By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Oxy, thanks:
“friendships” that are based on ONE subject or interest (like having been “screwed, blued and tattooed” by the same love interest) seldom last long . . . it no longer serves one or the other of you.
Though I do miss her, I think it was keeping it alive, knowing what he was doing. Served an excellent purpose in the set-up phases, me knowing when he left her city, then neither of us knowing where he was, then me knowing at least that he was there and not still here. And (sadly) learning that he really had planned to stay 2 weeks. That hurt, was one of his last talks, how he had a surprise for me, a 2 week visit.
However, was I really to be included in the whole 2 weeks or was it in said in desperation because I had taken the car already and my friend was taking his stuff to the desk?
I need to accept this. If I can get past this, I might be OK:
Yes, he really was coming here to make things work. He and Jane were OVER, that’s why she called me. But it could never change the fact that he is, as Oxy says, a Bad Man. I’m still paying off the couple of credit cards he talked me into 2 years ago, and I’m not young enough to survive another big financial hit. I was afraid I would lose everything, my home, my credit (what little is left), my business. He would take and borrow and one day when there was no Peter around to pay Paul for him – –
He would have been gone. Leaving me to old to recoup and to live the rest of my life impoverished.
So just when he had finally committed to me in his head (not his heart), I booted the man I loved more than anyone in the world. Cruelly and suddenly and with the orchestration by my rival, she helped my through it. But I had the support of Donna and my friends here in what I was doing, it was the safest way to get my stuff and not risk getting pulled back in.
And when that was done, what did he do? After one sad text, begging me to call (did not return), I never heard another word. He went on back to Jane and started hounding her.
Perhaps he was only here to get me to buy him another car, and than take it there to sweep her off her feet, that too was possible. In fact, I was not even sure he would bring my car, thought he might suspect I would grab it, but he did. He had no idea I had freed myself of his control.
I even see the property emails he sent me from his area (which I loved and wanted to make my home, but after the first break-up I needed to come back to my real home) that thrilled me at the time were a set up. It was not a place for us to live together. He would have got my name on the mortgage and then made it so miserable for me that I would leave, letting him “pay the rent” until I would have had to have him evicted and be left with an upside down property in the middle of nowhere.
So, why in the hill am I still crying a month later?
I’m afraid, I hate to admit it, but I feel guilty about what I did to him, if he really was here to make it right. Darn it hurts. I’ll get that “sick” picture out.
Some musings from my journal the last few months before I had my “aha” moment…..
We made love twice..He wants to be friends – not married. Calls me “Sweetie-Pie”, says “I love you dearly”. He still feels like a drug – Heroin-Addict-ish while it’s lasting, then horrible w/drawal when not. God, keep me safe. Protect me. We were married 20 years. I’ve GOT to do this differently. Why do I feel so “sensing change?” There is the childhood world to which I am returning for the integration and the “Richard” world to which I am leaving. For now, that is all I know. I feel it happening w/in me. R and I are “soulmates”, but there is a deep work going on w/in me re:the “misalignment”. I have hope because of it. I want to be free more than I want R. The past is over. R is lost. Am letting go emotionally of R. We will have a “new normal”. R called. Expressed frustration that our son would be at my house when he comes and we can’t make love. I said something to the effect that “is that all you think about?” He said, “God knows, we talk enough”. I get in fear that maybe that is all I mean to him. R came. Spent an hour in bed- The only time I feel an emotional connection with him. He puts his “stuff” (motorcycle, guns, makes sure he has gold in his teeth if we have nothing, buying a 1/2 beef, etc.) ahead of people(me)- always has- not husband material. I need to find a way to know what to do w/this. R just called to thank me for the fun afternoon. I feel dissociation – nothing to connect to. Read somewhere that decision is a risk rooted in the courage of being free. R called. He’s putting his resume “out there”, which translated means that he will move anywhere in the U.S. w/out any thought about “us”. The only thing I need is to make sure R is being monogamous w/me. The other day while we were in bed “afterwards”, he told me he could never marry me and would I be ok w/that? I asked him why he didn’t want to marry me and he said that he wouldn’t be any good at it, but that he loved me dearly.I told him that I understood, and that I wanted what was best for him. I told him I was afraid he was using me. He suggested that our son and I move to wherever he got the job to be near him. R called to thank me for our talk the other day and that he forgot Valentine’s Day, but that he doesn’t think much of that day anyway. I am only as sick as my secrets. Until I let them out into the light, they keep me trapped. No matter what happens in my life, I wiill be able to face it, deal w/it and learn from it. I don’t want to feel trapped. My heart’s desire is to be w/someone who I grow old with. R is back, but not WITH me. I am lonely. This isn’t what I wanted, but neither can I have our family back. The kids are grown. This is the wierdest set of events. If R were in a mental hospital it would be like this, but he’s not. He’s going to gun shows and pretty much has it made in the shade. I feel low man on the totem pole. Maybe trapped. I need to make a decision. Life w/out him is lonely. Life w/him is confusing. R called. Wanted me to listen to some music on his car radio. Said he wants to come here once in awhile to take me to dinner – to “get you out”. There is a disconnect somewhere. He doesn’t seem to have a connection with our past together – can’t seem to put my finger on it. It’s as though “we” never were, except in his :knowledge”. He can flit from something that would break anyone else’s heart with seemingly no pain.Everything is always about him. He means well. This could explain why when I went to his home in another city, (he was married to another woman), to pick up some items, he took me around the back of the house to show me the back yard. In it were two matching Adirondack chairs, the chairs WE had always dreamed of having together, in the city we had dreamed of retiring in together. There is something missing in him and ITS NOT ME. He’s perfectly content with his things and has WAY too many people in his life. He doesn’t settle down. Seems incapable of it. It seems obvious to me that he has placed his life ahead of me. He doesn’t sacrifice for me – or anyone for that matter. Last night he was talking to me of buying a little house in – Last week it was that he was having one of his friends draw up plans for a hogan. I feel that when I get stronger I will be abloe to move on with my life without him. I think the grief and closure is coming while I am in this time w/him. There will be a time when I can walk away because there will be nothing left but a portion of ashes. What we had together is dead. The last thing to leave will be my body. R called. I have a negative reaction each time he calls after it is over. I want to listen to my body. It’s all about the disconnect. I feel dissonance. I want to be aware of my constant need of reassurance and own it. R has personality disorders – one or more- There is a disconnect in him – Narcissism and Sociopathic traits – I feel that my soul has been pulverized permanently. What do I do w/the pieces? R called. I was totally disengaged. I just couldn’t get into it. It felt SO good.It was like an acquaintance calling. I was ambivalent. I reminded him that I have a life too. I’ve actually been glad when he HASNT called. Am in the anger stage of the grieving process. Have cried alot.The lie of it all. I may as well have connected to a fence post. Feel, Heal, Deal.It feels good that the monster is dead. R called. We had the best talk yet! He was Very real. He told me he saw a sadness in my eyes the last time we were together. He told me he appreciated me for helping our son to get settled. We talked of old times. I think I am confused. R called. I am experiencing feelings of unreality. The woman he is rooming with is angry at him. Her therapist is telling her R is a sociopath like her ex-husband. This may explain the trauma-bonding in me. Am I imagining this? God, please reveal the hidden things of darkness. Maybe it’s just PTSD from Viet-Nam. Wonder why his 2nd wife divorced him? Have been in fear that R is a S. Looked up Sociopath on the internet. He may be incapable of love. I want to shift the focus from HIM to ME and what I need to do to take care of myself. I have a speech coming up. It really has nothing to do w/R, but w/me and my choices. Feel like there are two “me’s”. Feel “self” that believes R is a Sociopath. R called. Said he couldn’t walk away from women who are hurting. I need to let go of the Sociopathic thing. Fear is a 4 letter word for procrastination. Recognizing R is incapable of EVER being normal – or honest for that matter. It doesn’t matter WHY. Denial is cracking. Need to trust the process. How long am I going to expect this man to change? I’m SICK of focusing on R. Need a time out from him. R called. I told him this isn’t working for me. He said “Really”? Is it something I said or did? I repeated “This isn’t working for me”. We said good-bye and I dropped the rock. Thank You, God, for doing for me what I could not do for myself! It’s been 3 weeks out and I am free at last. I have no desire to EVER return to that insanity. I am finally on the outside looking in, and well on my way to a new life.
Dear Housie,
Thank you for sharing. One of the things I remember is that they live day to day. And they have grandiose ideas that are always fleeting. So one day I would be in his arms (because on that day he wanted to spend some time together) and Id be on top of the world talking about where he wanted to take me on vacation (when he got money) etc…and the next day he may have awakened and wanted to drive to Baltimore to visit an old college friend and when he was there in a single moment on that particular day he decided he wanted to stay a few more days and maybe the next day he decided he wanted to wash his car, and hit the gym and go out with the guys and then two weeks later on a particular day he decided he wanted me in arms that day… and I had to be on par and in agreement with his selfish day to day living style or I could take a hike and if I really took a hike he would contact me again because who am I to leave him or reject him wasnt he always good to me when we were together? etc.etc.etc. The truth was no he wasnt “good to me” – he used me – for his pleasure, for his monetary needs, for his fix…I would answer the phone (ok I would JUMP), I would respond, I would hope each time it meant ahhh, he finally gets how much I love and care about him… nope…hes just getting what he wants for the moment on that particular day..and he always wants to know I will be there…waiting… or that he can come back…Because “Commitment” is not his thing. But really he is just a lost soul, wandering day to day, no goals in sight, no motivation. Just existing. Wanting me to put my life on hold (or have no life) for when he wants me or something from me….
Its good to be on the outside looking in Housie. And please know, often they wait 2 -4 months out or 6-12 months out and they slowly come creeping back..to see if they can lure you back in again. They want to win, they dont want to lose control over their pawns. They will say and do whatever they think will work. They say things like I miss you, I love you, (they may even think they mean it on some level) but they arent capable of it. They just are void of truly following through on what it takes to have mature consistent love and friendship. They just feed their own souls and selfishness. They want us to live selflessly – but we are a self entity – that deserves love and friendship and honest and true companionship with ourselves and then with others. They just arent capable of giving us or anyone that. And at times we feel incapable of cutting them off. But when we realize its my life or his life — because its not never was and never will be “our lives” together – we must choose our own lives. A new life…. Im so glad you are free and on your way Housie!
learnedthelesson:
Regarding paragraph #1 of your above-post — CONCUR!!! As I read it I thought “I could have written this.” I agree, they are creatures of the moment, with the sole goal of keeping us on the hooks so we jump when they say jump.
When they do have a long range plan, it is completely lacking in reality. Such as the following: IDEA –let’s buy a hotel/bar together. PROBLEM — ex-cons can’t get liquor licenses. HIS VIEW — no hay problemo. MY TRANSLATION — Matt will pay for it. IDEA–I’m going to move to Paris. PROBLEM — he has no money, foreigners can’t get jobs in this economy. HIS VIEW — things will take care of themselves. MY TRANSLATION — Matt will pay for it. And so on. And so on. And so on.
Regarding Paragrah 2, I’m glad you wrote this. I gave S his marching papers about 6 months ago. I have a pretty good sixth sense. Lately my sixth sense has been telling me that S is about to surface. I don’t think it has anything to do with love. I think we’re coming up on summer vacation and S is suddenly realizing that he doesn’t have a trip to Greece coming up this year, let alone a trip to Great Neck.
Thanks, everyone, now the site has me smiling.
Translation: She’ll pay for it. Every problem in his life.
Having a better day today!
LearntheLesson:
“often they wait 2-4 months…and they slowly come creeping back.”
At the time, I thought that was LOVE.
It took me SO LONG to understand this is exactly what LOVE IS NOT!
He had me believing in “SOMEDAY”.
Rosa:
Oh, yes. The inevitable “SOMEDAY”.
When I had been seeing S for about 6 months, he lit into me about how I was “preassuring” him with my “demands” that we spend more time together. And he gave this half-assed argument that relationships were like “stews” and had to simmer.
When I had been seeing S for over a year, same drill. Same half-assed argument. By then I was starting to realize that not only was there no “someday” but that the only way I was going to get any time together with him was if I waved my platinum AMEX card. Unfortunately, I still hadn’t figured out that what I had was exactly what LOVE IS NOT.
When I finally decided to toss out S on his now well-padded ass, I once again went through the same drill. Same half-assed argument.
Now, when he comes crawling out of his hole, as he will I am going grab a shovel and knock him back in so damned hard he’ll come out on the other side of the earth. Sorry, China.
“YOU will pay for it” is definitely the UNIVERSAL TRANSLATION when dealing with S’s.
It may be financially, emotionally, psychologically, physically, or all of the above.
Just know if you are dealing with an S, YOU WILL PAY!!!
In fact, the really arrogant ones will actually come right out and SAY IT!
Matt:
That is HYSTERICAL!! I am laughing so hard!!!
Yes, the S’s LOVE to get on their high horses and start preaching about LOVE (like they know what it is) and how they want someone who will be with them “through thick and thin”.
Another translation: Are you still buying my bull shit? I’ll be back in 3-6 months to give you more.
Rosa:
Unfortunately, not only did I buy his bullshit, I paid a lot of money for the so-called “privilege.” Oh, well.
This year, I took all the frequent flyer miles I racked up during the “priviliged period” I knew S. And I am flying first class to Greece. Perhaps I will send him the ear-plugs they hand out in first class. A sign that I never have to listen to his bullshit again.