By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
A new day…I’m finding myself going way overboard about boundaries – I mean, if they ( friends, acquaintances, etc.), just “hint” at trying to control me or disrespect me, I feel like clawing their faces off. I am way overreacting over any issues I feel are harming me in any way. My take is that I have to go to the other extreme before I come back to the middle. Also, I am having to find who “me” is.
LTL and Sabrina – thanks for giving me the courage to keep one foot in front of the other. It’s God’s gift to be surrounded by so many loving people who “get” it.
I went to a friend’s house and helped her make decorations for some church event. Then she gave me a big Mason jar and let me go out in her huge yard and pick Lilacs to bring home. The smell is so healing. I put them in the center of my oak table and they are so pretty. I am enjoying the small joys – the birds chirping, a trip to the library yesterday, stopping for a latte. It’s nice to focus on me and really the past few days I’ve thought about him not at all. If I do, it’s in the context of a memory that is more proof of who he really is. LTL, how do you pull away “w/out malice or revenge”? I hate him. When I went to my friends today, she started in on how I need to pray for my enemies, and I wanted to spray the can of glitter on her. Maybe forgiveness will come in time, huh? I can’t imagine EVER forgiving him. I’ve always been the good little Christian, so this is not my usual M.O. I really can’t imagine forgiving him or praying for him. What do you do with who he is? No one can answer if he is bad or evil. He has had as many chances to change as I have. All he does is go around talking about God’s grace. BARF! I really am open to hear from all of you or some of you on what to do with the pieces. For my children’s sake as well as my own, I need to bury this all neatly somewhere.
Dear Housie,
I think JaneSmith wrote an excellent post today to UsedandAbused Under Letters to Lovefraud Article. When the time is right for you, you will bury this all neatly somewhere.
In the meantime, you are doing all the positive things you can be going over to friends homes, taking day trips, treating yourself to that latte, etc., keep doing that and keep expressing and asking and seeking and learning.
With my x I did not pull away without malice or revenge because I was in way too far over my head…I was angry as he** and I suspect getting the judgment was my way of seeking not only justice but revenge. I was referring to present day…meeting new people who give me red flags… and that I have learned to pull away without any questioning of why or malice or seeking revenge. I learned to just get out.
But like you, with my xtox, I had to go through so much sorting out and anger and hurt and pain…by doing so, for me in my particular situation I opened myself to the possibility that on some level I played a role in the ongoing saga (not so much as to take the blame off of where it belonged — on him!!) but to figure out why I was there to begin with once I realized I was being treated wrong. I went back to my childhood, the way I was raised, the dysfunction I grew up with and blocked, I sorted out who I thought I was and who I really was — and what I needed to do to protect myself going forward and better myself as a person going forward. After I did all I could to figure out him, his motives, his ways, his reasons…I just decided that information isnt going to help me..whats going to help me was figuring out why I allowed myself to be in the position I was with him. I wanted to believe it was because “I loved him” and I did…but ultimately thats not why I let myself be mistreated and used and abused once the mask fell off. And Housie, I did get to a place of forgiveness because it was for my healing benefit to do…it was not for him in any way shape or form…it was for me to be able to grow and learn through personal forgiveness…but Ill never forget.
I was angry that a better me meant I had to be more selfish, and more in control of me. But the truth is I am blessed to have found out that these traits are life savers when they are healthy traits.
You said what do you do with who he is? I accepted it Housie. I came to terms with it. Whether bad or evil or sick or abused past …whatever it is …he was not a good man for me in my life…he was not a friend… he was not capable of truly loving me, respecting me, etc.
And sadly I dont think I was back then…I wasnt aware of what it was truly like to love myself, respect myself, trust myself. So we were a terrible match from day one. I realized he is not going to change, he has had as many chances, and he chooses not to.
Not me, I wanted to change and learn and grow. And protect myself. He is in a place now where I can say I learned from my experience with you, it was the most painful experience I went through, but had i stayed with you my spirit and soul would be dead. I would be walking around empty and hollow. But I got out and gave myself the chance to learn and grow and live…life is worth living because Im in it..I have family and friends who I love and adore and life is so much more than him.
Towanda – Is what Kathy Bates declared when she backed her car up into her husbands!! Heres the clip!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZhmZxPWni0
oops …Kathy bates rams her car into someones who stole her parking space! Its a declaration of her assertiveness and newfound warrior-like strength! 🙂
Dear Learnedthelesson,
Your letter is a witness to my spirit. I had already decided I don’t need to figure out why HE anything. But I DID want to know why he is like that so I know how to understand this whole thing. I don’t need to know anymore. I, also, looked at my part in why I allowed him into my life. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, the oldest of 5 children. Although I went to a private school and lived in a new home, all was not well behind closed doors. My mother had no boundaries (she was the one of 10 children from the Great Depression), and so she didn’t know how to teach us. She has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (covert), and when I had a boyfriend, it made HER feel special.
Looking back, I would no more be attracted to this guy today than Ted Bundy. I would spot a million red flags. You are so right on about boundary issues, and I know how to have them and use them in my life today. I realize I placed myself in a position to be hurt when I met him. I was so love hungry from the lack of love I grew up with. I can see it so clearly. That is why I think it is SO important to have a strong sense of self before getting into ANY relationship with a man again. I am not a man chaser. I’ve only been with 2 in the last 42 years and they were both my husbands. But when I married #2, I wasn’t de-programmed from #1 yet. I just thought I had to go on with my life even if I felt not over #1. Why is is we live life forward and understand it backwards? Sigh!!
Well, I feel well on my way to recovery, however, your letter DID make me cry – just more reality, which is good, damnit!
Thanks SO much, LTL; you’ve been such a rock for me and I love your strong and healthy sense of self and how God is using you to help others on this blog. He makes ALL things work together for good. In the night, the words came to me,”Weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning. I believe it!!
Akitameg/Housie –
Akitameg – I just wrote the longest post to you and went to preview it and my computer froze (probably because it was too long!!) Have to make dinner now and will write to you my thoughts (in condensed version) once kids are all in bed. Hang in there everyone is giving you awesome advice and support and Im so proud of you for being strong enough to reach out rather than reach back into that hell hole you were in. You are actually stronger than I was with this NC thing. Im so proud of you for doing everything to stay strong and get to the bottom of why you feel he was such a good guy prior to the discard when clearly you are able to share how awful he treated you leading up to the end. We all can relate and understand and will help you get through this and sort out why you are struggling with letting go of a bad man for you– one who was unable to love and respect your love and friendship with him. You are going to figure this out and be so much happier and better for not going back to that creep! More later…. xoxo
Dear Housie,
Kindred spirits share moments of weeping and joy on LF!!!!! Im so glad you are here. We all went through some darkness in our lives and are finally finding our way out again. Im glad to be on this journey with you learning and growing with eachother and everyone as we go. I hope you awaken to the birds chirping tomorrow and lots of sunshine and a peaceful day. xoxo
Learn the LEsson– just read your post to me. THank you soooooo very much!!! nc forever– let me tell you.
I jsut wish I could get over my obseesion with wanting to have his exwife know everything! The lies he told me about her– playing victim to his “gold digging whore” — all of it. I just pray that the Lord shines light on that woman. I don’t know why I care. maybe b/c he victimized ME by victimizing her if that makes any sense–
Housie –
Hi! I did it too, let the S into my life in the wake of a horrid divorce. We do that. We are not used to being alone, that’s part of the problem.
I said this to him during one of our “tearful goodbyes” that I was not good at it (living alone) though other women are. I was real good at it , in my 30’s, but that was a quarter century ago.
”Weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning. I believe it!!”
We all need to believe it. I’ve been weeping all day.
Meg, if you want to call her do it. Sorry to repeat, but I was on the receiving end of such a call and I will always be grateful to the woman on the other end. She was brave. She “cowgirled up” and let me know what was going on. Just realize she may go back and tell him, it may take a few days to build trust (which may only later be abused), but there is nothing wrong with letting another victim know that she is that — a victim.
On the other hand (sorry to brag) not every woman is as cool about this ugliness as I was. Need to assess the situation, who is she? How will she take it? Is she still so taken in that she will rationalize?
Some awesome support and advice you guys did yesterday and today….I am glad you are ALL here.
“friendships” that are based on ONE subject or interest (like having been “screwed, blued and tattooed” by the same love interest) seldom last long unless there is some other interest between the two people that develops. It is also possible that she “went back” or whatever, but I would not grieve over such a “political alliance” and that ONE INTEREST (him) isn’t realy enough to hold a “friendship”—it happens, and maybe you each got something out of it AT THE MOMENT but it no longer serves one or the other of you.
Back when my kids were a certain age, I had “mommies” friends but because most of us had little else in common, those friendships didn’t flourish for a life time, just FOR A TIME. But at that time they were wonderfully supporting for a young (and very ignorant) mother.
Dear Akitameg –
I layed down with my little guy and next thing I knew my alarm was going off at 1am to check him…but I was glad to see some your positive posts this morning and that you are determined not to contact him.
One of things I remembered writing to you is that I could relate to loving a person so much and feeling like why the heck cant I call him..and I finally realized the answer was “my love and friendship for him” had no meaning to him in his life. And what I was wanting and in need of by wanting to call him was to know he really did deep down care about me , about us, about what we had..I was needing to make the phone call for myself — not necessarily because I loved him, but because I wanted to make myself feel better… but thats not going to do it– its going to make us feel worse because the reality is he doesnt have the same feelings or rather he isnt capable of empathy and love and understanding of others — he is selfish. I had to accept that I loved a bad man and I had to move on and let go as I did with others that I didnt love nearly as much…but I HAD TO DO THAT ON MY OWN, WHEN I WAS READY. I took every bad incident and kept replaying it, the lying the cheating the stealing…in your case the abusing, the treating so badly of you and your good kind soul to him and to others — thats the real him Meg – even tho you loved him – you loved a bad man for you in your life. You dont need them – you can give yourself more love and understanding and respect and appreciation each and every day of your life – than he ever could in lifetime! Acknowledge and accept that you loved him – and then acknowledge and accept that you loved a bad man. I get how you fell for him in the beginning and thats the part you hold on to – but thats not the REAL him Meg — the real him is the guy who took you away and on spite said NO SEX cuz Im pissed at you for not babysitting. The REAL him is the guy that abused you.. The REAL him is the guy who victimized you and his wife…THAT HIM WILL NEVER CHANGE — even if you told his wife — he wont change. So the point is when you are ready, start giving some of that love you have in your heart to yourself — more and more each day — one day at a time. Simply by reaching out here on LF when you are struggling is giving yourself little bits of love and respect – rather than living in denial. Face the reality when you are ready that you were in a toxic relationship with a bad man. How can you grow and learn from that? How can you be better prepared it doesnt happen again? How can you let go and keep going forward? Because calling him or telling his wife is not necessarily the answers — if things help you go forward — then they are the answers. Going backward will only prolong the pain and agony. He is gone. You are lucky your spirit and soul have been set free to learn again.
You see Meg, if you said to us I wont be here for a while because I made a commitment to another family to do something for them, we would all say Wow Meg that is so sweet and generous of you, we understand and will miss you and think of you often until you return!!!! Because thats what a friends who care about you and respect you and love you DO! They dont say “FU Bitch…how could you not babysit my daughter…now Im going to get you back by taking you away and isolating you. And let my brother trash talk you…. Do you see what Im saying. He made you second guess the goodness in your heart to your commitment — No.No. No!!! –Hes selfish and cold and bad. You have a choice to call him, his wife, his friends or let go of him. Poof. Bad Man Gone when you are ready!!! Akitameg to move to better days when you are ready!!! xoxo
Learn the Lesson–
you have no idea what you post means to me today for I dreamt of him all night. All night.
I am going to reread your post– it gives me hope.
God bless you.