much for your wisdom, and advice.Your story Does sound similar to my situation. I will go to the scripture you mentioned.Its wonderful that you depend on Gods word to get thru our life journey.
I am concerned if your x S could harm you, did you mean physically? I have a post under “dealing with a sociopath (I think is name of it) that is todays date, that states things I did to protect myself from physical abuse. Maybe it can help you to calm your fears and be able to provide some protection for yourself.
I wish we could search individuals blogs to review each persons story. I have trouble, as my mind is fuzzy these days anyway to keep straight details of each person here.
I so agree with you on the PTSD. I would like to look into therapy. If anyone has any ideas on where to start.
When you said this phone call, the tongue lashing he gave you for 2 hrs- that would affect anyone.
Never let him get that kind of time with you! It will ONLY hurt you and start the brainwashing over! This is his plan.
Remember LTL said HE IS NOTHING. This black entity is Not worthy of your precious time. You are TOO GOOD for that. You would NEVER let a rapist talk to you, bash YOU, and make you feel bad after such a crime. THe S rapes us of our livelihoods,joy,peace, esteem and security- Just to name a few.
Go back to N/C, the only way. Read recent posts about how they only respect those that they are afraid of- anyone else is seen as weak and pathetic to them. He is trying to use YOU for sport. You are and will continue to be strong. Pray for strenght and guidance.Take care of yourself. We are all behind you.
LTL- I cried after reading your post- You are truly a remarkable person and mother. You don’t hold back, you have the right to share anything you feel or need to get out. This is the place. We are all cheering you on, in awe of your strenghth of character.
We can all pray together for you, for your son, his blood sugar levels, his continued health and your strength to continue doing what you do. Everyone needs to be lifted up.
No one can imagine what the daily struggle with your child’s health issues is like. You must say it, scream it, say it sucks or whatever you are feeling at the moment. I pray that Jesus wraps his loving hands around you and your son and that you feel his presence more than you ever have so that you know that you are not alone. You are a giver, but never forget that your cup has to be filled too.
Dear Sabrina,
Your words were so sweet. Your posts are so strong and full of wisdom and excellent advice. Thank you for your kind and UPLIFTING words. It feels good to be here on so many levels. I think perhaps Jesus sends ALL of his angels here to be uplifted and reminded of their gift of spiritedness and love and to be recreated! What a remarkable place to be able to share, learn and grow together. I am a better, stronger, wiser person because of everyone collectively sharing their journey, including myself. Thanks for your prayers – and mine are with you and everyone here – that our days get lighter and brighter and more uplifting as we go. Im glad you are free and I will think of ideas on where to start with PTSD therapy! It can only add to a more positive outcome for those of us who are experiencing it!! xoxo
I have just been dumped by yet another psychopath. Every intimate relationship I have ever been in has turned out to be with a narcissist or a sociopath.
This is understandable as both my parents were too.
However, now I am fifty four and I had done a lot of work ( obviously not enough) through reading and therapy and here I am yet again, completely ripped off and used up and abused by the sociopath.
I have my youngest son supporting me emotionally (he is 19 and has been affected over the years by my bad choices of men, including his father. I want him to live his own life and not to have to help me again, emotionally. It is not fair on him. He doesn’t live with me but I lean on him a lot.
I am devastated, hurt, angry and feel like such a mug to have done it yet again and not seen it coming.
I too have lost all my faith in God or a higher power and in man’s humanity and compassion.
I feel like this is too much to take and that I would prefer death to this pain and exhaustion. I keep losing everything and trusting the wrong men.
Most of the women friends I have made over the years have been iether shallow or they have had border line personality disorder. What is wrong with me? why can’t I ” get it”?
The only reason I am still alive is because of my youngest son. I know he would be devastated if i gave up.
My other two older children have very little to do with me these days unless they want something.
The sociopath was also an alcoholic…I can’t believe I didn’t see it coming! He was a binge drinker..three days a week obliterated.
He is making up lies about me to the police and generally trying to make sure I suffer as he was also fraudulent in his tax and insurance affairs. He thinks I will give him up. Which I won’t as I am too scared of him.
All I wanted was my things back, including my dog (which he gave to his daughter), he owes me money and stole my jewelery and art and clothing, computer, photos etc.
Of course he had a new girlfriend within three months.
I feel sorry for her. As I know she will suffer the same consequences.
I have written off everything he has stolen from me, as every avenue I have tried to take to get it back, he has lied viciously and caused trouble.
But I can’t seem to get back on top emotionally. I have a rage inside me that I have never had before and a sadness I can’t get beyond.
It has been six months since he threw me out and he then made up a whole bunch of lies about what happened. In retrospect he planned the whole thing perfectly.
What can I do to start healing? I am so lost.l
Tilly
Tilly…What can you do to start healing? You are doing it. You’ve come to a good place here. You can tell your story. You’ll be believed. Welcome, as always, sorry you had to, but glad you’ve come here. You’ve lost a lot, but you have a good son, and you still have you. Stay here with us, when you can… there are good people here, smarter than me, who will help.
Tilly you have come to the right place…..Lots of folks here can relate and help you through this emotionally. Although I can’t relate personally to being romantically involved with a sociopath I can relate to the repeat “pattern”. I am about your age and you mentioned that this wasn’t the first psychopath in your life. My pattern was alcoholics. When we grow up in this disfunctional enviorment at home, and then repeat the pattern as adults it is hard to understand. But it happens to alot of us. I haven’t dated for years only because at this point in my life I do not want to attract the very men that seem to be attracted to me. A long process of healing. And the realization that I can be “ok” by myself.
Right now you are overwhelmed with all that has happened. The best way to begin the healing for yourself now, is to begin to learn to love yourself. Know that you didn’t deserve to be treated this way. Love yourself in the way that you DO deserve and in the very way that he was incapable of doing.
Every day do something that you used to enjoy. Make yourself do it, even when you don’t feel like it. Show yourself random acts of kindness. When you are doing this, taking the time out of your day to actually do something you enjoy, even if it is simply taking a walk, a bubble bath, don’t allow him “any space in your head” during this time. Make this your time…
You have come to the right place. Healing takes place here….
Dear Tilly,
Yes, you are at the right place here at LoveFraud. I am so sorry that you “qualify” for membership in our “club” but at the same time, it is I think one of the best groups of people I have ever been acquainted with, and the most supportive.
Many of us, not just you, have had repeated encounters with psychopaths, who are predators. Our upbringing has left us with a “vulnerability” to accepting abuse as “normal” and not only do we have to heal the immediate grief of yet another lost “dream” we have to take care of OURSELVES FIRST and heal that vulnerability so that we will never again be vulnerable to another person who is not kind and good.
It isn’t an easy journey, but it is the only one that will truly lead to being P-PROOF for life. I’ve been on this journey for a long time (I am 62) but I am starting to get it, starting to learn to set boundaries, and to take care of ME FIRST.
Welcome to Love Fraud, and I suggest that because KNOWLEDGE=POWER, that you go back through the archived articles here and read each article (there are a bunch) until you have read them all. There are also several books here that are reviewed and I suggest that you get some or all of them. They are excellent. And, stay around and blog with us. Again, welcome!
Sabrina, i was reading your earlier post about PTSD and to tell you the truth i as you prob already know went through a Traum/Addictions program in Guelph ontario, apparantly the best in Canada as there were people from all provinces etc. But honestly there is no cure , i go alot of confirmations as to ptsd and Stockholm Syndrom and i still want to minimize the ptsd as i was in with military who obviously were better candidates in my mind but one young soldier in my cohort (28 and 3 tours) said you have it Shelly , you just aquired it differently. Yesterday after i walked passed the s daughter , i got into my car and was thinking how evil and heartless and what users she and her ffather are, then i’d flip to feeling sorry for them as they know not what they are missing. Then as i was driving with this clarity in my mind, i saw the s pulling out of a car dealership and i literally got a dose of what i suspect iis the Ptsd. My stomach grips and then i go into a panic mode, not quite attacks but right up there on the scale. The relly interesting part is when this happens and it lasts for at least 5 to 10 minutes i want to go towards th e s to make it go away. I mention this as i’ve done this numerous times in the past and i just read about it in the Betrayal Bond book, paradoxical reaction to abuse. Study with rats and they gave them electric shock in boxes and let them lose and when they were under stress or duress they ran back to the boxes they knew would give them a shock. This expains alot of why we would go back to the dog that bites us so to speak. I didn’t thank God but i came home and i’ve been praying for clarity and the truth where he’s concerned and something that i had blocked came to me. I calle d his ex mother in law (deserve a bonk for that for sure) and discussed several things that all can’t be off, he in my opinion is a sexual deviant but a sly one at that. Very careful but he doens’t fool me, and i give benefit of the doubt till the end of time but i can see where they exploit anyone and anything, men, women, children. I felt nauseous thinking about seeing this young girl in his basement in a flannel nightgown(opposite to his usual seexual preference of short skirt, nylons(fetishfor sure) and high heels. Sick sick sick. i had actually blocked that incident but at the time i knew how perverted and sick it was. But i was the only witness. He’s worse than i ever suspected he was and i think god has allowed me to see glimpses of this. He’s gotten away with it all these years as i suspect most devient types do but i wouldn’t put anything past him, but he is very careful to not get caught. i’ve got to let this go but i think i needed to look at the things that are hard to admit. and Matt, thanks so much for the vote of confidence and so glad to hear that at 6 monts you feel so much better, sounds like an eternity away just like when i quit drinking but it gives me something to look forward to. love kh