By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
hey guys just talked with a gf of mine about my stupid thinking, he’ s treating the new woman better than i , nonsense and she had to talke me out of the nonsense. Sometimes i have to remember where i’ve come from with regards to my ex husband. Not to say he’s perfect in any way but he is so decent , i really can’t even describe how opposite to the s. When i think of how my life was before all this happened, it was so totally different but i can’t change it. I was at a very low point in my life when i met the s and my gf and i were both disgussing how we think we are pretty nice , decent ,moral women and we wonder where the heck the men are who ar ethe same. We are both pretty much resigned to being alone. guy with plane called again and he’s heding south to a plane show for weekend. Nice enough but im not interested , don’t know if it’s no sparkss or just im not in a good place. Bit of both i guess. I want to forget the s so badly and get my head on straight where he is concerned. When i was in Homewood, in the trauma program and actually most of the programs had the men and women do colages(bad spelling sorry) and cut out pictures of things they love and want in their life. Just a thought for any of you who are bored . We also did boxes (containment they called it) and put things in it that we didn’t like or bothered us , kind of like a safe place. I get lonely now and again but as my gf pointed out im better laying on the floor kicking and screaming being lonely than going back to that piece of crap. love kindheart
Ntmare:
Well, for what it’s worth, at least you’re getting sex — which was a lot more than I was getting out of my bf (aka “S”). My question is for all the aggravation you’re going through, why bother? You’re now at the point you’re abusing her back. As somebody on this site once said no sane person would stay in a relationship which was so mutually destructive.
Sociopaths are master of tuning your life and reality upside down. Until you get out of the brain fog and give up thinking they are going to change, nothing will change. NC is the only way. You have to cut it off completely. Or you will never get your life back. I cut mine off last November. It was either do that or kill myself. I am finally getting my life back. But, what a high cost I paid to get here.
Matt you had to go and mention the sex didn’t you just to rub it into me.(no pun intended) . Just kidding after 5 years of no sex im with you on this one. and Nightmare i agree with you , i’ve told my s what i think of him from a to z and he still will come back for more if i let him. It’s almost like he wants to know what i really know about him and think about him as he’s figured out im alot more clever than he ever bargained for. They want to know in an amused sort of way, see how close you are but it’s all a game to them. Mine is pretty afraid of me at this point as after the last no contact and how much damage it did to me , a male friend went over and wouldn’t tell me what was said but suffice it to say that he’s afraid of me. GREAT as the only gosh darn emotion you can get out of these types is fear and trust me he deserves it. Hence the wave last week, i read him like a book. It will buy me a little time before the smear campaign begins. Amazing isn’t it you guys how much they are all alike and how dam predictible they become to us. I remember in the early days some 5 an d a half years ago when i first thought “he’s playing games” as i was not accustomed to games being married for 17 years to a very balanced man. Then the next thing you are playing the game just to keep your head above water, and our competitive nature comes out and you will never win with these types. Mine even when i did win , he couldn’t admit it. To think i thought he was a genius years ago and now i think he’s a bloody bafoon, moron . Great con though i will give him that. Mine seems to get away with just about murder as well but when i really look at his pathetic life, one daugher int ometh on streets, other daugher in no/contact for over 4 years, two grandson s being raised by strangers, he ‘s getting his karma but he doesn’t even get it. He even said recently, i beleive in karma, and i thought you idiot . I doubt he connects it , too stupid to get it. Get rid of her and get a real woman . Sorry to be so blunt. Should take my own advice. Seriously they are so not worth the energy when it really comes down to it. Nothing is real , they change their minds depending on which way the wind blows. Stand for nothing. No convictions, boy i’m on a roll tonight. anyway i’m with you all the way, throw her to the curb with the trash. Mine belongs there too. love kindheart
You don’t know (or maybe you do) how happy I am to have found this site. I’m looking forward to forging a new life. My eyes are just opening to the craziness I have lived over the last 12 years or so. I can’t believe it has happened to me. I thought I was smarter than someone who could be duped, but I was in an unusually vulnerable spot when he sought me out and pounced on me. Now I have a framework to understand why I have been unable to have a relationship with a man in years – extreme anxiety like reliving the experience w/ my ex. The effect on me was caused by a more subtle exploitation so I allowed it to go on for years, unaware. Thank God he lives in another country, but the effects persist. I’m so relieved that I’ve figured out what’s “wrong” with me. I felt like I was the only one. Thanks everyone for your contributions here. I plan to read a lot more!
Dear learnthelesson,
Thanks so much for your wisdom. I do know there will be setbacks- didn’t mean to imply that I’ve arrived – but this I DO know – and that is that I am on the other side. I have my cult experience to fall back on. When I finally got it, I never thought it wasn’t a cult again – nor did I want to go back. The biggest challenge I now face is the depersonalization and derealization I am expereiencing – the feelings of unreality – the NEW normal. There is an emptiness where he was that must be filled. The strangest thing is that I have an MSW and have taken classes on Personality Disorders – my professor in graduate school told me that many of the men that returned from Viet Nam as he did returned with PTSD and Anti Social Personality Disorder. My obstacles now are living my way into a new way of thinking – of not regretting the past nor wishing to shut the door on it – of being excited about what the future holds, having been set free. I have heard that the truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable. I am greatful for a 12 step program of Al-Anon to facilitate my journey to a new place. I am greatful to travel with such compassionate fellow travelers.
housie:
Your comment about the cult experience made me think about S. My relationship with him was like being in a cult consisting of 2 men — S and me. The nonstop worship, unconditional acceptance of the dictates of the cult leader (S). The willingness to do anything S demanded and the willingness to debase myself to keep his adulation. A relationship with an S really is like being in a cult.
When the brain fog (unreality) starts to lift, you do become aware of the depersonalization, derealization and devaluing that you have experienced and start to panic that not only are you irretrievably lost, but that there will never be anything to fill that horrible void that is left post-S.
As for the emptiness you’re experiencing, I’m starting to discover after 6 months that the obsessing is starting to subside and as your life gets up and running it starts to fill the emptiness.
Today I took a walk to enjoy beautiful spring day in NYC. Anyhow, as I strolled along, I had a momentary thought about S. Then it dawned on me that I no longer gave a damn about getting revenge on S. S’s life is on a downward spiral. He’s got no future due to his criminal record and truly horrendous credit history. His options are limited. My revenge is to live a happy, successful life.
Learn the Lesson – Thanks so much for the kind words. Yes, it is really true that I have so much to be thankful for, most of all, my sweet husband. I know this and yet, as so many people on this site have experienced, right now it’s sort of like watching it all on television. I do think part of it is that I’m still probably dealing with some PTSD, the numbness and feeling of unreality, but as you and others have pointed out, I think that might be part of the healing process, which can take a long time. I think our minds try to protect us and let the numbness lift little by little so we can handle the pain. Right now, I don’t know which causes me more hurt, the mindless, utterly unexpected attack of the SP in my life and all the attendant crapola, or the fact that, until I realized what was happening, I let it happen, tried to make up with this false “friend,” and didn’t protect myself, didn’t honor myself.
Britney, Witsend, Nomore, Esprit, Ntmare (please forgive me if I’ve left anyone out), I am so sorry for your suffering. I wish you all the peace and strength in the world. I do really believe, and am working on this very, very hard, that we are meant to give ourselves the perfect love that our extox’s so falsely tantalized us with. I think that is how they capture us. They show us how we should really be treating ourselves, but because of our upbringing, Achilles’ heel, whatever, we don’t–we look for it outside of ourselves.
I found a picture of myself taken when I was two or three when I was going through some boxes the other day, and the innocent curiosity and playful anticipation that is so clearly evident really affected me; so I’ve put it out where I can see it so that it can be a reminder of that untouched, undamaged girl. We are innocent, we are beautiful, we are God’s creations. We deserve our own love that we so generously give others.
Thanks for helping me to remember who I used to be, all you generous souls. And I hope that all of us who are here posting get back in touch with our truest, most resilient selves.
Thanks Sabrina and Kindheart for responding.
I do have a new psychologist who has already helped me with her advice, simple but so focused I can follow it easily — part of it being to get a lot of rest and take care of myself (I have several chronic illnesses, one is autoimmune). I’ve been taking extra care to listen and practice her advice, and not put any extra burdens on myself. It seems to be keeping me above water. I don’t want this adjustment disorder to become chronic and am trying to avoid taking meds at this point.
I really am not afraid of physical harm if I stay completely away from him. It’s more the psychological stuff, the slander, and the legal games that worry me — he has blindsided me with things I never expected (have had some irrational fears but that’s another story). I ordered the book by Bill Eddy that Donna mentioned on the other thread. The title is “Splitting” and I guess it deals with divorcing these disturbed individuals. I remember another book I think Oxy mentioned about legal abuse I’ll have to look into as well.
I guess if I take this to it’s ultimate what’s the worst he could do (leaving out physical) — ruin my reputation and impoverish me? If my conscience is right that is most important, and of course relationships with those close to me.
Thanks so much Sabrina for taking the time to dig out the Scriptures. That was so good of you! On the “I am not strong” I should rephrase that for sure. I actually have been strong on some points but have not always been strong in every instance as evidenced by that horrible night I spoke of. And as to h and fear… What’s funny is that after I posted that I was dealing with fears regarding him, I wished I wouldn’t have said it. Only because things were coming under control and by talking about it my mind went there again. Anyway, your words fit that.
Thanks everyone for listening. I really rambled too much this afternoon.
P.S. Matt — loved your advice to ntmare! Wanted to say some of it myself.
Thank you Skippy too for your loving words!
Dear Nomore, Everyone here struggles with feeling weak, and defeated- its no wonder. You have been thru so much, and your still here- and that in itself, shows your strength.
You are certainly entitled to say anything and everything you feel here. Don”t hold back. It is healing to get it out. What we feel one day may totally be opposite of our mood, feelings the next. And thats OK. We are on our journey .
While in the midst of such turmoil, our bodies are weakened from such stress. It takes its toll.
Especially you mentioned some other illnesses.
I guess the challenge is to renew and strengthen our minds,spirit and keep our faith strong even when our bodies are struggling.
That is why I thought you might benefit from those verses- they assure us of what we have supernaturally- especially when we don’t feel strong or capable. Days like today, when getting out of bed is a challenge for me, I give myself permission to “feel” grief, sadness, or just be tired. In that, I “try” to guard my thoughts so the enemy dosen’t get a foothold to sabatoge my courage to move forward. Please post often and anything you feel at the moment, its healthy to get it out.
Skippy- You give us all hope of future healthy relationships. I am happy that you have a wonderful husband!