By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Dear guys,
I’m glad you like this analogy—as those of you who “know me” know I think in analogies most of the time.
The NEW LIFE in me is not the same as the old one either. I admit that I had been pretty unprotecting and nurturing of the OLD ME, because I had never learned, until now, that I needed to “parent” her with nurturing and love and protect her. I spent all my time and effort protecting OTHERS and not myself. Now I am being kind of my NEW LIFE and protecting and nurturing HER above all others.
My NEW LIFE is still a “toddler” now, but she is walking and talking some now, and though she still needs me to teach her some things, she is GROWING every day. Just as I really enjoyed seeing my young children growing, stretching new challenges, and accomplishing things, I am also enjoying this NEW LIFE within me, and enjoy seeing her expand her universe to new things. Sure, she falls down once in a while and skins her knee or gets a “boo boo” but I am there to comfort her, put a psychic “band aid” on it and send her out to learn new things again. She is learning to TRUST ME to look out for her and I am careful to see that she doesn’t “run out into traffic” and get hurt badly in her exploring her world.
Too bad I can’t write coherently. In the above incident at the beach, I meant, that It felt dam good to throw that guy off the beach. I don’t know if I imagine it or not, but it seems like sometimes I can just zero in on a meanie now. Mean is not ever ok again.
Great article OxD –
I’ve been off for a week reading “Without Conscience” and now “Women who Love Psychopaths”, but I still get sad a lot. In spite of everything I miss his calls, his texts, and feel bad that when he finally came to see me I turned him away. Even though my smart self knows that he was only here to take from me, not to love me.
Your article helped a lot. It’s like you said, a little baby crying out for contact with the P and I have to calm her down and comfort her and show her that we’re better off alone. Hard but doing it.
Thank you.
hey guys, blogging on tonight as im feeling very heartsick. Went to a funeral for a cousin today and feeling pretty melancholy but i know it’s grief, missing the s and what i wanted him to be. This just sucks so much. What a price i have paid for all this i still can’t beleive it, off work, trauma program, therapy her e , therapy there, it’s been like one long nightmare that never seems to end. Im trying very hard to just sit and feel the pain, grief, whatever this yucky feeling is so i can get beyond it as i’ve sacrificed so much i deserve to be happy but it just isn’t coming fast enough. Wish i would have gotten out when i felt apprehensive 6months in and 5 and a half years ago. So much stress and aggravation for what? I keep wanting to move but know that isn’t the answer , looking for a quick fix to such wasted energy. No retribution. I hope this is just grief and i hope it passes as i feel so low and like im a tiny speck that has been forever changed, damaged badly. I want so much to be happy but i don’t know how to change it. love kindheart
OxDrover: I’m trying, but I feel that I am in the infant stage! I think this is worse than childbirth, I’m trying to make a whole new me and I don’t know how, but your article really helps! Thank you very much.
kindheart: I am feeling heartsick also, I’m trying hard to think good thoughts about myself, that I am ok, that this will pass. I feel like the article Oxy wrote above… and I feel like I am kicking and screaming through the entire ordeal! I have to change, or maybe I already changed and that is the New Life. I’m hanging in there with you!
shabby, this sucks big time. I hate to give him any more energy for free but i have no choice at this point or at least i don’t think i do. Have to go through it. I keep thinking i must have done something to deserve this but don’t know what. Do any of you feel that way. karma thing maybe but i’ve given so much it still doesn’t seem fair at all. I can’t wait to have it all behind me for good. love kindheart.
kindheart: I soooooooooo wanted everything to work out with this guy, when I realized I was acting crazy and he was using me… well the disappointment was overwhelming. I can’t wait to have it all behind me too!! I can’t wait until I feel good being alone!
Thanks Jim and Bin-a-year…as a “newbee” I’ve been reading everyone’s posts and it’s amazing to me to realize how many people have had such similar painful stories….what still bewilders me the most is the unbelivable stealthy seductive power S/N have to ruthlessly manipulate and destroy good hearted and well meaning people over and over again and How much we suffer as a result.
My recovery story is similar…good days, miserable days and days where I just want to jump off a bridge. I yearn contact as a relief to the stress, but I force myself to do kind things for myself to get out of the funk. Keep a journal, go do some physical activity this really relieves the stress, go outside and feel the fresh air, treat yourself good, pamper your self, do the things you used to enjoy doing for your S for yourself instead. I know how hard it is to do, but making the effort feels better. This is taking those baby steps into a new life.
Kindheart, I just wanted to say I am sorry about your cousin. And I also wanted to tell you that although you feel progress is slow, you actually sound much stronger to me than you did a coupla weeks ago. I’ve been pulling for you to stay in no contact with not only the ex but the other problematic people you were dealing with and from your posts it seems like you are getting much better at that. So that is a really big improvement and step in your recovery too that you are doing. So just keep on keeping on and gradually things will improve in your life. –Jen