By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Hi Kindheart48, I haven’t read your story, nor do I know how long it’s been since you’ve seen/were with your Ex.
Healing is not a quick fix. It’s a process that takes a while, but, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to go through the pain, the longer for your EX, staying No Contact … as you heal yourself.
Best quick fixes that worked for me was: Long bubble baths or soaking in the hot tub. It’s not a big luxury, but it was for me. It gave me time spend on me. Just me. Not focusing on my EX or anyone else. The other quick fixes were listening to music. What ever kind of music you like … but stay away from love songs for a while because that will put you in a tailspin thinking about your EX.
What you need to do is focus on who you are again. What do you like, what do you not like, what do you want to try that you’ve never tried before … plus, getting yourself out there and doing the things you always loved to do … except, appreciating the fact that this time you are doing it solo.
Now is the time to focus on getting to know yourself again.
When you waffle and obsess about your EX. It’s normal. We all go through that. But, you’ve got to focus stopping the obsessing and focus on what you want in your life.
I also hike with my dog and get fresh air, sunshine and exercise do to the walking.
I hope this helps for a start.
Hang in there. Just know that we are all in this together. Anytime you want to blog and chat, whoever is on line will gladly write you back. No matter what the issues.
Peace to your heart and soul as you heal.
I meant to say the longing … not longer.
Sorry for the mistake.
thanks everyone, i just feel like im always left behind. Think when my ex husband and i separated, i didn’t get to know myself at all as the s came into the picture. I just hate having this thrown in my face left anfd right i’ve taken so much abuse for so long 6 years . I’ve got to try and put on weight as for some reason after the traum a program i just lost my appetite, last time i had no contact nearly did me in. I’ve got to let go of all that i invested in this piece of crap and trust me i invested a lot but it went right down the drain. I really wish he were dead but i’m the one who isn’t fit to even date, not interested. I’ve had men interested in me all along but i wouldn’t let them in and i compare to my ex husband and none measure up. I lost a good guy and then to boot i had this one torture me for 6 years so i don’t know if i’ll ever trust again. Want to go back to the farm where i grew up and starat all over again before my innocence was destroyed. This is a lesson i woullnd’t wish on my worst enemy. Thanks to all of you for the support. love kh
kindheart48, our EXs have ulterior motives for being involved with us (aka sins that blind them). Most of them have the sin of GREED (like my EX) … and then the sin of LUST (never being faithful and jumping from one relationship to the other). What ever their problem is … it’s their problem that crashed and burned our lives.
Just goes to show, you never know what cross people are baring.
That’s why no matter how difficult it is to pick up the pieces and rebuild your life, at least you are free from the craziness and can start to focus on a future. A future that is good and beautiful because it’s what we want for ourselves.
You will waffle back and forth hating him and longing for him. That’s natural. We all go through that … it’s sort of like the DTs when getting off the addiction of a drug or drinking. Our relationships became addictive … because we were comfortable in the Bubble of illusion they represented.
Now that the Bubble has burst … it’s time we get to know ourselves again.
What I did was draw a line down a piece of paper (plus extra papers after the first one). On the Left side of the line was the column of what I liked about people. The other side (right column) was what I didn’t like and won’t accept in people’s behaviors.
After I got started on that … I started adding everyone I knew, family, friends, co-workers … what did I like about their personalities and what I didn’t like.
What this does is take your thoughts from your subconscious and brings it out to the conscious level so you are now aware of what you like and do not like about others.
These are just starters.
Peace.
Kindheart,
ANYONE or ANYTHING becomes an unhealthy addiction if obsessing over it prevents you from getting to know yourself. I actually quit the internet for a few weeks (yes, I did) because it was becoming addictive for me. You have a “self” that is not about him or us or anyone else in your life–just you and who you are, what you feel, and what you want in your life. You have noticed that every time you see your ex, you start obsessing. The thoughts stir up feelings and self-judgment/self-hatred. Take note that this is happening and avoid it at all costs. If you absolutely cannot switch towns or shop at different places or take alternate routes, then you have to disconnect mentally from all of this. You have to have a “script” to say to yourself when you see him. For instance, “There’s my ex. He is past history. What he is doing is none of my business. What I want in my life is…….” You get my drift. You have to be very mentally strong to deal with sightings. Personally, I’d move.
Once your feelings for him get stirred up, you have choices of how to deal with them. You can actually pray for God to remove the toxic thoughts and feelings. It actually does work when all else fails. It works, even if you don’t believe in God.
You can also focus on the self-esteem issues that came up and ask yourself why you don’t feel good enough, etc. This makes the focus about you and not him. This is ultimately about you. The more you can focus on what YOU want out of life, the less he will bother you. The universe will organize to give you what you ask for. If you ask for good things, you will not get sociopaths because they are not good for you. If you could find one thing you want, it will help. Even if that one thing is to just have peace in your life, that will work. If you pray for peace and release, you will get it. The things that prevent you from having peace (whether they be inside of you or out in the world) will fall away. This requires some mental strength and for you to break old habits. Even though he hurt you, there is a certainly kind of comfort it gives to give in to the obsessing about him…the if only’s and what if’s…..it is familiar. It allows you to daydream and escape your reality, which is confusing and uncertain. But reality is where you can make real changes and find real peace.
Kindheart 48,
You are lifted up in prayer! So many people care about you, and are here to companion you on your journey. I am greatful s lives 130 miles away from me, however we do have two children together and our son looks just like the s and has many of the same mannerisms, however he DOES have a conscience. I am having to relate to my children in a new way – a way thaty doesn’t emotionally or physically include s. He “ain’t MY s – just “the” s! I, too, am finding it difficult to know who I am apart from him. I met him when I was 19 and am now 61. I DO know how to do things alone, like go to a movie I like and go to Starbucks or to dinner. I like Barnes & Nobles and thrifting and journaling and my 12 step program and decorating. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel lonely sometimes when I do these things, but it gets easier the more I step out of my comfort zone. It has helped me to know that the s, although he had numerous affairs, was incapable of loving any of them. Somehow, it helped me not to feel so left out or rejected. Some days a minute feels like an hour, and yesterday was normal, so I never know how grief will visit or when. I hope you are encouraged that you are so loved by people who want you to suceed in becoming the best you possible. Good for you to keep in touch as often as necessary. You are doing this for you! Blessings….
Hi StarG, good post.
And Kindheart … none of this is your fault. We feel in love with people who are blinded by whatever their obsession(s) is/are.
That’s why everyone is going to tell you to focus on yourself right now. Pamper yourself. Paint your bedroom, wall paper your living room or kitchen or sew an outfit for yourself. Whatever it is, painting, art work, music, singing, dance, sports … whatever, do it for yourself. This is the time to take those lemons thrown in your life and make lemonade. The best way to start, is to pamper yourself. Get to know who you are again, now today … learn what interests you again. It will feel awkward at first due to the pain and depression … but little by little the cloud will lift. I promise … we all promise. We can tell you this and promise it to you, because we were exactly where you are today.
Be good to yourself. If you have a dog or a cat or any other pet, pay attention to them and they will give you unconditional love back.
Peace.
hey guys, thanks so much for all the support and im a little more grounded and seeing somewhat clearer. Rejection , hurt all those nasty emotions came flooding at me when i saw them, almost as if i must have done something to deserve it but i know i haven’t . He made his choice and he needs to stay out of my life completely. Now that im over the worst of it today , i ca n look back and reflect. If i were a stranger and i had the choice to be some trash on a harley or driving a cute red saturn sky, i ‘d take the car any day of the week. Im not his type and never was but i sur e tried to contort myself into what he wanted or what he wanted for that moment as it never stayed consisitent as we all know. Thanks to all of you for reinforcing the fact that i need to find out what i like as one of you mentioned i can’t see the forest for the trees when i’m smack in the middle of looking at the scene of the accident again(diff women) i just go into feeling inferior and when im out of the forest as i am now i can see that i have absolutely nothing to be envious of. I have so much to be grateful for but the trauma and ptsd that sets in when im triggered really knocks the socks off of me. I don’t need his approval for anything, i have great taste and style all of my own. Im going to try my best to do the potted plant stance next time. You know both the women he was involved with prior to me going back 10 years are both embarassed and want no association to him at all so im sure in time i will get there too. Im going to try and concentrate on eating better and taking better care of myself as the weight loss has kind of scared me(tried on shorts fr last year and they literally fell off) down to a size 0 and i know it’s not attractive to be so thin but i really did lose my appetite over the last time i broke the no contact and it really took the lifeblood out of me, the lies and trying to keep his new source and myself at the same time. She can keep her smug grin as im sure it won’t be long and he’ll have her flailing too. I so want to be there for my own sons , once of which is coming home for a month from the west so that will keep me busy . I really want to get back to work as well as i have too much time on my hand to obsess. When i think back to when i was married and didn’t know all these freaks , life was sure normal and im sure i will get that back again. Thanks again to all of you Star,Wini, Housie, and Learn. It’s very comforting to know im not alone on this journey and that it will get better in time. love kindheart xxx00000
kindheart48, you sound like you are almost through the trauma portion. That’s the trickiest part of the healing process … the trauma. No one ever expects it and it takes us off guard … how can this person we loved to our very core even think about doing what they do (to us, or anyone).
I always have to remember that they are blinded. Blinded in what they do to anyone because their focus is on something else, not on having a loving caring relationship … with us or anyone. In reality, we are just stepping stones for them to get where they want to go, accomplish what they want to accomplish. I don’t take it personally, which is strange because it does happened to us. Just because I know they are blinded. I believe it’s sin that blinds them … and I don’t mean to insult anyone who does have my faith. But, I believe the Bible is the first history of psychology. I see so many similarities in the Bible versus all the psychology books out there.
Anyway, back to the shock of the trauma. It’s such a major shock to our system and that’s the first hurdle any of us has to get over. It’s just so overwhelming. I don’t think there is anything else (besides the death of a loved one) that even comes close to this type of trauma.
You sound like you are getting your bearings. That’s a good thing.
Remember, don’t go hard on yourself when you find yourself waffling … aka missing what you thought you had in a friend, lover, confident etc. I had to put this issue on the backburner, sort to speak so that I could focus on what I needed to get myself pulled together. I knew I had to deal with that part of the emotional death of the relationship … but, knowing we are all blindsided with the break up in the first place … I had to decide to deal with that part of emotions in the future. You don’t know anything about my situation, but in a nutshell, I was going through a serious issue with my bosses who also were like my EX. It’s just I knew I was dealing with anti-socials with my bosses (working there for 24+ years) and seeing what they were over the years. Never did I realize my EX was the same breed (sorry for the terminology here). I really didn’t. I thought he was this very put together, kind, loving guy. I never saw the mask come off until months after he was gone (for the last time, he said it was a business trip).
So, having to deal with the trauma of my bosses … and of course, all the other bosses (they join ranks to get you to buckle under so they can win over you … plus, personnel, the union etc). Anyway. It was a mess, to say the least.
So, hang in there. It will be small steps. Step by step you get through the trauma … and step by step you start enjoying who the you is today. The older, wiser, more experienced person just living your life … then the light at the end of the tunnel … loving and enjoying life again.
Peace to your heart and soul.
Went to the mailbox. The s sent me a letter – no return address. He told our son he was sending me money. The reason for no return address is so I won’t contact him where he is living with another woman and he doesn’t want her to know about me. I’m not as uninformed as I was two weeks ago. I opened the envelope, took out the $ – proud of me Matt?- and threw the letter away without even glancing at it!! What I WANTED to do was write back (he doesn’t know I already have his address), and tell him I didn’t read the letter, but thanks for the $. Someday I will no longer want revenge, but for now it is a healthy response. It just feels such a RELIEF to be on the other side and on the outside looking in.