By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Wow, LearnTheLesson – that was an awesome post. If I can end up with even a fraction of your insight and wisdom after I’ve come out the other side of this, it will have been worth it. And that’s saying a lot.
I have a question for those farther along the road to recovery than I am. Having had to deal with depression all my life, I’m familiar with the way it saps my energy when I’m not doing well. But I have to say, the exhaustion I’ve been feeling the last couple of years seems to be of a different quality. I’ve gotten myself checked out medically and there doesn’t seem to be a physical basis for this. Is this a side-effect of being preyed upon by a vampire? I say this only partly in jest. And if so, how long does it last? I’m groping my way along here, not sure what is normal and what is something I need to be concerned about, whether I just need to be patient or whether I need to be proactive and do something.
It’s interesting, the guy who preyed on me. I can more understand the SPs who go after someone to get something from them and just don’t care about them and then discard them, but it was like this guy just went out of his way to destroy me for no particular reason. I was thinking the other day about this time I was in a public garden once and this beautiful, white and crystal insect came flying along, with sort of that loopy flight of a butterfly – it was just a really sweet-looking, exotic creature – and this guy spotted it, who was hanging out with a gaggle of adoring girls – and he just stomped on it and killed it for no reason. And I was thinking about this guy who went after me. I honestly can fathom no reason and for some reason, the senselessness of it makes it all the harder to understand. And for some reason, not understanding makes it harder to deal with if that makes any sense.
Tilly, my heart goes out to you so much. I don’t have as much to offer you as the rest of the people on this site, who are truly amazing, but I do have my emotional support and sympathy and empathy to give. It is just incomprehensible what some people do to others. And like you, now that I’m getting my eyes opened more and more to this whole phenomenon, I can look back over my life and see how often I became friends with people who used me. The fact that I have a happy marriage with a good man is just so unbelievably fortunate, I don’t even know how I pulled it off (and I almost lost him, first, to medical error, then to the stress that the SP put on our marriage). If it helps at all, I cried pretty much every day for a year-and-a-half. And now I only cry every month or so. And I am feeling stronger. As Jim says, you’ve taken a great first step by coming here. I wish I’d known about this site sooner.
KH- Thank you for the details about PTSD, since I am not able to get into therapy now, this is wonderful to “borrow” your feedback.. Any comments are welcome.
If I understand what your saying- no cure for PTSD. Do they recommend anything to lessen it? I know therapy begats more therapy. I Don’t really relish getin into the rat race- speaking of..
The rat experiment, very interesting. Clarifying on so many levels.
I believe all new people on these blogs should immediately study: (for getting answers to Why did I fall for this????)
The stockholm syndrome
Trauma Bonds (betrayal bonds)
Blogs on HOW to deal with Sociopaths- wish I’d seen it sooner.
At least its a start.
MAYBE OXY could Put all the mottos, everything in an archive-HINT HINT!
Initially, I spent months “with my stick” BOINK, as you called it- desparately pondering how an intelligent person who runs a business, decent morals, good support system, no vices- or so I thought-, blah blah blah could allow A MANIAC to try to dismantle my life. I say TRIED.
I read that surviving concentration camp victims (far worse than my trauma) fared much better physically, emotionally with the attitude of forgiveness. Right now, I can’t embrace the word “forgiveness”. Should we FORGIVE A DEMON? Maybe more appropriate- Go with Acceptance-
Somewhat of a stretch at times, but I accept what has happened. I will need to study the scriptures more as we ‘ve found all these passages where God speaks about evil men.
My resounding message I got from Proverbs is to STAY AWAY. Sorry for rambling. I am still in a funk- didnt go to work today or yesterday. I am trying to fight isolation, but right now it seems to be my only friend…
Dear learnthelesson:
It is so freeing to be able to finally be on the other side. I was away from the sociopath (ex after 25 years of marriage) for 17 years. At Thanksgiving last year, our daughter invited us both over for a “family” meal. Long story short, we began a relationship. Over these 4 months, I felt like I was experiencing quite a lot of dissonance. I journaled daily, and felt like two people – one who was involved with a s and another who thought I must be crazy. This man has been in my life either physically or emotionally for 42 years. We were in a religious cult together for 16 years – a cult which our children were born into. The whole family left together after our involvement in a 12 step program. My ex feigned alcoholism and became a guru in AA. Anyway, back to the dissonance. Seven days ago I experienced an integration where I “got it”. It was a complete deliverance, for lack of another word. I was on the other side. What I didn’t see, feel or know suddenly presented to me. I had a deep healing come over me, and what I now realize is that I had an integration of my two parts – the part that needed deprogramming from this monster and the healthy me. Occassionally I wonder how I should feel about him – is he sick or bad? The past few days, I feel the withdrawal, as if from a powerful drug. I feel the shortness of temper, but NO wanting to go back. I don’t miss him, but I feel shell shock when I realize that this was never what I thought it was – the sweet family I always wanted, the growing old together, our grandchildren, our family pictures that I look at in disbelief, etc.
Learnthelesson, you are such a blessing to this site, as you are giving the gift of hope to those who are on the journey and not quite as far along as you are. You can share the terrain and the beautiful new life up ahead.
Just need to process, and love that I can do it here. I learned at Wellspring (inpatient tx for recovery from s’s) that it helps to look back at the reality of what really happened that I didn’t “get” back then when I was “in it”.
He had numerous affairs and would bring home the “gifts” his latest Bimbos would give him and tell me they were from him. I used to think, “This isn’t even his taste”. When our little girl was about 8 he heard one of his friends call his daughter a pet name and started calling our daughter that. He mimicked what other people did and said. He became “Pentacostal”, and thought he was more spiritual and “walking in the giftings” than anyone else, and would walk the isles of the church during services to “do spiritual warfare”. We moved 30 times in 20 years, living from family to family. He never worked. Our children had to change schools more times than I can count. He would never offer to mow a lawn or help in any way. He took us to Missouri so he could go to Central Bible College. After we were there, he went to the college and came home and told us it wasn’t accredited so he couldn’t go. Our car was repossessed while we were there, living with a youth pastor and his young wife. All of these things happened while we were in the cult. I not only needed deprogramming from the Worldwide Church of God, but also from the s and his mother, who is an n and in full flight from reality. The s, a few weeks ago, prior to me telling him this wasn’t working for me anymore told me he had a few pictures of me, and that my eyes looked like a deer in the headlights. Wonder why?
I’m thinking of you, Henry, and you wonder if you might be Bi-
Polar. I was diagnosed with Depression for years before I finally realized myself from reading symptoms of Bi-
Polar 11 that I was suffering from what they call “Soft Bi-Polar”. It manifests as severe depression and what is known as hypomania. I have been on meds for about 4 years now, and the depression is gone. I take Wellbutrin as well as a mood stabilizer. I also have PTSD. I grew up in a home with a Bi-Polar father as well as a mother who is a Narcissist. Small wonder I made such poor choices in men, and married the first guy who paid attention to me. I was a nanny for a family who took me to Hawaii and, as I have told, I met the s on the beach 2 hours before I left – I was there 2 weeks! I believe my life has unfolded exactly as it was supposed to, and I have 2 beautiful children and 4 grandchildren who are delightful. What I have come to see is that I am now far away from all of this to feel safe enough to look back without this biting me in the butt! There will be more blogging as the need arises, and we are an amazing bunch of people. I didn’t spend much time being mad at God, as He was with me the whole time, and it was me who made the choices. After all, He gives me free will. He never went away from me, but I wandered away from Him in Self Will and ignorance due to not knowing any better and doing the best I could do at the time with the skewed knowledge and tools I had in my bag. When I know to do better, I do.
PTSD….I think I had that, but not to a debilitating degree. Humor helps….My suggested program:
1. Recognize the source of the PTSD (or is it TSD then?)
2. Get away from the source of the PTSD
3. Stay away from the source of the PTSD
4. Add time
Father, forgive me for I have sinned:
A while ago, riding in the car with my daughter and her friend, my daughter in the passenger seat…there had been an incident at the ex-tox’s house and the friend was there…apparently the ex-tox had gotten right in my daughter’s face, bug-eyed, and screamed: “What’s your problem!”
I was chuckling to myself (I recall the look) and trying to drive and pretend to ignore what I’d heard…with no warning, my daughter leaned over, right next to me, bug-eyed, and screamed in my ear…loud…”WHAT”S YOUR PROBLEM!”
Well, I went limp, let my tongue loll out, and started to shake and “convulse”…my daughter and her friend looked worried…
I stopped, sighed, and said…”sorry, flashback, post taumatic stress disorder”…and laughed.
Everybody cracked up!
I’ll say 10 “Hail Oprah”‘s and write to Dr. Phil for help….and forgive myself. I know, shouldn’t have done it. LMAO…sorry, I know it can be very serious.
BTW, I hope my post didn’t come out sounding like I think it’s easier for anyone to bear what happened to them just because it makes some kind of sick “sense” in terms of being exploited and used. And truly, what happened to me is minor league compared to what some people have been subjected to who have been much more ensnared and entangled than I was by the SPs in their lives. Some of these stories just make me shudder and I just feel so glad for everyone who has been able to see what was going on and get away–start to reclaim their lives. But being targeted in any way by someone as devious and manipulative and destructive as a sociopath really is a shattering experience, especially, I think, for those of us who struggle with our mental health in the first place.
Kindheart–I’m sorry I didn’t read your post on Saturday night so I could send you a cyber hug. I’m glad you sound like you’re doing better.
Housie, I’m glad you are here and feel you have a place to process. I feel the same way about that. It just helps so much to have some place to express our feelings with people who understand and get it, instead of feeling like doing something healthy–talking about and processing what happened–will make things worse for us.
Dear Housie ,
“I had a deep healing come over me, and what I now realize is that I had an integration of my two parts – the part that needed deprogramming from this monster and the healthy me”
I love how you said this. It is really the beginning of the journey to the other side. Sorting it all out. Painfully honestly and open. Seeing things for what they really were – not the fantasy. Forgiving yourself. And yes I believe ultimately (way down the road) being able to forgive the other too (for your own healing journey)…
“Occassionally I wonder how I should feel about him – is he sick or bad?”
I think Ive realized he is someone who is stagnant in life, directionless, immature and incredibly selfish. Sure sick, bad, toxic are all things Ive felt about him. But in the end I feel he is where he should be, wants to be…and I am definitely where I should be and want to be now. I now feel I truly didnt want what he ultimately put on the table — his true colors — they were not in my realm of a beautiful rainbow or anywhere near.
I feel he was one of my greatest mistakes to date. (mistake equates to learning lesson) He was simply an experience to learn and grow from (as well as at one point spiral out of control from)- simply because I didnt have the tools, knowlege, ability to deal with his ways, my ways, our ways – AND I DIDNT LOVE MYSELF, RESPECT MYSELF, TRUST MYSELF ENOUGH.
Housie, take it one day at a time. You are in the right place. With such growth spurts as yours a week ago, come some set backs (Im being honest)…but the beauty is you are figuring it all out, you are growing and learning in ways that will now catapult you forward.
Your journey has been filled with so much to deprogram from. You now see the big picture of your past journies and are looking ahead to your future journey and being free! Your children and grandchildren can now enjoy their life with you even more…dont be too hard on yourself – because you are right – you did the best you could with what you knew to do – what youve had to overcome are some unbelievable unphathomable challenges — blog away, night or day…its healing. Thank you for sharing… I am glad you are here! And thank you…
Wow, everyone here has been through so much. Sabrina, I was thinking about the place Housie went to when you asked about advice in dealing with PTSD. She talked about this retreat center on another thread — Wellspring, in Ohio. They work with victims of cults and victims of abusive relationships. I looked at their website and am interested in learning more for myself. They have scholarships available and I think the main stay is for 2 weeks. Obviously Housie can tell you much more. Oh, and another person on here is familiar with this place — BloggerT. It sounds good to me and I read somewhere about people getting real life changing help even in that short time frame. Plus they have secular and Christian approaches available, I think.
Sabrina, thank you so much for your kind words and for your concern for my safety. Most of the abuse I’ve suffered has been extreme verbal and psychological (and for 30+ years). There’s been occasional physical but nothing like what you’ve experienced.
Though this last time was both — the hours of screaming was actually in person and then he tackled me and wouldn’t let me go. Unfortunately I was not entirely innocent as I stupidly threatened to kill myself at one point, and then later wouldn’t give him his cell phone — the latter is why he tackled me. Only minor cuts and a welt but very traumatic and I wonder if I’m suffering from acute traumatic stress from that incident, and his subsequent behavior, in which he lied to the police about me and brought a no contact order charging me with domestic abuse. After all the abuse I’ve suffered from him through the years, including some physical that I refused to go to the hospital when I needed to so as to keep him from getting in trouble, and he turns on me like this. Unbelievable to me, especially in the whole context of the preceding days.
He had been harrassing me for days, actually for the whole past year to reconcile, but it had just come to a head that weekend with his declarations of “love” and his insistence, “I need to come home NOW” whether I liked it or not. I’d been holding out because of all the things I knew he was still lying about. And I was holding out on the idea itself of reconciliation. Once I came to accept the possibility, if ever, I planned to take it very slowly until I felt he was through with the abuse and was trustworthy, and I mean not at all living together through such a process.
He’s spent most of the year harping on what is wrong with me and what his needs are. This after I discovered a multi-layerd double life of immorality, money and major business lies, gave me an STD etc. All the while he was a leader and preacher in his church.
Not only was he lying about all sorts of stuff still, at the time of the incident, I knew for fact that he had a present girlfriend while he was declaring his love and demanding to come home. Stupid me, trying to do the right thing still and consider possible reconciliation, I gave him three days of every sort of questions to get him to voluntarily admit to the girlfriend, but he kept lying through his teeth.
Finally the night of the incident I asked him point blank who she was. I’d been ill, harrassed to the point of exhaustion by him, hadn’t been sleeping and was already an emotional basketcase over all of this. Then he had the nerve to tell me about his night with her of heavy kissing and how wonderful it was, etc. etc., and how much she loved him. (he denied sleeping with her even though I know for a fact he spent many long evenings in her condo — as usual he pretty much just admitted to me what he knew I knew) This in the context of his claims of still wanting to be married to me.
I didn’t react to this, stayed very calm. I told him I had investigated to find out who she was, and I think this is what set him off. He turned on a dime. Whereas he spent days supposedly trying to win me back, he now spent hours screaming at me and telling me in every imaginable way what a worthless person I have always been, etc., etc., etc. Still I took this patiently though weeping uncontrollably the whole time.
It was after this that I blew it and threatened to kill myself. Because I wasn’t entirely pure here, even though he utterly lied about me and the incident — he was the violent one, I guess I didn’t have much recourse, especially since he colored everything his way. Anyway, I was and am literally depending upon God’s mercy for me. The legal thing was dropped (I don’t know why h changed his mind) but now the h is trying to worm his way back in and acting like we can still reconcile. But this whole thing was a major wake up call for me and I am absolutely done, and except for rare conversations on finances I never want to speak to him or be around him again.
Here I’ve spent a year dealing with his lies, behaviors, pressure, and in torment over what to do about the relationship while all the while never losing it emotionally with him. Even after discovering the stuff, including profiles on numerous dating sites. Then this one thing happens where I loose it emotionally and he turns it publicly against me. I gave him some rope but he was destructive, violent, and unjust. What an ending, after I tormented myself with guilt of what I should do to be right. To say nothing of the mental torment of dealing with a pathological liar — even having straight out facts in front of me he could make me think I’m crazy. This has been the worst to deal with and is what led me to feel the need to prove him, and investigate.
I’m sorry for going on so long. After reading on the other thread where you (Sabrina) and Matt were talking about dealing legally with children and the sociopath I was pretty shaken. I’ve started this whole thing (divorce process) out very badly indeed by loosing it emotionally, even in front of the police I was emotional. I guess my fears are that now that I know he’ll stop at nothing to even publically humiliate and slander me, and I feel defensless with him anyway — he wins friends and influences people for sure, and I’m just a weak isolated housewife who was an emotional basketcase. You see I am not a strong person. But God has been helping me to hold it together, has had mercy on me, and I get great comfort from His Word. I have no where else to turn. (not meaning there aren’t wonderful people who have done so much, including this wonderful site!)
Sabrina
Dr. Robert Hare stated that almost everything we know of a psychcopath is a paradox. That statement in itself speaks volumes. It is no wonder that so much inner processing has to happen before the healing can begin.
Sabrina mentions an attitude of forgiveness was the way of healing for concentration camp victims. And how hard that is for Sabrina to embrace that word right now. I think for many victims, regardless of what made them a victim, forgiveness CAN be very hard to embrace……Forgiveness takes time. For sure your onto to something something when you said acceptance comes first.
I believe it is only when we fully accept something bad happened that we can possibly move forward to forgive. And rather than get “stuck” in a place where we can’t move on if we find ourselves still unable to forgive, maybe learning to peacefully co-exist with it, until we can find ourselves ABLE to forgive.
When my husband took his own life I spent a looong time in a the “co-existing” state with this before forgiveness came…. I had already made peace with it in many ways, and had answered all the many “why” questions that a survivor has…..But forgiveness took the longest time.
Dear Skippy,
If you are experiencing a depression that has shifted to more than just minor or fleeting…it may totally be able to wipe you out moreso than ever. Its so hard to know, but you are the best judge of what feels right for you. I spent months in bed…I lost the will and energy to do anything more than the bare minimum…to this day I dont know how I did it…maybe for my kids…or ultimately for myself…but I was the oldest one at my little local gym…I walked along the river with music, I hiked, I got a puppy, I came to LF, I said yes to friends again, I got out of it!
If you have tried everything and still feel wiped out or exhaused or unmotivated – you probably do need to be more proactive and do something more for yourself.
Regarding your xtox, great analogy in the garden…even when they go after you for something and DandD you, or simply derive pleasure from destroying you…its all senseless. And the not knowing how or why or what in the world drives them…can drive us crazy ourselves. I came to realize even if I had the answer it wouldnt make sense to me. So senseless ultimately is what they are to me. They are just different, come from a different mold. I am no better than anyone else, just different. I make different choices and live my life a much different way. I just know what makes sense now is recognizing the people who are good for me and bad for me. Those Red Flags. Without them I dont know where I would be!!!
You are happily married now! To a good man ! Thats wonderful news!! Even more light at the end of the tunnel!!!! He is equally lucky to have you!! Hope you start to feel better soon! Thanks for sharing too!!