By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Curtain rods and tooth brushes! Yes, two of my FAVORITE stories! I have a CERTIFIED TRUE one, but I can’t tell it, unfortunately, cause you guys would probably steal my skillet and BOINK me! (rightfully so, too!) LOL ROTFLMAO
Wini-Great story, needed the laugh! Thanks for sharing it.
Matt- I hope you are not in alot of pain with the disks, it can be very debilitating at times. I believe that you mentioned you were going to the gym. Awesome that you are able to keep exercising. It really helps to keep your body strong, and if you end up having surgery your recovery time is quicker. I know you are probally limited on what you can do, so be careful.
Keep us informed on your condition. I wish you all the best- and Yes, I too was brainwashed as “Jim Jones” served up his kool aid . Its wild how the brain processes- or fails to process when we are in love and can cut and paste the most telling of details and facts. But now, we know how to be an A.S.S. thanks to Oxy. No more kool aid for me!
When normal relationships end- there is no restraining orders, arrests, smear campaigns , etc…My motto- if they have an X that hates them- I’m pretty sure I will be hating them soon too, so NEXT!!!
oh, I should add when the N/P served the “kool aid” he was wearing nothing but a SMILE. I should say when in ‘lust’ all logic goes out the window. Gotta work on that too…
sabrina:
“I should say when in ’lust’ all logic goes out the window. Gotta work on that too””
Sign me up for that club. I’ve now adopted the policy that if I start feeling chemistry, I run from the laboratory. Pronto.
housie:
It does help to write it down. And I think I can speak for a lot of people on this site when I say you’re not crazy — your story has S written all over it. But, at least you’re out of it now.
Matt,
You are such an encourager!! Thanks for the validation. It’s the first time I’ve “heard” it. And I love too, Sabrina, your humor re: if I start feeling chemistry, I run from the lab. It made me laugh out loud.
housie:
If you haven’t read it yet, read “Without Conscience” by Robert Hare. So much of what you described is classic sociopath. When I read that book my jaw was on the floor. It was like he was observing my entire relationship with S.
Also, when you mentioned that he treated his cat better than people, you reminded me of a cases where I saw S lavishing attention on a friend’s dog and all I kept thinking was “I wish you’d pay me 1/10th of the attention that dog is getting.” Of course, this was also the same dog which he jammed a sock over it’s head to get it confused and thought it was hysterical.
Hi guys, my court date postponed again, the S is outta town. Nice- he can afford to vacation, and you can bet a sugar mama is along for the Ride and the Bill!!!
She can be his lollipop, I am NO LONGER His SUCKER!
When talking about red flags- when I first met the N/S, he said the song Sweet Chariot reminded him of me and signed all kinds of love notes, cards, etc with I love you my Sweet Chariot:
The words to the song always puzzled/bothered me a bit that he related it to me-But now, knowing what I know, how befitting :
Sweet chariot, Your golden ways , you’ll be my vacation from this place (since I plan to steal all your money, I can afford it) I’m Singing Out Loud.(b/c I found another sucker)
You’ll Guide Me, GIve Me Your Strength… (& your life blood too, cuz my blue cross insurance dosen’t cover it)
He was BIG on writing volumes on how he loved me 1 week after we met- claimed I had a white aura surrounding me, that only God could have placed there- funny, we met in a bar- MAYBE that aura was his fuzzy vision due to too many Gin and Tonics!
Dear Housie,
I remember sharing a part of my past here at LF that I rarely ever if never shared with others in my life. It was an emotional day for me to say the least and it helped me begin to heal more in ways I never imagined.
I hope it is helping you to open up and express the dysfunctional abusive relationship you endured. My prayers are with you. This has to be so very stressful to go through. Thank you for sharing all that you did. I know its definitely not an easy thing to do, but at the same time it enables us to learn and grow and recreate ourselves.
You said
“(I was in transition from home to being on my own and was scared and ill-prepared to meet the world. I realize I put myself in a position to be hurt now)”
I can relate to that Housie. And it was one of the things I focused on rather than blaming myself for so many things. Kathleen Hawk really hit home with me when she said “You just didnt have the tools to deal with this person”…you have to learn them.
Housie, he was a terrible and bad man. The irony is the statement he made to you – that truly is a reflection of him when he told you that “you would die old, broke and lonely” – I’m certain he will and you wont Housie. That doesnt make it better. It just makes it more clear that he is toxic and unhealthy and controlling and manipulative and selfish – his day will come.
For now there will be better days ahead for you mixed with challenging days which you can get past…keep sharing..keep learning and growing…and most of all keep loving yourself more and more each day..you are worthy of all of the hidden love in your heart and soul that has been squashed and used and abused for so many years…now its time for you to be free…be strong…be YOU!!!! xoxo
Housie, I just got to read your posts. Thank you for sharing it with us. I am sure your story resinates with so many of us.
I had some of the very same experiences- although yours is much worse-more time invested, more intense. But my x had a mother, I too felt closer to then him. She knew so much more about him than I ,she kept his prior porno addiction, physical abuse record from me- even helped convince me he didn’t do what the courts said-he was framed by his x wife-even the x wife didnt tell me the truth till it was over with us and I went thru the same hell. The truth was hidden from me- When his parents were staying at my house on a holiday and the signs started coming out ,I was still dazed n confused, his mom told me to go to church, basically covered and ignored the truth. She was a huge enabler and in Major Denial. I dont think her intentions were bad, I truly loved her- she just was victim of his brainwashing. He put his parents thru so much pain.
He cursed me, ignored my need for help, and called me hideous names when I had to be rushed to E.R. with kidney stones, sent my family home after my disk surgery playing the “caregiver”, then left me alone when I couldnt move-what a sadistic JOKE.
He left me Alone ON our 1st anniversary one day after another surgery cuz he couldnt “LIVE” without his children for a weekend, took them to a hotel (he claimed) since I HAD to recover. He was EVERY TIME enraged whenever I was at my weakest/sickest or most vulnerable. Every out of town trip or vacation I can recall he became abusive in some way. I miracleously forgave, forgot, blocked out so much. It hits me in waves these days and literally takes my breath the degree of cruel, unconciable (sorry 4 spelling errors) things he did over the years. Far too many to explain or tell, just like all of us here.
Housie, when you said his need for praise was unbelievable- my experience exactly. To the point of being beyond embarassing for me. In Vegas, at a card table full of men- someone asked for a 6 of spades, He pulls up his shirt and says “What do you think of this 6 pack?”Unappropriate to say the least. He loved to impress men and women. He ALSO was a self proclaimed evangelist at AA & “consulted” anyone that would listen to his self righteous BS.
I always wondered if he was bi sexual. I think bottom line- they will sleep with anything with a pulse. My x ALSO claimed he slept with MORE than 200 women! His exact comment- wHILE WE were on vacation-along with “I was also in a porno movie once” Truth?WHO KNOWS.He had to find a way to ruin any mood. BUt- He made it clear, his had rules on who he slept with- they HAD to be pretty- Really pretty he said. Yet “I” was made to feel REALLY unattractive, & unworthy.
I ALSO paid completely for our wedding and honeymoon. He claimed he spent ALL his money on ring. His favorite line” I would Never Cheat on YOU.” – should have added-AFTER I’m Dead.. He even got a # for one of his “flings” While out we me ,introduced me as his Beautiful wife, whom we are members of blah blah Church. Came home THAT NIGHT and strangled me, breaking down bedroom door to come after me because I was beginning to see thru his con and asking too many questions.
I could go on and on. Housie, Be proud of yourself for getting OUT! Your an amazingly strong woman, no matter what he “programmed” you to think. He projected his shortcomings on YOU. Never blame yourself, you were victimized into a trauma bond. Treat yourself well, YOU deserved the best sweetie! Peace to all..
sabria:
“He was EVERY TIME enraged whenever I was at my weakest/sickest or most vulnerable. Every out of town trip or vacation I can recall he became abusive in some way. I miracleously forgave, forgot, blocked out so much.”
Same drill. When I stepped off a curb and ruptured my achilles tendon and needed surgery, you would think I did it on purpose. It was such an inconvenience for him to take me to the emergency room, let alone actually having to spend a night with me after the surgery. And when I lost the majority of my hearing for several months due to an allergic reaction to the anesthesia, again, I apparently did this on purpose.
In the 15 months (15 years in sociopath victim time) I took him on 6 trips. He ruined every single one of them, being abusive, having me walking on eggshells, and then my personal favorite, ripping off my neighbor’s villa in Greece.
I was ready to kill myself after 15 months. I don’t know how some of you kept it together for years on end. The only thing I can say is we are one strong group of people, individually and collectively.