By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Dear Housie,
Go easy on yourself. Tell yourself what you are going through is normal and TO BE EXPECTED…dont fight it in that you should be feeling the way you do, but do fight anything beyond thoughts (ie wanting to contact or see, etc..) you are right it is a process, a journey…go with it, get the pain and anger and tears out (in fact you must in order to heal)… journaling is wonderful, coming to LF is helpful, and getting out for fresh air, a walk around the block, a stop at a new coffee shop, a bath with a great book, or something just for you – that you like to do.
One day at a time…there was a time all i did was throw sweats and tee shirt on to get my kids breakfast and to the bus stop, get back in bed and then meet them at bus stop. Literally no laundry no shower no eating…I was completely depressed in a bad way.
The only one who could help me was myself. Although I did have a girlfriend come over and open up the blinds when she was tired of enabling me and said is that how you want me to remember you — a quitter – someone who let another rob you and your children of your life? She walked with me, listened to me, supported me. I got a membership at the gym, I went to meetup.com and joined a group that enjoys the same hobby as I do. I hiked. I said yes again to friends. Some days a zombie, some days a bit better, and eventually my spirit just lifted again.
Some people that come into our life are not meant to be in it very long or stay for that matter! They are in it to teach us a lesson, and vice versa and then we are to move on to learn and grow and upon new doors for ourselves.
Recycle plastic, not relationships!! Let go, one day at a time. You will get through this – you absolutely will get through this! You have your own personal cheerleader over here to cheer you on and help you through! Continue writing any time of day…somebody is always around to respond…even if not right away…eventually!
Thanks for sharing. A lot of us have been there…I can only tell you it does get better. We havent been in your shoes nor experienced your exact same experience. But we have all experienced a level of needing to “deprogram” ourselves from a toxic situation, or “reprogram” ourselves from our past. Its a process. Its a climb. Its a journey. Be easy and gentle and caring and kind to yourself (especially after youve let off some personal steam)…thats good…just get back to comforting yourself and reassuring yourself that you are on the right path, because you are !
My prayers are with you. ((hugs))
hy guys, i need some clarity as im so hurt and it makes no sense. Earlier this afternoon i was waiting in my cute little red convertible sky with the top down and in my rearview mirror is the s new gf on a harley and he’s in his pickup behind her with some crony as usual. She looked like she had a smirk on her face and all i could think of is she’s trash and i don’t want to be a bike r chick , im the furthest from one but why am i feeling less than. None of this crap makes sense. How did i get so far off the beam, and then on top of things i’ve lost so much weight it frightens me and here he is and im off work all because of this ordeal. It’s so dam unfair that im sick and he’s reapeating everything he did with me now with her. I just can’t make any sense of it all. If he had anything going for him but it’s all so hard to accept. My ex was very attractive, banker , what i really want and yet im made to feel inferior . Im so sick of seeing him everywhere i go in this town an d yet why should i have to move, haven’t i been to hell and back and then to think i have to leave to deal with this. Please can someone explain any of this to me. I have a headache and feel like i’ve been discarded for what , THAT. Sorry to sound so nasty but she’s nothing like me. help> love kindheart ps. im so glad my youngest is coming home on Tuesday from Banff Alberta to take my mind off of this crap. love kh
Housie,
I just finished that book (Betrayal Bond). It is very intense to read, especially if you’re doing the exercises. Be very kind to yourself. That book knocked me for a loop the last few weeks. I know it doesn’t feel very good, but give yourself credit for having the courage to do the work you need to do.
Someone just send me in an email the story of how an eagle can survive to be 70 years old (!). At about 40, the eagle’s beak, talons, and feathers become too feeble to support him. So if he wants to survive, he has to make a very hard decision. He has to rip off his beak, talons and feathers and grow new ones. I’m told it takes about 150 days, and it is painful for him. But after the new talons, beak, and feathers grow in, he can live for another 30 years! In some ways, this is what we are doing too. I found this analogy fitting and thought I’d share it on this site.
Dear Kindheart,
How are you made to feel inferior? I think thats something you need to look within and ask yourself where you go everytime you see him, her or others related to him…
Hope you looked in the mirror with an even bigger smirk on your face or simply turned up the music and fixed the mirror so you wouldnt even have to see the sight of a loser and his biker chick.
What doesnt make sense to you? His story, his same old repetitive story with using women makes sense. Do you mean the way you are reacting to it doesnt make sense? Then change how you react to it.
Why cant you see that you werent discarded… you were one of the lucky ones to be set free?? What can you do to start to see the forrest throught the trees? He is with a loser because he is a loser. He is not with you because you are not a loser. Why cant you see that Iwonder, I wonder what it is, whats going on inside of Kindheart that causes her to take this situation and make it make her feel inferior, discarded and frightened.
Because she needs to be feeling lucky, blessed and given the opportunity to be free of a bad man and get on with her life, and lay wheels and leave dust in their face behind her. He is no good for you girl. You need to get to the point where you wave and go on with a smile!
Cmon Kindheart!! You know you dont want this guy by now! Need a new game plan!!!! xoxo
Kindheart, my dear!
I’m so glad to see you hear, though not as glad to hear of the circumstances today. *hug*
It is just not right that you should have to keep running into this guy and getting triggered all the time. Is there NO way you can move away? Seriously?
If not, breathe. Breathe into your belly and remember this is the lure of the sirens, not the real thing! He promised you an a fairy tale. You are hooked on the fairy tale and his image. If you could see his true self on the outside, he would be ugly as sin. His looks are only skin deep. It only seems like you have lost something valuable. But it’s not real, KH. Just like if my S came slithering back showing me the divorce papers and promising me lasting love, IT WOULDN’T BE REAL! This guy betrayed you over and over again. He is not capable of love and never will be. Sad for him. Good for you because you are free of him. So what if he has a new victim? Imagine what her life must be like! Even if he treats her like a queen, the way he treated you is the truth of who he is.
If you can’t get out of his town, and you are going to run into him from time to time, then you need a plan, girlfriend. You need to have a very strong support system (such as this one, and maybe a real life one) so you can “debrief” after these sightings. You need to imagine him and all of his “cronies” in a swimming pool, and you pull the drain plug and they all go down. Or you are sending them all off into a spaceship where they disappear. You do NOT need to let these sightings throw you off balance. This may have triggered some of your self-esteem issues, but that is about you and not about him. He is a worthless piece of shi* that doesn’t have any place in your life. This is where you need to choose. Are you going to let him ruin your day?
OMG, my spelling and grammar in that last post is shameful. I really wish we had an “edit” function here.
Hey Star… LOL…good to see you…hope you are well…TELL ME ABOUT THE “EDIT” FUNCTION…. I ROTFLMAO when I read some of mine…Just today, I wrote something like this ” and a new door will upon for you”…instead of OPEN….or nobody accept herself can do this…instead of EXCEPT…so for me I dont think its a matter of an Edit key…I think I need SLEEP!!! LOL
Dear learnthelesson:
You are too precious! Thanks so much for spreading the love. One thing I don’t have is any desire to go back. That really IS gone for good. I’ve already spent YEARS going back in my mind to him as a way to cope. When I left the cult, I know what it felt like when it was really over, and this feels the same. The relief is incredible. Doesn’t mean I won’t have to grieve, be angry, depressed, etc. – but go back – not an option! I have compassion for the Bimbo’s in his life, but am too well to want to rescue them. They have their lessons to learn just as I did. I don’t hate them, nor am I jealous, because he is incapable of loving ANYONE but himself. Just means they have some healing to do.What you did remind me of, learnthelesson, is that I need to be gentle with myself and embrace where I am as being exactly where I am supposed to be at this time. Some days I have something to give here, and others must receive. Today is cocooning!
i don’t beleive this, i just went to mcdonalds to try and fatten myself up and coming home went to turn corner and there they were again on their bikes. what the hell is this over and over. All i could think of is i do’t want to ride a bike, i feel like crawling in a hole. kh
hey guys, will there ever come a time when this crap won’t hurt as i’ve just about had enough. I still reeeling from years of the crap i allowed, i just want to forget it all and be happy again. I seriously wish he were dead, it would make my life so much better. I can’t beleive i typed that but htat’s how i feel . God must be putting this in my face for some reason , i just want to forget i ever knew the loser. love kh