By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
I’m finally standing up for myself and am absolutely done with him. I’ve forgiven him over and over and have not required him to respect me or any boundaries for over 30 years (how wrong). Unfortunately he forced me into this present position — I wish I’d been able to do this on my own. I don’t think I could be this firm without some terrible things that happened recently. It felt like it could’ve been the end of my life he attacked me so violently, first verbally for hours then physically. To top it all off he then accused me of violence (I did threaten to kill myself) and brought a civil suit charging me with domestic abuse. Unbelievable! These three things were the absolute death nell of the relationship.
I apologize for not sharing this well. I feel so bottled up inside that I can’t even express my pain. It’s even worse than that — it’s so overwhelming that I don’t even know what to do with it internally. When I try to write about it I can’t explain myself and my emotions and I just come out sounding detatched and clinical. I’ve pretty much given up trying to write on forums (not this one obviously) because I know I don’t relate well to people. But it has gotten so much worse. I’m sure I’m not making much sense and thank-you for bearing with me.
I am now facing losing everything by divorcing him — 32 years in which I put all my eggs into one basket. I didn’t finish college so as not to take away from my family/ children (married young), I”ve barely ever worked outside the home, I did teach my children at home and have helped my husband in his various endeavors — from church work to starting a business. I’m now older and chronically ill and can’t work and he is my only means of support. I’m in utter shock at how quickly he turned so against me after spending the last year begging me for reconciliation. I’ve been resisting reconciling because I know he’s still lying about so many things (how I got the STD, how his work computer hard drive went out and disappeared within hours of the computer forensic man getting the home computer, a secret email account and bank account, denying chatting when evidence of archived chats, and on and on).
It got so bad wrangling with him about his lies that I felt compelled for the sake of my own sanity to have to prove the truth incontrovertibly so I started having him followed. This has been the worst torment of all — how well he lies and feeling like I’m the nutcase. I felt I had to prove the truth (even though for any outside observer not manipulated by him, the truth had already been proven many times over). That’s when I discovered he had a girlfriend. Even though we have been separated we both beleive — well I believe and he expressed belief, that we are still married and anything like dating would be sin. He presents himself as a practicing Christian so this is not ok even for his persona.
I gave him many days and asked many questions to give him a chance to confess the girlfriend voluntarily but he kept lying through his teeth while proclaiming his “love” for me and desire to reconcile. This led to the terrible night a few weeks ago when I asked him point blank, “Who’s Louise?”. Come to find out he said he knew I knew and had a little prepared script about her. This was still in the context of his wanting reconciliation. And he had the gall to tell me how much he enjoyed kissing her all night long but doing no more. I know for a fact he was in her condo long hours on end and don’t believe for a minute that nothing happened.
Anyway, what really set him off, I think, was finding out I’d done some investigation to find out who the girlfriend was. This was after I had endured days of his harrassment trying to make me take him back. He turned on a dime and went into one of his raging verbal attacks in which he told me in every imaginable way what a worthless person I am in every aspect of my being. This lasted for hours. More happened that I won’t get into but there was something about his verbal abuse and rage that night that seemed entirely different than all the other times. It wasn’t different in content but was such a culmination of all the evil that he thinks of me and all the hatred that he has for me that it showed to me the complete and utter futility of trying to reconcile with that, to say nothing of the continual lies, cheating, immorality, manipulations. Even I have a limit! Then he tops the whole thing off with a public suit claiming domestic abuse against me (which he later dropped for some unknown reason — I don’t know his motive but I believe God answered prayer and had mercy on me). When he had me pinned on the floor he screamed, “You are not my wife!”. So, even if my heart feels like giving him perpetual passes (and it does, believe it or not) there is no way. I feel as if with this last crowning verbal and physical assult, and his public lies in the suit, and this final proclamation the ties are formally and totally cut by his doing in every way from start to finish.
When I write this and in light of the last incident (in which I was very foolish by threatening to kill myself) the relationship looks very sick indeed. I stayed for the right reasons, I think, but……
Thank-you for bearing with this. There’s more that could be said but will hold off for now.
Dear NO More,
Thanks for sharing your story, believe it or not, it helps to share it, and to know that you are BELIEVED…I am so sorry that you chose to marry this man and to give him chance after chance, most of us here did the same thing…because we ARE good people, caring and loving people.
It is so difficult to get your head around the TRUTH when you are being told over and over that YOU are the crazy one. Believe me you are NOT crazy, but I too have wondered if I was losing my mind.
I am glad that you are starting to disconnect from him. I know it will be a bumpy road and there may be times you wish he was back (in spite of knowing the truth) but it will get better. The emotional “rape” we feel from these people who have NO MORAL COMPASS but oh, do they like to pretend they do! Your husband (if you want to call him that!) has none of the qualities that go with the “name” husband. It is so disheartening to know that he isn’t capable of feeling the concern for others that it takes to have a relationship. It is all about appearances, but not substance.
The “smear campaign” that is likely he will do by painting you as the “crazy” one, and he is of course, the “saint” —will be difficult to take, but it is part and parcel of the things they will do when they are “outed” as the monsters that they are!
I’m glad that you discovered Love Fraud, because this is a wonderful place with people who DO undertand taht you have been traumatized in ways that cannot be “seen” but are very REAL and the PAIN IS REAL. I suggest that you keep on reading and go back through the archived articles and read the there is some good information there. Don’t worry about sounding “clinical” or anything else, we have all been discomboobilated here and there isn’t anyting wrong with feeling like tht after all you have been through! ((((hugs)))) and my prayers for your strength and peace. Oxy
nomore_discomBobulat: Thanks for being here and telling your story. I see you spent over 30 years doing your part for what you thought was real…until, like many here, you discovered the truth. Well, looking back, I did it twice…6 or 7 years the first time and 25 the next, with about 3 years alone between.
Another three years out now, and still processing it, without the chaos. The journey continues. Looking back, I can see the good and the bad. I’m 58, and will face difficulties and challenges, but I’m finally figuring out who I am and what I want…and recognize what I’m not willing to do. I can’t do anything over, but I can choose with whom I spend my time and what we will accept from each other. I’m finally getting there.
You will, too.
Jen, yes i’ve been staying away from the sick people that i get sucked into helping and things are much calmer. I’ve got enough to deal with my youngest is coming home for a month to visit from Banff and my oldest is still unemployed and waiting to go to military in August > i have a case worker of sorts coming tom to help get me back on my feet at work also. In time i may look to transfer somewhere but for now i have to get myself stronger. Feel a tad guilty not calling about some of these people who i’ve helped or tried to help in the past but i now it’s best for me. I can’t help them, im too screwed up myself at this point. Im eating a tad better too and can’t wait to get out an d exercise when the weather gets nicer and drive my convertible. I know im far from out of the woods but i thank god for all of you and this site as i don’t feel that any therapy that i’ve had so far has been as benefical as this site has. It’s like an AA meeting for victims of socipaths instead. Going to have to push myself to do things though as i can tell im still a litlle leary of seeing anyone associated with the s but it’s inevevitable in this small town. love kh
No More, welcome to the site and i hope you can get away from your abuser even if you have been with him for all those years. You deserve a good life without all the lies and manipulation. Reading your story is a wake up call for me as mine was not physical only because he’s a cowar.d. Recently i mentioned to him that he had no moral compass and ithe moron pointed to the compass on his harley. See what he thinks of morality and they are all the same, don’t care how they preach differently. Lost causes and i get madder with each word i type as they should seriously be branded. Let him go and make some other person s life hell, you have suffered enough and i know it is going to be hard but your children have grown and you can do it. It’s never too late to start over. If there were a pill to forget these idiots someone would be rich but they do such devastation and ruin that you have to write them off completely which goes against the grain for us kindhearteed souls. Im so grateful i never had any children with my s. One of his daughers(very smart) cut off all contact 4 years ago and the other is a meth addict who gave up both of her sons so he has no contact with any of his children . They will never see their part in anything their defences are so ingrained to project onto us. I wish you all the best and keep posting and get all the crap out that’s what we are here for. Dont’ worry about how you put it into words you sound perfectly normal to me for someone who has endoured decades of abuse . love kindheart
Thanks you guys for writing. I’ve spent a year in the turmoil of: Am I supposed to reconcile? and How to get TRUTH out of him (an impossibility, I think, and NOT my responsibility anymore, if it ever was). There really is RELIEF now that that is over, but the future is very uncertain. Not only because of the divorce but there’s a possibility he could be arrested due to pornography on his computer (the police are involved). If the latter happens this is going to be a whole new thing to deal with. I’m bracing myself for that. (God is my refuge and strenghth, a very present help in trouble!)
And, Oxy, the smear campaign is something I dread but know he’s very capable of doing. I got the first glimpse of it in the context of this divorce, with the no contact order. It looks like he’s been doing it against me though, mostly unbeknownst to me, in a drip drip fashion for a long time. I’ve had people now tell me that he used to take them aside to run me down, albeit in the guise of compassion for his “crazy” wife. And I know he did this with my children, and overheard him telling my 5 year old grandaughter a few years ago, “Your’e Grandma is not a good woman”. He did this after a very mild, insignificant disagreement with me.
As to staying with him I now question it, but I didn’t know for certain of the immoralities until last year and that has been to me the only legitimate reason for divorce. Still, the line should’ve been drawn by me as to his behavior and treatment. Knowing him, he wouldn’t have stood for that so I don’t know how it would have worked out — perhaps divorce anyway. I wonder if there’s a little softer view on abuse in marriage for the Christian woman? I can’t say for sure but I regret being the good soldier to the extreme. Well, guess I’m ramblimg…
I appreciate you all and hope I haven’t squelched any discussion by focusing on my situation. Thanks too Jim for sharing your experience and age. I think there’s hope for us older ones to start the new life Oxy spoke of or we wouldn’t be here attempting to go on. At the beginning of all this I really felt my life was totally over, but then I realized if I’m still alive God has a reason for it and I have to do the best I can with what’s left — and it may be more than what it has seemed, if God wills.
Thank you kindheart as well! I posted before I read your post. Your words are very kind. I have thought, when I’ve read younger women’s stories — in similar situations and forgiving horrible husbands, that I’d like to tell them THEY WILL NOT CHANGE, get out for your life! ( there are exceptions, but if it is a pattern of continued selfishness, abuse, affairs, etc. then quit while your’e ahead)
Just read a Scripture yesterday that reminded me of my husband’s reaction when I told him what I knew about the type of pornography that had been discovered on his computer. It fits equally with what you said about a moral compass and the Harley reaction. “Fools make a mock at sin”. My husband pretty much laughed at me and invited me for dinner right after I revealed that I knew about the horrible younger teen stuff. Not so called “normal” pornography.
Anyway, I am determined to avoid him from here on out like the plague to keep my own sanity. God bless you and thanks for your kindness.
nomore_discomBubulat:
“…if it is a pattern of continued selfishness, abuse, affailrs, etc. then quit while your’e ahead.”
Gay or straight, the same rule applies. My S partner exhibited the same behavior. cI wish to God I had run at the first red flags. Instead I wasted 15 months on him. Everybody he has been involved with, from his former partners, to his friends and family all pay because of his behavior. I continue to pay in the form of wrecked health from all the stress.
You’re right. They will not change.
Thanks so much to all of you who cared enough to encourage and share with me. I have realized that I am through trying to make sense out of insanity, and that I want my focus to be on me and my healing. I spent 42 years being more addicted to him than any drug could feel – Although I’ve never used drugs, the withdrawal was beyond description, really feeling that I would die without him. I was only 19 when I met him on the beach at Waikiki in 1967. I was a nanny and had a 3 year old little boy with me. We went down to look at the beach for one last time two hours before our plane left (I was there 2 weeks). I know I am past the rage and blaming myself. I feel so much stronger already, even though I ended it only a few days ago. I feel on the other side, raw and fragile, but definitely “finished”. How could a nice Christian woman like me get hooked? I now know what red flags are, and how to listen to them. The few months prior to breaking it off, I began to notice the reality of who he was in my heart and not just my head. It became more uncomfortable to be around him. I was actually repulsed by him, until I became so uncomfortable I could no longer pretend. It feels amazingly freeing and like I’ve been dumped back into where I left off 42 years ago. It is so healing to write and know that I am not alone with my pain. My feelings are not facts, and I believe God is taking me to a better place.
No More, i’ve been reading a book alot of the other members have mentioned over the last year called the Betrayal Bond as i know with my s i’ve had this insane loyalty that i could never figure out. He would say to his friend ” this girls morals are too good” imagine saying something so stupid like that could be possible. He will never understand me in this regard but i couldn’t understand why i would be so loyal until i read about the bond that exists between them and us. We get confused thinking they are our Saviours when in reality they are our Captors. It’s all confusing but it is exactly on the money in my case. Imet him at the lowest point in my life, i was coming out of a 17 year marriage to a very decent man and i was also dealing with alcoholism and i felt saf e and in danger with this man all along. Im sure there are some loyalty issues as you have been with this man for so many years and we are loyal people to a fault and i just hope you don’t feel guilty at all as it’s pretty explainable. I would go back to the trauma program and pull the nurses aside after i had contact on a weekend pass and say “i don’t get it why can’t i see him the way others do ” or the way i know he really is and they all said “Stockholm Syndrome” they do a good number on our physe like putting blinders on us. I would tell the doc in charge of program that i was in concious denial and he said, no Shelly you are not in denial at all it’s the Stockholm and i researced it and it’s the only thing that makes sense. My s pretended to be as normal as they come with me but im a perceptive person and i know i wouldn’t put anything past him when it comes to morality he’s just a coward and would be afraid of getting caught. They have a saying i n AA that goes a little like this. We ” can’t not Know what we Know” and that’s the hard part we all know deep down inside our hearts what they are and what they are capable of but it’s just beyond our comprehension and our minds try to rewrite a script so to speak to explain it away. We cannot wrap a sane mind around their twisted one. I like you ended up acting crazy , last time with contact over lies , other women etc. i was absolutely hysterical and just like you wanted to let him have it and he kept picking up the phone, only because he really wanted to hear what i haad to say, not because he cared but in an amused sort of way. It took the lifeblood right out of me . He prob slept like a lamb even after his ex mother in law accused him of molesting the girls when younger. Calm as a cucumber. My point in all this is it did nothing to deter him, i on the other hand became very sick and exhausted for what. He stands for nothing, changes his mind like the wind. NO INTEGRITY. i PREached all these things over the years to him and it got me nowhere. Like talking to a bafoon and yes in all my efforts to help him, his daughter, myself going as far as trauma prog for 2 months did nothing. It’s all in the no contact and time as i ‘ve tried everything else and every way around it and i made myself sicker . Sometimes letting go makes you stronger and my rational side knows this but there is the other side that doesn’t ever give up on people but in this case i have no option. It’s him or I . I am worth it , he isn’t. I know you have a hard long road ahead of you ,just like me but we can do it and there are lots ahead on the road to help us along. Im still going to be the kind person i was raised to be but will be careful and trust my own instincts in the future. Mine told me the first time i met him that he was a predator(and i really didn’t know what one was as i was very insulated my whole life) but something inside me knew and i should have listened and saved myself 6 years of torture. Today i have to let it all go and look to the future, he can only take what i let him take and i’ve given more than enough. Keep posting and get all the crap out . anything that comes to your mind, no matter how simple and sill it may sound, we’ve all been there . love kindheart