By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Welcome, lostsoul…glad you found this site…never too late. Beginning to understand “what happened” is the beginning to finding a way to enjoy peace and joy…and the real “you” again. Best wishes to you and your husband…and closer yet to 100% is better!
Dear Lostsoul,
WELCOME to Lovefraud! I am so glad that you found this site and that you are on the road to healing….a journey that is NEVER TOO LATE TO START! I suggest that you go back through the archived articles and read each ARTICLE (don’t worry about the blogs below them for a while, ust the articles) there is so much information in them that will helpyou to see the patterns and see why you were hooked and why you were hurt.
At some point in time, our healing becomes less (or nothing) about them and more or completely about US. What it was that made us believe their lies, what made us allow them to continue to use and abuse us. Learning those things and applying them to our lives allows us to start TRUSTING OURSELVES again. Until you can trust yourself to make good decisions (and forgive yourself for past bad choices) it is difficult to trust anyone else (like your new husband).
Believe me, I too, and I bet most of us here, have made some DOOZIES of bad choices in the past, so my dear, YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THAT! This is a wonderful and diverse group of people with one thing in common, we are all healing from the trauma of being victimized by one of these creatures.
Again, welcome!
Ive heard many people here say they wish they did things differently or sooner or earlier in their life instead of spending so much time on a failed toxic relationship…but I do believe time alone after any relationship esp. a toxic one is paramount. The amount of time is something I personally wanted to put a timeframe on… After a year and half (combined of no physical with no contact at all) I really wanted to do two things…get to a better place and continue to learn and grow and heal. I made myself (nearly 3 or 4 weeks ago) CHANGE MY ATTITUDE…after literally having an angry fit at myself here “live and in person” on a post where I just ranted at myself for my choices and what I didnt do to protect myself, and released my remaining anger…etc.etc. etc.
I just decided at that point, I was done with that part of the healing journey as it relates to my relationship with a toxic person. I was ready to be kind to myself, easier to myself and lighter…I wanted to heed the advice of so many here to start to make positive changes NOW – NOT 10 years from now…
But to me, in life …age is nothing , unless you are a bottle of wine or cheese!!! whether 30 or 60 or somewhere in between… all that matters is when you start to put your words and actions in to play…when you take the steps to love yourself and enable yourself to be loved …BY YOURSELF. This can be done at any age! We shouldnt be looking back with regrets but looking ahead with “so this is where I am now, what am I going to do with where I am /what I have and what do I want” …. only each one of us can make it happen.
When we truly let go, which is A PART OF LIFE, A NECESSARY PART OF LIFE TO GET AROUND THE BEND…you actually do get around the bend and can create endless pathes by doing exactly as Oxy says above,
“start TRUSTING OURSELVES again. Until you can trust yourself to make good decisions (and forgive yourself for past bad choices)”..you remain somewhat stagnant.
Dont let one person be the reason you let your life down. Pick yourself up when you are ready to try and show yourself who you really are. Not the person he wreaked havoc on who cant find reason for being or to keep going, that person needs time to heal and become stronger…its a choice! Make the choice to not ever let one person or one relationship take your spirit away from you. Your spirit is still there waiting for you to heal and find yourself again. Stronger and better than ever! Its a choice. One I know we all can make.
DEAR LEARN-ED the lesson,
TOWANDA!!!!!
DEAR OX-DROVER,
I dont think you will ever realize the full impact of your insight wisdom caring sharing and skillet boinking ways… I had been doing alot of work on myself prior to landing in your generous ((arms)) at LF! I had no clue what I was going to find when I clicked on the link to LF (much like none of us know whats around the bend…when we allow ourselves to let go — and actually go there…
Both you and Kathleen Hawk helped me, encouraged me to go to a place within myself and sort it all out. Im still doing that, but I have reached a place of self-love and self-respect I never had before. I truly dont want a bad person or a toxic ex in my life space. I loved him, my goodness did I ever love him and hoped for him to learn and grow and make healthier choices – but he was not the guy for me, he was a toxic person who made bad choices with me. And to this day, I believe I added insult to injury by not having the self-respect, self-trust and self-love one truly must have in order to even begin to enter into a healthy relationship. I was at a deficit from the beginning. As was he, in a different way.
Now, I know what I want and deserve and I SO KNOW THE RED FLAGS!! Its much easier to navigate through life knowing and acting on the red flags and trusting my instincts and good choices. Good people are out there…many more of them than not. And when you are ready to worship yourself and love yourself and go out of your way for yourself the way you did for your exs and others…when you are ready to do that and give that to yourself — the rest will fall into place. It almost becomes foul-proof. With your strong and respectful boundaries in place, noone can ever mess with your own personal space ever again.
So thank you dear Oxy…and dear Kathy…for being mentors and role models here at Lovefraud. Your journies far supercede many of ours, and the goodness and true survival tactics you teach and that you have brought to others awareness from your pain and learning and growth touches many, many lives. Mine included. Thank you! TOWANDA RIGHT BACK ATCHYA OXY!!!! xoxo
Dear Learned the lesson,
(hanging head here in false humility) LOL Thank you my dear! I hope that my little BOINKS from time to time have helped you along the road to Healing….because I want something good to come out of all the chaos I have been through, not just for me, but for others as well….For the past few months I have been experiencing some new ….new what?….I’m not sure, but some NEW FEELINGS….about ME–not them, but ME.
Today was a wonderful spring day, a little warmer than usual for this time of year….so many things to do, but I just sort of floated through the day, doing a bit here, a bit there, not accomplishing a lot, but did accomplish a little on some of the “to do” list….but it isn’t the FRANTIC “work, work, work” feeling I have always had, and no matter how fast I ran it was never fast enough to satisfy that inner beast that told me to get more done….I guess you could say I had the “Mad Hatter” syndrome…RUSH, RUSH, RUSH! Now, there’s just no pushing, rushing, hurrying, feeling guilty cause I didn’t get “enough” accomplished.
This evening I shared a bottle of cheap wine with a friend over dinner here at the farm, just talking about the various breeds of dogs and the intuition the dogs seem to have….
You are so right, Learn-ED about toxic people, it doesn’t matter WHO that person is, if they are “toxic” or “hateful” or “negative” I want them OUT of my life…PERIOD. I don’t feel the need to “justify” to myself that I dont’ want them in my life. I don’t even have to have a “good reason” or even ANY “reason.” I don’t owe it to anyone to be their “friend” or “rescuer” or anything else. As Kathy would say “this isn’t working for me” is ALL the excuse or reason I need.
If my words have contributed to your journey, I am glad, and I am sure that along the line, your words will be (are already) supportive to another person(s), and so the ripples that DONNA started will move outward in a healing wave to those that need it. I am so glad to see your progress as you have moved along the road toward Healing….that journey that will emcompass us the rest of our lives, as we grow and become better and wiser people. (not just older!) (((hugs)))) and my prayer for your continued journey.
Greetings to All of the lovely souls on the journey:
Today was a better day. I went to my mom’s and pulled some weeds in the garden, made a decision not to return to a counselor I went to yesterday for the first time and got a bad gut feeling with, and found out the clutch needs replacing in my car to the tune of $700.00. It felt good to just do life for a day without obsessing about the s.
I’m wishing you all a peace filled night, and prayers for a bright tomorrow!
Lost Soul–Welcome.
if I were to send your post to my best friends they would really think I wrote it!!! I can so very much relate.
Please keep coming back here– the people are wonderful and the love is healing!
Another day! I am learning to welcome the tears and pain – I woke up with more deep grief – I get afraid when I look back – how could I have EVER have been so clueless? NOW I can see so clearly. There is so much anger – maybe rage! I dreamed of him last night. I was on the outside looking in. That gives me hope. I just want to beg my grown children and grandchildren to run like hell. I can’t. I want to protect them from this monster. I feel myself “thawing”. With that comes a return to who I was before I met s on the beach at Waikiki. Why didn’t I bolt and run? He was so smooth. All he did was talk about himself for 2 hours. I am much wiser now. There is a certain radar I didn’t have then.
OXDrover, I can relate to the new feelings that are you. It is kinda like waking up after a long long sleep and wondering where you’ve been. 42 years is most of my life. If I didn’t have faith in God, I couldn’t do this. I get these feelings of unreality that wash over me or stay awhile, and it scares me to feel this sad. Then I try to remember that it is grief, and grief is taking me to a better place. The tears flow. They are healing tears. This too shall pass. I wonder how long the shell shock will last. I can’t sit still any longer, but am so greatful for this site and a place to be with others who are there on the journey – for ALL of you and your encouraging words and honesty and vulnerability. It’s comforting to have a safe place!
Today has been really tough – kind of like having a baby. Once you’re in labor, there’s no going back.I find myself fighting to not remember the good memories (because it hurts), and having intrusive thoughts of times in Redlands, Ca. when we were young and I thought in love. Having all of the years of history together, and realizing when he left 17 years ago, that he moved on as if he were changing clothes or something. I always wondered how he seemingly did that as if it didn’t faze him that we were together for many years. Now I realize it didn’t. And it pisses me off that I invested all of those years grieving something that wasn’t even real. I’m mad at myself and mad at him and just angry. I won’t stay this way for long, as I don’t want to waste any more years, however I do realize anger is part of grief and I only told him this wasn’t working for me 11 days ago. I did alot of grieving these last 17 years we’ve been apart, but I also realized that I needed deprogramming 17 years ago, before I could claim my life as my own. IT may be over, but I’M not, however the way I feel is making me question how I’ll get through this -especially since there are no therapists in this area that have much expertise on this subject. I skimmed Patrick Carnes book BETRAYAL BOND today, journaled, did laundry, took a shower and got dressed. That was about all I could muster. I may need to continue writing more today – am very anxious, but realize this is part of the journey out. Thanks to all of you.