By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Kindheart – It is good to get our ego’s stroked occasionally. We cant meet anyone sitting at home. Was good to read your post this morning, and see you so positive. Life goes on – dance yer behind off and have fun. We can all live a good fun life without the toxic ball and chain….
Matt/UsedAbused:
Mine did not attend the Iron Bar Hotel, but he still packed it on.
It surprised me that he would let that happen. The entire time I went out with him, he would make shit out of fat girls.
Another red flag that I missed.
I do not hang out with people who put other people down.
I was POSITIVE before I met him, and POSITIVE after. The negativity came into my life when HE came into my life.
Good point, Rosa. I was on top of the world before he came into my life, the last 4 years have been utter chaos.
With the economy the way it is, not sure I can bounce back, but trying, off to work.
It’s Morning Again!
OxDrover, thanks so much for your encouragement. Yesterday I was at my mother’s and she told me all I did was talk about myself and I was into self-pity. I had to pull back and see if what she said was true. It was, however she doesn’t even BEGIN to understand what I am going through right now. Somehow, she buried what she went through from my dad, who was Bi-Polar and abusive, and had a 30 yr affair and stuffed herself with food. Of course, I want to bellow”Put down the coping strategies and feel your feelings, Mom”. Since she’s 80 and never will choose to truely recover, I need to take my own inventory – Just needed to get that off of my chest. I am going through feeling very alone in my small town with no one (family or friends), who truely “gets it”. I am so greatful for all of you for this reason. There is a lot of wisdom here. For the past two days I have felt especially emotional. I did find out yesterday that my grandson has Asperger’s (a form of Autism). But I can hear the birds singing outside of my window, I have a cozy apartment, I am Cancer free for 51/2 years, I am FREE physically from the S, and working on mentally, and have much more to be greatful for. I really appreciate ALL of you, and your little comments that show we can have laughter in spite of the pain.
I am in a time of nurturing myself and allowing healing to take place. I am light years from where I was 3 weeks ago. I feel the worst is over, and now I must forge a new trail that leads to an unknown happiness and joy!
Blessings Kindred Spirits
Housie – This time around and going forward it gets to be about YOU. All about you. For you. Continually nurturing yourself and always healing… enjoying all the things you are and being grateful for YOU. The wisdom that is within you…always shows in your posts especially your ending thoughts…Blessing right back to you kindred one!! You arent alone! xo
Housie, I just posted about my 20 yr old son that I believe to be a S. Its heartbreaking, and I have been in denial about him but I can’t deny the traits are there and have been since around age of 15 . I also read the traits of a S to him- he said Dosent every body have those?
My post is on the thread about Female sociopaths that just came out. If you want more details. Also, I didnt add on that post, he is highly intelligent -was in gifted program since 5th grade, But chose to drop out of school and hasnt bothered to even get a GED. He has very little motivation to do anything with his life, feels Superiorly entitled for me and his dad to foot his bills while he does nothing but sabatoge his life. As I stated in the other post, he is living with me (YIKES) for a few months supposedly to “get on his feet. ” I am not comfortable with this, he may find himself on the street as bad as it sounds. I have said to him if any more rages, disrespect, etc. he will be out of this house with a police escort if it takes it.
That said-
Everything you know about a S is different when it is your son. I am having to re think in my mind all the signs. Its like researching all over again. Its hard-almost impossible to believe your child can be like the sub humans we discuss here at LF. I am still a bit in denial, but I have to snap out of that way of thinking as it is dangerous to not see the full blown potential of a S.
Be thankful at the very least, your son is working. I feel torn between trying to help my son get independent (which I’ve done before, but to no avail) Or make him leave. As a mother, I think but Where will he go, Can I turn him out on the street?? With NO job, no car, etc.
But As a previous S survivor, I think- Self Preservation.
A S IS the ULTIMATE survivor- He will find a way. Again this kid is 20 yrs. old,. Reasons he has no car,& no job is due to his OWN bad decisions.
As his mom, I hope beyond hope that I can live in peace with him for a few short months to reconnect with him, show him love and a normal peaceful household. He has not lived with me in 4 years, he has worn out his welcome at his step dads, so is begging me for a place until August. Again, I am wishful thinking not logically thinking. Its a slow, sad journey to be on.
I am isolating myself so badly now-only about 8 mos since divorce & N/C from my x N/P. No one here knows how hard it is for me at this point to even get out of bed, take a shower, and go to work. Quite embarassing actually.
I find myself making excuses that aren’t really even true to not leave my house. I rationalize and think, dont I deserve some down time? But in reality I can’t afford to get in this habit and my business suffers when I am not there. Sorry to be so bleak. This is not my best day.
LTL- As always, your words of encouragement and positive prodding are greatfully received. Your messages come from a place of peace and groundedness. Your giftedness is received with gratitude and hope.
SABRINA – Your thoughts, even while you are having a “not my best day”, are appreciated. I am trying not to be hypervigilant re: my son, but neither being naive. I feel, that because of just coming out of the haze of his dad, the S, I am in a phase of “No one will EVER do this to me again”. I find myself watching with hawk eyes for ANY sign of traits in my son. I don’t want to be in denial, but neither do I want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Perhaps some of this is learned behavior? Our children were never taught how to have character or integrity. His dad was the S, and I was so addicted to his dad, that I was emotionally unavailable. I also suffered from Bi-Polar 11 and had a major Depressive
Episode when my son was only 4. We were in a religious cult as well. Not to make excuses, but just to filter in. I am maintaining a “wait and see” attitude. We had a meltdown yesterday (I should say “I did”). I set some ground rules in a not so gentle way – pretty passive-aggressive. Anyway, he’s been compassionate and sweet today – even volunteered to give his mom a hug and a kiss last night.
Sabrina, it sounds like you are doing some heavy grief work – and it IS work. With that is depression. Sometimes an anti-depressant is helpful just to get you to a place of liveliness again, which WILL happen in time. Just a suggestion. I DO know how hard it is for you to do the bare minimal daily requirements. I also know that this is a “passing through” time, and not a “camping out” time. My thoughts and prayers are with you today.
Housie, Thank you so much for your advice and sharing with us all. I am on lexapro 10 mg- for about 3 weeks, wondering if its making me too tired, but I was in that phase before the meds, so who knows. I wake up tired.I know I have got to start pushing myself harder to experience life, not just bide time.
I feel somewhat of a hypocrite as I am always trying to encourage others to be thankful for life and give back to others. My heart is still there, but body is laging far behind. I feel guilty for not being very productive, something I must pray about as guilt is not what God has planned for us.
I know Housie, you seem to have your share of guilt riding you too. I have even blamed myself that at 18 yrs old I married a potential S that may have passed the gene to my son. I feel the spawn of satan could have been prevented as If I ‘gave’ this life sentence to my son. Both of us have to realize that We did the best we could with what we had to work with at the time!,
My son when in a Meltdown mode as you called it never fails to tell me what a failure I was as a mother- Part of a S favorite crazy making scheme.
He uses half truths, and straight up lies to make his story sound better.NO ONE can convince him otherwise-even my mom has argued with him that she was there thru his upbringing and his alegations are not true- NO , I didnt RUN off his Bio-father,keep him from seeing his son-his bio father left US, alone and penniless.
I said to him recently,” Well If you have such psychological “trauma” from your upbringing- Go get A JOB SO you can PAY for some THERAPY!
Maybe if you actually had lived the ghetto life you betray to others, YOU would have risen above your unfortunate upbringing to make something out of your life. Instead you were spoiledAss rotten, never having to work or struggle. Maybe THAT is your problem!”
We have to look at reality here. You loved your son thru everything. Being a good mother dosent have anything to do with how many health problems you incurred or the trauma you had to endure, If anything it shows strength that you raised your son and took care of him against everything you were up against- AND HE IS ONCE AGAIN falling back on you now for a home and support.
Again- you did the best you could at the time with what you had. PERIOD. THE END.
We must strive to stop the guilt of the past, and look at the present. We are better mentally (thru having Clarity) than we have ever been and able to give to others wisdom and love. Satan loves to get a foot hold especially with guilt in order to shut us down. Guilt and shame is exactly where Satan wants us to wallow in to make us tortured, sad individuals. Satan can do more damage by getting us to destroy our own lives than to destroy others.
My son also said to me a few days ago, that my expectations while living here of him was like Hitler. (another ploy to make me go off on him) I actually had to laugh at this one and said “You should never live under those conditions- Hurry , get a job and move.”
Dear Sabrina
It is HEARTBREAKING…..I know why you don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. Because it is another day, but same chit. I only get out of bed in the morning HOPING that today is the day for the break through. SOMETHING….
I have been on a misson to try and get my son some help. I believe my son needs inpatient treatment as I believe he has depression on TOP of the disturbing personality traits.
I only have medicade for him and basically the only way he will get inpatient treatment (and medicaide pays for it) is if he has a history of breaking the law, drug addiction, or suicide attmpts etc. I FIND this to be absolutely the most ludicrious thing I have ever heard.
He is not willing to comply with out patient treatment and has refused his meds.
So for a few weeks I really struggled with this. He did have some small improvements on the meds but didn’t take them very long.
Now it is harder to get out of bed in the morning….I know that my only option right now is to go to the courts and petition for the incorrigile teenager. I am pretty well decided on this but I am afraid……Afraid, that he could end up in a juvinille center because he won’t comply with the program. This decision is a completely different decision than putting him in a hospital. The hospital I am 100% there, I saw medication, even the little dose, make a bit of a difference. think of what a regular dose might do? Especially in a hospital setting where the treatment could be more agressive.
the court petition…..
I am just not 100% convinced that it is the right thing to do. I’m CLOSE but just not there yet.
Somehow I feel that this might be the MOST IMPORTANT decision I ever make in my life concerning him. and it is weighing heavy on my heart.