By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
LTL:
Once again, thanks for the encouragement. It feels so good to live in the solution and let the problem go away. The first two weeks were the hardest, but I think I was in grief for a long time before I had the “aha” moment. I am no longer in denial, and it feels SO good. I didn’t realize that he may try to surface again in a few months. Well, that’s too bad. He’ll have to turn left. I’m letting my kids have their own relationship w/him. Although it is a bit awkward, since we were a family three weeks ago, my children are grown and need to come to their own conclusions. I don’t think they’re that dumb. We don’t discuss it. I hope it’s not the dysfunctional “no talk” rule. I just don’t know what to say. My son (35) is on to his dad. My daughter(34) needs her dad, and I think it would devastate her right now if she knew. I also think she would resent me if I tried to convince her. I mostly want to protect her, but just turn this situation over to God.
Housie,
If it ever gets too awkward…or someone brings it up…you can always say to them what you just shared with us. That you want them to have their own relationship with their father..and their own relationship with their mother. That everyone needs to find their own happiness and thats what you and R are doing — and that you love them and want only the best for them. As long as you are in their life and their respect is there – things will go as best as possible for you – and you will be there to catch your daughter if ever she gets what her Dad is about! Hang in there…
just a quick hello to all my LF friends.
good to see so much healing transpiring. as for me, 9 months NC and doing well. still hard sometimes, but i’m embracing the lack of drama and the freedom to walk without egg shells under my feet.
came across this website that is extraordinary in its assessment of narcissists. wanted to share:
http://www.echo.me.uk/index.htm
glad to see that TOWANDA! is still being utilized as a battle cry for a s/p/n free life!
peace,
no longer lostingrief
TOWANDA!!!
Matt, are you sure you won’t consider…uh…switching team? I have alway loved Greece. lol
Hi, LIG. Glad to hear you are doing better. This is so encouraging!
LIG, thought you might want to know that my S ended up getting charged by the army with fraud and adultery and “appropriately punished.” That is all I know.
hey guys , just thought i ‘d keep you posted as i went out last night to a local club/bar wit h a gf and i actually had a great time. As some of you know i don’t drink at all any more so it’s not that easy to have fun when others are inbibing but you know what i had alot of attention, 3 guys asked me to dance at once and im not trying to brag but it was the boost i really needed. Quite a few of the men know of my situation with the s and they were all really supportive. a few have been really good friends and it helped and i danced alot (sore knew from it today) and it just felt good to know these men really care and feel for me. I’d be lying if i said it would have been the icing on the cake if the s had showed up and saw how much attention and fun i was having but it would have unnerved me so it all happened for a reason. Unfortunately out of all the men none of them are what i think i need right now but at least i know im desirable and i can’t help but feel a little sad . I fluctuate between thinking i don’t even know the s and then thinking what was all that 6 years for. One of my gf watched 20;/20 last night and it really scared her and she called as she saw how dangerous he could be if he thought he could get away with it but i told her i know him better than anyone and he’s a coward. I wish he could see what a kind, loving woman i am like the guys last night but i know he will never understand nor care . One of the men last night whom i rarely run into and is married and very nice said he would find me a nice gentleman and that was kind. just to know that there are alot of men that genuinely care about me was enough to make me have faith again. Im crying now not because of something sad but because i have faith in human kindness again. Just watched that movie with Jack Nicolson and Diane Keaton and i love it , could watch it over and over. Maybe there is a lesson in all of this and iim starting to think that i can have a good life without the s. you know , the married man said he knew the s since he was 12 years of age and he wa s as he said “the most manipulative person ” so alot more people see and that at least is a comfort , to know that it isn’t all me. I hope everyone has a great weekend. Im still hurt and sad but i will recover and be better than ever but it’s def a process and it will take time but at least its a beginnning. love kindheart
Matt –
OMG, me too: “courtesy of the Iron Bar Hotel Diet (serve 10 months, lose 70 pounds)”. Mine did a similar amount in years not months.
And then he got out and boy did he pack it on. My X S is kind of short, and if not bulked would have been somebodies gf, and he claims (a bit too loudly) that he is not gay. Packed it on too within months.
Kindheart! Glad you got out and had some fun. I’ve noticed men’s attention here too recently, not sure I’m ready, but I notice the gleam in a few local eyes. Better than the Net, these people know me and I know who they really are. Just hanging in, need to do some healing before jumping back into the fray.
I feel rather numb this morning. My 35 yr old son is living w/me, and I’ve been concerned that he’s inherited the S thing. I talked w/him last night and read to him some of Hervey Cleckley and Robert Hare’s definition of a P in Captive Hearts, Captive Minds, He freely admitted he has those symptoms, and had me quit reading after about 6 (there are 15). I could tell he didn’t have a clue – I mean, he wasn’t connecting. Told me he “got people on drugs” he sold them years ago when he was younger, was into selling drugs, and that in the past, he was abusive to women. He also told me I didn’t know him – something his dad told me when he was A’s age. I don’t want to be looking for trouble, but neither do I want to ignore it. Because of what I’m dealing w/with the letting go of A’s dad, I want to just say he is and tell him he has to leave. I feel so intolerant of any “maybe’s”. He is working at a local hospital and trying to get on his feet. I suspect he is Bi-Polar, and our goal was to get him situated with work so he can get his medical insurance soon and see a therapist for a diagnosis and meds. He did tell me he really loved a few girls from his past. I don’t know whether to let this thing play itself out. Does anyone out there have an adult p son?
Dear LIG,
thank you so much for the link. I could make VERY good use of it! I discovered my codependency tendencies (Father S, Mother N), and could liberate myself from the guilt of having hung up the phone because my mother was pushing my buttons once again. Later I rang back my mom and could have a very constructive talk with her so she should be able to be strong enough to make her own mind up and solve HER OWN problem. I simply said she should listen to her stomach, as my father is a master mind in manipulating hearts and brains. He wants her to give lots of money to my brother who is about to build a new enterprise. My brother has already asked about everybody including me for LOTS of money (it would be ALL my savings too! I kindly declined; I would always be there to help with my muscles, and I already have helped out, but not with my purse). The demanded money would be my parents’ last savings for old age, and my parents turn 80 next year. I got SO angry about it, as my brother got an excellent expensive education and should be perfectly able to handle his problems on his own, but he got bailed out repeatedly by my parents being the sunny boy and the spoilt “little one”. My father has lost all his inheritance in some bad business, the S in old age in full bloom, and my mother wisely kept her share of it for “bad weather”. This summer my brother and his wife will get married in a castle and went last fall to holidays in the Maledives! I fear that they won’t use the borrowed money wisely when they throw their own money out of the window, honestly speaking. Now my father and my brother are making my mother crazy for not “being helpful”. My mother turned to me for advice, it is a problem that goes on for over a year now and there is no solution in sight for them. I always said “just say no”, as Nancy Reagan suggested, but they constantly turn to me, father on how my mother is not helpful and how to manipulate her better out of the money because he sticks with my brother who “understands” his financial disaster and is not “manipulated” by my mother, and my mother for her (very real!) fear of poverty in old age. IT IS NOT MY PROBLEM, never was, never will be !!!! If they crumble and fail, so be it. Although writing and reading this gives me quite a churn in MY stomach 🙁 Try to get /keep myself out from the dramas.
Housie: I thought I have burnt my diaries this February in the fireplace in the Alps, how did you get a copy of them?? Exactly my feelings! Really weird!
Matt: the fighting hams were hilarious! Thank you so much for making me laugh out loud today!
And by the way thank you all guys and girls for being ever so helpful. I consider you all my “self help group” recommended in the “Echo-me”-link. Have a sunny sunday you all!