By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
I also want to say that I was very very fortunate that when I turned him in to the army, they issues a no-contact order with me for him. I’m so grateful because if he had contacted me along the way telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he is (and giving me some plausible excuse for his behaviors) I might have caved. He had me that good. Now there is no choice. If he contacts me, he will go to prison, if he’s not there already.
Stargazer:
“If he contacts me, he will go to prison, if he’s not there already.” You (and the world) should be so lucky. 🙂
He might come under that guideline I found on breaking an anti-social behavior order.
Mine tried it too the night I booted him. Sent me “you are so wrong about us” “I’m sick” messages. Without my friend, I would definitely have caved. And might have even caved if he had called 3 days later. Never did.
But mine’s behavior cannot be excused. I told him I’d learned somethings that were terrible, alluded to one. The other was he had faked being sick to avoid sex. That’s what hurt the most. And it was documented. If he reads this I’m done, I’ve just ID’d both me and Jane, but oh well. Had to vent. I was already very, very suspicious, but that’s what made me really not want to see him again.
Then. 2 days later it was another story.
When he said he was sick, I offered to scrap the visit altogether but he said maybe he’d get better. Truth was, he had a debt that needed paying and he might not have gotten it if I hadn’t been there.
Matt, thanks for sharing your experience. It makes sense that we didn’t have time for a break down before, now our bodies are forcing us to take a major time out. Frustrating as it is!
I am so sorry to hear about your herniated discs. How are you feeling now? Is surgery possible with 3 ? I had replacement surgery for 2 cervical disc 2 yrs. ago. Now I am 99% pain free (a miracle) and surgery went extremely well considering my extreme pain levels and damage beforehand making surgery mandatory.
I did alittle better today, made dinner, did some yoga at home, sat on my newly furnished deck tonight. Still not relishing leaving the house tomorrow. I have court w x N/P for harrassing communications from breaking PFA order.
After 3 guilty charges, this is the 4th coming up- he never spent one night in jail for any of these incidents. He had at least 3 priors, all misdeamenors from past in addition to these current ones. At least with his prior charges (before me) we found he spent 30 days in jail from breaking into his first x wifes home and stold property. Whatta LOSER.
Curtain Rods – Priceless
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a very nice bottle of wine.
When she finished, she went into each and every room in the house and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife could have no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home …
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU?
Wini:
Love it. Speaking from personal experience, I also recommend dropping a half-eaten shrimp or two into your enemy’s hubcaps. No matter how fast he drives, he can’t escape that smell!
usedabused:
My S used to send the “I’m sick” and “I’m so tired” messages — every time he knew I had about reached my limit with his antics. By the end, the only message I wanted to get was “He’s dead.”
sabrina:
My neurologist is still taking the “no surgery” route for my disks saying that’s a last resort. Also, apparently the Europeans have devised a replacement disk that is much better than the American version, but the FDA hasn’t approved it yet, so he wants me to wait.
As for your ex-S — mine two had a record. Now I sit here in the clear light of day and ask myself “how the hell could you not only get involved with an ex-con, but actually make excuses for why he got arrested?” Amazing.
Matt – I made excuses for my xs behavior – I even tried to convince his mother she was wrong when she told me he was a Booger…yep his own mother warned me and I didn’t listen.. and Matt I find other gay men to be totally unsympathetic about this – there reply “well you were getting laid on a regular basis werent you?’ i think we are a rare kind of homo…..
henry:
I made every excuse in the book. Now when I look at him all I can think is that the best he can hope for is “aging down” — with the concomittant decline in sociopathic behavior. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make him any less a sociopath.
As for the lack of sympathy, I find that some of my worst detractors in this have been gay and straight. Ditto my best supporters. Know what really sticks in my craw? That I put up with all that crap from S and I was NOT getting laid on a regular basis!!!
Love the curtain rod story!!!!! Thanks for sharing that!!!
I heard of a story of a woman who’s cheating ex husband was a complete slob. She would drop the kids off on Friday afternoons and offer to clean his bathroom, because he didn’t have a housekeeper and she wanted her kids using a sanitary facility. After a few cleanings, he was so impressed with how clean she got the bathroom. He said he never remembered her being this clean when they were married. He commented on the grungey floor grout that she had made sparkle, and she even cleaned the sides of the toilet and the corners of the shower stall. He offered to pay her for her time as she needed extra money. He thought this was a great arrangement……. little did he know she always cleaned the bathroom using his toothbrush and always finished the job ‘running the toothbrush under the rim’, then replace the toothbrush back in it’s holder.
I cracked up at this story! I think we all get a little pleasure in thinking about ‘getting one over’ on the betrayer. They have caused so much pain and suffering.
Today I feel shell shock and trauma. Saw a counselor yesterday who has NO clue about sociopaths. Have called other therapists, but because I am on permanent disability and low income, can’t receive help. I am so greatful for all of you, who are probably the BEST counselors. It is as if I can’t look back at too much at once or it will bite me. I can only absorb a little at a time – but I keep having these “THAT’S why he did this or said this or was so vague when asked questions. I know when I quit being angry at MYSELF for being so stupid and start realizing that evil was done to ME, that I will know I am making progress, What I need to do today is to start listing events that happened during our time together. That will help me validate that what happened to me did indeed happen.
I was pg when I married him. He said to me, “At least THAT much will be decided for me”. He gave me a wedding ring he bought on the ship (Navy) from the guy’s old girlfriend. He had his MOTHER buy me a wedding gift. He used my money before marriage for transportation, lodging, food – never offered to help. He spent the entire 2 hours after we met talking about himself – asked me if I was a virgin!! He wrote me letters from VietNam telling me what a wonderful family he had – mother is a Narcissist, sister mentally ill and alcoholic, father an alcoholic. He told me how he read “a little from the Good Book” every day. He called and told me he was going to be in Seattle and asked me to meet him there in killer weather (horrible snow storm on the pass to get there) – no offer of $ for gas or anything. When I got there he wasn’t there. He didn’t even bother to call and tell me. I had to buy everything for the wedding – hotel, meals, gas, flowers. He flew to where I live and brought me back to California in a U-Haul I payed for. It took us three days to get there and he only had $5. All of my $ was used up so we starved. When we got to California, he didn’t tell me “our” car had been repossessed. I found out when his mother picked him up for work the next day. By the way, SHE , for a “Wedding “present, rented a furnished apartment for us, and she made the beds, stocked the refrigerator, etc. When I walked in, it looked like someone else lived there. On the coffee table was a Bible and some magazines from the Worldwide Church of God (the cult I joined with her and was a member of for 16 years). In the Bible was a piece of paper sticking out, and when I pulled it out and read it, it had a scripture on Fornication (didn’t even know what that was and had to look it up in the dictionary). I lost the baby (miscarriage) and she told me that when we sin we have to pay the penalty. Looking back, I was so vulnerable at this time in my life (I was in transition from home to being on my own and was scared and ill-prepared to meet the world. I realize I put myself in a position to be hurt now). Anyway, I jumped from the frying pan into the fire, and joined the cult and then had not only the s in my life, but his n mother who pulled me into her own cult by love-bombing me. I always felt that I was more connected to s’s mother than him. This is the saga of stories told of Jonestown. I would have drunk the Kool-Aid. In fact, when I exited the WCG, I was in recovery in Oregon with a few people that had escaped Jonestown, as well as Moonies, etc. Brainwashing is so subtle and frightening. We moved 30 times in 20 years of marriage. In 1977 I had a Major Depressive Episode and lost 100 #’s in 6 months. Because we were in the cult, I was not allowed to go to doctors. I was suffering from Agoraphobia, clinical depression and anxiety off the charts. I didn’t sleep for months at a time – every night when the family went to bed, I would get the Bible and my blanket and go to the couch where I would get the book of Job and read it til dawn. When I got on my knees to pray, which was often, I would fall asleep with my head on the bed for brief moments. I was heavily into religious addiction and the cult mindset. Our 2 children (then 2 and 4) were deprived of BOTH of their parents, as I was fighting for my life and was not emotionally available for them and the s was having an affair. We lost our home and the kids and I moved in with s’s parents while he moved in with his affair. All of this insanity is almost too much to even write about, and SO far from where I am today, but I think it helps, and will help me to lay this to rest. We got back together (every affair thought they were the only one), and he moved us to another state. Things were better for a short time; he kept the same job for 4 years, and that period of time was the most stable. Unbeknownst to me, he had another affair with a woman 10 years his senior for 2 years. He got her into the cult as well. He would bring her to our home to “help” us do our income tax, and even brought her home one time because “her blood sugar dropped”. When she would give him gifts, he would bring them home to me and tell me they were from him. I used to think that that was strange, as they weren’t even his taste. He told me after he married me that he had slept with over 200 women. Because he is such a liar, I don’t know if this is true, but I wouldn’t doubt it. When he gave me 2 STD’s (after I returned from the Dr. and told him), he said “You could have gotten them from someone before we were married and just didn’t and were lucky”). He never displayed any remorse. When I was in labor with our daughter he took me to the hospital and refused to drop me off at the front door. I was in so much pain I didn’t think I could make it by walking from the parking lot – well, I did. He went in to watch tv rather than stay with me. I had my (it’s hard to say “our”), son at home, and when he was born, the s took him from my arms and acted like he had the prize – that he had the “goods”, with no thought of me, as if he were finished with me. I felt like a baby machine. He gave the same poetry he wrote (and it sounded so deep), to at least 3 women I know of, and they all thought they were the only one. When we were divorced, he was to pay the bills as part of the divorce settlement. He never paid a penny. He used women until they ran out of resources, and then left them. One woman in Texas he left while she was at work. She gave him all of her money instead of paying her bills. His 2nd wife he met at a single’s group at church in Arizona. She had MS, and he married her and took all of her retirement (she was a school teacher), used her for new cars and homes, and when he was through with her, dumped her out at a facility in Arizona and left her. She divorced him. He made connections with a doctor on the Washington Coast and conned him into letting him stay in his beach home for the summer. He has lots of friends who haven’t a clue. He just got a job at the VA hospital, :helping” homeless vets, but has decided after a month that he would rather work with “my PTSD guys”. He has guys new in recovery in AA call him, as he is the guru of AA in his area and isn’t an alcoholic. He sexually abused young children, and sexually abused me for years by withholding sex and using power. He belittled me when I painted and decorated a chair (by then my self-esteem was so shattered I believed him that I had done a horrible job and was a piece of shit). He told me when he left the kids and I that I would die old, broke and lonely. He left the kids and I without food, money or a car when he decided to go to Redlands, Ca. to “get away”. He never worked, but mooched for handouts most of the time we were married. HE dragged the kids and I all over the country, moving the kids from school to school and family to family – whoever would take us in. While we were in the cult, one time I was disfellowshipped for “sowing discord among the brethren” (I told someone the truth about some of the happenings going on inside). When the elders came to “disfellowship” us, s told them he would stay home with me to support me when the real truth was that he was only interested in his own agenda. He told our daughter private issues that would only hurt her at her expense to get back at me – for what, I haven’t a clue. I told him I wanted a wedding ring of my own that hadn’t belonged to someone else, so at one of our annual church holidays he bought me a ring. When he got home, I was in bed with a migraine ( I had many of them), so he threw the ring in the box on the bed. I found out he was having an affair, and the day before a picture was taken of us, and he was cuddled up to me as if I was the greatest thing that happened to him. He used the kids and I as a cover for his private sinister life. Right after he left us, he had to meet me at my doctor (we were out of the cult by this time), to give me half of the income tax check. He drove up in his latest Bimbo’s new red pick-up with her in the truck. Our daughter was with me and he knew it and didn’t care that she would see him and how hurt she would be. He kept $12 that was supposed to be mine – I had kids to feed. He paid not one penny of child support. While married, he told me he was in night classes and was really with another affair. He mooched off of churches, telling them a sob story about his hard times. After he left me, our son was in the hospital with Scarlet Fever. I asked him to go see him, and he went begrudgingly. One time he went into a RAGE when I picked him up at school 10 minutes late. He called me a whore. I was at a meeting that lasted a few minutes late. HE HATED me keeping the car or me doing anything on my own. POWER. His rages could come any time he had an agenda that sometimes I really didn’t know about, and he would call me unrepeatable names. One time I drove 50 miles to surprise him on one of his overnight business trips. When I got there he went into another one of his rages because I later found out that he had the night planned with one of his affairs. Weeks before he left me, he separated his belongings from mine, our pictures, etc. He went to several churches looking for someone to tell him it was ok to leave me. So many pastors tried to help him and us. He just got angry until he found a Catholic priest that told him that being married for as long as he was to me was just like having an old sweater that is comfortable, but doesn’t mean that it is still useful. That was all he needed to make his bird. He raged because he didn’t think I did his laundry right. We had a dream of moving to Walla-Walla, Wa. and getting matching Adirondack chairs. He moved to W2 with his second wife and got Adirondack chairs. There was no feeling or sentimentality in anything he did. Ted Bundy worked on a hotline next to Ann Rule helping people – Richard worked on a hotline. Hitler liked Wagner – so too Richard. When I was in graduate school, he ran into me in a convenience store. I didn’t see him until I heard a voice say, “What are YOU doing here? I dumbly said, Going to school”. He said, “I guess I’ll just have to take your word for it. That’s kind of expensive, isn’t it?” On his way out the door he was scoping out a redhead with a child in a stroller. He was still married to wife #2. Has high need for praise – from anyone. He lived with his aunt – mooched off of her until there was nothing left. She was an elderly lady. He tried to have demons exorcised from me when we were newly married by cult leaders. His mother was helping him, because I was the one with problems. I always felt he was bi-sexual. He had a relationship with a young boy when we lived in Ca. He told me one of his AA buddies who “liked” little girls was like a sister to him, and that he brought him homemade soup and biscuits. Told a woman in Redlands he was going to marry her while he was married to me. He had numerous women going at the same time. He hit me in the mouth when we lived in Oregon and I was still in bed from having a baby. Then he feigned a heart attack to get the attention off of me. HE once told me through all of this, “I suppose I should make amends to you for having expectations of you that you couldn’t meet”. He treated his things better than people – seemed to have more feelings for his cat. While we lived with people, he never offered to mow a lawn or help in any way. I overcompensated by trying to do everything. When our granddaughter was born, my son-in-law asked the s if he wanted to talk to me on the phone. I asked him to describe her to me, and I could tell I was speaking a different language, He was free of internal restraints – never thought he needed help. He told me he was going to be a banker, go on a fishing boat and own a llama farm all in the same phone conversation. He picked up hitchhikers released from prison when he had the children and I in the car. He went to tune the radio in the car and ran off of the road with me and the kids in the car. He didn’t think he did anything wrong. He went to Fuller Theological Seminary for a week and dropped out – same with other colleges. He put on a presentation on destructive cults with the leading forensic psychologist in the area. Well, you get the idea. It feels so good to just write nonstop. Today has been the hardest yet.