By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Dear Housie, I just wanted to see how are you are doing.Your courage and strength is awesome. I can relate to what you said about “I watch the shows and feel safe for that period of time.” I think for me it is a break from reality, no threats,and a reminder of happy times.
One reality that helps me, even in my not so productive days, is to remind myself that life is now, living in the moment enjoying every breath as a gift is what this is about.
There are no do-overs of life. 2nd,3rd chances that I call grace, yes, but life on earth has a beginning and an end. When we go on a vacation, we want to enjoy every minute and put our efforts into what is most important to us- whether it be rest or play. Its about how much fun and life we can pack into a short amount of time.
Its a really good mentality to emulate every day.Don’t wait to be happy tomorrow. Joy, the bible says does not come from our circumstances but from our Lord. He puts it into our hearts in spite of circumstances, we can have joy and peace.
Dear Housie,
I wrote to you yesterday..posted it and it never appeared? That happens every now and then to me and its so frustrating. Anyway I hope you have a better day today. Re: Towanda…you have two choices…I can simply tell you or you can rent the movie Fried Green Tomatoes with Kathy Bates… thought Id give you the fun choices 🙂
And Ill tell you a secret….I have my mailbox full on my cell phone and my house phone…and Ive decided not to change that! My life is so much more calm now.. I do have caller I.D. so I answer for the people who I cherish and care about and all important calls I call back once Im home and check the caller I.D. When I was having a hard time with either avoiding calls or getting caught up in them (had an unhealthy girlfriend from childhood) leaving me drama messages and crazy messages so I called my number and literally filled up my mailbox. Now she (and unfortunately everyone else who I let go through to voice mail hears ” Sorry, this mailbox is full. ITS AWESOME FOR SOME PEACE AND QUIET, and it allows you to choose who you want to speak to or hear from! 🙂 Not sure how much longer I can keep it going, because I keep telling my closest friends…I know, I have to go in and delete my messages…but truth is it has simplified my life in such a way that I actually like it!! Some texts still come in, but no more crazy dramatic voice messages!
And the question to yourself “like where have I been all of my life”? I think we had been without boundaries – we were open caring giving loving to one and all – without it being reciprocated — Ive said before thats a good thing for good decent deserving people – but thats a bad thing for those who disrespect us, for those who are evil, selfish, etc…we must have boundaries in place to protect our own spirits and souls. And we must do this without malice or revenge — just pull away and protect ourselves as we see fit.
Dear Sabrina –
I enjoy reading your posts.
And yes I can relate to what you said above about a total change in my personality toward end of xtox and after. Its like life sort of stopped or changed or lost its pizazz (sp)… Its like I went into some kind of “what is life all about” shock…do I still care like I use to? Do I even still want to? And so many times I just didnt want to get out of bed at all…depression, overwhelmed, trying to take everything in and figure it out, anger, frustration, down-time to heal and rebuild (I guess), finding myself again, being ok with what I was going through, learnING to start all over again and begin with taking care of MYSELF first and foremost, doing for me, asking myself “So whatchya wanna do today with me? ” 🙂 Making myself happy, daily “to do” lists again and not letting myself slide on any of them – accomplishing them all..exercising FAITHFULLY – saved my sanity – eating better — reconnecting with my kids in a way I never truly had before — on their level — sitting with them and just listening, listening and being in the moment with them not just “parenting” them — giving them parts of me that I was giving to family, friends and others. Cant explain it, I just became more about myself and learnED for the first time the power and empowerment of healthy self-everything (it was hard for me because I always felt that was selfish…but its not its truly survival at its optimal best when you share that love with good decent souls in your life. When you choose to share your love and friendship with an incompatible person or a bad person – you are going to reap what you sow – a bad unhealthy outcome. I gave my love and friendship to the wrong people before — now I choose and create my path = and I trust myself. There still isnt a day that passes that I dont think about this or that about my toxic relationship…but I try to learn from my thoughts and I also truly believe that as bad as it was or got… there was an opportunity for each of us to learn and grow from our unhealthy union. I took that opportunity. He is still stagnant …never looking within, never learning, growing or changing for the better..just looking to lie, cheat and steal from his next relationship. They are not nearly as strong in character or life as any one of us…that helped me to get up and get out of bed more and more — I have so much life to give and live. He just exists – trapped beneath his mask – stagnant in his ways – truly hollow on the inside – and appearing JUST APPEARING to be on top of the world on the outside — he was in my life for a reason — to teach me more about myself and others and life. Lesson learned.
Sabrina & LTL,
Beautiful posts today, glad I got on for “a few minutes” before work — been an hour! But this is so good, so encouraging.
Yes, mine also fancied himself a ladies man, and Jane told me in his younger days it was anything that breathed. But he’s now pushing 50 and not much of a looker, I don’t even know how he snared me to start with. Something powerful, an aura, he said he had “authentic power” which means absolutely nothing. They both had flowery phrases that meant nothing, the other always talked about “the universe” doing this or that.
Surely if he’s not back with Jane he’s found some other sucker, and will just move from one to another. Just reminded me, during one fight we had while he was with Jane, he asked me out of the blue “are you going to make a police report?” I had not even thought of it, but I guess it happened to him before, like Sabrina’s ex S. Several restraining orders in the past.
Yesterday was productive, today will be too. Got one more post to do, for Jane
Hey Jane, if you are reading this:
I want to think of you on the back of your boyfriend’s motorcycle, taking hairpin curves through the pueblos into the setting sun and your hair blowing in the wind. You are having too much fun to talk to me anymore about that creep, TOWANDA!
But if I’m wrong and I get a call from an abused women’s shelter in you know where, don’t worry, I still owe you that ticket home that I wanted so much to buy you back then.
Until then, I’ll just be thinking of you on that bike, girlfriend!
Dear Usedabused,
You and I had a conversation about this before. The OW.. I shared my advice and we talked about the possibilities going on.
I was happy to learn that it was just miscommunication and things really were healthy with her and her new man and strong between you two as friends. Although, rare, you showed me it is possible.
Im going to be honest in that theres a red flag here….having nothing to do with the creep either being in the middle of the situation or not… it has to do with being treated with respect and kindness no matter what…so its not ok to be continually ignored or have a friend who disappears on you for no apparant reason, let alone because she may have gone back to the creep or not.
And if she didnt, (I hope for her sake thats the case)…then I hope for your sake and sanity you see the red flags and speak up so that you arent continually put in this position to be left to wonder…or stop and change direction.
I say this to you out of kindness and hope that we can say Towanda about it together when it gets resolved with you and Jane the healthy way….as friends!
Dear LTL,
Thank you, I do remember our conversation and your advice to get away from anyone who had anything to do with him, including her. But at the time, it did appear that she wanted to remain friends, and she was helping me through this.
Then on Friday, I called her and she never called back.
My post about her was basically good-bye. I don’t want to call again after she did not return my call, or email her, the last thing I need is to get a call from him to stop interfering. But I had to say, it’s OK, either way I understand. Could not say it to her directly so I put it here.
I’ll always be grateful for what she did even if her intentions were only to get even with him, without her confirmation he would have convinced me I was wrong, and just hurt me all over again.
Are you saying I should try to communicate with her again, or just accept that for whatever reason, back with him or not wanting to talk about it, she just does not want to talk to me?
PS:
Me and my ex-husband’s ex are very good friends. Always will be.
Dear Usedabused,
All I am saying is I dont want you to be used and abused by anyone ever again. I dont want you to put yourself in the position to be able to.
That said, I totally understand and respect that you chose to let her know you would be ok with whatever her situation was. And that you are grateful for what she did no matter what her intentions were. But I was honestly feeling it shouldnt be ok for her to choose to ignore you or just randomly disappear and leave you wondering what the case may be… and then return again with an excuse that is acceptable to you ( I was with him, or I was busy)…I dont know, maybe because of the situation I am skeptical about it…
It just sensed a red flag…and I wanted to share it with you. I guess my point is whether on vacation or back with him she could be friendly enough to let you know…and its up to you how you want to deal with it…I dont see this being about him. I see this being about the “friendship” you felt you had with her. I dont suggest you call her. I was just suggesting you be aware of the red flag in this particular friendly situation.
I think each situation is different. And I think any two people can be friends and good friends at that! As long as you are being treated with respect and kindness…and I suspect your ex-husbands ex is doing that and thats why you always will be good friends!
Im just concerned about this particular situation. Because it keeps happening..
Yes, you make a good point. It is not right, after all we shared.
We did not need to be talking on the phone 3 times a day forever, I have dear friends I only talk to a few times a year, or even just visit when I’m in their cities. But I return their calls when they do call.
This is wrong. The only possibility is that she just missed the message, that happens, but she should have called by now anyway just to check in. We were talking every day, then every other day, now it’s a week.
One thing I did not mention. During our last or next to last conversation, she said her new bf was interested in the vehicle I had repo’d from the ex S. This makes no sense, why on earth would she want to drive in that thing? It was the one he was driving when he was living with her and seeing me every day.
So the most likely explanation is that they got back and she’s too embarrassed to tell me. And if she is just on that bike, she should call.
Red flag up. If I hear from her I’ll confront her, but I suspect I will not. May have been just pumping me for info on him and when I no longer had any, what was the point?
Luckily, I have not heard a peep from him. I’ll stop worrying about her.