By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
I wish we could fund a commercial to empower and enlighten others about sociopaths- maybe something like; a caption with:
a happy, whistling unsuspecting person walking along
with “THIS IS YOU BEFORE THE SOCIOPATH… then..
A freight train HITS THAT PERSON,HEAD ON,Blindsighting them, leaving GRAPHIC pictures of death& destruction, body parts awry, with next caption:
“THIS IS YOU AFTER THE SOCIOPATH…”
Don’t try this at home. Surgeon General Warns that ALL SOCIOPATHS are a HEALTH RISK. Screw responsibly or GET SCREWED.
OR “THIS IS YOUR BRAIN”…… picture of regular ,,thriving brain, no issue.
Then,
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN WHILE BEING WITH A SOCIOPATH-….
then picture showing shrunken, WARPED, brain, with smoke while short circuiting, from being FRIED, and completely Malfunctioning!!
What I SO love about this site is that someone will say something and it triggers reactions in one or more of us and leads to an encredible discussion for ALL of us. The validation we each receive is so healing. We are beautiful people. In the book I am reading, Captive Hearts, Captive Minds, Robert Hare and Hervey Cleckley call Psychopaths Trust Bandits. They also say that Psychopaths come from the Cookie Cutter Messiah School. I love their terminology.
Matt – I did read Robert Hare’s book Without Conscience, but foolishly gave it away years ago. If it’s been written, and it’s about a Psychopath, I’ve probably read it, except for the new ones. The most peculiar mystery is that I went to in-patient recovery in 1996 and never “got” it – but we can’t see til we can see, and we can’t hear til we can hear.
Matt, I agree. 15 months equals 15 years in sociopath victim time. Sabrina and Learnthelesson, I appreciate your wisdom and love. I will continue blogging as much as I need to for as long as needed. Bless all of you precious souls!
Matt
I hav read m,any of your posts and your stregnth and wisdom has become invaluable amongst many others on this site….I dont know how one person can be with an S for a long period of time..over the course of 5 yrs we had periods of off and on and the last time was 4 months and I was ready to kill myself after 2. He was horrible. There was something that he brought to the room…a sicky deathly feeling..when he came in….always depressed always drama. he ruined every holiday..every trip…over the holidays I found out I was pregnant and I miscarried…(thank god) as I hate to say I would not have wanted another child with that man….anyway..I was in so much pain and crying and he sat on the bed and watched his sports and basically didnt want to be botheres with me…it was unbelievable..no emotion AT ALL…I also have to ask..is it common for them to steal from us…blaming and m,aking us think it was someone else???
endthepain-
I say the stealing part is mandatory in the sociopath handbook- as if they need one. It is in bred in them to steal, cheat, and abuse. Mine stold $6500 cash ONE day, and swore I had miscounted the money,said I overestimated how much was actually there! Once I travelled 600 miles to go with him to visit his family. He acted so violent and bizarre the nite b4 we were suppose to leave, I chose for me and my little girl to NOT go back with him and got my friend (bless her) to come to get us! My friend after hearing the details of this maniacs tyraid, was afraid for me to ride home with him, as I was as well. What happened after? I FORGAVE him, as many other examples similar and equally disturbing with him. Typical example of “brain while being with a sociopath”- Fried and malfunctioning!
Housie & All
Your story is horrific, pales mine by comparison. Glad you are here. You wrote about the cat, one of the ending things with my S was that he was pretending to be sick and did not want to infect me by sleeping with me, his dog was with me. Then he called the dog out and was going “sweetie, baby, sweetie” to the dog and I lost it. Threatened to leave in the morning. He was mocking my feelings, at the time I still thought he was sick.
But I knew it was not the flu. Had no symptoms. I was afraid it was like a lymphoma or leukemia had gone on for weeks.
He got out of it that next morning. Made me feel silly. But then it was confirmed by his O/W. But I was already suspicious because he got better. What his symptoms indicated should have needed chemo.
What you went through, Housie, with the cults, there is nothing I can say to compare. Most of us were a cult of 2 — us and the S. To be dragged into a larger group, I cannot imagine.
It’s late, I cannot do a find. Someone said something about them being bi and I think that about my S. So did the O/W, though I suspect they are back on. The Heart has a mind of its own. She’s a smart lady, but has loved him for decades. But she was the first to suggest he was really gay. He said to me a few times that something had changed, sex was not that important anymore. He’s 50. I’ve had 50 yo who were still hot for me. No, they can’t do it 3 x a night but they still WANT TO.
Mixed feelings. I’m sad for her, she is such a great gal. But even though I know now who he is, I’m glad he is back with her instead of going through one mark (like me) after another. It would not have taken 3 new women to put him back in the joint. I don’t have to worry about him any more, like I ever did, but the thought that they are back on gives me some peace. Is that weird? Some (LTL maybe) said to stop worrying about her and I did, I did my best for her.
She had the tools. I sent her “Without Conscience” and “Women Who Love Psychopaths” (which Housie, you should read). If she went back (no return call today), I did my best.
I am at peace with it.
housie…read your “story” this morning. Thanks. Mine was a 26 year “ordeal”, with the last 10 years progressively worse. More just low-grade emotional abuse, until a gradual devalue and discard started the last 2 or 3 years…then an affair, lies, denial, betrayal. Mixed in was a smear campaign before and after.
Looking back, I still have the occasonial epiphany…so that’s what THAT was all about!…as I recall some dramatic event in “our” history.
But, after a good therapist, and Lovefraud, the “lightbulb” went on, at about 18 months out of the FOG. NO CONTACT unless it is about the last daughter, teen, we share.
I’ve a way yet to go, to reconstruct a new life, but I do enjoy the peace….and good people at Lovefraud.
And the OM (other man)….better him than me…and he cheated on his wife, They deserve each other. May they live long and torture each other….I’m FREE at last!
Better late than never.
A new day….16 days out. The gift is – I believe I did some healing the 17 years we were apart after the divorce and before we got back together for 4 months. During the 4 months I really saw him from the OUTSIDE in, and during that time saw him for who he was instead of who I wanted him to be. It got to the point during those 4 months that I saw him through different eyes. I was actually repulsed by him, which was a great feeling, as there was a “me” in this small revelation. I know there is a “me” that has been buried these past 42 years, and I am anxious to get to know her, but am still so fragile that even verbalizing the words sounds scary – so common with a trauma bond. I know my Higher Power is here with me walking me through this. One thing I do that is becoming very bothersome, is feeling like I am attached in my mind (as a coping mechanism), to people that I feel safe with – like Meredith Viera on Millionaire Show or watching Biggest Losers. Nothing kooky, but just a safe place to go with safe people I don’t have to really interact with. I watch the shows and feel safe for that period in time – also Oprah or 20/20, etc. It’s amazing how creative we have to become in order to survive. It’s like I’m connected to a safe reality. I’ve been insecure all of my life, having, like many of us, grown up in an extremely abusive home. My father was mentally ill and I witnessed horrific abuse. I never felt safe and it was a war zone. When I was around 10, the family was out camping and my mom and dad got in a fight. I was standing next to them and heard my dad tell my mom he was going to cut her up in little pieces and throw her in the river. I was afraid I was going to be next, and way out in the woods there was no place to go to be safe. I realize all of our stories have a different twist. When I met s I hadn’t dealt with any of the trauma in my life – wasn’t in touch with any of it – but just knew I needed someone to rescue me. Now I am having to go back and look at the “flaws” in my makeup that have caused my failure. From one perspective, I was a little wounded soul seeking solace in all of the wrong places. As an adult, I realize, as Augustine says, “Our souls are restless until they find their rest in Thee”. No human can provide all of the security I need. And. of course, being so broken when I set about seeking solace in all of the wrong places, the outcome was horrific. As I was told at Wellspring, I was a “bum magnet”. There are priceless gifts in all of this seeming tragedy. I DO have faith in the process, and I have been so encouraged by all of you who have lived to tell your story –
I read yesterday that anger is a healthy sign that I’m on the road to recovery. That means I’m out of denial. I am SO finished – the blinders have been removed – and now I deal with the incredible sadness. I shed tears of sorrow for the deception, but I will be so greatful to find the true Sally. Letting go of what is familiar, even though it’s horrific, is frightening, but because of my exit from the cult in 1987, and the similarities in exiting this nightmare, I feel that I have something to fall back on when I remember feeling the same feelings and how the process went – the cult leader was a Psycopath, and, as I’ve said before, I would have drank the Kool-Aid. The journey out was horrible – some committed suicide- but it takes me to another layer of finding my true self and a journey toward the light.
Dear Housie…
That was such a healing post above. I can relate in so many ways. You articulated everything so well. You are inspiring so many with your posts.
I think we all do things to cope in so many different ways. Just remember to not be so hard on yourself for your choices with coping…do things in moderation…and do whatever works for you..whatever makes you feel safe and secure and in a good safe place.
You are SO on the road to recovery. Embrace it and yourself.. You are in control of creating everything you want for yourself maybe even for the first time in your life….Im SO GLAD YOU ARE HERE!! You are a strong person – your journey out is proof of that — now all you have to do is keep learning and growing and healing…through self – love and self-pain and self-awareness!! There is light at the end of the tunnel…Oxy told me so!!!! And she was right! Every day becomes more and more of a gift the more and more you get to know yourself!!!!! :)) Thanks again for your post. I was touched by so many things you shared. Especially No human being can provide all of the security I need…except yourself!!! Thanks for that reminder!
I understand the sadness, having a bad day here myself and made it worse by calling my mother, widowed about 6 months and looking at her first anniversary alone. We both cried.
Housie, we too were apart for about 1 year and had a reconciliation of about 6 months when I really got to know the evil in him. Even when we were broken up I was stuck with him in my life in another capacity and he soaked me then too. The only reason for the second chance was he caught me at a very weak time, in a relationship with another S but not in love at all, just wanting out without bodily harm. You have a point about going back after some level of awareness of the bad, I saw things like I never had before.
But why am I still crying?
Dear Housie, congratulations on your insights! You are moving in the right direction—taking care of YOU and the OLD traumas that you were unable to face before now.
I too have “looked for love in all the wrong places” so many times. Not dealt with, or even acknowledged emotional trauma from the past, just buried it under the “rug” like a pile of CAT CRAP—but it still STANK to HIGH HEAVEN, but I denied it was there. Now I realize that it was and I am having to “go back” and clean it up—and get RID of the “damned CAT!” LOL
LTL, Yep, I DID tell you so!!!! and I’ll say it again, there IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL AND IT IS NOT AN ON-COMING TRAIN! TOWANDA!!!!
Dear Used, “why are you crying?” Because you are experiencing the saddness with loss of your fantasy, but YOU ARE HEALING!!!! So you keep on crying til you are done crying and then the pain will be washed out! Tears are MAGIC like tht, they eventually wash away the pain and the sadness out of our souls. (((((hugs))))