By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
UPDATE: I hope everyone will read this, including Matt, Oxy, and Wini, and everyone else who has been following my story from the beginning.
The S has been brought to justice. I don’t know the details, but I got a letter from the senate’s office today. I had asked them to investigate the S’s army investigation on adultery and fraud. The army was last known to be investigating, using me and my friends as witnesses. They never let me know what happened and stopped replying to my emails. So I asked the senator’s office to investigate, on the recommendation of some folks here.
Today they forwarded me a letter from the army saying that the S was charged under the UCMJ (whatever that is) and was “appropriately punished.” He was also issued a no-contact order with me. I don’t know any more details. It could have been nothing more than a slap on the wrist. But at least he was charged and punished.
For the newcomers, my S seduced me with the guise of a divorce pending (which was a lie), then discarded me very abruptly after nearly proposing one night and telling me his divorce got filed. (All lies). His multiple lies added up, and I finally figured it out and went NC, with support of this site back in July.
I turned him into the army for adultery in August. At that point, the army captain told me they suspected he was faking medical symptoms to get out of the army with a lifetime pension. Four of my friends and I all gave sworn statements that he had no medical conditions. We won. Towanda, everybody!!! Sometimes there IS justice.
Thanks to all the great people here who helped me get through this and who suggested I write the senator’s office. I finally got an answer and it’s finally over.
The last hurdle is that Tuesday is the S’s birthday. It’s possible someone could start a birthday thread for him on the reptile site where I met him and bring him back onto the forum. My friends are ready and waiting to expose him if he comes back. Now that we know the outcome, we can expose him more easily.
sabrina:
S demolished me. But, even after I drove him out of my life, I never had a chance to regroup, because I knew my head was on the chopping block at work. Then, after I got the axe, I spent the next few weeks in “survival mode” — getting a new computer, filing for unemployment, getting a new mobile phone, etc, etc.
And then — It was a little over a month after I lost my job that the wheels came off my wagon — I herniated 3 disks in my back, no energy, constant bone, joing and muscle aching. The whole 9 yards.
My doctor and my therapist told me that prolonged stress can do a real number on you physically. The signs all show up after the stress is over — because you are in “fight or flight” mode.
At the moment I can’t seem to get myself motivated. I go online and do a desultory job search (there are none) and seem so disengaged from everything and so unmotivated.
I started to get all bent about the job search etc when my shrink told me “I thought we agreed you were going to take it easy for awhile and give yourself a chance to recover from work and S? The effects of prolonged stress don’t go away overnight.”
So, at the moment I’m sleeping when I want to (get melatonin at your health food store, helps with the sleep), trying to eat right, and hell or high water am going to drag myself to the gym in 10 minutes. Like you, I miss the old me who had all that energy.
Stargazer:
Another win for the good guys!!!
The UCMJ is the (I believe) Uniform Code of Military Justice (correct me if I’ve got this wrong, Elizabeth Conley).
Thank you, Matt. I could not have done this without your help. I feel like this is a win for all of us. I hope it can give some people hope that sometimes the justice system DOES see through a sociopath.
My friends and I on the reptile site are figuring out the best way to expose this guy on the reptile site now, or if we want to. The best part is I don’t even have to be involved with it. Just sit back and watch. I think some of his internet supporters will be flabberghasted to find out what he did. Some of them are military people.
Congrats, Stargazer!
I was looking into something else and turned up some new federal protective order that can be obtained against against “Anti-Social Behaviour” in federal courts that carries a 5 year term.
Breach of an Anti-Social Behaviour Order
Crime and Disorder Act 1998 (section 1(10))
Maximum Penalty: 5 years imprisonment
Note: A conditional discharge is not available as a sentence for this offence
Having a bad day here, should be working, but for some reason it’s eating at me again. Not feeling bad about what I did, just (I know this is nuts), missing him! Trying to put it in perspective, you gals (and Matt of course) help so much.
Good news is I’m paying a friend back a several thou loan that the S pushed me to take. Never could have done it if I had not given him the boot. She’s a wonderful gal, I’m so glad I can do it and only 1 month after promised date. Been wanting to read the blog about how to deal with the people we hurt on behalf of the S, but was afraid. I felt so bad about it.
Thought there was a large check coming, and he assured me he could make it back — gambling! When I look back, the stuff I believed from him amazes me. My judgment was suspended.
Wanted to get Betrayal Bond but my card bounced. It’s still happening, but I’m gradually catching up.
I’m glad it’s coming together for you, usedabused. I’m sure your friends will forgive you if you ask sincerely. I hope they do. I know we talk about how charming and convincing S’s are. But sometimes they are transparent to other people. The army figured him out before I did. We just joined forces to double the charges.
Every close friend I had warned me about him for years! Not that he was an S, but that he was using me, thought I was stupid. Sometimes I would end it but he would get me back with something about “you wouldn’t feel the way you do if you really believed that.”
Had another, interim, while he was with Jane, who had got over on a governmental agency. He never really got to me emotionally. I think his similarity to the other is what attracted me.
Congrats again on busting him!
I have the same question as Sabrina….I dont know if this is normal or not..I have been felling good…trying to get back to whatever a normal life would be..trying not to isolate like I have for the last 3 yrs….and Now im sooo tired…no motivation.want to sleep all the time..I have been on zoloft for about 2 months….I started having anxiety again today….someone told me about lexipro????? I know I will be in for a battle soon with court re; support and custody and I think its the calm before the storm….i know I have to be prepared and I dont like how I am feeling….please help..insight..advice?????
Stargazer:
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah…..good for you…..I LOVE IT!!!!
Endthepain:
I’m not a Dr. But….I would suggest having your thyroid checked. Get the complete blood panel on thyroid. Also Vit D. levels.
Stress causes adrenal fatigue which screws up the thyroid function. Vitamin D deficincies cause ‘down’ feelings among other things.
A lot of endocrinologists are now testing for Vit D. regularly.
A lot of thyroid issues are mis-diagnosed as depression.
I wouldn’t discount those issues.
Matt:
“My doctor and my therapist told me that prolonged stress can do a real number on you physically. The signs all show up after the stress is over because you are in “fight or flight” mode. ”
I so believe that! The first time I booted the S….we had a fantastic month….fabulous….Then, when I let go I crashed 1 month after he left…. I had 2 strokes and a dissected Carotid artery and a herniated disk….CrASHED AND almost BURNED. S found out and came home to ‘help’ or ‘hold me hostage in hell’. Several months later I joined the ‘C’ club. Yeah…..I so believe it. We do need to take care of ourselves. I don’t know how I could have escaped my health issues, I held my breath for almost 30 years.
I hope your doing better with your pain MATT…take a break dude, you earned it.
GO GET EM LF GANG!
Usedabused, I remember the “hooking in” process my S used and he said very similar things. When I started to doubt him and tell him I need a break, he would give me this intense look and say, “Tell me you don’t love me. Tell me you don’t want me.” He said this to me the NIGHT BEFORE THE DISCARD! It worked. He really had me. I was swept up thinking about him all the next day………….till his no-call, no-show. It still boggles my mind to think about it.