By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Oh my goodness…Ive missed SOO many posts after this past weekends temporary LF website malfunctioning…. Stargazer got word about her ex being punished?? reprimanded?? Thats awesome…I cant find Stars original post…in fact Oxy made mention of it yesterday and I had no clue what you were referring to Oxy…thought it was from a long time ago when maybe they told her they would look into the case! I will keep searching for it as I am curious how it turned out, but in the meantime…so thrilled for you Stargazer and the validation you must have felt, however bittersweet it may have been….way to go!!!! Stopped another one in his tracks!!!! Towanda!!!
Took a day off to do life… took a drive in the country to visit my aunt. Came home to a call from my daughter (her dad is the s). She has a son (my oldest grandchild) with Asperger’s Disease (a form of Autism). Well, she called to tell me she thinks her dad has Asperger’s because he has “problems with social cues”, etc. God Bless Her. This helps me realize that this has affected my children so deeply. I hurt for them. I am having to relate to them in a new way, without the “family” circle. Then I find myself watching my son to see if he is displaying symptoms of Psychopathy. I feel guilty to even THINK such a thing. In the meantime I get a notice that my car insurance is going up because the state that I live in has had too many accidents they have had to pay out on…..HMMMMM! Never heard of such a thing. As if this isn’t enough, my sister, who is mentally ill with Borderline Personality Disorder as well, called to tell me I killed her husband (he died about a year ago of a type of blood cancer), and that I am evil and I stole some papers from her and I will have to answer to my Maker. Although I know that all of this is part of her pathology, I found myself shaking when I heard the message she left on my recorder. I know it is because I am so fragile from trying to deal with the s thing. This almost sounds like I made all of this up. Well, I realized that I can’t have a relationship with her either, as she can choose to get help and doesn’t. She has a huge security system around her home so you can’t get in unless you know the code, and she has cameras in her home and a gun by her bed and another one somewhere else. Very paranoid. Now I am seeing HER through different eyes as well as the s. Maybe it’s just about boundaries -like where have I been all of my life? I feel like the blinders are off and I am THROUGH with her too. Excuse me from diverting from our singleness of purpose on this site.
I don’t mean to be ignorant, but what does Towanda mean?
Blessings to you all!!
housie:
You are surrounded by an awful lot of drama. The sister drama is off the chart. Does she have children or somebody else who can deal with her? The last thing you need at this moment is to have to fend off her craziness or get enmeshed in it.
As for your daughter, I wouldn’t even deal with her alternative theories or trying to defend your conclusions to her. If she wants to think her father has Asperger’s Syndrome, let her. You energies and efforts are better focused on you at this moment.
Hi Matt:
Yes, I am. As far as the sister goes, this is just another NO CONTACT relationship. This phone call today was the epiphany.
As for the daughter, I did exactly that – didn’t even mention any defense mode or try to get her to change her mind, In fact, I haven’t even told her I think her dad is a s.
Now that a few hours have passed, I feel more centered. And I needed to hear the “drama” word. I bow out – and just thanks a whole lot!!
Sabrina–
I posted a similar question on another thread. Like you, I was always a bundle of energy before all this happened, very athletic, super productive, loved being outside. Now I feel like sleeping three times a day, I have to make myself do just about anything, even the things I really like to do and care about. I’m making myself get exercise, making myself do my work, making myself keep the house in some kind of reasonable shape (but definitely not up to my usual standards). I think the stress and trauma takes a huge toll. I think the healing may take an enormous amount of energy, too. I feel that I am re-structuring my personality, so that I will no longer be vulnerable, and even though you can’t “see” that, there is significant work being done under the surface. So I’m hopeful that we will both–all–get back to our old selves once we are able to get past this point. It truly is amazing, the after-effects.
SKippy, Wow you have described me and my situation perfectly. I keep thinking how in the WORLD did I stay so busy before? I literally get concerned when I have a really productive day, cause the next day could be a “can’t get outta bed unless the house is on fire “day.
And productive these days- means I made it into work, ,came home,made a sandwich for myself &child, we ate it in bed (she thinks its GRAND-kinda like room service from Subway)and thats it Done for the day.
I own a retail business, so to my financial detrement, I CAN be off more than most, but in this economy its insane to .
Most would say its depression- but I am on meds now, I think there is more to it. I have never had problems like this before. Really bad days I don’t get dressed, dont wanna bathe, don’t wanna talk on the phone (I am usually very social), and no contact with anyone is preferred. Skippy, maybe thats it, what you said that the healing of our bodies taking all this time to regenerate.
I sometimes have chest pains (I am sure from anxiety, and face breaking out badly from stress/hormones -like I need that!Its a bizarre place to be at.I am just allowing myself some downtime but am being as optimistic as possible that this is just temporary. ANyone have any ideas or same problems?
Sabrina and Used:
It’s funny, about the Bi idea. Years ago the S had a ‘close’ relationship with a French guy who he would put down, saying he will do anything that walks…boy or girl. I always wondered what his attraction was to this guy? I thought it may be drugs. He would travel with this guy…again weird. (Of course, I din’t wish to go there, denial thing.)
Through the years, he attracted many, many gay men as friends. In college he stayed the night with a fellow student chef, he called me with a strange account of the night saying they slept in the same bed, because they were drunk and there was only one bed. He also told me that ‘tony’ had tried something. (Why would he tell me this?) The weirdest thing was one guy in town was an obnoxious guy…..as loud as they come and very vocal about who he had been with and was currently after. He owned a florist and all three men who worked there were in his circle and all gay. Out of the blue, the S came home and said he got a job there? The pay was peanuts and I just couldn’t understand what was up with that? There was a bar next door and he became as they called him their ‘bitch’. His main job was to run back and forth to the bar fetching drinks. As his wife, I was really offended by that. Over the years I had known this guy, he used to ‘tease’ me and say, I like your husband, he’s going to be mine one day.
Hello erin……wake up….red flag, red flag, he is CHOOSING to work with these guys for next to nothing and be treated like that?
Now he has been hanging with suspected swingers and ‘open’ crowd. prior to our seperation he even brought home one of the guys dildo’s (it was so huge, like a joke) and I was mortified, and at that time I was unaware of the ‘preferences of the crowd’. ……
I fully understand now about the bi/gay question.
I don’t know if it’s a sociopath trait, or if it’s coincidence… I know mine would talk down to and about anyone he felt didn’t live up to his ideal….. so it may be his ‘secret’, shame and divert attention thing and no way would his choice in lifestyle ever come out? Like I said in an earlier post….listen carefully to their words….it’s a window to their soul.
He harrassed one of our sons, calling him gay and all sorts of bad names and I always thought that too was terrible, and why was he so adamant about telling our son…..’no son of mine is going to be gay’. Our son prefered individual sports, and he could never live up to his fathers expectations, so he would use gay as a put down.
It’s very clear to me that it’s the projection thing going on.
When I talk about this with friends, I say…..I have no issue what so ever with anyones sexuality and choices. I don’t care who is gay or bisexual ….
AS LONG AS YOUR NOT MY HUSBAND!
Erin –
There’s a guy in my ex’S’s life who gave him more money than I did. Jane, the OW (who I have not heard from since last week) thinks it may be a gay thing. I agree. There is something awry with his sexuality.
Mine was homo-phobic, always calling someone a faggot. And he had these fantasies about seeing me with another man, I wondered if it was projection, that he wanted to be the “bitch” but could not deal with it, so he fantasized about it being me.
Read in “Women Who Love Psychopaths” that some of them enjoy sharing, proving they can get their woman to be with someone else.
Oxy – thank your for your kind words about crying. You are so much further along, you are a role model. It goes up and down, good days and bad.
Today was good. I was productive.
Erin &usedabused,
In the case of my N/P, he is soooo full of himself, he thinks theres so much of him to go around-as the saying goes:
So many women,So little time but ADD -men/underage/victims/anything with a pulse-
Please let me correct that he is the X N/P!!